Forum menu
I'm okay today. Still very anxious and restless.
I've been thinking about taking time off work, but I'm not sure that would be a good idea, or help at all.
I'm actually trying to stay off the likes of Facebook and other online places as I'm always comparing myself to others. A lot of my Facebook friends ride so I'm always looking at there videos and photos and comparing that to me.
I've not much new to add to what's been said already but I have suffered with depression for five years and have been through the whole cycle of meds, CBT and counselling. I have been off work for the last five weeks following most recent episode and it has broken the downward cycle. I'm not yet feeling good but at least I have stopped feeling worse each day. My depression is rooted in social anxiety and performance anxiety related to my job so staying off makes sense for me - it might not for you St Colin depending on the root cause of your depression. Sometimes the routine of work can distract you from the negative feelings so working might be right for you. Only you can decide.
Just an update....
I've now been referred to the Mental Health Team. Ended up off work for a week, but I've now returned. Really struggling at the minute. How is everyone else doing?
Felt better....... Currently flat out on the couch trying to muster up some energy to go out.
More angry than anything else, hard to justify feeling like this when there's nothing really for me to complain about.
Update from me, after being on the up for the past month or so, I'm feeling not too far from being back to square one. Slipped out of all of my habits of being organised....missing breakfast a lot, not showering every night, not brewing able to organise my work etc.
At the minute I can't even be that bothered to try and help myself.
Hey Tom - at least you can be bothered to post on here. That's a start. Nobody has a smooth ride all the time, but I guess you know what the good times feel like and what's helped in the past. Go easy on yourself.
Out of interest, anyone meditate to help their depression?
I started in the last couple of years and it has had a tangible effect. Doesn't stop me getting depressed, but helps pull me out of the black hole once I fall in, if that makes sense.
I've struggled with the black dog for 20 years. Not very good at talking about it.
In the last 10 years I have learned strategies to manage it, but I still haven't totally cracked it and still fall into a bottomless pit, fairly frequently.
When I was having a bad patch a few months ago, the stuff I read on here was really helpful in making me feel I was just normal! and not a messed up isolated wierdo. so Thank you STW thread for that. This stuff is good.
Out of interest, anyone meditate to help their depression?
This is something I have been meaning to try. I sometimes do have a problem finding a quiet space to try it.
However.......a bit of a breakthrough has been had here. Having had a bit of a chat (not about this) with my mate yesterday (who stays in Australia) about nothing in particular. It has made me realise that I might be a bit lonely. I seem to have shut myself away from things a bit, lost my zest for life and for doing things.......I haven't discovered any new music in years. The whole "I need to get out more" excuse. Even popping to the supermarket recently has become more of an effort than it needs to be.
I also seem to spend an inordinate amount of time on the internet (yes, I am seeing the irony of me posting this on a forum) It's become part of my daily routine to be online, looking at the same websites/forums expecting amazing things to be happening. My job is sitting at a computer, and my home life has become sitting at a computer. I honestly can't remember the last time I just read a book.
"Working on it" would be a fair description
This prog tonight (BBC2 at 9) might be of interest ...
[url= http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23229014 ]http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23229014[/url]
First rule of Depression Club: We Don't Talk About Depression Club!
Having been there, got the t-shirt, taken the t-shirt back, exchanged it for a smile, I can totally empathize. It's a real sh!tter when you can't trust your own thoughts or judgement. Counselling was a big help. Try and stay on the bike as well or start a mancave project.
I'm still very much aware of slipping back but you learn the signs and also how to nip them in the bud.
EDIT: redsox - nothing amazing will happen, trust me. I'm hoping for the same. Try something new, even if its a curry you've never had before. New things fire up the senses.
Just wanted to update this thread, apologies for bringing it up. Got a date for my first CBT appointment. My new medication seems to have stabilised me a bit, venlafaxine. However, all my demons remain, just not as strongly as before. Oddly, I'm having huge self-image problems at the minute. I'm always feeling slow on the bike, groggy before and after. I've started playing football again after about a year away from it and my fitness with that is pretty poor. I watched competitors at a local triathlon event and felt extremely inadequate afterwards making comparsion to the competitors and myself.
I may have to join this topic....
Talk gofaster.... Just type here how things are going, it will most likely help.
