I am regrettably late to this thread and will read it throughly latter today. From what I have quickly scanned through I must commend you all for talking openly about it and getting the necessary help. Tomorrow I and two other close mates will be carrying our dear friend on his final journey after he silently battled with depression. The four of us were close and helped one and other through the good times and the bad. But Babs never told anyone and foolishly kept it to himself. I only wish we were made aware of his condition sooner. He was a life long cyclist and even now writing this I feel terribly sad that we won't be riding together again. Some of you in the Gloucester area maybe aware of his passing. Babs was one of the founder members of The Bigfoof club. Apologies for the slight ramble.
I can't remember if I have contributed to this thread before, but I have recurrent depression interspersed with periods of feeling fine. I had CBT several years ago, but I didn't warm to the person giving it and didn't think it would help, however a couple of years later I unexpectedly found myself using the CBT techniques I'd learned!
I'm actually feeling pretty awful at the moment. I suspect it could be partly a seasonal thing with me. I had dreadful pmt for 9 days followed by 3 days of severe migraine and it's left me completely drained and depressed. I'm off work today as my brain is all fogged up.
So firstly, I came to accept who I was and where I'd come from.
This. For me. It was the biggest help.
Sad story Marin No8, but I think public awareness is increasing, so hopefully 'talking about it' will become easier for many.
If it's any consolation vickypea, I'm having a fairly low period right now. Feelings of worthlessness and pointlessness, the continuing saga of trying to find paid employment, the ever present money worries, and the negative effect my low periods have on the household, and the bad atmosphere that results because of his. My partner should get a medal!
At least I do take some comfort from knowing others are fighting their own little battles too, so perhaps you can take some comfort from mine.
Group cyber-hug.
vicypea - seasonal thing striking a chord with me too
this thread very useful - the insular horridly dark thought processing very familiar currently. I have tried pills and CBT but it comes back
think sometimes you have to get used to the fact that cyclical brain mentalness is what you have been granted
Well things have taken a bad turn, a u-turn almost. Last night I decided that it time to stay with my parents for a few days whilst I try and gather my thoughts on my relationship with my partner. It came about because I faced a couple of fears. She wants to buy a house, get married, and start a family with the next couple of years. Whilst I believe those things may happen to me with her, I cannot guarantee that I can any of those things in that time frame with my current state of mind. She can't hang around any longer, and I don't blame her. I explained how I felt and I believe this is the beginning of the end unless something exceptional happens very soon.
The hardest thing in the world is letting someone go because you can't give them what they want. I know I'm a failure, and this is just nailing it to the wall.
Colin, theres no guarantees in life and giving yourself a hard time isnt going to help you sort things out either 🙁
Its not easy but try and take things one step at a time and work through one issue at a time. Focusing and learning the triggers which make you feel better/worse is one step and trying to make the most of that.
With these fears are they things which you want to do but are scared that you may not be able to do them, or that you feel you should do these things to make someone you love happy?
I know I'm a failure...
Yes, a thought I used to have a lot. However, during my therapy it was pointed out that I was only failure by my standards, standards that were set by me, and therefore could be changed. Who says you're a failure? Others? Or you? If it's you, what do you know about anything? 😉
If you had cancer would you still think you were a failure?
Would actually want to buy a house and have a family with this girl if you were not sick?
I know the negative thoughts eat at you like a hungry lion but I assure you things will get better.
I know many who have come from where you are and became much better.
http://www.mind.org.uk/help/mind_in_your_area
click on I need urgent help if you're struggling
Those fears are a mix of both. Mostly that I couldn't cope with being a father and that I wouldn't be a very good one at that. For the mortgage it's a case of already having 30% of my wage taken up by 1 loan payment which is a considerable amount. We rent a place together, so not much free money to save, well for me anyway. My partner has savings of her own. Basically she is ready for the next big step, I'm not.
She is broken at the minute and really doesn't know what to do and frankly it's all my fault. When I've been good I have talked positively about these things, but my mood has been low for a prolonged period of time now that I have just succumbed to my negative way of thinking.
