[Closed] Divorce - is this normal behaviour?

She then proceeds to tell me how over the last 21 yrs there was never the spark she feels towards this guy, he drives a big car, has his own business, I was an embarrassment to her.

There's clearly no need for that, but little, I'd imagine, that you can do about it.

How long has the house been for sale? Is there any way you could buy her out? This is what my ex-wife and I did; we were selling the house to split the equity but the house wasn't shifting (this was 2008, when the market was dead), she'd found somewhere else, so in the end I bought her out for slightly less than we had the house on the market for. She took a slight hit on the amount she got, but it allowed us both to move on.

Got nothing useful to say but that does sound pretty sh*t. You have my sympathy.

Never ever move out till all finances are signed and sealed. She is free to go anytime she wants if she doesn't like it. With the way she seems to be acting the best option is total indifference, she is clearly trying to belittle and humiliate you to get you to leave. Don't!

I only left my house once everything was agreed and signed, we have a good relationship but there was no way I was leaving till everything was in black and white.

House has been on the market for 3 months, very little interest. I think it's overpriced but she won't budge on the asking price. I would love to buy her out but I just can't afford to.

get her rich new BF to buy you out, if he's as awesome as she says he is he'll step up. maybe mention it to her?

She then proceeds to tell me how over the last 21 yrs there was never the spark she feels towards this guy, he drives a big car, has his own business, I was an embarrassment to her. To be honest the ex loved her designer stuff, jewellery which I mostly funded.

Bang out of order, and pointless.

I'd bite my tongue till the house is sold. It might be 'normal' divorce bitterness, it might be an effort to manage you out of the house for reasons unknown.

Personally I think any relationship is ****ed when one party thinks it's the others job to give them all the material things they 'deserve'. Greed is a normal human emotion - I think we've all been in a position when we think all our dreams will come true when we get that house / car / salary / latest consumer good, only to find 2 weeks after you get it, you want the next thing. Couple that with the idea that it's someone else's job to provide it and you're in trouble.

I don't normally comment on these threads but, wow, that sounds like shit. I wish there was something I could say but I can't other than I hope things work out and you do get to move on sooner rather than later.

She's really telling HERSELF how amazing this new guy is to make HERSELF feel better about the breakup of HER marriage. She tells you so that she can believe it while hurting you - which is a win-win for her.

It's not really about you and you should try not to take it personaly. That's the difficult bit!

BUT it is a shitty situation and you should keep riding your bike and enjoying your life as much as possible.

Divorce – is this normal behaviour?

There's no such thing mate.
Different for everyone. Roll with the punches and come out the other side, relieved, happy and free 🙂 Let her go on with her bitterness and don't rise to it.

Rocketdog +1

And hope it's all sorted before the new fella's business goes pop and his big car gets repo-ed.

I wouldn't feel bad on hearing that kind of shit myself. Yeah he might have a big car, but I've got a motherflippin' VAN.

First of all, stick with it, it will be over soon. Whatever is happening now is only temporary and will pass. Hang onto that.

I've had some experience of this and my ex-wife did some very similar stuff during our divorce. Part of it may be to hurt you, part of it may be (as JAG says) to reinforce what she wants to feel.

I really cannot tress how important it is that you not take it personally. It will pass and you will not have to hear that again soon. Keep riding that bike, go for a run or two, swim, enjoy the outside. Exercise helps more than you think.

Tell her you faked all your orgasms (stolen from Naked Gun) 🙂

She’s really telling HERSELF how amazing this new guy is to make HERSELF feel better about the breakup of HER marriage. She tells you so that she can believe it while hurting you – which is a win-win for her.

It’s not really about you and you should try not to take it personaly.

100pc this.

She's not trying to convince you how ace the new guy is she's trying to convince herself of it. (Although I'm sure causing you a bit of pain is a fringe benefit from her POV.)

I'm not surprised she needs to reassure herself, he's clearly not willing/able to provide her with somewhere to live.