OK - I will when I'm home tonight - I can't type long/serious post when at work 😉
Hi st colin. Well done on the footie - fitness for any sport is pretty specific so it's no surprise that you're feeling it, and I'd expect there's some regulars who aren't as fit as you anyway. With any luck the CBT will help you find a voice to answer your demons back and slowly but surely defeat them. Have you got the standard 6(?) NHS sessions or are you seeing someone privately? I've found that going along to a support group is also useful (a bit like this, thread only in person and with coffee & biccies 😉 ) but it's good to be able to talk to people who are at different stages of the same thing without needing to explain or justify yourself, because they've been there/are there too.
St Colin, noticed this thread popping up again. It sounds from your post today that the trend is generally a positive one. I think for all of us we have better and worse times but if today is better than three months ago that is all we can hope for, an improvement over time. I hope the CBT helps. It did for me but I found it hard work. After an hour session I was pretty wiped out but believing in the benefit kept me going. Stay strong and you'll manage. There will always be people on here for you if you need them.
Thanks purist/dubh.
This is a longer CBT course. I had attended the 6 NHS sessions about 4 years ago which didn't help. I don't believe I was in the right frame of mind for it. I'm feeling optimistic about this new course.
I don't think I could do a group session, I wouldn't have the confidence to openly talk to people about it face to face. This is why I have contributed here, for now.
With my body confidence, I have spent the last 24 hours basically degrading myself over every detail.
A bit of progress here too. Had my first counselling appt last week after a 3 month wait. I'm to have a few 1-1 sessions then onto group sessions. Nervous about it but got to see it through this time.
I'm fine and dandy. That must be two or three years now that I've been good, and it still feels bloody great. The rest of you - stick in there - you will find a good solution in the end.
My own black moods are pretty much entirely down to isolation. Some of this can't be helped - I'm self employed and work on my ownsome - in itself a recognition that I like quiet environments - but the isolation can snowball and get out of control. Then it's back to the drawing board - trying to make new friends, etc, but this gets tougher with age:-
I watched competitors at a local triathlon event and felt extremely inadequate afterwards making comparsion to the competitors and myself
Don't worry about them. To be good at that stuff, you have to be single-minded and put all your time and effort into it, it's boring.
Hi St Colin,
My partner is on venlafaxine, 225mg/day (near the highest dose I think you can get out of hospital). He also takes another pill in the evening as it helps him to sleep - it isn't a sleeping pill but apparently venlafaxine can cause disrupted sleep and it counters it. With this extra pill (taken at about 8pm, we go to bed at 11:30) he sleeps OK. Just something to be aware of if it happens to you.
The higher doses of venlafaxine are used for anxiety/depression, which is what MrAdamW suffers from. Since he lost his job due to the illness (another can of worms) he has stabilised somewhat and is now doing his caving stuff more.
He was told he'd be on the venlafaxine for about 5 years minimum. Obviously everyone is different but I think it is more a medium-to-long-term medication.
As for comparisons, I guess we all do that. I have got rid of FB as everyone apparently has perfect lives on there and tbh I couldn't be bothered with its false imagery. Unfortunately I ride with a club with really good people in it (much more bottle than me!) so always feel inadequate when there and it caused me to not turn up many times. I am usually told off by the others as it isn't all just being rad and cool and 'sick' but for me it is the company and enjoying myself.
Meditation can help. I've done it and you can get calmer using it.
I wish you the best mate, and hope things improve for you. Hopefully the CBT will help; I've heard good things about it (if I could only get MrAdamW to go get some...).
Thanks AdamW. I'm on 112.5mg. Funny you should mention sleep. My sleeping pattern is terrible. This is a combination of a few things. I think I go to bed to early. My bed has been a refuge for me, somewhere I go to get away from it. I guess I get drawn to it in the evenings and I'm always worse at night. My gf also watches tv when we're in bed, as it helps her sleep. And it doesn't help me. Then I usually need to go to the toilet 2-3 times during the night too. I can't remember the last time I managed 6-7 hours solid sleep.
I am so glad I found this thread a while back.
I used to be the eternal optimist, noone ever knew me get down about anything and generally I didn't.
Then, a couple of years ago I went through an incredibly stressful time - chronic illness, the worst time in a job I have ever experienced, getting through IVF - and initially when it was over everything felt good again.
But then it was as if after the initial coming down to earth from it all I just kept going and my mind got darker and darker. It was so frustrating because I had never felt like that before and being a typical bloke I just tried to power on and pretend everything was ok and that took even more out of me mentally.
