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Glad you got a couple of hours, hopefully helped a bit.
Like many have said, if you want to meet up and vent I'm sure there are many on here who would glady be there.
I'm in the North West and try to get out on the bike once a weekend. Appreciate not that easy for you but feel free to message.
Thank you for the offer - unfortunately I don't really get out on my bike much (injury over injury has stopped me riding/running for ages). I just use my local gym and walk the dog lots!
About to go out for a curry as a family, then we pick him up straight after. Hopefully he's in a good mood!
And again… Last night we had an almighty meltdown because my wife touched the outside of the washing machine whilst he had his bedding washing in it (she simply turned the setting to spin as he’d put it on a ‘delicates’ wash that didn’t spin at the end). Crying, shouting, screaming. This can’t go on - we can’t cope with these sorts of outbursts. 🙁
(She normally does all of his washing and he has never been bothered).
we can’t cope with these sorts of outbursts
So don't.
Sorry to be harsh and selfish, but you also have a duty and responsibility for own health and wellbeing, and that of your wife and children. Perhaps it's time to step away. No matter what happens, it's obvious from your various threads that you've given all (and much more) than anyone could expect of you.
ah man that is so tough. You might even by a victim of your own success in that he feels free enough to be himself and express what he is feeling right not rather than repressing it. You need him to move on to the next stage now but that isn't happening :(. The world is also a crazy place right now and I know so many young people either on therapy or drugs and I just don't know how to understand that as it wasn't a thing when I was growning up.
Tonight I’ve had too much beer, my wife has had even more way too much chocolate 😹
This made me laugh, so much 🙂
Thanks for posting all of this though, it does help open up the craziness of growing up and how unprepared parents are to deal with it. Whatever skills we may have learned from our parents just don't seem to apply now. I hope you both manage to find ways to restrengthen yourselves and fill up your own resources again
Social work use the guilt of folk like you to keep children in unsuitable placements.
Very much so - we are constantly told about how few carers they have, how they are running at capacity etc etc. They tell us they can’t find a ‘long term’ placement for him (ie, until he is 18). We are ‘short term’ carers so we are meant to only be temporary. We are worried he’ll end up bouncing from placement to placement for the next five years, but we have to put ourselves first.
My wife and I are both foster carers of well over 10 years and our hearts go out to you. We've had a few kids with serious problems (as well as amazing kids) over the years. Having to stay up until 3 in the morning most nights waiting for the police to bring our 14 year old home pissed up. Not going to school. Setting fire to her bedroom bin (was the last straw for me). This was going on for well over a year so we ended up giving our 28 days notice for her to leave, as it was clear she didn't want to live with us. Her older brother was constantly thieving from us (including my wife's bank details). Not going to college. The list goes on. Anyway, when the foster kids turn 18, they have a staying put agreement, where they have to look for a job and pay board, and look for a flat. He had no intention of doing either, so again we gave our 28 days notice.
It's bad enough when it's affecting just you and your partner, but when they're other kids in the house, like ours, then it obviously impacts them.
Fostering certainly isn't all bad as we've had some lovely kids who just want a bit of love and a stable home.
Just don't let social services fob you off about shortages of placements as they do with us. You can only do so much. Best of luck johndoh
Two suggestions ( bear in mind I am childfree so this could well be balderdash)
would there be any use in sitting down with the kid and explain to him how his actions affect you? As in a " we are trying our best, when you do this it makes me sad"
Tell the SW in no uncertain terms that the placement is about to fail because of the lack of support you have had and put that in writing. Might get some support forthcoming
Thank you @tewit - it certainly puts our current predicament into a bit of perspective (although I do know we are being put through a lot of emotional stress right now for very different reasons). As he is our first placement we don't have any happy memories of successful placements to keep us going!
TJ - to be fair, now that our SW knows how we are feeling and how close we are to giving notice, they have tried to get respite cover for us, although there are not many people willing to take him – the person that had him for a night last week has now said she won't have him back again so we are back to square one 🙁
We have tried talking to him and explain how his outbursts feel for us, but when he has an outburst he simply has no regulation or control - it's more than just being angry or moody, he simply loses all ability to control himself emotionally. I think I may have said earlier, but as soon as he has got the emotion out, he's back to normal and almost like he doesn't even know himself that he's just spent the last hour screaming or hitting his head on a door or whatever.
@johndoh I’m a regional manager for children’s homes that work with children similar to your boy. I’m also the chair of a foster panel.
My take is that sometimes the right thing is not to continue. We have to make those decisions too sometimes - it’s horrible, but, we have to balance the needs and rights of everyone in the home, and the same applies to you.
Just my thoughts, but as a first time foster experience, my advice would be to consider ending this one. You’ve done all you can, but it sounds like he needs more expertise than you guys can give. Doesn’t mean you’ve failed, just that you’ve done all you can for him.
For what it’s worth, you’ve managed to deal with way more than most foster carers, even some very experienced ones so well done!