When you buy it will only get worse unless you are better.
If you have a massive breakdown and cannot work the mortgage will not be paid.
Then what will she do?
She should understand this.
That was pretty much my point. I want to be on the road to recovery and in control of my life before I commit to something like that. I just get the feeling that the time is up for her now.
Always do what's best for you. If she cant see how bad things are I think you're right.
If she loves you she'll understand. She'll wait.
But don't hate her if she puts her happiness first, that's a basic human survival instinct.
I'll not blame her at all. This is my doing, so I can't do that.
Col I appreciate the confusion and darkness you are going through at the moment, do you have any riding buddies that will not try and beat you on the trails but instead just have a bit of Craic and banter and from that build a bit of empathy.
Not to be patronising but on the strength of the threads you post you appear a good guy and don't deserve the pain you feel.
Thanks. When I'm at my worst I feel like I deserve it and that I should be low and feeling worthless and hopeless.
Well things have taken a bad turn, a u-turn almost. Last night I decided that it time to stay with my parents for a few days whilst I try and gather my thoughts on my relationship with my partner. It came about because I faced a couple of fears. She wants to buy a house, get married, and start a family with the next couple of years. Whilst I believe those things may happen to me with her, I cannot guarantee that I can any of those things in that time frame with my current state of mind. She can't hang around any longer, and I don't blame her. I explained how I felt and I believe this is the beginning of the end unless something exceptional happens very soon.The hardest thing in the world is letting someone go because you can't give them what they want. I know I'm a failure, and this is just nailing it to the wall.
What's been the primary reason why you've been down Colin, or does it seem generalized? Why be scared by the mortgage, at the end of the day you may or may not make a good father or be able to pay the mortgage. But what's the worst that can happen, life goes on after this - the rewards are worth the risk.
It sounds to me like (and I don't mean to be offensive) obsessive anxiety is wrecking your life more than depression.
No one should be that hard on themselves matey.
EDIT: Colin, I'm going to send you an email tomorrow. I've got a few personal stories that you could relate to.
Wonderful thread. I'm sure most people who read it have abolutely no idea, which, unfortunately is how it is in the real world. Try explaining to your manager truthfully why you couldn't even summon the energy or will to pick up the phone to actually talk to a real life person, when anything outside of your duvet is a nightmare waiting to happen, even more of a nightmare than what is happening under the duvet in your head. I have these problems off and on, I'm certain not as bad as a lot of people, but bad enough to be able to empathise. The self-esteem thing, the continuous voice in your head that keeps saying no you can't do that, nope you're not good enough, all the ****in no's that deny you and negative spiral when it comes is just ****in rubbish and just drags you down into a black hole of anxiety and panic and meaninglessness etc. Being sel critical is a good thing and can push you to make great things, but this is like a hyper version of that that is so negative and self-destructive. it's a ****in battle when it get's like that and no denying it. Just battle on. Sometimes it is so hard to see yourself from the right perspective.When you get that "rigt" self-perspective back you have to cherish it and feed it properly with exercise, family, good friends, all the good stuff I reckon. "mindfullness" has been reccommended to me by mates, and daft stuff like swimming, meditation, etc, to get head in right place. and I think all that is right. as I never feel happierthan when "escaping" up a mountain or out on bike etc. I guess you have to find ways of coping that are positive, rather than negative like booze or something. anyway, that's my ramble 🙂 x
Thanks Tom, I'd appreciate that.
Still staying at my parents. Have had a few texts back and forth from my partner and to be honest it isn't sounding hopeful. I have told her thoughts, much more rational than over the last few days, I am trying to be very positive about it and I think it can be fixed, but it seems like it just too much for her. She has told me she doesn't know me anymore and that it feels to her that the relationship is broken.
The depression voice is telling me that it could be the final nail in the coffin for me.
I'm certain not as bad as a lot of people...
We'll there is no universal scale of mental or physical pain. If you're hurting a 10, it's a 10. Someone else's pain you might rate at a 10 might only be a 6 for them. Conversely someone else's pain you'd ignore might be their 10.
