[Closed] Do you argue with your OH much?? (It's a bit mumsnetty..)

She's not called Louise by any chance?

This she is not!

DrP

For various reasons her ability to do her hobbies have been limited – i get that this in itself is frustrating for her

There's the issue right there. Sort this and job's a good'un.

Sort this and job’s a good’un.

Oh completely... Which, of course, leads to the next question doesn't it...
Apart from 'waving a magic wand' and fixing the possibly unfixable, taking into account where we are now, and the tools/abilities we have in front of us, what can one do if she's unabl;e to move on...

I try to make suggestions for hobbies for her. Lone hobbies, and those involving the family...

There comes a point where you think "I can't face being met with anger and annoyance when trying to help, ergo I'l stop trying to help".... And I hate feeling like that.

DrP

We usually have one good row a month, only lasts a day. It's usually when I pass comment on her family being lazy horrible minging selfish parasites who only contact us to try and stick their grubby hand's into our pockets or to get us to complete diy tasks they or their half wit children are more than capable of doing, if they didn't spend most of their time smoking or stuffing their fat ugly face's with cheap takeaway pizza's and energy drinks whilst sat on their fat diabetic arses. The useless ****.

But outside of that we are a pretty good team, and she is my best mate. I appreciate that's more an answer to your question rather than any advice. But I enjoyed it.

To be fair - the amount training needed to win races isn't a few hours a week. It's 4, 5 or 6 days a week and decent rides when doing them. Perhaps they go fast for you, but many hours sat alone in the house can drag.

I have the opposite problem - my wife and daughter want me [b]out[/b] of the house! So I've just started a beginners course in archery.

Without going into to much detail what are the reasons your wife can't do hobbies?

Ah, bugger. Go for a ride to clear your head then..........

Keep trying DrP - do more new stuff together, some of her old stuff, some of her stuff with her mates , something will click. Hopefully.

To be fair – the amount training needed to win races isn’t a few hours a week. It’s 4, 5 or 6 days a week and decent rides when doing them. Perhaps they go fast for you, but two hours sat alone in the house can drag.

Hmm.. genuinely, my training consists of a Tuesday evening ride MOST tuesdays; out the house at 1930, back about 11.
I've completely given up weekend rides for the past 18 months.
I pootle on my cargo bike for work - I live about 2 minutes from work....
(It's recognaised that if I DID actually train, i'd do really quite well nationally etc..but..I choose not to!)*

Without going into to much detail what are the reasons your wife can’t do hobbies?

Some ligamental issues, which really affect her chosen hobby significntly. They don't seem to be getting better.

DrP

* Edit - Do I feel frustrated that I'm not supported and encouraged.. Yeah, I guess I do feel that...But I recognise that I'm mostly happy doing the riding I do, and what I acheive.
Yak - I try to encourage family bike rides, which I thought she liked - I built her up a lovely little mtb/gravel bike, which she loved. But now it's all rubbish again... Hmm..

Hmm.. genuinely, my training consists of a Tuesday evening ride MOST tuesdays; out the house at 1930, back about 11.
I’ve completely given up weekend rides for the past 18 months.
I pootle on my cargo bike for work – I live about 2 minutes from work….
(It’s recognaised that if I DID actually train, i’d do really quite well nationally etc..but..I choose not to!)

GIT! I used to train my nuts off to be spat out of the back of a sport race!

My sympathy has run out! 🙂

Oh - and yes me and my missus bicker a lot, but rarely full blown rows.

As for the headline, probably not enough - we've had maybe 2/3 major arguments in 9 years and maybe 2/3 smaller ones over frivolous things. Might sound good on paper, but it just means resentment can fester and small things grow.

Anyway, sounds tough. Wives getting all agro because Husbands (it's usually that way around) are spending time they could spend staring at their phones whilst the TV is on at the same time as them on other things is as old as marriage. That's usually what it boils down to - 'selfishness'.

If I knew the answer I'd be rich, Bill Gates rich.

The only advice I can offer is grow thicker skin, because the alternative is to be the dutiful 'Yes Dear' broken man. I always think of that bloke on 'Keeping up appearances' - I fear that's what trying for the 'easy life' leads to.

Yes dear.....

Send her on a comprehensive bike mechanic training course.

She then  has an absorbing  new hobby which she can do from home and you spend less time fettling your bike.

Everyone's a winner.

#TeamPCycling

Hobbies is such an odd word, try using interests, passions, whatever, but hobby just paints pictures of building train sets and crochet. Anyway, to the OP.

Clearly there is some underlying issue here about her not being able to do "stuff" and you doing lots of it. 2 things spring to mind. First, try and sit down and establish what an acceptable amount of time (and money?) is for you to spend on your "hobbies" each week/month. This will hopefully lead into a conversation on how it's important to you and how you can work to make sure it doesn't impact on family life. Next, talk to her about what she likes and what she wants to do. It absolutely can not be you throwing ideas at her ("you like running don't you, there's a club down the road, join that. Have you ever baked, you'd be good at that, try it"), it's got to be her thinking of thing she wants to do and then you helping her make it happen. If you happen to give up some of your time to help her then I'd suggest that's no bad thing in the short term. I'd also try and make sure that what she does is not kid-centric as that devalues it to merely glorified child care, make it something for just her.