Only you can know that - but in the calm moments you need to reflect as a family and consider the impact on everyone. If everyone can manage it fine, but if it is breaking people, then you’ll be no good as foster carers for other kids, and you did say you were short term carers.
There is a strong pull to stick it out which is to be expected, just try to be rational in the decision. Hope that helps!
With the usual caveats here that I don't know what I'm talking about,
I understand the desire for control, and the concept of 'dirty' as irrational as that may be. Touching the outside of a washing machine though...
My thoughts are a) he needs support above and beyond what regular foster care can provide and b) stop pandering to it and shut down.
As soon as he kicks off, pretend he isn't there. If he's going to act like a toddler, treat him like one. If he craves attention, don't give it to him until he cools his tits. He is basically bullying you.
As I've repeated multiple times on STW now, "if you fall over, you're of no use to anyone else."
Here we go again - he was making pasta last night, pan on the front ring with the handle sticking right out. He wasn't in the room so I simply moved the pan so the handle was out of the way (as I was trying to cook a nice meal for my wife and I so we were sharing the same space). He came back in, noticed it, had a meltdown and refused to eat the pasta.
As soon as he kicks off, pretend he isn’t there. If he’s going to act like a toddler, treat him like one. If he craves attention, don’t give it to him until he cools his tits. He is basically bullying you.
Which is basically what I did, I just said don't be silly and ignored him. He ended up eating his 'Mac n cheese' sauce with bread. Bread out of the same bag everyone else puts their hands in and grabs bread.
I give up, I really do.
@johdoh it sounds like you're doing your best and it's not working for any of you.
Before I weigh in, can I check, is this a venting thread or an advice thread?
I have said this on other care threads<br /><br />Everyone has their limits. these limits vary from person to person. Once you have reached your limit you have done everything you can do and at that point you can do no more. If you try to go beyond your limits you will get burnt out, stressed and resentful
Unfortunately in this case its very much a binary position. He either lives with you or does not. You cannot reduce the frequency or length of visits as you could in other situations<br /><br />if you have reached your limits and have done your best and its still not enough then you have to stop. And stop without guilt or second thoughts. You have tried your best, you have done your best. You can do no more. if it is not enough what you have done that is not your fault. Its simply the situation is beyond your abilities.
Cynically I think the SW has placed what they knew would be a very difficult child with you to take advantage of your keenness and ignorance as a first time foster career hoping that you will get attached to the kid and the placement would not fail. Why did a more experienced foster carer not take him?
YOu need to have a think about it but you have gone a lot further than I could have done. Its negatively effecting you. If you end the placement YOU have NOT failed. the system has by giving you a task beyond your abilities. Again IMO this kid needs residential psychiatric care not a foster placement with folk who are well intentioned but who do not have the skills to deal with a child with such difficulties.
good luck.
Before I weigh in, can I check, is this a venting thread or an advice thread?
Venting! (Although advice is most welcome). We get lots of advice (we do have a reasonable amount of support from the social services, however *HE* won't engage with any professionals as he isn't willing to change which is what needs to happen). I get that the social services are on their knees - way more children needing support than there are people available so we are doing what we can. Our SW is looking for a more suitable long-term placement but there simply isn't anyone and we really don't want to offload him into emergency care so we are soldiering on.
Cynically I think the SW has placed what they knew would be a very difficult child with you to take advantage of your keenness and ignorance as a first time foster career hoping that you will get attached to the kid and the placement would not fail. Why did a more experienced foster carer not take him?
When he came to us it was meant to be short-term (ie, 'a few days') as his mum was in hospital and he was expected to go back. However she died (Aug 2022) and we felt we couldn't just kick him out at that point. The funeral arrangements dragged on so she wasn't laid to rest until mid-October, then it was too close to Christmas so we said he could stay. Since the new year they have been looking but there is no-one (the one person who said they would take him long term met him once then said she wouldn't).
Update… we gave our notice, SS found a match, they seemed almost perfect, today they have pulled out. For ****ing ****’s sake - he was getting prepared, now , this ****ing woman who has 20+ years experience says she isn’t capable of looking after him. The experience and training she has is massive - but now we find ourselves with him for longer. Am I ranting? Probably yes - we’re both self-medicating…
That sounds crap for both of you. Hope you find a solution soon.
It's not working for you as a family or him. It's time for SS to step up. The other fosterer pulling out shouldn't be a factor (and yes, I know it is because you are nice folk), to you being able to move on. Forcing the issue by identifying a timeline for him to move out may help SS get more creative about how to provide the care he so clearly needs. Good luck again OP I'm humbled when I think what you've done and how it must have impacted your family.
SS get more creative about how to provide the care
I can assure you that the Children's Services team will be doing all they can to identify a placement, otherwise the boy will have to be placed into a high cost privat placement, which will take thousands of pounds a week out of an already massively overstretched budget.
