Forum menu
I guess you do a bit of racing?
Perhaps get rid of the speedo/garmin/strava/whatever you use. It's antoher thing that your mind will mince over afterwards. Instead of an endorphin rush, you'll be feeling down in the dumps that you got a poor average speed.
I don't bother with any of those devices, it's another thing to piss about with before riding, another distraction that may lead to me not even bothering at all. Sometimes it's hard enough just to put my shoes on!
I didn't race this year, but hope to race in the Irish Enduro series next year, funds and fitness permitting. I do question whether I should be competing at all.
A lot of the time I don't even get close to getting changed into my cycling gear...
Just thought I'd come on and have a bit of a moan about people's perceptions about depression.
I was diagnosed as bipolar about 3 years ago. It started sometime round about my late teens early twenties. I then spent most of my twenties trying to improve my situation as I felt if I could just get myself into this job or live in that city then I would be happy and no longer suffer bouts of depression. When I wasn't depressed I would have periods of being very productive and focused and I was able to achieve whatever I set out to do.
Things started to spiral in my late twenties though when I realised that I had exhausted everything I could think of and I was 'living my dream'. I knew my situation could not get any better. The only exception was my relationship situation. I found it difficult to get a girlfriend because, I now realise, I was looking for someone to save me and the desperation vibes I was giving off were not my most attractive characteristic. When I did find myself going out with someone I would always dump them because they hadn't magically cured my depression. I realise all this now in hindsight.
Things spiraled and I found myself almost permanently depressed. My work was suffering and my friends were really really worried. I would swing between anger and inconsolable depression with occasional periods where I was positive and euphoric because I had figured out a foolproof way of curing my depression.
Eventually my friends managed to drag me to the doctor's. The reason I was so resistant was rooted in my first experience of seeing a doctor about my problem. When I was about 23 I was starting to realise something wasn't quite right with me. I went to the doctor and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was actually in a bout of depression at the time and I had to deal with about half an hour of being berated and humiliated (and being told I had an alcohol problem). Since I was in a state of depression at the time I just accepted it instead of telling her to go **** herself and demanded another doctor as I should and would have had I been in my normal state of mind. Once I shook off that bout of depression I vowed never to see a doctor about it again and figure things out for myself.
I found myself spending most of my time trying to figure out the best way to kill myself. I eventually decided on going out on my bike and wait until a driver was tailgating me. I would then 'fall off' the bike and let the car drive over me. I figured that was best since my family and friends would not think I had killed myself and I would get my own back on a arsehole driver. I'm telling this part just to give you an idea of my state of mind at the time.
Anyway, as I said, my friends dragged me to the doctor's and I agreed since I didn't have the energy to resist. My experience this time couldn't have been better. He was incredibly kind and understanding. After consulting with a psychiatrist it was decided that I should try Lamictal. Over the next four months my condition improved to the point that I was almost normal. I was still suffering bouts of anger and depression but they were much less severe and I could cope.
Anyway, this next part is the moan that I wanted to have. My first child was born recently (once I lost my air of desperation I became much more attractive) and I didn't want my son to grow up putting up with my depressed periods.
So I went back to my doctor and then to a psychiatrist. After a blood test it was found that the levels of Lamictal in my blood were still a bit low and we should increase the dose.
When I told my friends this there was all kinds of resistance to the idea. I was getting all kinds of advice, mostly based around talking instead of medication. This annoyed me because if I had diabetes I doubt anyone would feel the need to advise me on what the best course of action would be.
My problem is a chemical imbalance in my brain, not a reaction to some kind of trauma. There's not really that much to talk about. The medication I take is working and has no side effects. What makes people think they are qualified to offer medical advice.
Just as an aside, the last time I went for a medical for a job I told the doctor that I was taking Lamictal for bipolar. His reaction?
"Oh for God's Sake!"
There are still plenty of complete arsehole arrogant ****s who wear white coats out there. My advice is to spend a bit of time and find someone who isn't a complete ****.
