MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
I've been banned from B&Q. I asked one of their staff for ideas for my garden and he said I needed decking.
so I punched him.
what have george michael and a pair of wellies got in common?
they both get sucked off in a bog
why are there so many tree lined avenues in france?
the wehrmacht prefer to march in the shade
Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?
They put the willies up each other.
Why did the monkey get lost?
Jungle is massive.
My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.
From a Christmas cracker:
What's white and fluffy and swings through the jungle? A meringue.
To be honest it's probably better than the punch line was supposed to be.
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Put a bet on 3 horses today - Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times. Not one winner. I blame it on the bookie
That is inspired....
Why do mice have small balls?
Because not many can dance.
Why don't you see many elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm sick
Why what's wrong?
I'm f#####g my sister
(Another mildly homophobic one, I apologise...)
Did you hear about the gay wizard?
He vanished with a puff.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her as a choir-boy.
What's white and fluffy and swings through the jungle? A meringue.To be honest it's probably better than the punch line was supposed to be.
A meringutan, presumably.
3 women are attempting to swim the channel, 1 ginger, 1 brunette & 1 blonde.
The ginger goes first, she swims half way runs out of breathe and drowns.
The brunette goes next, she swims three quarter's of the way runs out of breath and also drowns.
And finally the blonde goes, she swims half way starts feeling a bit tired so decides to swim back. lol
When the kids in the playground first discovered I had a possibly fatal allergy to peanuts, they used to push me up against the wall and make me play Russian roulette with a packet of Revels
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious!
(courtesy of one liner supremo Milton Jones)
Did you hear about the two elephants that fell off a cliff....
Boom , Boom
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Boom boom tish...
There was an English cat and a French cat. The English cat was called 'one, two, three' and the French cat was called 'un, deux, trois'
They were really competitive and decided to see who was the better cat by a race swimming across the channel. Anyway, the one, two, three cat won because the un, deux, trois cat sank...
I met a Russian Doll yesterday.
She was full of her self.
Have we had the
" what's brown and sticky joke yet"?
A stick of course.
Two parrots on a perch, one says"can you smell fish?"
My coffee tastes like mud
its fresh ground
Why is a woman like a KFC?
Once you've finished with the legs and breasts you've got a nice greasy box to put your bone in.
What's the difference between a market trader and a Daschund?
One balls out his wares on the street...
You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools
tomhoward - MemberWhat did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?
Nothing.
Favourite joke ever.
What's a moped and a fat woman got in common?
Both give a good ride but you don't want your mates to see you riding one
How do you kill a circus? Go straight for the Juggler.
Bloke walks into a chip shop with a haddock under his arm, "do you serve fish cakes?' he asks. "yup", "great, it's his birthday."
A bloke goes to the docs and says:
"doc i've been taken steroids and i've grown an extra penis"
the doc says "anabolic"
the bloke "says no just a penis"
Have we had the" what's brown and sticky joke yet"?
A stick of course.
I thought the answer was "My Beyoncé poster"?
What's two feet long and slippery?
A pair of slippers.
You know how if you drop your toast it always lands jam side down and if a cat falls it always lands on it's feet.......well if you spread jam on a cats back does it levitate?
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean Beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
My new laptop is knackered already. It keeps playing chasing pavements over and over again.
I think it's because it's a Dell 😐
Get out.
(-:
Sorry, I'll get my coat 😳
what's ET short for..?
cos he's only got little legs
what's the difference between an egg and masturbation..?
you can beat an egg
How do you make a cat go 'woof'? Pour petrol on it and light it.
How do you make a dog go 'meow' Freeze it, then run it through a bandsaw.
I met a bloke in a wheelchair today, his face was battered and bruised.
"What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.
"Wheelchair Boxing?" I enquired.
"No..." he said, "100m hurdles."
I saw my neighbour jogging at midnight.
I said, "It's a bit late for you Michelle, isn't it?"
"I couldn't sleep," she replied.
"That's not what I meant, you fat cow."
I saw my neighbour jogging at midnight.I said, "It's a bit late for you Michelle, isn't it?"
"I couldn't sleep," she replied.
"That's not what I meant, you fat cow."
Lollercopters!!! 😆
What's orange and sounds like a parrot
A carrot
(off Chris Evans yesterday)
what can a yoguhrt pot do in two weeks what australia can't do in 200 years?
grow its own culture
a 30stone woman goes to the gynecologist. she sits in the chair and the doctor begins to poke about. after a minute or two he asks the large lady to fart.
"is this normally part of the procedure?" she asks
"no, i just need to orientate myself"
(works better in german)
(probably got this from here)
Girl involved in a car crash and bangs her head
Paramedics arrive and one of them examines her briefly while she's still in the seat, them holds out his hand
him "Can you tell me how many fingers I've got up, love ?"
her "Oh my god, I'm paralysed !"
two nuns in the bath the first nun says 'wheres the soap?' the second says 'it does rather doesn't it'
[edit]got it wrong [/edit]
I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this TV on sale. It was only £1 because the volume was stuck on full.
I couldn't it down.
Two nuns riding through an old part of town on their bikes, over cobbles
I don't normally come this way said one
I usually wear the soap out in the bath says the other
whats orange and sounds just like a parrot..
a carrot
Two old dears sat on a bench.
"Isn't it windy?"
"I thought it was Thursday."
"So am I, let's have a cup of tea."
I'm just getting into snail racing.
I bought a special racing snail but it just wasn't fast enough, so I removed its shell in order to save weight.
It didn't work though. If anything, it just made it more sluggish.
Two owls playing pool. One owl plays a foul shot. Other says "two hits". First owl says " two hits? Two hits to who?"
Top tip.
Don't confuse laxatives with viagra. It makes you crap in bed.
Two nuns walking across the square when suddenly a streaker runs past them. One nun as a stroke, the other wasn't quite quick enough...
Gosh, nun jokes now? Ok.
A nun is getting changed when there's a knock at the door.
In a state of undress, she shouts "who's there?"
"Blind man," comes the reply.
Reassured, she calls, "come in."
The door opens, and a chap walks in. "Nice tits, sister, where do want this blind?"
Whats the difference between a kangaroo & a kangaroot ??
A kangaroo is an Australian marsupial.
A kangaroot is a geordie stuck in a lift...
(Takes coat off hanger)
two fish in a tank.
one says to the other "you man the guns, i'll drive"
My granny caught me masterbating this morning, she was that shocked she had a stroke!
She hasn't half got soft hands.....
My new Thai girlfriend says a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship.
I still wish she didn't have one though...
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
Ohhh here it is..
My granny caught me masterbating this morning
She was quite shocked
I wasn't expecting her to wake up
Mine from the previous page Luke! Cheeky bugger.
.
Anyway, how do send a baby astronaught to sleep?
Rock it.
Mine from the previous page Luke! Cheeky bugger.
.
Flattery is the best form of impersonation. Or something like that.
Getting deja vu now.
I heard you could get pills for deja vu, but the company making them went bust coz people thought they'd already taken them.
True story:
Scouse kid "£5 to look after your car, mister."
"No thanks. My dog in there will do that."
"Can it put out fires?"
Class response ! ^^
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb...
Just one, but it has to really want to change.
How many Freudians to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change the bulb while the other holds [s]his cock[/s] err, the ladder
How many Freudians to change a lightbulb ?Two. One to change the bulb while the other holds his cock err, the ladder
Freud eh, if it's not one thing it's your mother
Two snow men in a garden, one says to the other, " Can you smell carrots?"