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Feeling very low again today. Fourth attempt at getting hand operated on tomorrow, which will no doubt be fun. :-/
Grum, that photo on the S&S thread. Go and look at it. Now.
Take your time.
Just focus on those feelings. The way that day, and that picture, makes you feel.
The sound. You can hear it, can't you? The pow under the edges, then the silence when you stopped.
That silence? Blissful, wasn't it. Box that bliss up and sprinkle it around every day.
Remember also - there's [s]a bunch of asshats you've never met[/s] a load of good folks here who've never met you and we are all, and I mean all, rooting for you.
Now, back to those edges slicing through the pow.....
For me, when I feel unwell it's all about riding it out. Like just holding on when the boat goes into a trough between the waves. For a while as I approach a crisis point the time in the dips gets longer and then as I start to recover, the troughs are shorter and less deep. Sometimes there is a blip and I can feel quite acutely low even as I recover.
I'm not sure where you are or even if it's similar for you, but hang in there. The seas will get smoother.
On the hand surgery front, it mght be worth seeing if they will do shoulder block for surgery. Will possibly leave you feeling less knocked about...
CFH. That is truly brilliant. *Sincerely doffs hat.*
[quote=jamj1974 ]For me, when I feel unwell it's all about riding it out. Like just holding on when the boat goes into a trough between the waves. For a while as I approach a crisis point the time in the dips gets longer and then as I start to recover, the troughs are shorter and less deep.
I think for me I've largely got to the point now where even when I'm in the deepest trough I know I will come out the other side and just have to hang on. As mentioned earlier it also helps knowing what helps get me through and having stuff in my diary which I know will help me recover so I just have to wait it out a few days if necessary. But then I'm currently feeling OK, so it's easy to write this - I'll try and remember to come on here when I'm next down and see how easy it feels then (TBH I tend to avoid threads like this when I am down as it doesn't tend to help me)!
For me, when I feel unwell it's all about riding it out. Like just holding on when the boat goes into a trough between the waves. For a while as I approach a crisis point the time in the dips gets longer and then as I start to recover, the troughs are shorter and less deep. Sometimes there is a blip and I can feel quite acutely low even as I recover.
That's very much my coping mechanism, my head starts to wander thinking about all the bad things and I get low, I have to concentrate and start thinking about things to look forward to/be thankful for and I can feel myself slowly rising back up just need to concentrate long enough.
Funkmasterp - your comment about being exhausted at the weekend from putting on a front all week suddenly struck a chord. Something I need to keep an eye on. Had the "but your not the type" conversation with a colleague last week. Same day I had the "so how bad is it at the moment" conversation with MrsMC. Anxiety and depression are bad enough without having to keep multiple personalities going as well!
Currently sat in a coffee shop trying to to summon up the motivation to go and face work. And I only do 24 hours a week.
I think many don't expect people who experience depression or any other mental health issue to be high-functioning. I have also been told that I don't seem the 'type'.
I think some of the issue come from a lack of understanding. However an additional observation is that most with depression or anxiety have been supremely strong up to a point and so have often been seen as resilient and as a 'coper'. I think many of us still probably present a face to the world that way and that is one of our 'masks'.
[quote=jamj1974 ]I think many don't expect people who experience depression or any other mental health issue to be high-functioning. I have also been told that I don't seem the 'type'.
It's funny really - I was kind of surprised when my counsellor said that I was high functioning, but then I do still get on with most of life (even if I'm really rubbish at some aspects of it and even the good bits sometimes feel like a struggle). The other thing, at least for me, is that a lot of my reluctance to reveal how I feel to others is the perception that if you're depressed you're incapable of doing anything and always miserable, and despite the world having moved on a bit there is still a lot of stigma. Yet clearly if they've not worked it out already that isn't really an issue - it's not as if it is all an act, I might not be the life and soul of the party, but genuinely am happy a lot of the time when I'm out with other people.
I think many don't expect people who experience depression or any other mental health issue to be high-functioning. I have also been told that I don't seem the 'type'.