Edit: Just add something to depression after riding; I always found that when I was depressed going out on my bike helped while I was actually out probably because I was using a different part of my brain.
However, when I got home my depression was worse than ever. It was as if all the emotions that had been kept at bay while I was out come flooding back all at once and I felt much worse than if I had just stayed in.
Hi BruceWee.
I agree to what you're saying to a point. I don't have much faith in my GP. I'm putting myself in the hands of the counsellor.
You mention a few things you have brushed over. The alcohol for example. Was it a problem?
Over the last couple of months I've had an assessment followed by six cbt sessions with a counselor then moved to group sessions, last night was the second meeting. I kinda get what they're on about but still find it very difficult to put into practice.
Please get referred to your community mental health team.
Get a Social Worker, Mental health Nurse and most important Psychiatrist.
A GP will give you pills and say come back next month. You will waste so much time with this.
Once these are in place can you start counselling. I know from grim experience how difficult it can be.
Hi again Iolo. This CBT is coming from the mental health team. It has taken a long time to get here to be honest.
Good Luck. I hope everything will turn out right for you.
You mention a few things you have brushed over. The alcohol for example. Was it a problem?
No. At the time I was doing a lot of karate competitions. In the run up to a big tournament I would stay off drink for 3 months beforehand.
When I wasn't in training I would drink as most relatively sporty 20 year olds do. I made the mistake of telling the stupid cow that I had been out the previous weekend and had 8 beers. This constitutes an alcohol problem apparently.
There are GPs who are alright out there, it just seems to me that they're few and far between. But then I could just be unlucky.
There are GPs who are alright out there, it just seems to me that they're few and far between.
I would agree with this. But we could widen that to say
There are people who are alright out there, it just seems to me that they're few and far between.
Bruce, on the medication front, I've been prescribed tablets for my CBT and they have made a huge difference, and I'm absolutely comfortable that I will be taking them (or something new) for the rest of my life.
It is true, some GPs are a disgrace. My mum has recently finally been diagnosed with Alzheimers. Her first GP visit the GP said she was fine, just normal signs of aging. My mum can't even get a single sentence out without using a completely wrong word, and she's educated to degree standard! Got a second opinion and put my foot down hard.
In contrast I'm lucky in that my GP (and indeed the whole surgery) is everything one could ask for and more, as were our local Mental Health services.
A late arrival to the thread. It's great too see people being open and supportive with each other.
I'm another one with the t-shirt, as is Mrs North. In fact, that's how i came to change names on here (to this one) several years ago: to get advice for her.
I found the pills useful and fairly mild, with CBT not being the answer, but definitely unlocking my ability to challenge the way I think. Or, more accurately, allowed me to return to considered thinking. I now pretty much do CBT to myself on a permanent basis - current reading is Steve Peters's Chimp Paradox.
Mrs North found pills less good - first lot (Seroxat) made her violently ill, which worsened her situation. Second set (Citalopram) was much better, and gave her the space to tackle her depression and burn out. Her CBT was, for her, life changing: her therapist did far more than CBT, using various other techniques, which effectively amounted to life coaching.
I know several people with mental health issues, from depression, through bipolar to full on psychosis. All are affected by ongoing stigma (though things have really improved IMO in the last few years).
+1
I have contributed earlier in the thread but have had a recent relapse. Went back to my GP and she's put me back on Citalopram for a minimum of 2 years. She's also referred me to a therapist for CBT as she's concerned about my symptoms / behaviour.
I've been back on the Citalopram for a month now and am starting to feel the benefits. I can concentrate again abd am less anxious.
healing vibes to all.
A few thoughts for this thread:
1) SSRI's never cured it, they masked it. For me anyway, for others they help the curse to go into remission.
2) CBT never helped, I never felt that the other person (the shrink) I spoke to was truly interested.