I speak here from the perspective of a man who always did loads of "stuff" with a wife who did very little. She didn't really have a hobby as such and so I felt bad about doing so much and she resented the time I used. We had the above conversation, I gave up a bit, she found something she liked doing and that led to all kinds of other things. I now do more than I ever have but she does a lot too so it's worked out perfectly in the end.

Nopes. Once in 13 years

I try to make suggestions for hobbies for her. Lone hobbies, and those involving the family…

Sue's involved with this lot:

http://www.womenscentre.org

Runs a few classes, has made some good friends and developed loads of new skills.

Anything similar locally?

Oh, dancing.

A bit of  Northern Soul every few weeks throughout the winter seems to make both of us easier to live with.

Tricky one, it does sound like a 'her' problem that she's making a 'you' problem. If you can't find a mutual hobby (or one for her) then you could try to just be annoying when 'forced' to stay in the house. e.g. if Eastenders is on ask a load of questions about who's who and the plot line, until she asks you to shut up and go and find something else to do...

The key to any successful relationship

Do you have young kids? are you both getting at least 7 hours sleep?
We have a nearly 2 year old and we've had a hellish 18 months with the little one. Lack of sleep leads to irratability leads to anger leads to suffering..... err arguments.
Baby is finally sleeping through and our arguments have dropped right off..
Is there anything you can do to make her life easier? I don't know your home set up but perhaps employ a cleaner or have someone do the ironing. These things don't cost a great deal but free up valuable time. Also make her feel special, do some romantic things for her, even if this just leaving a note saying 'i love you' or ring her at lunchtime to see how she is. Sorry if I'm teaching you to suck eggs.

Tricky one, it does sound like a ‘her’ problem that she’s making a ‘you’ problem.

I suppose 'her' problems are 'you' problems in a marriage, and vice versa. Her being pissed off at your activities shouldn't necessarily be taken at face value (she doesn't want you to do X), but possibly as an expression of her frustration at her health issues in comparison with your good health and fitness.

This is emotional abuse and you need to leave her now before her behaviour gets worse. Is she violent? Think she might be having an affair?

I get the 'all you care about is your effing bike' treatment quite regularly.  she has a point...

We very, very rarely argue, but we are both quite active people, with some shared interests....

Everyone, and everyones relationships are different and there is no "right" its what works for you both...

That being said, I have been in relationships before where I do "stuff" and she doesn't...

I have also seen lots of friends in the same situation, where they do "stuff" and the other one doesn't....

Only once have I seen it actually work, when he goes off does his hobbies and she happily doesn't....

Most of the time, it leads to resentment of the one going off and doing stuff, even if it isn't really that often, and its not conflicting with other plans, and they do their fair share (or more than their fair share) of suff round the house.

I couldn't stick a relationship where we argued often.

So, either you tough it out, and as above its probably a difficult conversation where you explain how she is making you feel when you go to do your hobby, agreeing whats acceptable, and getting her to see whats really going on (or you see whats really going on, in case its actually you being unreasonable and impacting on her.....)

Either she makes peace with it, and finds a way of getting over her issues, be that accepting it, or finding something to do herself, or it (for me would be) probably the end of things between us....

Lunge - I think what you're writing holds true.
I can definitely see myself as being guilty of being a 'fix it man'... "you got a problem..here's a solution" type responses. I guess I'm kind of like it at work too a bit.. However, at work, if I suggest something important to health, and a patinet declines to accept my help, I can shrug my shoulders, say "I tried" and it's not adversely affecting my home or or family life...

And yep, have 2 young kids. The youngest is super clinigy to mum - annoyingly so. I'ma  really involved dad TBH - take them swimming (on my own), happy to spend all day with teh kids if needed. Basically, I know i'd actually be fine if it was just me bringing up the kids... that's a concnerning thought isn't it...

And we've a cleaner... And I do all the cleaning and ironing at home too.....!

I realise that I do need to do more to make her feel more special and be more romantic. But.honestly, from my side it all feels unappreicated, and then it comes back to the feeling from my perspective of 'why bother..she's made up her mind on me.."...

DrP

When I met my now wife, over 6 years ago I told her from day one "Never ask me to choose between you and riding bikes". She has never asked.

Massive and potentially insulting statement to follow, apologies but...

In my experience, women don't really appreciate you trying to "fix their problems" but if you express how you "feel" and talk about how she feels... then they relate to that...

Then you need to express how you want to be there for her, and will support her with what she decides, and hope she will support you as well....

That seems quite callous and crass written down, but hopefully you get where I am coming from....

You need to validate her feelings rather than offer solutions, as I am regularly reminded!

Apparently Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a good read, but I wouldn't know as I gave it to a Charity shop of which I am also regularly reminded....