Ah, cheers guys. And before anyone asks she isn't called Louise.
The hardest part for me was during the Employment Tribunal. I got absolutely no support from her at all. She wasn't interested in discussing it or offering any support. When I had the week in court at the tribunal she disappeared to North Wales for the week.
I am sure during this time I was grumpy and my mind elsewhere but when I asked her why she didn't support me her answer was it was my problem and nothing to do with her.
Like you say once it's over that is it...

As for all she has said to you perhaps the best reply would be I never thought you were worth the effort. Problem is you can only use it once, indifference on the other hand is an inexhaustible source of pleasure to those who can wield it.

As for all she has said to you perhaps the best reply would be I never thought you were worth the effort.

Ha ha.

But de-escalation is the key here I think.

I imagine it's really shit if one party is up for a fight to have to bite your tongue, but amicable, even if it's one-sided has got to be better than the usual all out war of spite and bitterness so many divorces end up in.

Get your digs in after you get your money out I say 😉

I appreciate there's two sides to every story but,

Married for 21 years and she's found someone else inside of six months? Bull shit she has. I'd be tempted to tell her you're going to cite reason for divorce as "infidelity" and see how she likes them apples.

You're paying all the mortgage, she's getting 70% of the equity and she's the one dictating the house sale price? I think you need to get a lawyer to tell her to pack her bags and **** off, you're having your pants pulled down mate. Where's she going to go when the house is sold, why isn't she moving in with Billy Big Bollocks?

And, do NOT leave the house, unless you're happy for her to have 100% of it.

Suck it up. Dont rise, say nothing, be aloof and bite your tongue. DO NOT MOVE OUT. stay until its sold or she moves out.

Soon be over, just dont get dragged into her petty world.

re-read your entries and notice how you seem to be supporting her and how little she is giving back or supporting you. It reads like years of appeasement and now she isn't getting her own way she has thrown her dummy out.It's scary how much we all normalise difficult behaviour over the years .

You’re paying all the mortgage, she’s getting 70% of the equity and she’s the one dictating the house sale price? I think you need to get a lawyer to tell her to pack her bags and **** off

And watch what little you have left be swallowed in legal fees by lawyers who just want to up the anti.

I’m not surprised she needs to reassure herself, he’s clearly not willing/able to provide her with somewhere to live

Good point.
And if he is, you need to make sure there are no ongoing spousal maintenance payments.

you’re having your pants pulled down mate.

Not any more.

Sounds rough mate, echoing preceding comments, look to the horizon and don’t get drawn in to any bitterness.

Remember the phrase ‘act in haste and repent at leisure’, for you and your children’s sake.

Best wishes

she disappeared to North Wales for the week

I'm sure you've already joined the dots here.

Suck it up. Dont rise, say nothing, be aloof and bite your tongue. DO NOT MOVE OUT. stay until its sold or she moves out.

This. Dignity above all else. Be the grown up.

The things she is saying cry out to me of her justifying her decisions to herself, the decision to split up, the decision to hook up with some **** with a big car etc etc...

All it should be doing is telling you that you are on the correct course.

I am mindful that I need to try to keep the peace, esp as our daughter is in the house too. Plus I have never said anything hurtful to her and I would like to take that one thing away from all this, no matter how much she throws at me.
We have tried to keep the lawyers away, we have a mutual friend who is a retired family solicitor who has agreed to look at a financial agreement and prep it for a 3rd party to sign. So far its only cost me £550 for the divorce paperwork via the government website.
I am more mindful of trying to hold on to my pension which suits me better rather than the house equity.
Cheers for the replys guys, much appreciated.

It’s scary how much we all normalise difficult behaviour over the years .

If we didn't do that we'd all be getting divorced.

Sounds like you've already agreed splits and stuff. Presumably you're alright with that.

