[Closed] funny insults

Pillow Biter

kitten breath

"You're so stupid...you should have been a blow job" Bill hicks

“Go lick a dog's ass ‘til it bleeds!” a quote from [i]Neuromancer[/i], by William Gibson
"Go find a splintery stick, a nice quiet corner, and sodomise yourself with it”
Can't remember where I heard that, it was on telly somewhere. Made me chuckle.

I once seperated a fight between a couple of angry 7 or 8 year olds in the street.

whilst lifting the smaller one off the larger one he was trying to hit me and called me a 'demented hamster'.

I nearly dropped him I laughed so much

franksinatra - Member
I once seperated a fight between a couple of angry 7 or 8 year olds in the street.

I also did this a few years back at the local dry ski slope. Little bastard gave me a black eye! What can you do?!

My uncle has laods that he just comes out with- normally whilst driving to be honest.
'Hairy hole' is my favourite I think.

Hope yer next craps a pineapple

thrombus! ( medicalese for bloody clot)

May your sunroof be forever open! 🙂

I've always liked
Who spat in your test tube?

Or, just go with a noun and a verb.

Window licker
Trolley biter
Cabbage sniffer
Etc

I find adding 'jockey' or 'monkey' to a tame insult makes it funny
snot monkey
nob jockey
etc....

I quite like "you utter plum"

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

"I've seen better legs hanging out of a nest" 😀

Used to reinforce the predicament of those with painfully thin or weak legs 😯

Gland

Blouse

you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny - car sticker in new york

In response to the usual muppet amongst his mates who call you g@y or similar because you're on a bike:

look at the other people in the group and say 'Are you his carers?'.

100% success rate so far 🙂 Everytime, his mates have p!ssed themselves laughing at the mouthy one.

"You're so stupid I bet you have to ask people for good insults on the internet"

Oh, hang on.

does your social worker know you're out ?

Asshat

Overheard in Switzerland during an argument between a German/Swiss and an English bloke:

German Bloke : Are you Welsh?
English Bloke : No, English!
German Bloke : Strange, I thought all wnakers in the UK were Welsh!

You look like you've been let loose blindfold in a charity shop and told to dress yourself!

I know what you are, I just don't know which hand you use.

Length

Colossal Helmet

The latter is oft used in the direction of my 13 year old stepsons when they do something really daft, bless 'em.

My God you make me defecate with disappointment.

"A coal dark pigs knuckle of a brain."

"A face like a haunted cave"

Both from Charlie Brookers "Screen Burn".

I'm currently rather partial to "blithering" followed any number of possiblities and "you c#ck juggling thunder c#nt is a firm favourite.

the best days of your life are behind you

argyle wins my vote as best insult. Simple, no swearing needed and rips the soul out of the target unless they're dead to the world already.

A police officer when speaking to a slightly "limited" arresstee...

"I'm not saying that you're stupid, I'm just saying that everyone, everywhere in the whole world is cleverer than you."

Helmet, best used to describe an adversary in an important meeting.

Cheese dick. The wife uses it too now. It's great when she uses it when her mothers in the car with her and the look of disgust that follows.
If she's getting tailgated she waggles her little finger in the mirror as if to say little dick. Amazingly effective.

Been called a muppet

"Chief". You have to read White Teeth by Zadie Smith to find it funny though.

Also "weapon" is a favourite.

"Gurning meat-slapper"

Cheese dick.

Don't those words need to be the other way around?

If she's getting tailgated she waggles her little finger in the mirror

I did that this morning to a Focus ST who wanted to drive at 60mph on the motorway but didn't want to be overtaken.

Once called a female driver a slack c#nted whore. Stopped her in her tracks it did. And it was (worryingly) off the cuff - not something I'd used before. But it is now in the armoury!

Not quite an insult I guess but 'Monty, you terrible c**t' always cracks me up [Withnail and I]

My current favorites are:

You Flange!
Your such a Fanny Flap!
Look at that jizz monkey over there!

This will change tomorrow.

