I personally would keep well out of it.
Yes one half is doing something wrong, but happy marriages are dependent on both parties, its rarely just one sided (not suggesting the Mrs is doing the same etc)
Maybe its just the area. But a local NHS hospital the Chief Exec was having an affair with a nurse. Another local hospital it was commonly known that if you wanted to climb the career ladder you slept with the female COO.
Another local hospital it was commonly known that if you wanted to climb the career ladder you slept with the female COO.
Any openings jobs going there? Asking for a friend
Would that involve rising up the greasy pole?
Would that involve rising up the greasy pole?
She's actually Latvian...
for me, because the whispers have landed at your door ('everyone at work asking me about rob'), and assuming you do care about them still, I don't think it can be ignored any longer and I'd have a non-confrontational word with him - 'mate, what's all these rumours about?' - give him a chance to wake up and sort it out.
It's the wife that needs all the consideration, if the rumours are true then she needs to know asap given it's all over your place of work, if it's not true then someone (HR etc) needs to shut it all down, either way those two need to deal with it asap.
Wonder how much the husband of said lady knows? Wonder if he'll turn up, kicking up a stink?
Getting him to lob the grenade would avoid you getting involved ,directly, and maintain your neutrality...
I'd just say 'listen Rob, I've heard rumours...' and leave it at that. If he is having an affair, he knows he's been caught, and he knows you're close to his wife - so ball is in his court. If not, he can put you right.
OP you've had both extremes of advice and everything in the middle. Good luck to you - you obviously care about both Rob and his missus, so not a nice position to be in.
I think we'd all appreciate an update at some stage though!
Would it not be hugely selfish of the OP to say nothing and pretend he hadn't heard anything, in the hope that he manages to stay friends with this couple?
OP, if you don't say something will you be wracked by guilt? If the wife finds out from another source, she's highly likely to assume you knew as you're a good mate of the husband and work at the same place, so chances are you'll be off her Christmas card list anyway.
Do you want to be friends with the husband now anyway?
FWIW I was the subject of the same rumours at a previous employer and they were totally unfounded, so the words maybe and allegedly are highly relevant here.
I'm with the 'talk to Rob' crew, just say you've heard, and is it true.
I’d just say ‘listen Rob, I’ve heard rumours…’ and leave it at that.
This. It's not like youve been spying, it's colleagues coming to you asking!
FWIW I was the subject of the same rumours at a previous employer and they were totally unfounded, so the words maybe and allegedly are highly relevant here.
If I was going to approach him I think I'd go along the line of "I thought I'd better let you know there are these rumours going around...", non-accusatory or confrontational if possibly a little transparent.
Yup, +1 for chvck approach. No accusation, no request for clarification or the truth. Best case he admits and you set the ultimatum that he tells his wife/your friend before you do. Worst case you are still in the "just rumours, nothing confirmed to me" and your mate gets a kick in the arse to sort his s%£* out
NickC
For what purpose? Rob’s wife is going to find out. All you’re doing here is being the person that either tells Rob’s wife that her marriage is over, or you’re the reason why Rob’s wife finds out her marriage is over. Either way you loose one or both or these friends. Their marriage is finished already, if you want to have some hope of retaining either or both of their friendships, then do not stick your nose into their business.
Edit: If either of these people ask for your advice, then feel free to be as honest as you feel, but until/if that happens, It Is None Of Your Business.
TLDR but I see no mention of kids... that would be my only real thing caused a deviation from your advice.
I'd just add there are other scenarios as well.. not that changes your advice IMHO.
Timba
Would you tell your sister what was happening?
My mum didn't ... the work affair drizzled out and Aunt and Uncle and kids all got on with life together.
She might be having her own affair ... or has in the past... or simply not care or prefers not to know where he shoves his dick.
Nickc
If either of these people ask for your advice, then feel free to be as honest as you feel
Just to add to that, if either of them do ask your advice then it has to be on the understanding they are totally honest to you IF you want to give IMPARTIAL advice.
That is going to then come with some awkward questions your going to have to ask them.
I'd suggest you actually think what questions you'd need to know honest answers to before you jump in.
I think fundamentally that depends on or boils down to "Why are you still together after 17 years and what do they actually want for the next 17?" but that is likely to be quiet messy.
Best case he admits
No. Best case is it's just rumours and there's nothing going on.
Fair point. Then he can raise it to HR who can send out a strongly worded email about the damage of false gossip
Would it not be hugely selfish of the OP to say nothing and pretend he hadn’t heard anything
It's none of your business. The people involved in this are Rob and his wife - and maybe the woman that rob is shagging, but mostly Rob and his wife. It's their mess to sort out and no one else's. The selfish act is making it your business to shove yourself into the centre of some-one else's life, as if it's all about you. It's not.
You're their friend, and that's it. You can offer advice (if it's asked for) or a shoulder to cry on. End
we fell out over Johnson
That's why many marriages end isn't it.....