All the time about stupid nonsense (getting lost in the car, being late, out of date yoghurt...), but never about anything serious (money, future plans, the kids...). It do think that sometimes my very existence seems to bother her, and to be fair some of the time I deserve a good yelling at.

I'm quite quiet and emotionless (the major problem tbh) and she is a bit of a fireball.

We have been together for 18 years though, I've not been murdered and we always make up.

EDITED for unfortunate nip-slip on family site!

No, we don't ever argue.

However, we've not met another couple that don't argue, or at least bicker, so I'm not sure what's going on as "not arguing" should be a major factor in having a relationship with someone imo!

Arguing seems to be an accepted part of a modern relationship, so what do I know.

Sounds rubbish that it's happening. All I can suggest is forgiveness, not holding a grudge, laughing honestly about whatever it is,  and making the first non judgemental step after a disagreement. If this doesn't work work then it's time to really start thinking about it. It's a short time on this planet to spend it arguing!

what doe she want from you and what you do want from her. I have to say several incidents with Jnr has helped galvanise our relationship as we worked through it together.

One thing I realised is perspectives and priorities change and if your other half is going to be there when things get tough ( not just the petty things).

Hope it all works out for you and mrsP

"Nopes. Once in 13 years"

...Still not speaking?

TBH my OH is pretty much exactly the same, and it completely sucks the fun out of going for a ride (or going Sailing which is my weekend hobby) when you know you'll be coming back to a sulk.

It has got better since she started going to the gym regularly with one of her friends (3-4 times a week), which means there's now as many days of the week where I have to be the one at home making sure dinner is cooked for when she gets back.

But she does also completely fail to grasp how much competitive hobbies can mean, to me it's a big deal if I go for a weekends racing and come mid fleet or sneak a top 10 result rather than making up the numbers.

It's the same with career stuff, she did a qualification last year and got a promotion as a result this year and I gave here a lot of support through that, both having to actually teach her how to write a business report that was coherent and understandable (my first go with the red pen did result in tears!) and praise/presents when she passed and again on her promotion. Now  I've had a couple of shit years career wise but do occasionally get lucky and make decent sums of money a few times a year (like I'll get +30% of my annual salary in a month as a bonus on a project then be back to basic for 3 months) and she can't ever seem to view those as a glass half full moment, it's not "well done you worked hard for that" it's "well that barely makes up for you being shit for the last 3 months".

I think it's partially my fault for being a bit of a pushover, I give her too many carrots and in return all I get is sticks.  Sometimes I do feel like I need to actually have a go at her to remind her that a) she's not perfect and that she is capable of doing things that aren't, and b) that someone having a go at you is really shit.

I'd be careful that you don't get into a pattern of appeasing her - it sounds like you've already been very flexible.I got into a similar pattern when I was married and it became the norm to be the one keeping the peace, the one the kids wanted time with , I think a frank discussions possibly with some support from Relate about who wants what and how it can be reconciled , there does get to be a point where you lean so far that you fall on your arse.

IME it’s better all round to avoid arguing and bottle it all up.

Have you tried totting up how much time you have on your own to do stuff (anything) against how much time she has?  I actually get it in the neck for not taking as much time to myself as my wife does, but that is my problem and it does not get on my nerves.  We do actually clock the amount of time that we have and talk if it gets out of balance.  I found a book by Michael Rosen, called Goodies and Daddies, made some really interesting points.  One was that work is not just what we get paid for, but all the other stuff that makes a household tick.  Once we had clocked that then we could see if either of us was out of order, especially when the kids were young.  This all went to pot when my wife had chronic fatigue and we are five years in but the balance is just about being restored.  It helps as the kids are older, but we do have to check in with each other that it is all ok.

It looks like you are pretty sorted as far as a balance in childcare, but if you are able to what you like when you like and she is more restricted then a bit of friction may come from there as well.  Only telling you what you already know, but it may take an honest conversation about how both of you react to the situation to find out what is really at the bottom of it.

Treat them mean to keep them keen...( an old saying )

I've always subscribed to this theory with my current partner..and we have been together for twenty years with a fifteen year old son ..

Having said that it took me two previous attempts to work that out as I was too soft in my previous marriage & another long term relationship where I let my daughter's mother become too controlling .

Going back to that statement above ..in no way do I mean become physically or mentally violent ..just a little rogueish at times with a couldn't give a **** attitude ..dont get me wrong though I occasionally go too far and bring her right up to boiling point and then I need to get out of the way ..but those times are few and far between and it's over before it gets started .( never let an arguement fester ..saying sorry even if it's not your fault ..works 9 times out of 10 )

It also helps that she is 17 years younger than me & I still fancy her like mad ..and let her know that on a daily basis ..not that my advances get a result every day mind ..far from it !😁

Bottom line is though ..if it's not working and can't be fixed ..move on.

Life is too short to be miserable ..

Divorce.

LTB.

...only joking, but would she consider going to see another GP?