Don't play down or trivialise your own suffering. 😉
Well, it has been an eventful few days. After spending 3 nights with my parents I cam home on Friday evening. We thrashed out all the issues and have decided upon a plan of action. Our lease on the rented house is up at the end of November and we have decided to end that and move back with our parents. We are staying together. This will allow us to save and give us space. I can get the space to work on the CBT and get myself better. So, positive? Well, almost. I still think in the back of her mind this is the beginning of the end but she is sure that it isn't. Also, my dad isn't too happy about me moving back home. We don't get on at the best of times, so I hope things will go smoothly. It's only going to be 6-8 months, so not such a long time.
Does it all sound like a sensible plan?
Yes. A forward looking and constructive one.
St Colin
Yes sounds like a good plan to me. keep it up mate, maybe your dad could attend a couple of CBT sessions to help him understand a bit more how you feel
Hope it works for you, at the very least you have come up with a plan
Yea, it is positive in a sense. My dad is old school and he doesn't talk about anything like that. Still, we have football in common and my brother (and his son) and I are planning to take him the the Emirates stadium in January. Perhaps there will be opportunity to get to build our relationship, who knows. Both my parents admit to knowing very little about depression and dont understand what I'm going through.
At what point do you cross over from thinking your life's shit (at least part of the time) to clinical depression? Is actual depression when you can't function properly due to it?
What is Depression
The word 'depression' is used to describe everyday feelings of low mood which can affect us all from time to time. Feeling sad or fed up is a normal reaction to experiences that are upsetting, stressful or difficult; those feelings will usually pass.
If you are affected by depression, you are not 'just' sad or upset. You have an illness which means that intense feeling of persistent sadness, helplessness and hopelessness are accompanied by physical effects such as sleeplessness, a loss of energy, or physical aches and pains.
Sometimes people may not realise how depressed they are, especially if they have been feeling the same for a long time, if they have been trying to cope with their depression by keeping themselves busy, or if their depressive symptoms are more physical than emotional.
Here is a list of the most common symptoms of depression. As a general rule, if you have experienced four or more of these symptoms, for most of the day nearly every day, for over two weeks, then you should seek help.
Tiredness and loss of energyPersistent sadnessLoss of self-confidence and self-esteemDifficulty concentratingNot being able to enjoy things that are usually pleasurable or interestingUndue feelings of guilt or worthlessnessFeelings of helplessness and hopelessnessSleeping problems - difficulties in getting off to sleep or waking up much earlier than usualAvoiding other people, sometimes even your close friendsFinding it hard to function at work/college/schoolLoss of appetiteLoss of sex drive and/ or sexual problemsPhysical aches and painsThinking about suicide and deathSelf-harm
At what point do you cross over from thinking your life's shit (at least part of the time) to clinical depression? Is actual depression when you can't function properly due to it?
If your life's shit and that makes you miserable, then something great happens you'll think 'thank **** for that, I feel better now'
If you're clinically depressed, something great happens and you just start picking holes in it and coming up with reasons why it's shit after all anyway, and you're still miserable. Or you may realise it's a good thing but you just can't feel happy about it. The happiness tank is empty.
Yea. It's almost like you are unable to sustain happiness and cope rationally with everyday situations, many of which are trivial.
Is actual depression when you can't function properly due to it?
Yes, I believe this is the medical definition.
I think depression can also include a numbness. Where you don't feel anything. You feel so disconnected and numb you lose all point and worth and feel you should not exist.
Mental pain can be the worse there is. Anyone suffering or dealing with it has my upmost respect.
St John, it sounds like you are working hard to sort things out. It can be done. Just a word of advice if you don't mind,
I still think in the back of her mind this is the beginning of the end but she is sure that it isn't
Don't try and work out what is going on in her head, or your Dad's. It can be hard enough dealing with your own. The chances are all of your thoughts are in a depression fog and so not clear. Just try to deal with your own head and not other people's for now.