Calling someone a "Donkey"

Carrying on from TJ's post I worked with a couple of guys that we nicknamed Thromb & Thrush because one was a dangerous wandering clot and the other was an irritating ****

Oh I have been auto edited ... an irritating "lady garden" then

Your mother is an hamster and your father smells of elderberries!

popular ones up our way.

ya rocket

ya trumpet

arse gobbling cock sniffer!

ya great 'tard!

ya big, sweaty minge!

If I had a dog that looked like you...i'd shave its arse and teach it to walk backwards!

You chicken-shit poltroon works for me.

Baffled as to why this thread is still alive!

"Face like a twisted slipper"

"She bang's like a belt fed machine gun"

You will be blind when your balls drop...

Felcher

Oh it's like a penis - only smaller.

Lass looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Face like a robbers dog.

Just simple-

Ye helmet
Ye fud
chimp, followed by wheres the uniroyal hanging today then.

Whilst watching a badly dubbed version of Die Hard on US tv:
"You Melon Farmer"

silly billy.. nasty pasty.. show-off.. teachers pet.. greedy guts etc..

all the primary school ones sound ace when coming from a hairy heavily tattooed teef missing fat knuckled neanderthal.. especially if delivered with a genuine look of childish indignation..

EDIT: not that I'm insinuating that the OP is a fat knuckled bar steward.. I was just expressing a preference like..

"Short bus" works round here.
Reject
Knob jockey
Asshat, I do find myself using surprisingly often
...but assclown not so much.

I prefer one or 2 word options; swearing is not something that's really 'done' in Canada, so you find yourself having to be more inventive

Chickenshit poltroon!

clever clogs

Your friend told me you hadn't got the brains of an idiot!
I stuck up for you. I said you had.

Or..

Your powers of self deception amaze me.

🙂

"Shh shhh ways that sound? Oh its your village calling you, they want their idiot back."

a word is yet to be invented to describe how totally whatever-it-is you are, but you are one. And a total, total one at that.

courtesy of Arnold J Rimmer

You rubber

fluffer

son of a whore and cock off.
Also how is this still up?

'You, sir, are the end of a bell.'

Courtesy of someone on here.

After a few witty comments about my bosses new Cuban Heels he promptly told me to 'go f*** your self with a rusty jazz trumpet' which made me chuckle

I love this one...

Ha ha Is it right your mam had venetian blinds on yer pram you ugly ****?

Crude but effective

Short Faves:

Ballbag
Toilet

Twonk always makes me smile.

I break wind in your general direction.

Your Mother was a hamster and your Father smelt of Elderberries.

Said to anyone who is overweight:
When you put on your belt do you use a boomerang ?

"You could go rock climbing with that nose"

Or for a lady of loose morals,

"It was like pushing a car with a rope"

duntmatter - Member
'You, sir, are the end of a bell.'
Courtesy of someone on here.

Wasn't that 'Fin du closh' or something French.

Good anyway.

She had a fanny like a stamped on bat or a face like a bashed in crab, both these always make me smile!

When my sons calls me names like Old Git or Jelly Belly ma :(kes me chuckle especially when my eldest calls be an arse or thick, he has now got a very thick skin and ridicules me when I insult him back

'Delusions of adequacy', always a good one.

'A face like a blind welders bench'.

'Dressed by a blind Mod'.

'Uglier than a hat full of monkeys bumholes'.

Big nose? 'Bet you can smoke a spliff in the shower'.

Large chested lady - 'Hunchfont'.

A lady whom you do not find aesthetically pleasing - 'Kangarillapig'.

Best one I've heard recently was 'you are a ****in fomite'

Sounds best when delivered in a broad Northern Irish accent.

'Fomite' is an inanimate object capable of transferring infections.

On being called Fat, reply, do you know why im so fat, every time i **** your mum she gives me a biscuit, havnt you seen the video?

Once called a female driver a slack c#nted whore. Stopped her in her tracks it did. And it was (worryingly) off the cuff - not something I'd used before. But it is now in the armoury

I bet you failed her on the driving test as well!

The perhaps contrived one i like is..

I saw your name on a loaf of bread today!!! but when i got closer, i saw it said 'Thick [b][i]cut[/i][/b]'