And yes we argue a fair bit, about different stuff. She is happy for me to ride more than you do, even though I'm unlikely to ever see the top of a podium. I'm sole breadwinner and probably do more than half the chores, so I think I get cut a bit of slack on that front.

The clingy kid will most likely grow out of it soon-ish, both ours did.

It’s usually when I pass comment on her family being lazy horrible minging selfish parasites who only contact us to try and stick their grubby hand’s into our pockets or to get us to complete diy tasks they or their half wit children are more than capable of doing, if they didn’t spend most of their time smoking or stuffing their fat ugly face’s with cheap takeaway pizza’s and energy drinks whilst sat on their fat diabetic arses. The useless ****.

Dunno if you meant this to be funny, but it gave me a chuckle in what I expected to be a darker thread.

😀

tbh ive got exactly the same as the original post with mine 🙂

Tried getting her into hobbies and that went badly. had to hold out for a while till she found something that someone else suggested (parkrun) even though i had offered it an an idea many times before. You kind of feel like ffs but thats not the point.

The only way i could get out is if i "arrange" her to go out more times than i do. Otherwise it doesn't work. If your racing this would almost be impossible i think.

I had a bit of a wobble last year and ended up saying that i cant carry on with that the way she resented me going out. It was all based on the fact that we were both suffering with depression. Now after weve had that chat were a lot more supportive to each other. It was a horrible place to be though but i guess it had to happen.

and she can’t ever seem to view those as a glass half full moment, it’s not “well done you worked hard for that” it’s “well that barely makes up for you being shit for the last 3 months”.

I think it’s partially my fault for being a bit of a pushover, I give her too many carrots and in return all I get is sticks.  Sometimes I do feel like I need to actually have a go at her to remind her that a) she’s not perfect and that she is capable of doing things that aren’t, and b) that someone having a go at you is really shit.

Trying not to laugh ... but then i might cry!

I’d be careful that you don’t get into a pattern of appeasing her – it sounds like you’ve already been very flexible.I got into a similar pattern when I was married and it became the norm to be the one keeping the peace, the one the kids wanted time with , I think a frank discussions possibly with some support from Relate about who wants what and how it can be reconciled , there does get to be a point where you lean so far that you fall on your arse.

Sometimes easier said than done.  I started off because everything went back to agree or I am taking your kid away. (and this meant abroad) ... I checked and legally she can't but in practicality she can because once she's done it reversing the situation ends up in foreign courts and you are unlikely to ever win anyway.

Every day is her demonstrating how angry she is.  Banging doors, pans, stomping etc. I learned a long time ago not to ask if everything is OK... she does the most bizarre things like I might be watching TV and she will come into the living room and switch off the TV and lights then storm to her bedroom,  (not a word said)

It matters little what I do or do not do... because the result is the same.

CHeers for the replies..

I can see similar situations exist all round..TINAS; I can see reflections of my life in yours.

Part of my issue is that I HATE pointless confrontation (that’s not to say I’m a pushover/weak, it’s just that..well..I guess I see so much misery and suffering and such in day to day work, and that I appreciate that I REALLY am very lucky/fortunate, so if something bad happens, i get briefly annoyed and then just move on.

Kind of because I choose to be happy, rather than hold a grudge or petty annoyance for too long.

For example, pertinent to my life; she says she never gets enough time to do what she wants..

However, She runs her own business (botox/dermal fillers..I’m sure I’ve said that here before) and frequently (like, once every 6 weeks) she’ll attend a conference or training day/weekend up in london. She’ll go with her friend (same industry), all delegates are treated to a hotel and wined and dined in the evening, and it sounds a right laugh. But...to her, it’s WORK so can’t be classed in the same category as a weekend riding with the lads (for example).

To me, though I accept it’s a ‘work related conference, it seems quite fun, and on the odd occasion i actually bring this up, i get told it’s incomparable......

It really feels like she’s ‘banning’ herself from realising life can be fun. Even the dull stuff can have a laugh made of it.

I appreciate I’m not perfect, and yeah, do stuff that’s annoying and probably disrespectful/ruse to her at times...but I frequently receive the same!

DrP

It’s usually when I pass comment on her family being lazy horrible minging selfish parasites who ............................... spend most of their time smoking or stuffing their fat ugly face’s with cheap takeaway pizza’s and energy drinks whilst sat on their fat diabetic arses. The useless ****.

I often say the same about her's, including once not too subtly on facebook when I'd just got out of hospital with a broken arm and a particularly obese aunt sent her a message saying she didn't know why she put up with me or my hobbies. It didn't help that my boss was of similar proportions made a similar comment despite the fact I think I missed substantially less days than the company average sickdays despite breaking my arm and having to go in for surgery on it later on.

"If one more fat person comments on my cycling and injuries I'm going to comment on their diet, exercise and diabetes".

This is emotional abuse

Sadly, this was my first thought.  Been there, etc.  There's a gulf of difference between feeling guilty and being made to feel guilty; the former is something you'll just have to get over, the latter is abuse.  And it's something which is very hard to recognise when you're in the middle of it, it's all too easy to make excuses.

