The following text appeared in an email from The Mothership today:
"The matrix approach will support UK teams to enable capability pull-through and develop talent. The matrix will bring people with similar expertise together and will enable collaboration, create a knowledge transfer environment and help us develop innovative solutions."
Nothing like a clear and well written corporate communication, on a friday afternoon.
The matrix ... will ... create a knowledge transfer environment
They are going to plug you all into machines and create a single neural network.
Have you got any "routine medical checkups" booked soon?
Today's insightful advice contained:
The deadline to complete the training is Jan. 30, 2015, but I strongly encourage you to knock it out before we break for the holidays
<s****>
People who write things like that should be beaten to death with their own shoes
I have no idea what this matrix is, but I am clear on the fact that we are "transitioning" to it. I can't wait.
Are you in a position to comment about hitting the transition schweeetly and not going over the bars just as you're learning to fly this thing ?
We've recently been rebranded with the tagline 'Your adaptive edge'
I'm still unsure as to what that means
I have a feeling that although the author may not recognise irony, they will know that they don't like it.
People who write things like that should be beaten to death with their own [s]shoes[/s]soggy dismembered arms
People who write things like that should be beaten to death with their own [s]shoes[/s] lower-limb extremity encapsulation devices
It is amazing that that many words can be strung together to create something that means so little.
just as well its' pull-through (isn't that for cleaning a rifle?) rather than, well, follow through..
We were recently informed that we have a new corporate 'strapline' (wtf!!).
Another seemingly random bunch of words that mean FA to 99.99% of employees and customers.
I agree that these people should be put down.
capability pull-through
that is awesome
although I wonder if the capability extends to a reach around
Oh, goody, a chance to trot this one out again;
[i]Firstly, we have signed a transformational outsourcing deal with xxxx which will deliver an increase to our cost synergies from the £112m per annum in 2013, which we will still hit on time, to £143m per annum by 2015. This deal de-risks the embedded value, contractualises the delivery of the cost synergies, and it de-risks the execution of our plans, allowing us to focus on the other opportunities we have as a business."[/i]
Recently started with a new company, and so am just beginning to uncover the local patois.
It would appear that instead of saying, 'Can you make some time for XYZ?', it's 'Can you spare some cycles for XYZ?'
WTF?
And, as I have posted before;
What is far more fun is to try and wheedle the odd made up neologism in to work conversations. Get enough people to use it, sounding all authoritative and correct, and before you know it, others will start to use it!Was a real joy for me to have engineered it so that a particularly odious American colleague used "interfrastically" in a speech to a sizable conference. There were a number of British delegates, self included, who had to stifle their s****s!
It's not a classic example but my boss says "Can we sit down for a minute", which means "I've literally just this second had an idea, and I've not thought it through at all, so let's have a 10 minute conversation in which I'll change my mind 5 times, and then in a couple of days after you've done the initial work I'll change direction completely and you'll have to start again, and then a couple of weeks later I'll just say "Actually we did something else, stop doing that." Except for about 1 time out of 20 when actually I'll follow it through, and be totally surprised that you didn't expect that."
He's a good boss but aagh.
The matrix approach
Ah, matrix management. Or, more acurately described by my father in law as:
"Like an orgy in the dark. Nobody knows who's screwing who."
I, my friends, am a [i]custodian of my companies success[/i].
I have a card that says so.
Let me have a go
[i]
"The matrix approach will support UK teams to enable capability pull-through and develop talent. The matrix will bring people with similar expertise together and will enable collaboration, create a knowledge transfer environment and help us develop innovative solutions."[/i]
We're going to group our people by expertise. This should make sharing information and developing ideas quicker and easier amongst teams of like-minded people and help us improve the skills of individuals and the company as a whole.
IHN - that remains a classic.
Put more succinctly: "Some other bugger's got all the problems and we've saved some money."
There is a dictionary so people can learn this shite before they embark on the business world.
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/business-english/
a custodian of my companies success.
Is that verbatim?
What would Morpheus do?
Parklife.
Well I'm going to pull through and knock one out before transitioning into the holidays.
What do these idiots think they sound like?
knock one out
Shirley you mean vertical integration?
It's not a classic example but my boss says "Can we sit down for a minute", which means "I've literally just this second had an idea, and I've not thought it through at all, so let's have a 10 minute conversation in which I'll change my mind 5 times, and then in a couple of days after you've done the initial work I'll change direction completely and you'll have to start again, and then a couple of weeks later I'll just say "Actually we did something else, stop doing that." Except for about 1 time out of 20 when actually I'll follow it through, and be totally surprised that you didn't expect that."He's a good boss but aagh.
OK,I'm looking around my office and I can't find anyone else with their browser open on STW, so you can't work in my office but you are describing my boss exactly. Hmmm, maybe my boss is moonlighting in a second job....
Oops,sorry, missed that bit about being a good boss...we must be talking about someone else....:-)
I, my friends, am a custodian of my companies success.
I have a card that says so.
In my young days as a civil engineer I worked with some Americans out in Saudi. It amused me that whilst we Brits had a Royal Charter defining the role of the Institution of Civil Engineers as promoting:
"the general advancement of mechanical science, and more particularly for promoting the acquisition of that species of knowledge which constitutes the profession of a civil engineer; being the art of directing the great sources of power in nature for the use and convenience of man", the Americans wore belt buckles announcing "I'm a people server".
The following text appeared in an email
Far as I can tell, that translates as "if we all tell each other what we can do, we'll all know what everyone else can do, and that's handy."
There is a dictionary so people can learn this shite
We [i]have [/i]to get "ringfence the unicorn" into that.