Nobody here knows the exact right answer, as I’d suspect there’s more to this than meets the eye. OP you said yourself you must have been living under a rock, what’s to say Mrs Rob is also cheating but you’d not known.
The marriage is/has been Rocky anyway, maybe they turn a blind eye and get on with it and the actual issue is that Rob has played a bit too close to home this time. It’s tolerated by/participated in by both parties discreetly maybe because of kids, dogs, cats or any one of a hundred other reasons they don’t want/can’t split and this is how they make it work??
No good will come of blurting it out to Mrs Rob, if it’s not a secret but normally discreet she’ll be angry at you. If she didn’t know there’ll maybe be denial and anger directed to you.
Personally I’d talk to Rob, advise of the rumours and if he fesses let him chat, see how the situation then looks. He may just need to make things discreet if it’s not a secret in the marriage, it may be a wake up call for him or tip it into separation, but you don’t have a right to try and force a solution based on what you think you know or rumours.
Shit situation to be in though for you OP.
It probably did affect my relationship with all three after that but I don’t regret it and would do it again.
So you stuck your oar into 3 other people's lives and stirred it around good and proper. But you feel better about it, so that's cool, I guess?
Do nothing - it's not your issue
If you tell her, they will both hate you
If you accuse him, he will hate you, then he will tell his wife something about you to make sure she hates you.
When/if it breaks, you just say you had no idea - or heard rumours
@mugsys_m8 that sounds awful mate.
Similar but not quite the same here and I'm not sure of timings so I can't get too worked up about it.
It took me a long time to recover, but I'm in a good place now, time does sort this shit out. Hang in there.
I’m glad I had better “friends” than some of you lot when I was on the receiving end 😂
TBH I think the worst one is when it’s actually one of your friends as you then lose a partner and a friend 🙁
The coward's halfway point between doing nothing and exploding hand grenades is speaking to Rob. I suggest you approach it Father Ted style: "I hear you're a shagger now, Father?"
The marriage is/has been Rocky anyway, maybe they turn a blind eye and get on with it
Yeah - you may be embarrassing the "cuckold" by forcing them to admit in public something they're happy to leave unsaid in privste...
TBH I think the worst one is when it’s actually one of your friends as you then lose a partner and a friend 🙁
I concur. I once (when much younger and far more stupid) started shagging a friend's ex-partner....only they were only 'just' an ex partner and it might well have been saveable if I'd not made a move. Instant groin orientated short term benefit but lost what would have been a life long friend because of it. So so stupid.
OP - I'd be doing a bit of sleuthing....can you see any evidence yourself. Then a "I just couldn't believe it, so I had to see for myself" type of confrontation.
I'd also not be having a conversation here - if you have a partner I'd be talking to them...someone who knows them both too. The nuance of the people and relationship is lost in typed words.
If the rumours are true, and that's all they are at the minute, he will eventually slip up and be found out by his wife. I would say its nigh on impossible to seriously carry on with someone and not get a stray text or call that will be discovered. You get a second sense at even small changes in your wife/husbands behaviour when you're married and I'm sure his wife will pick it up if something's amiss eventually. I'd completely stay out of it. Karma will catch up in the end.
Maybe Emma has told Rob she made a terrible mistake and should have married OP?
Richard Curtis to write the screenplay and Hugh Grant to play OP.
Assuming the rumours are true of course. (I wish I had shagged every nurse I was rumoured to have done !)
If you were the partner being cheated on would you want a friend to tell you? I sure as hell would and would lose all trust in a friend that hadn't told me if I found out.
How can you look either of them in the eye until this is resolved?
How can you look either of them in the eye until this is resolved?
So you're going to stick your nose into some-ones private business because not doing so makes you uncomfortable? Can you not see how massively self-centred that is? How about you let the people that it concerns; Rob and his wife (and maybe the person Rob is shagging) sort it out themselves without you stirring the pot.
Hugh Grant to play OP.
Is the OP a cockney gangster type ?
Keep up , Hugh's got a new stereotypical character type these days
I find your view incomprehensible. Its clear its one shared by many on here but others also share my view. Odd. Does it depend on how close you are to them?
Its not self centered at all. Its for the person being cheated on. I know my friends would be grateful for being told as would I and also that they would be angry if I hadn't warned them same as I would.
The older I get and the more I learn about folk the more confused I get 🙂
As a friend I’d tell him about workplace rumours anyway so that he wouldn’t lose his job due those.
This. You’re not much of a friend if you don’t let him know what’s being said behind his back. If he finds out about the rumours and then asks if you’d heard them, how would you respond?
100%
MY actions afterwards would depend on the response.
Its not self centered at all. Its for the person being cheated on.
They're going to find out at some point. Affairs always end like that. So either one of two things happen, You throw a hand grenade into the middle of three people's lives when they re totally unprepared for it and figurately walk away, you don't have to deal with the consequences and fall out or the hurt and devastation that it causes, but get to sleep soundly at night in a sort of Kantian "truth must out" bubble, or the alternative is that three people destroy their own lives, or by themselves in a time that they choose, they figure it out amongst themselves and maybe resolve it without a fourth person who has no skin in the game whatsoever, sticking their oar in occasionally.
The older I get and the more I learn about folk the more confused I get
Then might I suggest that you don't ever try to "help" if you come across this scenario.