I can definitely see myself as being guilty of being a ‘fix it man’… “you got a problem..here’s a solution” type responses.

Again, been there.  Often women don't want solutions, they want to hear "there there, that sounds terrible, shall we share a litre of Ben & Jerry's?"  Does she have any female friends?  They're much better at this than us neanderthals. </rash generalisations>

I got so locked into being a carer that I forgot how to be a partner.  I felt guilty about taking time for myself (note, this was my problem, she wasn't guilt-tripping me - quite the opposite, she was telling me to go do stuff and I wouldn't).  We ended up living in each other's pockets, and that's not healthy.  The turning point for me was realising, if I fall over then I'm no use to anyone else.

I think you both need to have a long, frank discussion about this, at a neutral time when neither of you is pissed off.  Explain that you need to take time to do these things for the sake of your own mental health, and you refuse to feel guilty about it.  Maybe ask if there's more to it - is she feeling insecure maybe, worrying when you go off that you might meet a younger model (because MTBing is awash with female riders, obvs) and not come back?

If you can't do this, or nothing changes, you're into the realms of either counselling or walking away.  With any partner you have to ask, is she / he enriching my life, or making it worse?  If the latter, why are you both together?  Do the pros outweigh the cons?

It's all familiar stuff, OP.  Just a couple of thoughts...

Doing all the cleaning etc around the house may be seen as "controlling", rather than in the way you might see it ("I do all the bloody work around here").

It does also sound as if your other half may want some kind of no-strings-attached recognition of the impact your hobby has on your partner and family?  I do detect some resentment on your part at being held back in your ambitions.

Are your standards seen as too high by your partner?  As in generally too high?

(This is all based on me picking out a few things that are familiar in the _H household.  I'm happy to say that we've kept the lines of communication open over the years - my other half understands the importance to my mental health of cycling and, in turn, I understand that what's "ok" can change quite quickly).

It really feels like she’s ‘banning’ herself from realising life can be fun.

Random thought here - solo hobbies / interests aside, do you do fun stuff together?  If her life is all "work" and she sees you out "having fun" then I can see how she might be a little resentful.  Not that that excuses her behaviour, mind.

Ohh, and get Google calendar on your phones if you don't already.

It's great being able to stick all my racing in the calendar in advance, that ways we both know what's coming up, and it's not a surprise to her when I say I'm off at the weekend whilst at the same time diffuses any argument along the lines of "you're always away" because we can both see the calendar and it's less than once a month at most, and outnumbered by the number of "Prosecco with the girls in London" type events!

Some ligamental issues, which really affect her chosen hobby significntly

You are both athletes like me and mrs rocket *cough*

When she's injured she never asks me about any run/ride and when I'm crocked I stay glued to Netflix when she comes in with a phone full of QOMs

When we're both crocked we only talk to the cat

When we're both ok we discuss training plans and how to save 0.3 seconds

I think another issue is that she's terrible at talking about things.
She freely admits her family (parents and siblings) were never there for her, so she's learnt to just 'keep it bottled up' and she admits that she feels everyone just disapoints her.
As such, it's as if she's waiting for me to disapoint. Which of course I invariably will (hey..I'm only human after all..) and then that simply confirms her fears about people.

I try to make time for us, but with 2 kids, a paucity of childminders, and the fact she frequently works into the evenings, our hours are limited at the best of times..

If you can’t do this, or nothing changes, you’re into the realms of either counselling or walking away.  With any partner you have to ask, is she / he enriching my life, or making it worse?  If the latter, why are you both together?  Do the pros outweigh the cons?

I think this..frequently..

DrP

Sheesh fella...you're not exactly filling us with hope for the future for you guys.

My first marriage involved me playing a lot of sport and her not!  I always argued that I played sport when I met her, so why would she expect it to change!  Besides, its good to have your own space in a marriage with your own interests and friends!  However, that marriage didn't last, despite me giving up 50% of them, when our child arrived.

Second marriage and its a different dynamic, in that she has her own stuff and doesn't worry about me doing what I want to do.  Now I think, I can't remember a proper argument in the last 15 years....some petty bickering, but nothing involving full on shouting at each other.  That makes me feel a bit fortunate!

I try to make time for us

Do or do not, there is no "try."

Seriously, I don't believe that you can't make time to spend an evening or a weekend doing something fun together, even if you have to schedule it weeks in advance.  That's not a partnership, that's existing together.  It doesn't have to be extravagant even - when was the last time you packed the kids off to bed and snuggled up on the couch with a bottle of fizz and a good movie?  When was the last time you brought her flowers home for no reason?  Come to that, when was the last time she did that for you?  (Note, this may backfire if the response is going to be "what's this for, what have you done?")

And +1 for the Google Calendar.  You can create a shared calendar you can both access, you can plan ahead and prevent double-bookings.  We adopted a policy of "if it's not in the calendar, it doesn't exist" and it worked really well.

