We were visiting some friends in Vancouver Island while their 2 year old was being a right little s*.
I was driving while his dad tried to keep him calm and I went the wrong way to which Dad replies why the f did you go that way.
Cue silence and kid shouts out loud and proud F.
Silence/holding in laughing he repeats, and repeats and repeats till we have to pull over and explain why he should never say it again especially near his mum - sweets were exchanged. All finally calms down and we head back. When his mum came back from work kid appears - when asked what he did today yells F*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We made a run for the other room.
I pop into Halfords the other day for this gem:
Me (having lost my shock pump): "Hi, I know it's a pain but could I please borrow a shock pump for 30 seconds?"
Halfords employee (points to track pump): "Pump's over there."
Me: "I need a shock pump, not a track pump."
Employee (looks at me blankly):
I go and get a shock pump off the shelf in it's packaging: "I need to borrow one of these please."
Employee: "What's the difference?"
I should have given up here, but I press on.
Me: "Track pumps are designed for pumping up tyres, shock pumps are for forks and shocks."
Employee (with a big grin): "Hahaha, you almost had me there, forks don't need pumping up!"
Me : Facepalm.
I've had a simlar experience to the nuggets!
Me "hi can I have a double cheese burger please?"
Bloke "sorry mate we've run out, I can do you two singles for the same price?"
Me (Wondering if he's taking the piss....).."ok" 😆
At an office I worked at we were talking about some news item of the day:
Colleague - So wait, that bloke was sentenced abroad but has to go to prison here?
Me - What, no, of course not, why would you think that?
Colleague - It says here that he was tried in Absentia, wherever that is
Me - ....
[url= http://i419.photobucket.com/albums/pp271/repackrider/avatar235.jp g" target="_blank">http://i419.photobucket.com/albums/pp271/repackrider/avatar235.jp g"/> [/IMG][/url]
[url= http://sonic.net/~ckelly/Seekay/mtbwelcome.htm ][b]2retro4u[/b][/url]
Marin County, Cali
This one's not on me. Thank the Lord.
I move pianos. A few years ago I got a call to come out to a house and move one. As I drove up the address I had been given, I realized that it was about the fanciest residence I had ever seen.
Went inside to move the piano, and there were the residents, [i]Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf![/i] Andre was wearing a warmup suit with the logo "New York Tennis Club." That was a big surprise, but I maintained my professional demeanor. In my business I meet rock stars all the time.
As Andre walked with us around the grounds to show us where to put the piano, my employee said to him, "Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Andre Agassi?
After finding out that he was in fact Andre, my employee said something only slightly less dumb. "Did you ever play Pete Sampras?"
Answer, "Sure. We played (XX) times. He never beat me on clay and I never beat him on grass. Would you like to know the score of every match?"
Just remembered a couple more...
Me, "My oldest brother and sister are twins"
Friend, "Are they identical ?"
Mechanic, "We've just bought a 42" telly"
Tyre fitter, "How big's that then ?"
Asked a female customer on a job i did when was she expecting, she just had a fat belly i was mortified and promptly asked to "leave"
Called my old boss "mum" in a office full of tradesmen, harking back to school years when u did that to your teacher :/
A mate of mine used to play water polo - we were in the pub talking about a game he'd played in the pub when my wife came over to join the coversation and asked the immortal question: ' water polo - how do you get the horses in the pool?...'
This woman is a doctor!
Me, "My oldest brother and sister are twins"
Friend, "Are they identical ?"
Oddly, identical twins CAN be opposite sex. I mean yes, they're not identical as such but genetically so.
At School -
Teacher - Can anyone tell me who Roger Bannister is?
A few pupils try to guess, then I have an idea...
Me - Sir, was he the first person to run the London Marathon in a wheelchair?!
Cue laughter from the whole class & teacher as I try & work out what I just said..
"so, when is your baby due.................................................."
My girlfriend recently -
'I'd quite like a job in an F1 team, but one that doesn't carry much responsibility - maybe polishing the drivers' helmets?'
Me, this evening: 'self defecating'
Not many of my own but my GF leaves us rolling about with many gems. She is the queen of Malaprop/Weirdness. I leave you with a preview of my book I have planned.
"Do you think Deaf people dream in Black and White?"
"My Excremities are cold"
Got her pal to phone the pet shop to ask for advice on Tropical fish. She just used the number of the first receipt she found in her pocket. Which was a receipt for Harry Ramsdens. "I'm calling about the fish" Yes? we do fish!...... it was a wee while before the error became clear.
Has ridden a bicycle down a slide.
Went to the pub and got covered in lemonade. sat on a towel for the rest of the night.
At new year described the Pipe band to her mum as a Brass Band
"Blah blah you know? cause you cant see with your eyes closed..."
"I'm just talking cause I can..blah blah blah.I dont even know what I'm saying...Are you listening? You' re not even listening"
"quit yer peein iain, youre talkin pish."
"Are you ready to Transverse?" Traverse.
MP accountability Claire style. Quizzed an MP in great detail about what he actually does first thing in the morning when he gets in the office.