I think a friend would tell him about the Rumours because as Scotroutes says they may not be true. If a mate of mine was the subject of inuendo about his bad back at work I’d let him know. Now you probably need to have a plan for all the likely scenarios:
- he flatly denies it and you believe him,
- he flatly denies is and you don’t believe him,
- he admits it and asks you not to tell his missus,
- he admits it and asks you to break it to the missus,
- he admits it, says he’ll end it and says missus doesn’t need to know
- he admits it, says missus is aware, and is ok with it
- he says missus has been shagging John from accounts for 2 years so nobody needs to know
bear in mind that if they are shagging at work when they are supposed to be looking after patients:
- you may have a statutory obligation to report it (as May all the rumour spreaders)
- if one day a patient dies and the question gets asked who knew what - “none of my business” might not have the same ring to it!
– you may have a statutory obligation to report it (as May all the rumour spreaders)
– if one day a patient dies and the question gets asked who knew what – “none of my business” might not have the same ring to it!
Obviously, if this is the case - or indeed it is just gross misconduct by shagging at work any plausible deniability for the OP goes out the window as soon as it’s confirmed to him and the OP then has to report them both to management. At my work failing to report significant misconduct would be an offence in its own right.
My view is that it just comes down to your relationship with the wife. Whether it's close enough that you feel you have to get involved/say something.
Nobody but you knows that.
There's certainly no moral imperative either way.
Poly just wrote most of what I was about to.
To all those saying "I'd want to know," I don't doubt it. But would you thank the messenger?
However you approach this, you're taking sides. You mention it to Rob - and "there are rumours" is better than "what's going on" because it's none of your beeswax - and he goes "cheers for the heads up, I'll be more careful to cover my tracks." Or you mention it to the wife (does she have a name which isn't real also? let's call her Emma), is there a positive outcome you can foresee for all three of you in this scenario?
You said yourself, you have no evidence. So what you're considering is nothing more than spreading malicious gossip. What if it's wrong? You go to Emma and tell her about these rumours of Rob hanging out of the back of Doris in the stationery cupboard at lunch, it later comes out in the wash that they've secretly been playing Cribbage. Then what? You can't un-plant that seed of doubt.
Do you even know they aren't in an open relationship?
Unless there's violence or the chance of violence, avoid domestics like the plague, i doubt she's daft, she lives with him and will know the changes and signs, but more than likely either setting herself up for a split, or burying her head about it.
ChatGPT says:
Discovering such information about a close friend can be challenging and emotionally charged. Here are some steps you can consider taking:
Assess the Source of Information: Since you have heard this information from others without concrete evidence, it's essential to consider the reliability of the sources. Rumors and gossip can sometimes be misleading or untrue. Before taking any action, try to verify the information from credible sources.
Gather More Information: If you decide to investigate further, do so discreetly and with sensitivity. Approach people who have shared this information with you and ask for more details, without disclosing that you know about it. This can help you get a clearer picture of the situation.
Talk to Your Friend Rob: If you feel confident in the accuracy of the information, you may want to have an honest and private conversation with your friend Rob. Express your concern for his well-being and the impact of his actions on his marriage. Avoid being judgmental or confrontational; instead, offer your support and encouragement to make the right decisions.
Respect Their Privacy: Remember that your friends' relationship is their private matter. Even if you discover that the rumors are true, it's essential to respect their privacy and not interfere unless they ask for your advice or help.
Offer Support: If Rob and his wife decide to address their marital issues, be there for them as a friend. They may need emotional support during a difficult time.
Reflect on Your Role: It's natural to feel conflicted in such situations, but it's essential to remember that you are not responsible for their relationship. Your role as a friend should be supportive rather than judgmental or intrusive.
Maintain Confidentiality: Ensure that you do not share this information with others unless you have Rob's explicit permission or it becomes public knowledge. Gossiping about their situation can damage trust and make matters worse.
Seek Professional Help: If Rob and his wife are open to it and the situation warrants it, suggest that they consider couples counseling or therapy to work through their issues with the guidance of a trained professional.
Ultimately, your approach should be based on your assessment of the situation and your understanding of your friends' personalities and needs. Prioritize their well-being and the preservation of their privacy while offering support as a friend.
Straight out of the mouth of chatGPT - and probs the free version, and not the paid for newer version, which is some-how worse. 🤣
haha, you updated your post. I thought I recognised it's style!
wwstd?
This stwer would keep my ****ing nose out of someone else's marriage. I wasn't even comfortable with my own brother asking for advice, let alone a friend. (Plus, of course, the complete opposite of what Knowitall no.1 says on stw)
ChatGPT does get one thing right - "Ultimately, your approach should be based on your assessment of the situation and your understanding of your friends’ personalities and needs". Everyone is different. (Have I said that before?)