Given as you're paying all of the mortgage; I'd say that it's probably worth trying to draw a line for 70% of the equity as it stands, or you're effectively continuing to give her 70% of the capital repayments until such time as it sells.

Plus I have never said anything hurtful to her and I would like to take that one thing away from all this, no matter how much she throws at me.

It's a good attitude. When it happened to me I said to myself at the beginning that when it was all over I wanted to be able to feel proud of how I'd behaved through it all, it was the one thing that was totally in my control, an important thing to consider when nothing else is. Good luck.

I’d say that it’s probably worth trying to draw a line for 70% of the equity as it stands,

For that you have to agree how much the house is worth now, which will be difficult if the OP thinks it's currently overpriced and she doesn't.

For that you have to agree how much the house is worth now, which will be difficult if the OP thinks it’s currently overpriced and she doesn’t.

equity now = equity at time of sale - capital repayments in the intervening period

[edit]I guess there's other ways of cutting it to take into account a volatile asset, point being otherwise it's in her interest to delay the sale for as long as possible (it still is with the above, as it's effectively 70% of the "interest" you'd earn on the repayment)[/edit]

I do kind of understand the "DON'T MOVE OUT" statement for fear of losing everything...
I actually moved out because living with my wife was just killing me (mentally, and drinking too much to deal with her) and i was no good for my kids..

I moved out, am still paying half the mortgage, AND giving her near to a grand a month child maintenance, even though it's pretty much a 60/40 childcare split!!

My solicitor feels that as there's a tonne of equity in teh house, and we've BOTH got childcare responsibilities, that the courts would clearly agree with a house sale in order to allow us BOTH to provide for the kids...
Will it happen..watch this space!!

DrP

[Edit] No, that won't work [/Edit]

She just started a new relationship so everything is going to seem great.

wait until you start online dating and then you will see the true weirdness of peoples behaviours - and not just men...

What outofbreath said. She's trying to get you out because lover boy is married and stringing her along, no intention of putting a roof over her head. If he's such a catch and wedged up he'll be on Seeking (I would!) messing around with mid 20's gold diggers not mid 40's ones. Have a beer and start leaving the empties and your pants everywhere - live a little!

I'm confused. You pay the mortgage but she gets 70% of the equity? I hope you get a better lawyer.

Having been through a divorce the first thing I would say is get legal advice. An initial consultation would probably be free and some lawyers will offer a fixed fee divorce for approx £600. If you don't get legal advice it will probably cost more in the long run.

Things to note.
Courts don't apportion blame. It doesn't matter who's had an affair it doesn't make a difference to the financial settlement.

You've been married a long time so normally assets are split 50:50 but you have a child so things are split in favour of the primary carer. However once your daughter is an adult I would imagine things would split 50:50. So potentially you're giving away 20% equity for nothing.

Also you can be divorced but not reach a financial settlement. Without the settlement you're financially bound. Win the lottery? Give you ex wife half. Inherit money? Give your ex wife half.

You get the idea.

Now go and see a divorce lawyer. 🙂

Know a guy did same as you but his devorce solicitor didn't quite dot the tees and cross the iiis and she came back a couple of years later for a share of his pensions, it cost him another £10 grand to fight her off but she didn't get awt else. Make sure your legal chute is cast iron. Though she seems nice so probably wouldn't. "Not smiling,"

As been said, there is no normal. But really, as already posted:

Now go and see a divorce lawyer

Haven't read all replies but the one nugget I can give as someone who has never married is just be there for your daughter. That relationship can't change and she'll love you through this all. Hope it gets better for you. .

I’m confused. You pay the mortgage but she gets 70% of the equity? I hope you get a better lawyer.

I was thinking the same. How old is your daughter and who’s going to be the primary caregiver?

I understand where op financial agreement is coming from but could he stop paying mortgage till house is sold?

Once the house is sold it'll be me who will be primary carer. The EX will be going to live in North Wales whilst daughter stays with me whilst she finishes her A levels

Sorry. Could you?