Not saying anything isn’t doing nothing. It’s taking the side of the guy having the affair.
I think it does indeed depend on how close you are to them.
To me the key question for the OP is whether he thinks 'Emma' would expect the OP to have her back - because literally (and I mean literally!), people are talking about her (and rob) behind her/their back, and the OP has been forced to become aware of it - quote from the op - "Recently everyone has been asking me: " - it has been made his business.
Personally I would expect and want good friends to lean in a bit (and we've suggested he have a gentle word with Rob). If my 'good friends' turned a blind eye, even though it was all over the place of work I'd drop them. But that's just my view.
That said I wouldn't expect or want 'nosey' people who I don't know very well to step in ("stay out of my business etc").
So that's the moral dilemma for the OP to decide, as he asked.
Kramer - exactly
Well put akeys001
It’s taking the side of the guy having the affair.
Then at the very most you say to Rob. "Are these rumours true? Becasue if they are I cannot be your friend. I'm not going to say anything to anyone*, and I'm going to trust you to resolve it".
*because, remember this is none...you get the message.
it has been made his business.
No, it has not. He's just been included in the ring of gossip.
I think akeys has it. Both points of view can be valid depending on the circumstances.
No, it has not. He’s just been included in the ring of gossip.
It's become his 'business' because act either way - ie gently step in or turn a blind eye is 'doing something' - especially with respect to emma - the key person in the conundrum. The 'gossip' is forcing him to take sides as Kramer says.
Your side is clear Nick, mine differs, you're not going to change the internet I'm afraid.
And what happens when Emma asks you about it?
The only time Emma is going to ask me about this is if she knows or suspects, and the answer is "The person you need to discuss this with is Rob"
Your side is clear Nick, mine differs, you’re not going to change the internet I’m afraid.
Yep, agreed.
you’re not going to change the internet <br /><br />
Is this Rule 2?
The only time Emma is going to ask me about this is if she knows or suspects, and the answer is “The person you need to discuss this with is Rob”
Good luck with that.
Well, that's the line I took when this happened to me, and I'm still reasonably good friends with the people involved (that I knew). I'm content that I wasn't the cause of the failure of their marriage (in this case it was her) , but helped them both to come to terms with it as a person that they both still talked to. I found out about it, like the OP a couple of days I think, before the husband suspected that something was going on, came to me, and I literally said the same thing to him, that I wrote up there.
Thing is, as soon as you decide that you're going to be the messenger then you've taken sides, and like the OP I tried to not do that, and not make judgements about people's behaviour. Now, I get that sometimes people are shitty to each other, and the side taking is a clear option, but here, the OP is trying not to, and the only real course of action in that case is try to remain neutral.
So it's been a couple of Days OP? Have you had that chat with 'Rob' yet?
Sounds like they are getting it on in his car. Stakeout, film, then blackmail!
Not serious but someone else could do that - Rob and his FB are putting themselves in a dangerous position
Damned if you do, damned if you don't, only OP can know which damnation is the least worst option
Somewhere out there on the internet is a Rob married to an Emma that's thinking, "ffs, what did I do???".
Not saying anything isn’t doing nothing. It’s taking the side of the guy having the affair.
Or, you know, not being a gossip and spreading hurtful rumours. OP doesn't know anything except there are rumours.
Tbh I need pics of both wife and ‘bit on the side’ before I can offer an educated opinion
short of that however, I’d go with the advice of telling him that there are rumors abound, and they probably need addressing one way or another. Then walk away.
Or, you know, not being a gossip and spreading hurtful rumours. OP doesn’t know anything except there are rumours.
How is talking to the person involved spreading a rumour?
I find your view incomprehensible
You've answered your own question though. How would you both have felt if a well-meaning mutual acquaintance had gone to Julie with the rumours of all those nurses you weren't shagging?
How is talking to the person involved spreading a rumour?
How is it anything else?
"hey, I've heard these rumours..."
"What, and you believe them? I thought you were a friend" and other positive reactions.
there are rumours
- ...girls and ****ed 'em at school
All I know is that
There were rumours he was into field hockey players
There were rumours
- So I applied basically
- He was gone the next day
- And went off with the team
- It's like - he was gone - they'd just like
It was like; so hush hush
They were so... quiet about it
And then the next thing you know...
How is it anything else?
It's letting him know that the rumours are there. If they're false, he can go to HR to get it sorted. If they're not...
How is it anything else?
“hey, I’ve heard these rumours…”
“What, and you believe them? I thought you were a friend” and other positive reactions.
Just because you may get a difficult response isn’t a reason to avoid the conversation, especially when the other party is one of your lifelong friends.
OP has said that she’s like a sister. If you heard a rumour that your brother-in-law was being unfaithful to your sister would you keep schtum or have a discrete word?
You’ve answered your own question though. How would you both have felt if a well-meaning mutual acquaintance had gone to Julie with the rumours of all those nurses you weren’t shagging?
1) I would expect themto at least attempt to ascertain the truth and 2) as I told Julie already we would laugh and thank them for it
I’d change jobs and move house
And buy a new bike just to be sure.
I would expect themto at least attempt to ascertain the truth
Pretty sure voyeurism is illegal.
“hey, I’ve heard these rumours…”
I have a rule in life to never repeat rumours. I just say them loud enough that they can be heard first time around
