tjagain
Full Member
childfree not childless bunnyhop 🙂
Oh Teej - stop being so pedantic.
we need to remember the difference between the childfree from choice and those who are childfree because they cannot conceive.
Absolutely. When there's something that we crave and for circumstances that are outside our control we can't have, we need to give ourselves time and space to grieve for what may have been.
Oh Teej – stop being so pedantic.
New here? 😁
I know what he means I think. "...less" potentially carries an implication that something is missing. If I described myself as "dogless" you'd probably think "why, what happened to it?" or "oh, when are you getting one then?" rather than just presume that I don't have a dog. I'm equally elephantless and MIG welderless.
I'm definitely fortuneless.
No kids for reasons. Tried IVF but not successful and pretty tough given there was a possible success which then wasn't.
It's a good life with the dogs but we both would have liked kids. Funny that our lives never seemed settled enough for adoption.
I enjoyed being the guy who does in causes chaos then skips home for a beer although that happens less and less now.
SIWK here (single income with kids) and great opinions from everyone so far. Mrs F has just started work for a charity as bank staff so we’re still pretty much single income. I love my two kids dearly but sometimes look at close friends without them with a degree of envy.
Have a job that I don’t particularly like and causes a lot of stress but pays well. No real qualifications, two young kids (five and nine), a mortgage and being in my mid forties is a combination that makes me feel very much trapped a lot of the time. This can impact how I am at home.
Not sure what I’m trying to say here really to be honest. Love my wife and kids but miss having time alone. Mrs F needs company whereas I genuinely like my own company and miss being able to do what I want when I want to some degree. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do OP.
As part of an Early 40's and 50's DINK couple all I can say is we're loving life. We said goodbye to our beloved lab last year which was really tough as she was our daughter basically but we're stronger and happier than ever. I suppose we're lucky in that we never wanted children and so naturally ended up making friends with a lot of other people without kids. We have great social lifes some of which we've built over the last 12 years of our relationship, great standard of living and go on loads of adventures and travel. Also have lots of time for our parents and step parents who are starting to get on now. When we scale back work we also plan on volunteering for fulfilment.
DINKWA(Cat) here. We tried for a kid for years with no results, IVF was looking like an option however Covid happened. Then we were the wrong side of 40, can't afford private so looking like its not gonna happen, I'd still love a kid but she's not as fussed so thats how it is I suppose.
We are friend with plenty of other DINK's though and the freedom to bugger off on the bike all day when I'm not working is nice.
This thread has made me stop and think for a bit I think it’s fair to say.
We’re dual income and dual kids, both born via IVF. When we entered into that process we made a deal with ourselves that if it didn’t come to pass within the 3 goes the NHS would give us, we would accept it and continue life as a child free couple. I count myself as fortunate that everything did go according to plan, and we never had to see if we would end up accepting the deal we made with ourselves.
Certainly there was a period of life when as someone else above posted, we’d be outwardly happy for friends with their post-12 week announcements and then there’d be tears at home later. And thinking on it further, I have no idea which of my friends are child free by choice, and which ones are not. Much like miscarriages it’s just not spoken about, which must make it much harder to have real conversations about it with friends who may be going through the same (or at least, adjacent) trying periods of life.
I suspect we only really get to find out how people wanted things to go (and by extension, whether their lives matched their expectations) much later on when every one is too old to change their minds.
I love my children don’t get me wrong, but they can’t be your everything. And they should have strong relationships with adults who are not their parents and it seems like many people here are fulfilling that vital role. It takes a village, as they say.
I’m equally elephantless and MIG welderless.
Have a man hug for such suffering. Though the food bill and poop-picking bags for an elephant would both be a bit big.
On balance I enjoyed my kids from about 6 years old, prior to that I did wonder what we had done. (Herself was as pleased as punch with the whole ride and that was important for me).
I now have some step-grandchildren who refer to me as grandad which is nice and they are settling down to the routine of visiting their daddy one weekend a month. Hopefully it will be more often once he's graduated, my daughter though a BPD sufferer insists that he maintains contact. (She along with her brother remain a source of pride when I see what they have achieved for themselves).
This reminds me of all the arguments about tyre sizes - all bollocks - all tyres are good if they do what you want, but others are different so don't be a dick about it.
Life is most often how you adapt, see things, and make the best of them. Kids included, (dare I say similar to dogs in many ways?), they come in all types, shapes, behaviours, good and challenging with rewards of mostly good and occasional less so days.
I'm DI 2xK WAD and enjoy the ups and downs, just like riding the bike (of any wheel size) and have mates of single, divorced, NK, with kids ebike, proper bike, and relish their company and perspective and if you don't? Change your friends.
I think the points above about it being harder organise with kids to plan is very valid.
James
DINK here through of combination of unable to plus a conscious choice. In our 50s now, and I echo lots of what has been said about investing tome and effort into your friends (with or without kids). What I would say is that not having kids does cut you out of a lot of casual social stuff that friendships can grow out of.
Simply because folks with kids always have that as a common su ject to start a casual conversation in the street.
If you don't have kids, folks will be less likely to strike up the conversation.
That can limit your circle of friends if you're not the type of person who socialises with strangers easily (to be clear, I'm very much in that camp).
My advice is to definitely invest that time and effort and try to utilise your job and hobbies to try and widen your circle of friends.
Folk with kids do come back around, but they will be posted mostly missing if you expect them to initiate stuff with you involved.
DINKWAD Here.
Middle to reasonable income, mortgage will be paid off when we're 47 (currently 43). We're off to America for 2 weeks in sep; decided to go last week. do whatever the hell we want, zero guilt/pressure. Planning to retire at 55.