She freely admits her family (parents and siblings) were never there for her, so she’s learnt to just ‘keep it bottled up’ and she admits that she feels everyone just disapoints her.

The fact she recognises it is a start.  This sounds like the sort of thing counselling / CBT might be able to help with, maybe?

This is a sad thread and agree with Cougar that a talking therapy is needed but has to be the right type.  Issues from childhood can stay with you, it may be tricky for her to open up so a therapist asking the right questions/able to draw out responses is imperative.  Doing nothing can not be an option.

P-Jay

Wives getting all agro because Husbands (it’s usually that way around) are spending time they could spend staring at their phones whilst the TV is on at the same time as them on other things is as old as marriage. That’s usually what it boils down to – ‘selfishness’."

This so much. Mine moans that I have loads of free time to enjoy myself while she doesn't but sits in front of the TV flicking through Facebonk on her phone.

Seriously, get some couples counselling! What's the worst that can happen.....

It's a very relatable situation. I think trying to keep any competitive sport going through the small child phase is tough.

You and I have raced in the same events over the last few years OP - although I prefer gears; ) - and with a toddler and soon to be newborn I guess I have an inkling of what you are trying to balance and I do find it a struggle.

The other half is really quite reasonable about me racing and riding this season, but it has been our single biggest cause of friction over the last 10 years. Similar to you, its been a case of her not having a comparable hobby / time commitment to something, but I did also take it too far in the past.

Things I did that were my fault included being obsessed with riding further away - Wales, FoD etc (we live in the south east) so riding would regularly involve a long day out almost every week. In my situation now, especially as a one car family, that would be too much. But it doesn't sound like you are doing this! I ride after kid bedtime (like you) but also get an afternoon at weekends, a luxury I think will stop with a newborn. So you don't sound like you are asking for too much, in comparison.

I also stopped racing XC and Brass Monkeys. I now have winter off and am only doing a few (five?) races this summer. Having the winter off seems to make my Spring / Summer commitments look more restrained and there's less perception I am constantly on the bike or training 🙂

I sat down with her in January and marked the events I wanted to do in the calendar, which we agreed before I paid for entries. I'm also with the folk who suggested that it's important to fight your corner on this, once you are confident that you aren't being unreasonable.

I likewise feel I could do a lot more and I really enjoy riding at the moment. I'm dealing with this by looking at it as a phase. While we have babies and young toddlers, I think I am doing well to keep riding, racing and enjoying it. In a few years time the pressure will reduce (maybe!) but I've seen so many friends quit the sport entirely when family arrives that maybe you should also be proud of what you are achieving and not beat yourself up about doing more / better, but that isn't a criticism.

You get tuesday evening for a ride then offer her wednesday evening for whatever she wants.

Cougar... RE "Seriously, I don’t believe that you can’t make time to spend an evening or a weekend doing something fun together, even if you have to schedule it weeks in advance.  That’s not a partnership, that’s existing together.  It doesn’t have to be extravagant even – when was the last time you packed the kids off to bed and snuggled up on the couch with a bottle of fizz and a good movie?"

I wholeheartedly agree with you on this... I love to chill and just hang out on the sofa also.. However, genuinely, in her eyes it feels that just 'hanging out at home' isn't doing something, thus doesn't count...
I dunno... clearly with 2 kids and busy jobs, we can't live life like we're students (Out boozing every evening, lying in till midday) but it seems what we CAN do isn't good enough....

Will try the counselling route..again..

DrP

My first marriage involved me playing a lot of sport and her not!  I always argued that I played sport when I met her, so why would she expect it to change!  Besides, its good to have your own space in a marriage with your own interests and friends!

The classic being men marry a woman and hope she stays the same, women marry a man hoping he will change 😉

It sounds like she's depressed.

If you want to sort things out, you need to drop your rides for a bit and listen to her.  Have a long heart to heart, don't arrange to go out, don't try and rush her into it, but try and be a bit more sympathetic to how she's feeling and what the root of this all is.

If she's still unwillng to try and break any ground, perhaps you need to talk about drawing a line under things as you're not working anymore, but don't make that a thing unless you're 100% commited to it being a thing, because otherwise it'll break the both of you.

Oh and be warned, she might have a hell of a lot to tell you that you might not want to hear, some of which might knock you for six.

There's a reason so many people "want a quiet life".  These situations are seldom an easy fix.

Best of luck

Hmmmm Pidge. Genuinely surprised at this. Maybe if coming on here, then might do to get some proper professional help, individually yourself or as a couple?

It sounds like she’s depressed.

Or she's just a bitch 🙂

Ride less?

Genuinely, how much time do yo spend cycling and fettling in a week? set some time aside for a date night or something.

I wholeheartedly agree with you on this… I love to chill and just hang out on the sofa also.. However, genuinely, in her eyes it feels that just ‘hanging out at home’ isn’t doing something, thus doesn’t count…

So how about something more interactive, then you're doing something rather than just "hanging out" together.  Board games maybe?  Modern board games are great, we've come a long way since Scrabble and Monotony.