A lot of truth in this - a lot of people can 'cope' and by cope I mean perform well at work, but be a mess when they get out. A big problem is these people tend to get pushed harder and harder by themselves, and others thinking they are some kind of cut above who can deal with anything in any quantity.
Couple off from our department at the moment, at least a couple more are borderline.
A big problem is these people tend to get pushed harder and harder by themselves, and others thinking they are some kind of cut above who can deal with anything in any quantity.
So damn true.
CFH - thank you, that was lovely. Find it quite hard to imagine ever doing stuff like that again when I feel like this but definitely helped.
Hand pinned and plated now - feels like its gripped in a vice and hurts like hell. At least it's mending now though.
Well, looks like it's my turn.
Had a bit of a breakdown.
Two weeks off and due to go back to work today.
Didn't make it.
Massive row with my wife which has resulted in me admitting I need help.
Off to the quacks as soon as I can get an appointment, for something, anything.
In a very bad place right now.
Feel utterly worthless.
Less than that.
Despite everyone telling me they love me, I just can't see why they bother.
Not planning on hurting myself or anyone else, but it would be quite nice not to be here today.
Just reread all this and it really helps.
Sorry.
Sorry hear that rusty - im in tge same place, even row with wife ( mine not yours 🙂 ) go quacks and be honest about how are and don't dismiss meds if offered as they help sometimes but discuss all options.
Does work offer any support/ counselling? Ive started some with work but their tight so will need self fund some soon 🙁 I spent last weekend with the worthlessness feeling too but ok this week - suppose just trying point out it does/ can feel better and talking my doc helped a lot.
Thanks for your reply.
Local council are excellent.
My wife is currently using them for exactly the same thing.
I've been so focussed on her getting better I had no idea I was this bad.
Sorry.
Sorry
What for? Don't be!
You sound mirror of me - we've had tough 18 month with bereavements/ failed ivf/ miscarriages and focused so much on others forgot about self. Way I put it is I've run out of cope and need the support now, which is fine.
Time let self be looked after and come first for a while. I'm reading book called Depressive illness - curse of the strong. It's helping put perspective on it for me.
And Yeah, why Sorry? There's nothing wrong with needing help.
Thanks so much for your responses.
I'm supposed to be the strong one.
Always have been.
I help people, it's what I do.
I think that's come back to bite me.
If I don't go to work, I can't contribute financially.
I just don't think I can face that and I'm really scared.
Am about to give my boss a call,.god knows what I'm going to say.
Nobody is supposed be the strong one - seriously have a look at the book I mentioned above, is good.
Depends how supportive work are but mental illness is nothing to hide and I'm always amazed how supportive friends/ colleagues are - and I should know better as I'm a specialist occupational health nurse! :). I'd be open and tell them as easier in long run.
Care Worker.
🙂
Probably time for a new job.
I'm caring for people at work and have been doing the same at home.
Time for something less stressful, let's face it, wherever I end up the money can't be any worse.
But I'm 48 and don't know how to do anything else anymore.
I dont think i know a healthcare worker not looking for a way out, especially at the moment 🙂 The lottery must make millions off the hopeful care staff!Even though this is first I've contributed to this thread despite what put above, reading it all has been a great support.
I think it is easy forget/ dismiss how much emotionally is given in the line of work you do and then reserves for self get depleted, especially if caring outside work too - take time for self and recover. Go 'soul biking' as a mate of mine described a solo bivvy I went on recently -was perfect description. Must trademark that as the next niche 🙂
Thank you.
In a very bad place right now.
Feel utterly worthless.
Less than that.
I've felt like this in the past. I had to leave a job a few years back, as I was spiraling downwards, mainly bought on by the pressure of keeping the job and being able to feed the family.
Mostly when I've felt like that, I've been able to step back and think about the fact I've managed to keep a roof over everyone's head, think about the fact I have some decent friends, and seem to get on well with people, and just generally try to focus on the positive points of my life. Of course, this is very difficult when you're so low, but trying to take stock might help you turn up again.
Apologies if the above sounds a bit preachy, but it has helped me in the past, so I thought I'd pass it on.
I'm supposed to be the strong one.
Always have been.