But (and I make no apologies for this!) we've never wanted or even contemplated kids. We quickly got bored/sick of our friends child-centric lives/rants/stresses and let them to it. I do miss them, but not what they became. We're still in touch with a few, and look back at the others with nostalgia.
zero regrets, and we have the most spoiled dog in the world 🙂
<p style="text-align: left;">IVF - some practical advice for anyone thinking of going down that route:</p>
check your areas policy, they should offer 3 free tries if they follow NICE guidelines. however not all do (hampshire offered 1 to us). also there are age limits (hampshire 35 again not NICE) and you need to have been trying for a certain number of years naturally. so find this stuff out for your area if you are thinking about it (may have changed as it was 8yrs ago..)
wrote some other stuff..... decided against posting it on a public forum...
Probably repeating a few things but my 2p
Whatever you choose / is chosen for you, be happy with it. If it turns out that you aren't going to have them for whatever reason, don't be one of those bitter people / couples that moan about kids all the time. Sure, kids (especially other people's kids) are annoying, but I'd encourage you to the 'takes a village to bring up a child' mentality and maybe you'll be an uncle to someone's kids, even a not-by-blood one (but not the 70's type....). Or maybe you won't but they're going to be around you anyway and if you make a decision to hate and resent them, and your (ex) friends that have them, you're going to miss a lot of time with your friends too. And I believe it is a decision, that is in your control to make.
My experience was it took a long time to have our first and there were times when we didn't think it would happen. Now have two, 19 and 17. There are times when they are the best thing in the world and times when I wish i'd drowned them at birth. Sometimes these times follow closely one another. In the early years at least they can be all consuming and friends with kids go on about them all the time because it's most of what they do. It passes. As others have said, accepting their state as parents but also doing adult stuff with them is a godsend. We don't want it to be all consuming, help us out with that! And as they become young adults - well, one of them is one of my my gig-partners now (when she's not at Uni); the other has his challenges but that's where being a Dad really comes in - someone up there said they had the manual but had never actually done it. Well, I had the manual, I had even assembled one reasonably well, turns out they didn't write a manual for this version yet.
And if you do become or choose to become a DINK them also my advice is make the most of what it offers.
A Uni mate of mine - him and his wife wanted kids and it turned out they couldn't. They were gutted, toyed with adoption, chose against. He'd worked city jobs and she'd also worked hard and built up a pot that would enable her to give up work to raise these kids that now wasn't needed. Not having kids allowed them to adjust considerably - she went into teaching and the low salary because she could; he worked a few more years and then switched and now works for a charity. They're interested in their brothers and sisters kids, and their friends kids, and have been able to makes choices and do things in their lives and careers that they couldn't if they'd had kids.
These would not have been the cards they'd have chosen, but they've played them brilliantly, and that would be my advice. Whatever happens, make the most of it.
Thanks everyone, been really interesting to hear everyone's perspectives, thoughts and advice.
I feel ultimately we are happy in our decision to not pursue any other means of parenthood and accept/make the best of our situation/freedom, but still most of what you have all said around putting effort in with friends and making new ones is very much solid advice and has helped me see things from a perspective that I didn't have before, so thank you all for that.
Funny actually around something I said in a previous post about how having friends through hobbies feels inauthentic well, when I think back all of the friends that I've made that have been and gone or are friends still, particularly ones made before my wife was in the picture, were all made through common interests and hobbies so my own previous point is moot 😄
Been a pretty thought provoking discussion for me this and again, thanks for everyone's input, including those who are DINKS it's been nice to hear about your own paths
Dinkwad here.
More her choice than mine. I wasnt interested when i was younger now in my 40s I'm slightly wondering if it was the right decision. however I'm sure thats more a approaching middle age "crisis" and period of reflection.
I think more folk are not having kids to be honest. I can run a list of all my mates and its pretty much 50/50.
I always said if we where to do kids I'd rather adopt as theres plenty of kids out there that need help.
My only concern is who the F will look after me in my dotage. Ive a neice and nephew that ive named in my will so I'm hoping thats enough to bribe them....😄😄😄
No kids, never wanted them. Retired early 50's. Life couldn't be better.
DINKWAD here. Didnt want kids when I was married. Got divorced and met someone in 2015 who was ambivalent about wanting children.
Around 2018 we decided we would like kids. She fell pregnant fairly quickly and the scans showed we were expecting twins. Sadly she miscarried not long after, which was absolutely devastating for her. We tried for ages after but never managed to succeed.
She wanted to try fertility but I'm a pragmatist so the fact we were both over 40 meant the chances were <5% that it would work plus the looming thought of hitting retirment age with a teenager, we drew a line under it and moved on.
A Labrador puppy followed soon after and the missus is absolutely besotted with him.
Sometimes wonder "what if" but that notion is usually knocked out my head when I see some parents really struggling with their kids. Our neighbours are under 30 with three kids under 6, and to say it looks like hell on earth would be an understatement! Bedtimes sound like absolute warfare every night and I think the dad is on the verge of a breakdown. He was out in his car crying a few weeks back after the nightly debacle.
As this is a place where we are all sharing useful things to think aobut...
From the other side of the fence one of my best mates is no kids and I feel constantly guilty as I am hard to arrange day trips and weekends away.
One of my best mates is the only one without kids yet he is the hardest person to get comiited to a ride or a night out or a trip somewhere!
People with kids are happy, some are not happy. Some without are happy, some ar not. Some people with children live very free, spontaneous, seemingly exicting lifestyles. Some people without live what might externally appear to be a misery.
People, their lifestyles and their families, big small or non existent, dont fit into categories or silos, we truly are all different. Do what works for you, do the things that make you happy, make the effort to maintain friendships and relationships.