MP - " I sit down and switch on the computer" Claire - And then what do you after that? MP "Check the email." Claire - "and then what do you after that?"....continues...
Claire has decided that we have to check exactly what MPs actually do is important as if its not important there is no point in having them.
Is your skin still tinkling? (Tingling after a conv about sunburn)
C "You are like the Durex bunny on speed"
I "Durex?"
C "You are like the dulux bunny on speed"
I " Dulux?"
C "You are like you know , the battery bunny on speed"
Oddly, identical twins CAN be opposite sex. I mean yes, they're not identical as such but genetically so
That would be genetically identical except for the gender bit then 😕
Out of interest how did the egg split and produce two different sexes?
A twin is one of two offspring produced in the same pregnancy.[1] Twins can either be monozygotic ("identical"), meaning that they develop from one zygote that splits and forms two embryos, or dizygotic ("fraternal") because they develop from two separate eggs that are fertilized by two separate sperm.
I think you can still save it by saying it was your entry 😉
Nice Lass at work who is a bit slow fell for a cracker recently, still hasn't caught on.
Her: apparently this guy had brought his dog into the country illegally, how did they know?
Me(dismissively): obvious, the accent
Her: ....makes sense I suppose
Hook, line and sinker!
That would be genetically identical except for the gender bit then
Out of interest how did the egg split and produce two different sexes?
I can't find anything particularly online which you couldn't but supposedly although it's very rare after the egg split there is a chance of the Y chromosome being dropped in one so it changes from male to female. Obviously I'm not any sort of biologist so it's beyond me how it works. Might actually be a proper paper somewhere though
Edit
This might do the trick - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11173871
Abstract
Although discordant karyotypes are known in identical twins, cases involving differences in sex phenotype are rare. We studied identical twins with the 46,XY karyotype - a male with mixed gonadal dysgenesis and a female with "pure" gonadal dysgenesis. The testis-determining SRY gene was present in DNA from both twins but no mutations were detected in the SRY conserved motif. Monozygosity was indicated by short tandem repeat polymorphism analysis. These observations could be attributed to (i) mutation and mosaicism involving "downstream" sex-determining loci, (ii) variable penetrance of genes such as DSS/NR0B1, duplication of which can disrupt the male-determining pathway, or (iii) occurrence of cryptic 45,X gonadal cell lines.
*phew* thought I'd misremembered that fact for a moment
Fairly sure i have told this before.
Current Mrs Cursing before we were wed. Somewhere in Dorset heading for a weekends windsurfing. Sun was shining and it was high summer.
Her- how do the trees know to grow into that square shape over the road?
I guess i should have stopped the car and ran......
From my Sig. Oth.
"But there's no gravity on the moon."
[a look from me]
"That's why they wear moon boots!"
"But our bikes don't have brake pads."
[a look from me]
"They have brake disks!"
An old housemate:
"Is that fire gas or electric?"
[straight faced] "Electric, that's why the flames are blue."
"Oh of course."
In 2005 myself and Mrs PP were hiking down into the Grand Canyon. Just ahead of as were a typical American couple in their 20s, all Abercrombie & Fitch, tanned with perfect teeth, CSI Miami extras basically.
We heard her ask him what the 'piles of grass clippings were' along the trail, and he gently explained that they were piles of dung from the mule trains (They did look grassy to be fair) Then, shortly after, she asked why here, near the top, there' was just a few bushes, but down at the bottom, there, it was all mossy..?
We could virtually hear the sigh as he paused slightly before explaining, Father Ted style, that that wasn't moss, but the same bushes, but further away. He must have had the patience of a saint! 🙂
An ex-gf....
"Normandy's in the South of France, isn't it?......Of course it is! Don't be daft. It's South of us, therefore it's in the South of France."
😯
She's now a rather successful journalist!
Went to a Rotary Charter Night last night, some silly woman president from a guest club was making a speech about recruiting. She closed with:
"It just goes to show, you never know where your next member is coming from"
Cue stifled giggles from 200 blokes!
Think I have shared this before but both involve drink and ladies.
I was introduced to and started talking with a girl that had her tongue pierced (circa 2001). Noticing the lisp
Me: when did you get your tongue pierced?
Her: About a year ago...
Me: You wanna get your effing money back if you're still speaking like that!
Her: This is how I normally speak.
Me:.....
It wasn't all bad. She started seeing my housemate and left him to became a lesbian.
Being introduced to another lady in a noisy nightclub and being totally lashed (circa 1999):
Me: Whats your name?
Erm: Em
Me: Erm? Thats a stupid name for a girl. Who on earth would name their daughter Erm?
Erm: No, it's Em, short for Emma...
Me: well what didn't you say...
I had to leave the club shortly afterwards. Cheap booze had caught up with me!
Me: "Would you like an ice cream?"
Ex G/f: "Oh yes...but I don't want to get fat. I think I'll go for one of those Malteser ice-creams, Maltesers aren't very fattening are they?"
Me: "...!"