Another big dip today for no reason. Last night I felt good, spent some time working on the bikes, tidied up the utility, sorting tools etc. Was quite relaxed. Then this morning, this.
How is everyone else today?
Dip sounds like bipolar. Do you experience any highs sometimes? Maybe only for a very short time.
Not really to be honest. I would say when I feel good, it is normal for most people. I just mean that today I feel lower than yesterday but for no apparent reason.
There isn't always (if ever) a reason for a slide back down. It just happens - sometimes you wake up and know it's going to be bad, but nothing has changed since yesterday. That's the nature of this crappy illness. The best thing I found is not to beat yourself up about the fact that you're down again - that just feeds your own negativity and won't solve anything. Give yourself permission to feel crap - use whatever energy and motivation you have to do things for yourself, accept your small achievements for the day (getting out of bed, posting on here). And remember how it felt to be 'normal' - sometimes it's hard to recall exactly how you felt yesterday or last week or last month. Someone I know kept a diary of how they felt, and then said that reading it back later was like reading something written by another person. Take it easy though, and try to look after number one.
My first homework for the CBT was to write down my feelings for the first week. Reading it back is exactly that, it doesn't seem like me at all. Well, it doesn't represent who I want to be.
How is everyone else today?
Medium, teetering on the edge, not sure which side of the bipolar fence I'm going to land on. But I do have reason to not be on top of the world, the search for paid employment drags on and on and on...
I have a tendency to hide away from reality by getting stuck into some research. I'm now very knowledge on jet engines, British Railways circa 1963, the 2001-2005 Mazda MX-5 including modifications, the Supermarine Spitfire including all armaments, the 2006 Yamaha YZ250, the Weihrauch HW30 including tuning, and the 581 series Ruger Mini-30 including modifications, to name but a few!
Tucker - know what you mean about employment. Nothing confirms your own negative self image like being unemployed. I've tried a few thing - the Richmond fellowship is a charity that's meant to support people with mental health issues back into work. They've not been great for me but others have found it helpful. I've also been looking at volunteering, just as a way of putting some structure and social contact into my time.
Back into work today after another CBT session. My therapist thinks that may mood may be too low at the minute for CBT. I have some material I was given at the end of my last session, so I am going to continue with that for now.
I felt very emotional today, almost to the point of tears - I'm ashamed to admit.
Well what a day yesterday. My mood has come up since what happened.
I was due to travel to Austria/Hungary with work yesterday, traveling to Dublin for my flight from Belfast. Arrive at the desk at Dublin airport and my passport is out of date. I hadn't been looking forward to the trip for several reasons, however this was just too much. Returning to work later that day with my tail between my legs, I received a stern talking too and a verbal warning for my silly mistake. With already having a very poor relationship with this boss, things were very difficult yesterday.
Today isn't so bad. I'm trying not to think about the moment the lady at the check in desk pointed out the expiry date of June 2013. It has reinforced my feelings of being a failure, having meticulously prepared for the trip in every other way.
Mate
Its a mistake we all make them, be nicer to yourself, its not a surprise that you forgot, all things considered.
try not to beat yourself up although I do understand how hard it is not to sometimes
Well, how is everyone doing?
Not great this morning for me. Possible come down from the weekend.
I've been following this thread from the start and have just read it in it's entirety (including some of the links) but have not posted on it.
I know a lot of you have used this thread to realise that you need help so just wanted to say that I have used it for the opposite. I have had first-hand experience of what depression can do to a person (my mum is clinically depressed and has been for 20 years) so started to recognise a few signs in myself over the last few weeks. It all started when it seemed like all of my friends were starting families/getting married/buying houses throughout the summer while I am single and stuck renting. I felt stuck in a rut of work, riding my bike and sitting at home all alone. I was definitely lonely. Then I realised that a friend of mine through work had turned into more than a friend, I was falling for her massively. I read this thread to give me the confidence to ask her out (the stories of getting to a happier place really helped) but held off for a few weeks while I sorted myself out a bit. Unfortunately, unbeknown to me, she found someone else in this time. So I ask her out and get knocked back, she hasn't got in contact since. I was (still am) gutted and quickly felt myself falling into a spiral of sleeping loads, not enjoying work (I normally like it), not eating and even hating my bikes. Even riding my favourite bike on one of my favourite rides couldn't sort me out!!