About the same time I also stumbled across this thread and read the entire thing and recognised so much of what I was feeling.
Eventually Mrs Danny insisted I go to the doctor who was great. He helped me through my illness so trusted him which helped. Initial chat then gave me a couple of weeks to think about think about things, then back in and decided anti depressants were the best way forward.
I'm now about half way through my course and feeling much much better - there is finally light at the end of the tunnel.
Good luck to everyone else who is going through it.
Cheers
Danny B
Great news Danny B.
Colin
Just started on Sertraline this week. So far feeling very spaced out and struggling to concentrate and sleep. Some stuff I've read says it should settle in a week or two - does this sound normal?
Was on Citalopram about five years ago but don't remember any real side effects. Had some counselling since then and did a computer CBT course earlier this year. Things just got on top of me recently and my counsellor advised me to see the doc as I was in a pretty bad place. Not totally happy about it as I've actually got reasons to feel down for once and I'm scared of not feeling what I should.
Glad I've asked for help though. Had been meaning to post on here at some point, my life's fallen to bits in the last two months.
I felt like that when I started my (different to yours) meds exile. 10 days or so and things started settling down for me. Good to see that so many people are making improvements on here. I've been doing a lot better of late-working pretty hard with my CBT etc. This week I've been struggling though tbh.
I did my first group therapy session thing last Friday-I'll be honest I only went because I thought that it might be funny...turned out to be quite a liberating and thought provoking session!
Exile, welcome to the thread. Yes, new meds will take around 2-4 weeks approx to bed into your system. Just keep an eye on things if they don't improve over time.
Hi Tom. Group sessions have been mentioned quite a few times to me.
Yesterday turned out to be a terrible day. Meds have been changed slightly after a visit to the doctor 2 days ago suffering from feeling very dizzy/lightheaded and not sleeping. I took a bad panic attack yesterday morning in work and ended up having to leave pretty sharpish before I broke down totally. It came on so sudden, and it lasted most of the morning. Felt helpless and out of control, scared and very very lonely.
Hope everyone else has been feeling better than this.
Shit, hope things get better Colin...the group sessions do seem to work.
Just wanted to add another "thankyou" message - I was also having a pretty rough time with depression a few months ago and reading this thread made me realise I needed help so I went to the doctors and spoke to a friend. I'm now feeling a lot better (taking St Johns Wort which seems to be working for me) and realising what is important for me to do. Anyway, thanks to those who are better than me with talking about it.
Hi Colin, I'm Ali - been on and off here for a few years now 🙂
I've suffered with depression for a long time but was diagnosed about 3yrs ago after I became really poorly. I've been on meds for this amount of time, did try and come off them 2yrs ago but ended up having a relapse.
I had counselling through work and also went private for a while until I discovered that the NHS do counselling so signed up to the service. It was just what I needed.
Hope you're feeling a bit better, you're not alone as you know 🙂
Thanks Aleigh. It's always good to know that something is working for people. My CBT starts at the end of next month.
Alpine Girl, welcome to the thread. I can understand about not being able to talk. I can write/type my thoughts no problem, but when it comes to actually talking to someone, I find it really difficult.
Wow.
I have been off STW for a while now, (not for any reason just had other stuff going on) thought i'd see if anyone had added anything, and have been humbled by the kind help and advice people have been giving on here.
So glad i posted it as its helped me reading it as one thing I struggled with was the feeling of loneliness and the thought that everyone else was OK and just getting on with life and i was the only one feeling bad.
The more I have spoken to people the more I have now realised how common this is, even family members have had problems I didn't realise until now, so in that way its made me much more aware which has got to be a good thing.
I recommend going onto this website as it has loads of clear, non biased info about medication and other subjects. There is also some helpful stuff to show people that aren't sufferers, how someone who is feels and how best to help them.
http://www.depressionalliance.org/
Keep it up guys, lets look out for each other..........
So, how is everyone doing?
I've had 3 sessions of CBT now. It's early days, still no change in mood. Beginning to really lose hope now. My relationship is taking a battering too, and I don't know what to do next.
CBT is a long process but you have to be in the right mind before you start. For depression it has very good results but when I had it it did nothing (I have Bioplar).
The most important person to bring you back to normal is your doctor.