I help people, it's what I do.
I think that's come back to bite me.
I think that's the same for many who have posted. So don't feel stupid or sorry. You've done amazingly to cope for this long.
If I don't go to work, I can't contribute financially.
I just don't think I can face that and I'm really scared.
That to my knowledge is common too and certainly my experience. A decent employer will give you support until you recover. Whilst I know there is a lot of pressure for care workers now - believe me, with some rest, recuperation and intervention, you will be able to cope again and this will mean you will be able to provide. I know you are scared now, but when you have recovered some strength and resilience - work will be bearable.
. Tell them you are having a hard time. Tell them you are getting help but need some breathing space.Am about to give my boss a call,.god knows what I'm going to say.
Good luck. PM me if you want to talk.
Thanks everyone.
Whilst I know there is a lot of pressure for care workers now - believe me, with some rest, recuperation and intervention, you will be able to cope again
To compensate for the minimum wage increase, they've found another way to screw us by nearly £1000 a year.
That's nearly a tenth of my wage.
They see us a disposable and our years of experience mean nothing.
It's horrible.
I know that when I go back they will have found another way to make what was the best place I've ever worked, a wonderful, happy place into a living hell.
Currently just rereading this thread.
It really helps.
In a very bad place right now.
You are, I am sure. However, it will pass - believe me. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it will.
Feel utterly worthless.
Less than that.
Well, that isn't true. That's your perception right now, but it's twisted and inaccurate. You are definitely worthy.
Despite everyone telling me they love me, I just can't see why they bother.
Because they have a more accurate view of the value you bring and your true worth. You view isn't to be trusted right now.
Not planning on hurting myself or anyone else,
Good. Hang in one day at a time.
But it would be quite nice not to be here today.
Take some steps to get help then hide under a duvet, lie in the sun or try and sleep. Give up today as a bad job and get to tomorrow and see what that brings.
To compensate for the minimum wage increase, they've found another way to screw us by nearly £1000 a year.
That's nearly a tenth of my wage.
They see us a disposable and our years of experience mean nothing.
It's horrible.
I can totally understand that. That's a shitty thing to happen. I meant, you will be able to do your job well again and to cope with it.
Despite everyone telling me they love me, I just can't see why they bother.Because they have a more accurate view of the value you bring and your true worth. You view isn't to be trusted right now.
What I was trying to say but said much more eloquently than my ramblings.
#prayforrusty......For real this time. Chin up fella. It'll get better now that you've taken that step to get help.
It'll be all power kites soon enough.
Cheers fella.
It's my sodding birthday tomorrow, you never know what might turn up.
🙂
If I don't go to work, I can't contribute financially.
You are worth far more than just what you contribute financially, and if you are a health care worker, you have already done vastly more than your fair share as far as contributing to society is concerned. Time for you to put yourself first.
To compensate for the minimum wage increase, they've found another way to screw us by nearly £1000 a year.
That's nearly a tenth of my wage.
They see us a disposable and our years of experience mean nothing.
Can you survive financially if you quit, at least for long enough to recover and find something else? If you can, then seriously consider quitting. You do not owe your employer or even the patients anything, especially not when it is at the expense of your own well being and health. Being treated so badly by your employer is itself bad for your self-esteem and your mental health if you accept it, and I would urge you to remove yourself from that situation as soon as you can. I hope you feel better soon and that things improve for you.
Thank you.
I HATE quitting.
I've only ever quit one job, after my mum died and I felt a bit like I do now, but nowhere near as bad.
I'd like to become an NVQ assessor but I just can't face the stress of jobseeking and haven't been able to for a while.
I'm good at my job and capable of much more, I know I am, but seeing it and being able to do something about it are two very different thing.
In some ways I feel very institutionised and I suppose, burnt out.
Have a line from Springsteen running through my head:
'End up like a dog that's been beat too much, 'till you spend half your life just covering up...'
I can't cope with being that person anymore.
And I usually can't stand Springsteen either!
Well I'm off to the doctor's today for some meds, been off them a while but starting to feel like things are getting on top of me again so trying to sort it out before things get too bad.