Fast forward to last week and this thread pops up again. I read the whole thing, going through the links etc thinking that I was entering the depression cycle that my mum goes through constantly. I now realise that I'm just frustrated at not also being settled with someone, putting down roots etc like my friends all are. I took the opportunity to talk to one of my closest friends about it when the subject of mental health came up (she's just had her first baby so PND was being discussed) and just the simple act of talking has got my head in a far better place. I was out on the bike yesterday and loved it, I'm enjoying my work again and really looking forward to helping all of my friends with their house projects/baby duties etc. Christmas/new year will be the test as I always get a bit lonely around now (10th year in a row single during the holidays) but I feel far more positive about things now. My friend is going to keep an eye on me just in case though!!
I may not be depressed now or in the future, but reading all your experiences has helped me. Good luck everyone getting yourselves to a happier place.
Best thread I ever started for sure!
It has certainly been a help for me. Being able to physically talk has always been a massive problem for me so coming on here to type has made expressing my feelings and thoughts much easier.
A big help for me too.
Made me realise I had once more spiralled into a dark and lonely place. I've been to see the GP, she's put me back on my meds and I've had a really good talk with a PWP (Psychological Well-being Practitioner) - with a view to having a go at CBT.
I'm similar to St Colin in that talking to people is extremely difficult. The thought of having to make a phone call or speak to someone face to face (even my friends!!) can leave me in a right state of anxiety.
Being able to anonymously get things off my chest or even read about other folk having experiences similar to mine is an enormous relief - I am not alone and I am not the only one.
All the best everyone. Stay well.
Today was not one of my best, I've had a few down episodes recently where I seem to be asking some big questions of myself. I have managed to lift myself out of them by remembering that I have good days too. Tonight I got home and took my bike out rode round the woods and it wasn't till I was on my way back that I realised my mood had lifted and I didn't even notice the transition.
Good days come and good days go. Remembering that the same is true of bad ones is the hard part. Keep it up guys!
That's good sbh. I'm really struggling to get motivated at work since yesterday. My concentration levels are really poor, my mind is wondering. I'm pretty useless being here to be honest.
I'm meeting a few friends for a spin tonight, hopefully I can relax and enjoy it.
How is everyone?
I need some relationship advice, I don't know where to turn.
You still doing alrite Colin?
I've been about written off today, had that horrible tight chest feeling. ****ing hell, weekend soon and I want to hide!
there's lots of inspiring stuff here, in fact just posting here s inspiring.
This is a good thread just to get it of your chest.
I haven't been very happy recently the panic of there is nothing after death crept in a few weeks ago literally bringing me to my knees, but I have been dealing with this since I was a child and have managed to put of my mind for now.
Being out of work and having endless none productive interviews is niggling at me making me feel trapped, powerless and financially under pressure, with my partner supporting the house and me on her wage,
and then to top this all I am having very serious doubts about getting married next year plus there is another woman who I can't get out my mind but we both have kids and respective partners so we just ignore our attraction all though I think both our other half's suspect.
I just want to pack my bag some times and go
Hi all,
Have opened a reply box countless times but never been able to hit the send post button.
Been back living with my parents now for around 2 weeks. Relationship is up in the air. My gf just wants to not think about things and try and enjoy 'dating' each other again. We have spent time together, but away from that I'm finding things really really tough. She has told me she has doubts, and for me that just means the beginning of the end. I don't know how much longer I can go on for, not knowing if I have a future with her. My body confidence is at an all time low and my self-asteem is shattered. I try really hard when I'm with her to be happy and carefree like she wants.
I'm running all sorts of things through my head. Is she talking or seeing someone else? Is she building up to ending it but doesn't know how?
I am trying to work on some exercises that I have got from CBT to help with this, but it's so tough trying to make them work.