If you don't feel happy with them, change. In 3 years I have had 7 doctors and only now am I getting results. I'm still a million miles from being right though.
The next thing is medication. If, after 5 weeks it doesn't work it never will so get it changed.
Once you have these two things in place can you start therapy.
Your relationship will be better once you start to become more positive.
I have been off work for a long time and will not return until my head is a bit better. My episodes are currently too extreme to even consider it. My bike has been sitting in my garage gathering dust for 3 years.
Good Luck.
If you need anyone to talk to mail in profile.
EDIT: You also need it confirmed by several doctors that it's depression you have. I was told I was depressed so was prescribed anti depressants. Really not a good idea for Bipolar sufferers as I went completely manic, ending up in the countryside of Slovenia with no idea how I got there. I then attempted suicide twice. Once ultra rapid cycling bipolar was diagnosed everything cooled down a bit. I still have my shit days and really crazy days but life is a bit better.
Hey st colin. CBT takes a bit of work - I guess you know that there's no magic cure for depression. I found that CBT just gives you a different way of looking at situations and then choosing to react/behave differently to your default setting. The premise is that then by behaving differently you start to feel different and get into a bit of a virtuous circle, but you need to put in the work to make that happen.
My therapist used [url= http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47 ]this[/url] as reading/support to go alongside the sessions, and I found a lot of it to be quite autobiographical. I wouldn't say that I use a lot of it in daily life, but I can and do stop the default knee jerk reaction to some things.
I've also started going along to a depression support group - a weekly meeting where you get to talk & share things with others who have been going through a lot of the same stuff as you. Sitting in a room with a bunch of depressed people probably doesn't sound like a load of fun, but it can be a bit of a laugh (as well as the odd sombre moments).
Another thing I've found helpful is practising mindfulness - a few minutes each day focussing on and accepting the here & now rather than having my mind running over my past failings and my future worries. The idea of meditation was initially quite difficult for me to accept as I'm sceptical of a lot of that 'new age' stuff, but this is delivered in a straightforward way, no incense, no chanting, no orange robes 😉 Check out [url=
Mark Williams[/url] on youtube or [url= http://www.getsomeheadspace.com/ ]Headspace[/url] for more info.
Hang in there - it can and will get better.
Thanks for the replies.
I know CBT is a long process. I'll certainly be sticking at it. I'm very withdrawn at the moment, socially and in my relationship. For example, I planned in my head to go out on the bike on Sunday, the club I'm part of was having a run out on trials I've never ridden. Come 7am Sunday morning, woke up and feel low. Don't go. Two things are really bouncing around in my head. I missed out on time on the bike, so time to get better and faster has been minimised. Secondly, the club will think I'm not interested in going out with them.
These are the kinds of things that trouble me far too much.
I think they all know you're sick, if not tell them.
The bike will eventually com back.
I know exactly how you feel.
You're already low so don't let this get you even worse.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/brainspotting-therapy.html
I find that brainspotting works really well for me but its not so common in the uk.
Secondly, the club will think I'm not interested in going out with them.
This is one of the thought processes that I found CBT helped with. For instance, when you do go out with the club, how do you feel about people who aren't there? Do you think 'oh well, perhaps Fred has something else to do this morning, or maybe he didn't feel like it etc' or do you think 'well Fred clearly isn't interested in riding with us any more'. And when Fred comes back, do you say 'good to see you again' or 'oh, so you dare to show your face again after ignoring us'. It's hard to treat yourself the same as you treat other people, but is there a reason not to? Easy to say, hard to do.
Yea, that's exactly how I am trying to picture it. Treat myself how I would treat others.
St Colin sorry to hear you are still struggling. I did CBT for a while not sure if it helped much but it did make me be nicer to myself and stop beating myself up as much.
really try to go riding thats going to help your seratonin levels and being in a group can help too
Stick with it mate
Colin, what stops you from going out on your bike? I often struggle with it due to anxiety issues, I just force myself out and always feel better afterwards. something my CBT practitioner was on about - motivation leads to action which leads to increased motivation.
The main reason is that I don't think I'm fast enough, fit enough. I seem to believe that I need to be going as fast as possible, constantly improving, and getting fitter and stronger.
Last night I got out on my rigid MTB and thought I felt strong during the ride. I only managed 15.4mph average over 26 miles and only 950ft of climbing. This was on the road. So, I felt good during, but was disappointed in myself after.