3) Remembering the quote from M*A*S*H "Anger turned inward is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye." helped. One day I just woke up, looked in the mirror and kind of had an epiphany. The depression was a result of where I'd been and where I was right now, it's a natural reaction to something not being right. So firstly, I came to accept who I was and where I'd come from. Secondly, I purged everything out of my life that I didn't deem acceptable. People mostly, as soon as I stopped giving a **** it just kind of faded away. Time is healer, remove yourself from the situation physically and emotionally then revisit it a little bit at a time until your negative reaction to the situation becomes dulled - same principles apply to PTSD treatment.
It did make me a bit of a cold bastard though, funnily enough it corresponded to a letting go of fear in other aspects of my life as well including mountain biking. It's a game guys, try not to be too hard on yourselves.
Tom
Those are wise words thanks for sharing your experiences!
I am regrettably late to this thread and will read it throughly latter today. From what I have quickly scanned through I must commend you all for talking openly about it and getting the necessary help. Tomorrow I and two other close mates will be carrying our dear friend on his final journey after he silently battled with depression. The four of us were close and helped one and other through the good times and the bad. But Babs never told anyone and foolishly kept it to himself. I only wish we were made aware of his condition sooner. He was a life long cyclist and even now writing this I feel terribly sad that we won't be riding together again. Some of you in the Gloucester area maybe aware of his passing. Babs was one of the founder members of The Bigfoof club. Apologies for the slight ramble.
I can't remember if I have contributed to this thread before, but I have recurrent depression interspersed with periods of feeling fine. I had CBT several years ago, but I didn't warm to the person giving it and didn't think it would help, however a couple of years later I unexpectedly found myself using the CBT techniques I'd learned!
I'm actually feeling pretty awful at the moment. I suspect it could be partly a seasonal thing with me. I had dreadful pmt for 9 days followed by 3 days of severe migraine and it's left me completely drained and depressed. I'm off work today as my brain is all fogged up.
So firstly, I came to accept who I was and where I'd come from.
This. For me. It was the biggest help.
Sad story Marin No8, but I think public awareness is increasing, so hopefully 'talking about it' will become easier for many.
If it's any consolation vickypea, I'm having a fairly low period right now. Feelings of worthlessness and pointlessness, the continuing saga of trying to find paid employment, the ever present money worries, and the negative effect my low periods have on the household, and the bad atmosphere that results because of his. My partner should get a medal!
At least I do take some comfort from knowing others are fighting their own little battles too, so perhaps you can take some comfort from mine.
Group cyber-hug.
vicypea - seasonal thing striking a chord with me too
this thread very useful - the insular horridly dark thought processing very familiar currently. I have tried pills and CBT but it comes back
think sometimes you have to get used to the fact that cyclical brain mentalness is what you have been granted
Well things have taken a bad turn, a u-turn almost. Last night I decided that it time to stay with my parents for a few days whilst I try and gather my thoughts on my relationship with my partner. It came about because I faced a couple of fears. She wants to buy a house, get married, and start a family with the next couple of years. Whilst I believe those things may happen to me with her, I cannot guarantee that I can any of those things in that time frame with my current state of mind. She can't hang around any longer, and I don't blame her. I explained how I felt and I believe this is the beginning of the end unless something exceptional happens very soon.
The hardest thing in the world is letting someone go because you can't give them what they want. I know I'm a failure, and this is just nailing it to the wall.
Colin, theres no guarantees in life and giving yourself a hard time isnt going to help you sort things out either 🙁
Its not easy but try and take things one step at a time and work through one issue at a time. Focusing and learning the triggers which make you feel better/worse is one step and trying to make the most of that.
With these fears are they things which you want to do but are scared that you may not be able to do them, or that you feel you should do these things to make someone you love happy?
I know I'm a failure...
Yes, a thought I used to have a lot. However, during my therapy it was pointed out that I was only failure by my standards, standards that were set by me, and therefore could be changed. Who says you're a failure? Others? Or you? If it's you, what do you know about anything? 😉
If you had cancer would you still think you were a failure?
Would actually want to buy a house and have a family with this girl if you were not sick?
I know the negative thoughts eat at you like a hungry lion but I assure you things will get better.