Great thread, posted a while back and went to see my GP. He was really nice said that I was suffering with depression, he recommended this online CBT course:
https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome/new/splash
Without trying to sound negative or putting myself down (a problem that I struggle with) its all fairly obvious but I found that it actually helped quite a bit. I've made and continue to try and make changes to the way I think of myself (I'm very self critical), but it isn't easy.
I also have medication on prescription waiting for me if I need it, he said give the above site a go and call if I feel I need a helping hand with the meds.
I've just started with a new cbt counsellor...my last one seemed to be spiralling down into her own bottomless pit!
I've been steadily on a downward spiral for about two-three months now, which is about the time I've been out of cbt. Working six days a week at the minute which is ridiculous....once again I have literally lost the ability to relax. It's a shame that I'm feeling low really as I have got some great things happening in my life at the minute.
What did you work on with the CBT Tom?
I'm getting a thorough mauling from the black dog at the moment, no energy or motivation and a fairly consuming low level anxiety that can leap at the drop of a hat..
It's been building since the beginning of summer, we took on far too much again this year, with yet another house and business premises move, Mrs yunki has had to put in waaay more hours than we'd hoped leaving me pretty much alone with the kids through some very demanding behaviour.. One of the first things to suffer is housework, which has left me in a perpetual state of catch-up and teetering right on the edge of chaos which really doesn't help..
I honestly didn't think depression would ever get the better of me again after a long battle through my 20s but this is right back there..
I'm taking Citalopram which is taking the edge off the anxiety but there's no sign of opportunities for improvement in other areas..
I've always used profound change in lifestyle to beat depression before but it's hard to see how to apply that due to my present circumstances..
Need to start breaking things down into realistically achievable short term goals for a while maybe..
Hi Yunki. That's exactly what my CBT has been getting me to do. One small thing at a time. Identifying what areas are the porblems etc. For me, it's worrying/ruminating that I need to work on. So I take each thought and work on it individually. You need to exercise the mind alongside taking the medication.
My cbt was a bit of a mish mash tbh colin. Looking at behaviour patterns and how they can lead to low moods etc. The root of my problems is anxiety/over thinking. My mind is always on the go analyzing anything and everything. I'm going to be working on mindfulness with my new therapist.
Need to start breaking things down into realistically achievable short term goals for a while maybe..
You need to do this ^^ everyday, I used to do a wee thing where I'd "earn my reward" so before I sat down and had a cup of tea and a biscuit I'd pick one chore and do it. It is habit forming and I found that I'd often end up doing more than I set out to.
It's an interesting way of describing what despression feels like. I am definitely that guy, minus the last minute.
I feel this thread is dying out somewhat.
I had a black dog animation.
Hi st colin, how are you doing?
So I take each thought and work on it individually.
What do you mean by work on it? Can you describe this process a little more? Do you find it helps?
Colin, hold in there.
What helps me cope is making the most I can out of the good periods and trying to muddle through the dark times.
No one knows what the future may bring, but what you can influence is what is happening now. Try living life for today and take each day as it comes, rather than worrying about what may happen tomorrow. Things will find there own way.
I know about thinking the worst of the future. If you think the worst is going to happen then you can never be let down, but it sends you down that road of being negative about life and maybe you've written everything off in your mind before giving yourself a chance.
Yes things may not work out, but if you don't allow yourself the chance for them to work, you'll never know.
All easier said than done and i'm the worlds biggest cultrate for doing just that 😕
Morning.
Scuzz, I have spent my CBT so far doing exercises based on 'thinking about thinking' and handling my worries. My day is overcome with all sorts of thoughts and worries that I handle incorrectly. For example, my current life worry/thoughts are regarding the massive change in my relatiosnhip. Worrying that it is the beginning of the end, thinking that she doesn't love me and wants to leave me. Of course, the reality is that none of those things are reality. So I try and learn to accept them as just thoughts and allow them to pass me by. That's all they are, thoughts. So, maybe she has given me her thoughts on how she feels and I need to take that as reality. All these other ideas I have in my head may not be true, so why let them rule me?