I like that many of these look very much like tongue in cheek comments.. and that when you've misinterpreted them the person that has said something 'stupid' just can't be arsed to correct you, figuring that perhaps you're not actually worth the breath..
😆
Subway (Eat Fresh!), Colorado
Plain Ham Sandwich please.
- We have salad on all Subs
But I don't want Salad
- Sir, we have salad on all Subs
OK.
....
- Do you want lettuce?
No
- Do you want Tomato?
No
Took a few more for the penny to drop
Met up with an old friend that I grew up with after a Facebook encounter. So we met in a pub having not seen each other for 16/17 years;
Me - 'how's your brother, Gary?'
Him - 'he's dead, you were at his funeral when we were 18'
Me - 'oh erm.......shite, yeah.....sorry about that.....any other brothers?'
Him - 'no'
Years ago talking to a girl at a local pub. Asked where she worked
Her: at such and such a hotel.
Me: Oooh the bloke that runs that is a right misery guts, basil fawlty would be proud.
Her: Thats my dad.....
Me: Aaaah
Last Friday it was Brest Cancer Awareness Day in the Office.. One of those dress up in Pink days and hand over dosh.. you know the sort of thing.
I made a special effort, no I did really. I found a pink T-Shirt, Rapha Jeans turned up to reveal the pink stripe, blah, blah blah..
1st meeting of the day.. "well done you", "Ahh thanks" I say, "you've made such an effort you should win the prize for best effort", "nahh, really? I think I look a bit ghey TBH"..
One of the other Manager is ghey..
I stumbled over my own tongue and went a pale pink with embarrassment for the rest of the day.
A good few years ago then gf (now wife) and I took a load of paper and card to the tip for recycling. I came back from doing the glass to her furiously going through the magazines and ripping out random pages before ditching them. Then she says
"I mean, how are we meant to judge if its ok to be recycled or not - they are not all one colour!"
Looked at her quizzically "what the hell are you talking about"?
She points to a sign "It says No Yellow Pages!"
I had to pick myself off the floor 😀
The best bit was after a year of two of telling this story to friends, we'd start going to dinner at peoples houses and people we'd never met would start to tell us about this daft friend of a friend who'd ripped out the yellow pages! Brilliant - she got so squirm all over again!
Heard a re-broadcast of the 7/11 bombings on the radio just as I walked into the room. Thought it was live. Posted it on here.
Then suffered. Oh, how I suffered...
As a student after Xmas break, I bumped into a girl I knew and asked "how was your festive period?" 😛
I love all the ones saying "not me but" it's like going in to buy a jazz mag saying "its for my mate"
"I only drink on days that end in day"
I was pretty drunk though!
convert - MemberA good few years ago then gf (now wife) and I took a load of paper and card to the tip for recycling. I came back from doing the glass to her furiously going through the magazines and ripping out random pages before ditching them. Then she says
"I mean, how are we meant to judge if its ok to be recycled or not - they are not all one colour!"
Looked at her quizzically "what the hell are you talking about"?
She points to a sign "It says No Yellow Pages!"
I had to pick myself off the floor
The best bit was after a year of two of telling this story to friends, we'd start going to dinner at peoples houses and people we'd never met would start to tell us about this daft friend of a friend who'd ripped out the yellow pages! Brilliant - she got so squirm all over again!
If true you win the prize.
Not me but a from a friend a few years ago.
When there were lots of Firkin brew pubs around their middle strength brew was named after the pub. We were in a converted post office building so to continue the postal theme the pub was called the Philatelist and Firkin. I wanted a pint of their middle brew but my mate got a bit tongue tied when ordering and asked for a pint of Fellatio!
😯
OK, big 'dig yourself out of this hole' one from me 🙂
Little bit drunk at a huge and I mean huge wedding in London, got introduced to Prince Naseem (the boxer) who, I thought was a rapper!
He, thankfully, found it funny, guess not everyone is into boxing, which was a relief for me as some of his mates were not impressed!
When in Australia, it's best to find out that 'rooter' is a euphemism for penis [i]before [/i]ringing up your ISP to discuss possible issues with your hardware...
Heard a re-broadcast of the 7/11 bombings on the radio just as I walked into the room. Thought it was live. Posted it on here.Then suffered. Oh, how I suffered...
Oh I remember that. That wasn't your finest hour, was it? 😉
Of course it was! 😀
it's like going in to buy a jazz mag saying "its for my mate"
Once I spent 10 minutes helping a gentleman of diminished stature buy porn. He asked me to pass him a mag from the top shelf and I did. Then he asked for that one to be put back and give him a different one. I was about 14 and to this day I can't work out if he kept going through them just to see how embarrassed I'd get.
Don't know how it came up but a young secretary once piped up with a query to rest of the office "what exactly are beef curtains?"
Once I spent 10 minutes helping a gentleman of diminished stature buy porn. He asked me to pass him a mag from the top shelf and I did. Then he asked for that one to be put back and give him a different one. I was about 14 and to this day I can't work out if he kept going through them just to see how embarrassed I'd get.
Was his name Jimmy?
???7/11 bombings
or warwick?