I know many who have come from where you are and became much better.
http://www.mind.org.uk/help/mind_in_your_area
click on I need urgent help if you're struggling
Those fears are a mix of both. Mostly that I couldn't cope with being a father and that I wouldn't be a very good one at that. For the mortgage it's a case of already having 30% of my wage taken up by 1 loan payment which is a considerable amount. We rent a place together, so not much free money to save, well for me anyway. My partner has savings of her own. Basically she is ready for the next big step, I'm not.
She is broken at the minute and really doesn't know what to do and frankly it's all my fault. When I've been good I have talked positively about these things, but my mood has been low for a prolonged period of time now that I have just succumbed to my negative way of thinking.
When you buy it will only get worse unless you are better.
If you have a massive breakdown and cannot work the mortgage will not be paid.
Then what will she do?
She should understand this.
That was pretty much my point. I want to be on the road to recovery and in control of my life before I commit to something like that. I just get the feeling that the time is up for her now.
Always do what's best for you. If she cant see how bad things are I think you're right.
If she loves you she'll understand. She'll wait.
But don't hate her if she puts her happiness first, that's a basic human survival instinct.
I'll not blame her at all. This is my doing, so I can't do that.
Col I appreciate the confusion and darkness you are going through at the moment, do you have any riding buddies that will not try and beat you on the trails but instead just have a bit of Craic and banter and from that build a bit of empathy.
Not to be patronising but on the strength of the threads you post you appear a good guy and don't deserve the pain you feel.
Thanks. When I'm at my worst I feel like I deserve it and that I should be low and feeling worthless and hopeless.
Well things have taken a bad turn, a u-turn almost. Last night I decided that it time to stay with my parents for a few days whilst I try and gather my thoughts on my relationship with my partner. It came about because I faced a couple of fears. She wants to buy a house, get married, and start a family with the next couple of years. Whilst I believe those things may happen to me with her, I cannot guarantee that I can any of those things in that time frame with my current state of mind. She can't hang around any longer, and I don't blame her. I explained how I felt and I believe this is the beginning of the end unless something exceptional happens very soon.The hardest thing in the world is letting someone go because you can't give them what they want. I know I'm a failure, and this is just nailing it to the wall.
What's been the primary reason why you've been down Colin, or does it seem generalized? Why be scared by the mortgage, at the end of the day you may or may not make a good father or be able to pay the mortgage. But what's the worst that can happen, life goes on after this - the rewards are worth the risk.
It sounds to me like (and I don't mean to be offensive) obsessive anxiety is wrecking your life more than depression.
No one should be that hard on themselves matey.
EDIT: Colin, I'm going to send you an email tomorrow. I've got a few personal stories that you could relate to.
Wonderful thread. I'm sure most people who read it have abolutely no idea, which, unfortunately is how it is in the real world. Try explaining to your manager truthfully why you couldn't even summon the energy or will to pick up the phone to actually talk to a real life person, when anything outside of your duvet is a nightmare waiting to happen, even more of a nightmare than what is happening under the duvet in your head. I have these problems off and on, I'm certain not as bad as a lot of people, but bad enough to be able to empathise. The self-esteem thing, the continuous voice in your head that keeps saying no you can't do that, nope you're not good enough, all the ****in no's that deny you and negative spiral when it comes is just ****in rubbish and just drags you down into a black hole of anxiety and panic and meaninglessness etc. Being sel critical is a good thing and can push you to make great things, but this is like a hyper version of that that is so negative and self-destructive. it's a ****in battle when it get's like that and no denying it. Just battle on. Sometimes it is so hard to see yourself from the right perspective.When you get that "rigt" self-perspective back you have to cherish it and feed it properly with exercise, family, good friends, all the good stuff I reckon. "mindfullness" has been reccommended to me by mates, and daft stuff like swimming, meditation, etc, to get head in right place. and I think all that is right. as I never feel happierthan when "escaping" up a mountain or out on bike etc. I guess you have to find ways of coping that are positive, rather than negative like booze or something. anyway, that's my ramble 🙂 x
Thanks Tom, I'd appreciate that.