Haha, yea I thought it sounded very generic, it's obviously taken the entire archive of Dear Deadrie into it's reference material.
My advice would stop sticking your nose in. At what point did you consider their sex life became any of your business. Unless you've been swinging with them then it's not.
Do not involve yourself.
It has nothing to do with you.
"playing for Real Madrid" is the strangest euphemism.
OK, here's another take on it (I don't think it's been covered, apologies if so)
You're in 'Emma's' shoes - you find out one of your best friends knew something wasn't right (rumour or otherwise) and they stood back and did nothing. Yes I know everyone is different, that's why it's a question
If the wife does find out by whatever means and it turns out other factors are involved (she knew, she was up to something, whatever) and is fine with it, at least she knows you had her back.
If the wife finds out and she isn't ok with it, at least she knows you had her back and you're there for her.
I'm not suggesting going in and telling her. I'd like to think that in such a scenario that someone, let alone my friend would have a word with Rob and at least ask (not accuse) him what was going on and if it is untoward, maybe suggest he not be such a Dick
I think most people would intervene if they knew of harmful behaviour; isn't this (allegedly and potentially) harmful?
Edit to say: No judgement on you btw. There is no right and wrong in this situation. Just wanted to throw another viewpoint in 👍
As a friend I'd tell him about workplace rumours anyway so that he wouldn't lose his job due those. Other part is more sensitive but it might come up in discussion about work matters.
As a friend I’d tell him about workplace rumours anyway so that he wouldn’t lose his job due those.
This. You're not much of a friend if you don't let him know what's being said behind his back. If he finds out about the rumours and then asks if you'd heard them, how would you respond?
Yeah but the OP has said himself, he's apparently the last to know about all of this. Five will get you ten that Rob is already aware of the rumours, or that another work colleague has already said something to him (as that's the nature of gossip, it always gets back to the subject in the end)
If he finds out about the rumours and then asks if you’d heard them, how would you respond?
Mate, you're an adult, its none of my business. I don't spread gossip.
I’m conflicted on this. Normally I’d be with NickC, they’re adults so keep out of their business.
But I’d hate to know my mate was making steps that will potentially ruin another friends life along with his career.
Ive never had an affair or been tempted, but my exwife did cheat on me. Ultimately the person cheating knows the damage they are going to cause. But if they’re not cheating and the rumours are just “office gossip”, I would suggest you owe it to him to at least mention it in a very non accusatory fashion.
Difficult position to be in.
Had a very strange phone call once when a bloke accused me of sleeping with his wife ,I passed him over to Mrs DoD and she ended up talking with his wife.
Was a funny one and tbh could have caused a lot of grief with Mrs DoD and moi 🙂
All that late night bike riding and being coy about stuff(usually the er new bike/parts being sneakily acquired)
I'm glad I had better "friends" than some of you lot when I was on the receiving end 😂
I think you are all missing the point. Rob the Shagger has lost a bunch of weight. Can we get details of his routine?
– you may have a statutory obligation to report it (as May all the rumour spreaders)
Under what law? I didn't think healthcare workers even had a mandatory reporting duty for neglect etc to children?
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/apr/02/reporting-suspected-sexual-abuse-to-be-mandatory-for-those-working-with-children
Happened to me years ago. I got a job away from where I came from and my best friend decided to move over as well. One morning coming home from a night shift I saw a girl we both knew, were friends with and who was married to another friend back home driving through the town we had moved to. I confronted him and he admitted the affair then next time she was over I told them both that I'd give them chance to either finish it or come clean before I told her husband. They didn't so I did.
It probably did affect my relationship with all three after that but I don't regret it and would do it again. Much better than it coming out and then me trying to explain why I hadn't said anything.
Having been on the shitty end of an affair from my wife of 13 years ( and best friend, adventure partner etc etc of 18 years) I consider myself somewhat qualified to offer what I suggest you do, as what I would wish to happen to me was I in this particular situation: I advise you make him aware of what has come to your attention. I advise you to do this as soon as possible. I advise you to tell him you know and that you are her friend and you feel obliged to be honest towards all of your friends. You have then done all what you can, and should for now be expected of you as a friend. As a friend you will have ongoing obligations towards both of them, that will also have to be handled.
Unfortunately I was made aware of my situation by his wife at the time who was an unknown person by sending me a message on FB messenger. My world has exploded. This started 3 years ago. To be honest with you all, at the time my wife had told me it was over a few months before I found out about this affair which I found out had started before she told me it was over. What has ensued is a complete spiritual crisis, a dark night of the soul and I believe it will all be for the best for me. But I wouldn't wish anything like this to anyone. And I mean anyone.
Can we get details of his routine?
There's a lot of those kind of videos available for free on the internet these days.
Rob the Shagger has lost a bunch of weight. Can we get details of his routine?
TMI.
I advise you to tell him you know
The OP doesn't know anything.