The issue is not with social services, the issue is with a broken care system, lack of funding and Independent Fostering Agencies sucking carers and cash out of what should be 100% non profit.
Spend an hour with a social work team and tell me that they are not working flat out trying to make lives better for the children they work with.
Edit: well done for sticking with him for so long, and don't let the experience put you off opening your home and heart to another child.
It really isn’t SS’s fault - we had given notice (technically it was to end yesterday but we agreed to extend by a week due to circumstances) and they put him straight on the ‘Critical’ list (he was on ‘At Risk’ before). They found a suitable match (and she seemed really keen, even excited). They are now looking at the independent carers route but, as has been said, this is massively expensive. There are simply too few carers and the ones that are available generally don’t want someone with his complex issues. The last thing we’d do is let him go into emergency care where he’d be living out of a bag and going from home to home until they find someone willing to take him.
Edit: well done for sticking with him for so long, and don’t let the experience put you off opening your home and heart to another child.
This is an eye opening and deeply moving thread. As others have said, I hope you find a solution soon
Yes , we do too - right now, given what has happened, we kinda feel we’ll have to accept he’ll be with us until after Christmas now - it’s unlikely someone will be ready to take him in, the transition time will bring it up to just before Christmas and we are going away for a week starting 22nd Dec (fortunately we’d allowed for the eventuality he’d still be with us).
Has he been painting in the bathroom?
Hah - no, but he is one of the main reasons for that post - particularly when he is emotional, he does sometimes have excessively long showers.
"I cannot take very much of the credit that is due."
Your Wife may be the Epic person. However, even if that is the case, you should give yourself a BIG pat on the back as well!
That painting looks a lot like what was in my head a year back - the great fog of despair.
So… he was meant to go for a night with respite careers last night, we had massive fights, got him to the house, he refused to go in, had to bring him back. So we have given a definitive last date of mid-January (we can’t possibly expect a move to happen now, just before Christmas). We need a break and focus on ourselves for a bit. I’m not entirely sure if it was us that weren’t good enough and we took on way too much for our first placement or is he just such a tragic case in need of support that most would find it hard to provide.
IMO Inappropriate placement. He needed far more than you could give and being first time foster parents made it harder for you to recognise this.
The blame lies with the social workers. ( and partly with the system) Not the kid and not you. You have done far more than most of us could do and far more than should be expected of you
100% - they needed to place him, we agreed to a weekend so we could get to understand the system, events happened (ie his mum dying) and we felt we couldn’t move him on. The more we tried to help, the more we felt we were taken advantage of. ☹️ from early spring we were asking for respite but it’s only the last few months when we have told them of our intentions and that he needs to be moved on, that they have actually tried to do something that meant we may keep him longer and avoid the massive fees of paying independent carers.
Do foster parents get paid in England? I think they do up here.
SW are to some extent firefighting - I saw a newspaper article about shortage of foster parents but that does not excuse what they did to you. IMO you were taken advantage of in your enthusiasm and inexperience.
Mate,
I'm not one to call a spade a manually-operated air-cooled earth relocation device so please believe me when I say,
You have done an astonishing job here. I cannot imagine how someone would even begin, let alone carry it through with the patience, kindness and humility you've demonstrated time and again.
So don't you $%^&ing [color=red]dare [/color]beat yourself up about it. Or I will find you.
😁
We get paid for the cost of the child ( food, clothes, travelling allowance etc) and a small carers allowance, but not a wage as such (my wife still has to work and we are really no better off than we were). When we first told them of our intention to end the placement, they offered to pay us as specialist carers (as that would cost them significantly less than using independent carers) but it was never about the money. Hopefully, he’ll end up somewhere safe, he’ll still want us to be involved with him to an extent and he’ll grow to understand that we tried.
That will be why they are short of foster parents. I had a look at the scottish website and its not quite what I thought it was - sounds similar to what you got. Looks like some full time fosterers thru agencies get a lot more. Very confusing.
Ditto TJ. You have been, and will in future be, doing great work, but you're part of a larger team (as far as the individual is concerned, the most important part) and you can't be expected to make up for gaps elsewhere.
It's good that you've set a closing date. Think about how long a gap you'll want/need before the next one.
I’m not entirely sure if it was us that weren’t good enough and we took on way too much for our first placement or is he just such a tragic case in need of support that most would find it hard to provide.
A bit of both, minus the you not being 'good enough'. What you might currently lack in skills and experience you have more than made up for with courage and love.
I have a saying I use with folk who are caring for elderly relatives - I think it also applies here
Everyone has their limits, These limits vary between individuals. When you have reached your limit you have done all you can and can do no more. You have to be happy that you have done all you can and done your best. if its not enough then its not your fault. You have done all you can, Going beyond your limits leads to burnout, stress and resentment
Yes - when we first applied, we understood we wouldn’t get anything at all, our LA changed it to offer a small allowance, but it’s about 1/10th of what independent companies (not the carers being paid by the companies) get.