I'm currently on a "break" (unpaid) from work now I'm looking after the kids full time so need to make sure I stay fully functioning for them, I feel positive that I am taking action at this point in the past I probably would have let it get quite a bit worse before seeking help.
Rusty and Wiggles - hope you both start feeling better in the near future. I must admit I take comfort in the fact that discussing mental health issues is now s lot easier than it used to be. Everybody at work assumes I'm a confident, Teflon coated individual. It's difficult when you know their image of you is so far removed from the truth.
I'm good at my job and capable of much more, I know I am, but seeing it and being able to do something about it are two very different thing.
I know that feeling. On good days I think I should retrain, do something I genuinely care about and push myself mentally. The bad days stop me from doing so. Thoughts of failure or what's the point win out all too often
This thread has made me realise I'm not alone and seems to have been a positive thing for a few of us. Thanks for starting it Grum, albeit under difficult circumstances.
Agreed.
Thanks Grum.
Just had a conversation with a good mate from work and feel a bit better.
I can book today, tomorrow and Sunday as annual leave, which will give me a couple of hundred quid at least.
Take if from there when I can see the quack.
I should clearly get suicidal more often!
Really pleased this has opened up some good discussion for other people. Rusty and wiggles (and everyone else) I'm sorry to hear you've had some struggles. I'm rooting for ya.
Defo need a STW miserable ****s ride some day.
I'm on meds now (sertraline) and seeing a therapist regularly. Also my hand seems to be healing pretty quick after the op and my new splint thingy is much less restrictive which is good news for my work. Feels like there is light at the end of the tunnel which it hasn't really for a while.
Glad to here things are looking up Grum 🙂
Today (somewhat selfishly I suppose) I spoke to a homeless man in town who was telling me about him self and that he hadn't eaten anything in ages, I gave him my change so he could go get something but it really puts your own problems in perspective.
Nice one wiggles. I find on my better days stuff like that does put things into perspective.
On my worse days I kind of struggle to empathise but tell myself that I should have a bettter sense of perspective, and then beat myself up about it.
I had a shit day yesterday. Got to work and wanted to do nothing other than walk out, run away and hide from the world. Worst I've been for months, but the meds and help I've had mean I no longer see it as "me" failing.
Today was much better, totally different.
It will come around for you other guys as well, with time and support.
But I do need to find a job I don't despise 😉
Glad you've had a better day MCTD. Having a job you hate can definitely sap your enjoyment from life. I like my job a lot but there are some issues with it too. Would quite like to work as part of a team more often - can be a bit lonely sometimes.
Glad to see a lot of people feeling better, been to see the doc he was really good gave me my meds but also helped out with some other stuff seemed to genuinely care unlike others I've seen who have basically just said "have some drugs for that"
I was very surprised how much time and care my GP took with me when I first went to see her, sorted a MH referral and accepted that I didn't want meds initially due to side effects - I'm fat enough getting up hills without any medically assisted weight gain. When I did agree I needed meds she sorted me a low dose of one least likely to do any damage and it is just enough.
Turns out she rides a Cervelo R3 - apparently she can't get one for me on prescription....
Might sound ridiculous, but in the light of the support, care and goodwill in this thread, this is perhaps the best/funniest thing I've read on here for ages...
I should clearly get suicidal more often!
🙂
Now, let's keep talking....
If you must listen to Springsteen, Rusty, then stop at Born to Run and play Thunder Road.
I don't have a problem with quitting. It's an inevitable part of moving on. I've had low-paid jobs, very well paid jobs, a successful business, but I'd still be in a lab in a paint factory if I hadn't quit my first proper job - or dead given the health risk of the solvent fumes we worked in.
You just keep talking...
Today I've managed to clean out about a tenth of the garage, with breakdown breaks.
🙂
Plan on rewatching Dr Who from now until I fall asleep.
Give it an hour.......
Edukator - Reformed Troll
If you must listen to Springsteen, Rusty, then stop at Born to Run and play Thunder Road.
No Springsteen for me at the mo.
Might try and drift off to some light, boring, familiar classical later.
Something tedious and German, probably.