You get tuesday evening for a ride then offer her wednesday evening for whatever she wants.

She actually fits in lots of her own things, now i think about it.. Ballet on a monday eve (which I rush back from work for, to allow her to go)..had her nails done today.. fits in a weekly massage... :-/

I'm getting bored of the sound of my own voice offering her evenings to do things, TBH... I think it all boils down to the fact she can't do the activities she REALLY wants to do, and resents me for being able to do mine. Perhaps?

DrP

P-Jay

Wives getting all agro because Husbands (it’s usually that way around) are spending time they could spend staring at their phones whilst the TV is on at the same time as them on other things is as old as marriage. That’s usually what it boils down to – ‘selfishness’.”

This so much. Mine moans that I have loads of free time to enjoy myself while she doesn’t but sits in front of the TV flicking through Facebonk on her phone.

Yep, I think we've so far managed to mostly dodge that bullet at home, it's not always easy - I think Mrs Jay would prefer I was home every evening to keep her company, but oddly some nights we barely talk, it's not we're arguing or anything, it's just there's not much to talk about and he's usually elbow deep in some 'goss' with her mates from work via Whatsapp or FB. I try to get out once a week for an evening ride or just to hang out with one of my mates for a bit. I'm happy to say she's becoming quite close to a couple of mates from work, well they don't work together now which if anything helps so she can do the same. Sometimes a man just wants to eat supermarket cooked chicken with his hands and shoot Nazis in the face on the Xbox.

One 'thing' I often have to try to handle at home is that for me, 'Fair' doesn't mean always mean 'Equal' or 'Same'.

I sometimes have these slightly odd conversations like she's been negotiating on my behalf with herself. She wanted to go to NYC last summer to see her Sister, I encouraged her to go, but at one point she said "well, you did go to Canada with your mates"  which I did years ago, 2010 or 11 I think. I don't think at any point I complained about her going, but it was like we'd pre-argued it and she'd successfully won on points.

set some time aside for a date night or something.

We did this for a bit, I think I over-did it slightly (its in my nature) I earmarked every Saturday night for a special meal, fancy wine etc, but sometimes life gets in the way I'd get argo if something got in the way.

Now it's sharing a few beers or wine which is, if anything nicer.

I am a truly awful person when I'm injured, IF I can't do any sport at all, i.e. I can't cycle or run or swim. I become completely unreasonable, ungrateful and can't enjoy anything. Fortunately (for my relationship) that's only been a couple of months in the past four years.

Is Mrs DrP not able to do any of her desired physical hobbies, long-term? Sounds like that's not quite the case if she can go to ballet, but it's a really ****** situation if so - and I could totally imagine behaving in the way you've described her as doing.

Not sure what the solution is if that's the case though 🙁

Maybe she doesn't like you very much anymore and maybe its mutual?

Difficult to overcome issues like those!

As an aside to the subject matter of this thread ..could I just point out that you don't have to be significantly overweight to be diabetic..it can be hereditary ..as in my case type 2 ..both parents ( one deceased ) are / were diabetic ..my brother who is of similar build is also type 2 ..while my sister who is paranoid about it does everything she can to combat it ..

Just saying ..😁

I know depression has been mentioned, but have you explored that? She may be mourning the loss of her activities/hobbies, and is expressing that as resentment towards you being able to do your activity.

My GF has run for her country, was passionate about running to the point that it was almost her raison d'etre. We even met through various running circles.

Then she was diagnosed with a condition that means she'll never run again. The sense of loss that I saw in my GF was akin to a bereavement and she fell into a very dark place for a period.

I tried no end of times to suggest to her things that she could try doing, when I just needed to be there and support her through the dark times.

[i]OwenP wrote:[/i]

It’s a very relatable situation.

A  lot of very relatable things on here - the resentment at me spending time doing my sports being a thing, but I discovered that when I did a lot less than I had before nothing changed, that was simply a symptom. The big things I can relate to though are her being terrible at talking about things - we went to counselling and she still wouldn't open up, we stopped doing counselling because she didn't want to do any more because it appeared there were things she simply won't talk about (TBH I should have known then that the end was inevitable). That and the lack of doing anything fun together - we didn't have any sort of going out "date" for years when kids were small, and probably not much in the way of staying in or any appreciation of any effort I made, which I think killed any hope there might have been. To come back to the original issue though, we've barely argued at all - partly because I go into conflict avoidance, but I don't think it's just that, as she's not good at communicating she just built up resentment.

Anyway, I'm  not sure how helpful my own issues are (though I think this thread has confirmed I'm doing the right thing - it's clear that spending time with her no longer enhances my life in any way). Though I'm feeling that there are a few obvious big red flag issues here - if you're not communicating properly and you're not having fun together then those really need fixing now whilst you still have the chance.