Still staying at my parents. Have had a few texts back and forth from my partner and to be honest it isn't sounding hopeful. I have told her thoughts, much more rational than over the last few days, I am trying to be very positive about it and I think it can be fixed, but it seems like it just too much for her. She has told me she doesn't know me anymore and that it feels to her that the relationship is broken.
The depression voice is telling me that it could be the final nail in the coffin for me.
I'm certain not as bad as a lot of people...
We'll there is no universal scale of mental or physical pain. If you're hurting a 10, it's a 10. Someone else's pain you might rate at a 10 might only be a 6 for them. Conversely someone else's pain you'd ignore might be their 10.
Don't play down or trivialise your own suffering. 😉
Well, it has been an eventful few days. After spending 3 nights with my parents I cam home on Friday evening. We thrashed out all the issues and have decided upon a plan of action. Our lease on the rented house is up at the end of November and we have decided to end that and move back with our parents. We are staying together. This will allow us to save and give us space. I can get the space to work on the CBT and get myself better. So, positive? Well, almost. I still think in the back of her mind this is the beginning of the end but she is sure that it isn't. Also, my dad isn't too happy about me moving back home. We don't get on at the best of times, so I hope things will go smoothly. It's only going to be 6-8 months, so not such a long time.
Does it all sound like a sensible plan?
Yes. A forward looking and constructive one.
St Colin
Yes sounds like a good plan to me. keep it up mate, maybe your dad could attend a couple of CBT sessions to help him understand a bit more how you feel
Hope it works for you, at the very least you have come up with a plan
Yea, it is positive in a sense. My dad is old school and he doesn't talk about anything like that. Still, we have football in common and my brother (and his son) and I are planning to take him the the Emirates stadium in January. Perhaps there will be opportunity to get to build our relationship, who knows. Both my parents admit to knowing very little about depression and dont understand what I'm going through.
At what point do you cross over from thinking your life's shit (at least part of the time) to clinical depression? Is actual depression when you can't function properly due to it?
What is Depression
The word 'depression' is used to describe everyday feelings of low mood which can affect us all from time to time. Feeling sad or fed up is a normal reaction to experiences that are upsetting, stressful or difficult; those feelings will usually pass.
If you are affected by depression, you are not 'just' sad or upset. You have an illness which means that intense feeling of persistent sadness, helplessness and hopelessness are accompanied by physical effects such as sleeplessness, a loss of energy, or physical aches and pains.
Sometimes people may not realise how depressed they are, especially if they have been feeling the same for a long time, if they have been trying to cope with their depression by keeping themselves busy, or if their depressive symptoms are more physical than emotional.
Here is a list of the most common symptoms of depression. As a general rule, if you have experienced four or more of these symptoms, for most of the day nearly every day, for over two weeks, then you should seek help.
Tiredness and loss of energyPersistent sadnessLoss of self-confidence and self-esteemDifficulty concentratingNot being able to enjoy things that are usually pleasurable or interestingUndue feelings of guilt or worthlessnessFeelings of helplessness and hopelessnessSleeping problems - difficulties in getting off to sleep or waking up much earlier than usualAvoiding other people, sometimes even your close friendsFinding it hard to function at work/college/schoolLoss of appetiteLoss of sex drive and/ or sexual problemsPhysical aches and painsThinking about suicide and deathSelf-harm
At what point do you cross over from thinking your life's shit (at least part of the time) to clinical depression? Is actual depression when you can't function properly due to it?
If your life's shit and that makes you miserable, then something great happens you'll think 'thank **** for that, I feel better now'
If you're clinically depressed, something great happens and you just start picking holes in it and coming up with reasons why it's shit after all anyway, and you're still miserable. Or you may realise it's a good thing but you just can't feel happy about it. The happiness tank is empty.
Yea. It's almost like you are unable to sustain happiness and cope rationally with everyday situations, many of which are trivial.