Can you post a MumsNet link to what she is saying about you please  🙂

The size of the chasm between perceptions sounds quite epic

I think it all boils down to the fact she can’t do the activities she REALLY wants to do, and resents me for being able to do mine. Perhaps?"

I'm going to say this 100%.  I'm an awful person when injured and if I was told I had to stop completely and permanently I'm sure I'd be a wreck.  We tie up a lot of our identity in activities. e.g Mountain Biker or Skier or Railway enthusiast that not being able to do it would cause huge issues.  Last year I broke my shoulder and then sweamrs went way (on a previously booked) to a mountain bike stage race.  I was never even going to do the race and had always planned to stay at home looking after sweajnr but all of a sudden I resented her having fun whilst I couldn't (despite the fact I was never going to do the race).

What did you do previously prior to kids / her injury?  Maybe you both need to start doing something different a bit of the time (possibly board games per Cougar) but possibly something active.  Ice skating? Tennis?  Is childcare really so tough you can't get one night a month/fortnight free?  If you're both equally novice at it then no worries about expectations etc.

Sweamrs and I are lucky we have same rough interests. Nothing says romance like a date night zwift once sweajnr is asleep.

We have our fair share, more lately and certainly more than I'd like — I don't buy any of that "an argument's good every now and then" BS.

It sounds like OP's other half is similar to mine in that she knows she wants to / ought to be doing something, but doesn't know what that "something" is. You get it in the neck because you know what your "something" is, and you're "being selfish" because you go out and do it whilst she stays at home not knowing what to do.

I gave up a career so that we could be together, and it has created a wedge between us that you don't notice most of the time; but mid-argument it becomes obvious. I had to stop a lot of the training I was doing so that I could work on an alternate career which fundamentally changed who I was.

A lot of our arguments are centered around the idea that "we're not being the people we want to be" and I suspect that it might be the same for you guys? If you feel like you're being held back from being truly competitive, you might have conveyed that, or even said it in an argument. That might cause her to feel guilty for holding you back, and in her mind stopping you from training makes you less likely to be competitive and therefore like she's not holding you back from anything special?

Also, my OH wants a similar situation to yours where I'm always at home, but not necessarily doing something together. Even being in a different room or working on my laptop is being "too distant", yet her FB & Instagram scrolling is perfectly acceptable whilst her crappy TV program is on in the background.

I called her out on it mid-argument once, and continue to remind her when she's ignoring me in favour of her phone. Calling her out on her double-standards and her behaviour that goes against what she says she wants has been a Good Thing for us; but it was a bit of a fraught road getting here.

I'd say the same as others have. It's all about communication. Even if it starts as an argument, try to talk over the same points later in a more reasoned manner. That way they become legitimate concerns and things you can work on/hold each other to, rather than just ammunition mid-argument.

Does she have any REAL friends? That she can go out and get pissed with / have a meal / go to a film? Just soemthing away from the home for a while? Everybody needs a pressure valve, Mrs B is noticeably more argumentative for no reason if she hasn't got out with the girls for a couple of weeks, or been unable to run for some reason. I'm probably exactly the same but don't acknowledge it.

I'm not sure I can help but I can certainly sympathise - your situation sounds shockingly similar (except the race winning bit!).

I average about a 2 hour local ride every 2-3 weeks and that is always resented as if mountain biking is another woman. Recently I didn't ride for 4 months; the first time back out got the same reaction even then.

It sounds to a man's brain like an easy problem to solve but it doesn't work like that. Give her lots of time to do what she wants to do and she doesn't use the opportunity "I didn't want to go for a bike ride" "I like just spending time with the kid(s)" etc. Response to a mountain bike ride might be "why don't you just go for a run for your exercise?" (I've never got any joy out of running, I mountain bike because I enjoy it, the fitness benefit is incidental).

I have never really reconciled myself with the idea that one person wouldn't get pleasure from their partner's happiness. To be quite honest the suggestion somewhere up there of depression or similar has long been my hunch but there are other issues too. Does she get what she wants from her job, or used to get from it pre-kids?

[i]jdumont7228 wrote:[/i]

We have our fair share, more lately and certainly more than I’d like — I don’t buy any of that “an argument’s good every now and then” BS.

It is if the alternative is never sorting out the issues and building up resentment, and provided you can settle your differences and make up afterwards (there's an obvious implication there, but it's not something I have any experience of, so I've no idea if it's a real thing...) rather than post argument turning into resentment.

Also, my OH wants a similar situation to yours where I’m always at home, but not necessarily doing something together. Even being in a different room or working on my laptop is being “too distant”, yet her FB & Instagram scrolling is perfectly acceptable whilst her crappy TV program is on in the background.

like looking in a mirror!!!

I guess this is one thing that bothers me! She can sit on the sofa, being 'mentally absent' doing work emails/social media etc (Aesthetic work is very social media based), but I'm not allowed to be physcially absent. Again, I wonder if it's because she claims it's works, so 'not fun'??

WIll try to ahve a chat about things tonight. Again, cheers for the input; both from those in a similar boat, and those with good suggestions x

DrP