I hope that makes some sense. I understand that the normal process would be to worry somewhat, then get on with it, and base what you do on the here and now.
But what I can tell you is that it is not easy for me. Especially when it comes to my relationship 🙁
I have not had time to read the thread through but want to post.
The relationship is not a done deal but the one thing that is more important than that is you. You must put your own physical and mental well being first. When you are well the relationship issues will resolve themselves one way or another and you will be fine.
Its very difficult to hold a relationship together when depression is involved, I have been there. IMO the best thing you can do (but also one of the hardest) is to do exactly as she says and just date each other and have fun.
She's still with you so you have a chance to change her mind I'm sure she wants everything to be good.
You really need to try to live in the moment and stop yourself from thinking about past issues and future scenarios. You can do nothing about either now. This type of thinking can pull you further into depression.
Its the cycle, you become depressed and feel bad, your brain tries to work out why and how to fix it thinking about being depressed and causes more depression. If this was easy to stop then it would be easy to fix. You can insert any problems causing depression here.
Have a look at how mindfulness can help you in depression, this will help you to stop feeling bad in the short term. Try to just get through one moment at a time and the hours and days will take care of themselves.
As said by someone, setting short term goals and rewards are a good way to go and above all do not give yourself a hard time about anything, even if you think you should. This is counter productive for your mental health - dont do it.
If you crash the car, break your bike, stub your toe, annoy your loved ones etc - learn from it and just move on, put it in the past.
Find lots of little things that are good and live for them, there are ways though.
Take care.
Hi all, putting my hand and up to admit I am suffering badly with depression, have probably been since 2007 but have been in denial, couldnt admit it to myself and its practically ruined everything I have.
The last two years have been and rapid decline and I now find myself in a very very dark place, marriage gone, my partner has left me and is with someone else and its hard just to do the most simple task. Practically no sleep, can't eat, can't face friends and I can't even face the bikes.
Been to the doctors and broke down in the surgery so have been put on mirzapine and zopiclone and had my first counselling session on friday with another tomorrow. I cannot see any future at all at the moment to be honest, even though have looked through this thread I can see there should be light at the end of the tunnel I just cannot find that I connect with that as a possibility, I just wish everything would just stop, those of you on here who are going through it will understand what I mean, I dont mean suicide I just want some peace.
Cheers guys
MUTDz
Take care mate....things will get better and I totally understand what you mean.
MUTDz, it's a slow process and I can relate to the "can't be bothered" to do stuff I enjoy. I literally have to force myself to get off my bum and go for a ride/run build a model or whatever.
If I do manage to get up and do something, 99% of time I feel loads better for it, so try and do something that puts you in that empty mind place, easier said than done I know.
Really interested and heartened to hear some of the posts so far.
Thought you might find the following link interesting:
MUTDz
Just read your post and totally recognise the feeling you describe - the emptiness of existence and a wish that somehow it could just stop. I guess there's some good news and bad news. The good news is that as far as I can tell that's a pretty common place for depressed people to find themselves, but the bad news is that there isn't a magic cure that'll suddenly turn things around. The truth is that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel but it can be hard to see sometimes. The tunnel has plenty of twists and turns, ups and downs and sometimes even false glimpses of light before you really get to the end.
Counselling can take a while - when I started mine I hadn't even recognised my own symptoms and couldn't even connect with how I actually felt inside, but after a series of painful realisations I've gradually come to know myself better. I've done CBT as well but I think that's probably most useful once you understand yourself better - I'd have been in no place to use it at first.
One thing I've found that helps is to go along to a support group. It's a bit like a real life version of this thread. I find it's somewhere I can be totally open and honest, and be understood by others who are (or have been) in a similar position. If I'd read your post out at a meeting I can assure you there would have been a lot of heads nodding as people recognised what you say, and that shared experience helps to give me the belief that there is a way forward, that there is a healing process.
Most of all, look after yourself.
Hi all,
I hope everyone is doing well. I'm not so good. With my relationship in the balance, and our contact is getting less and less by the day. We have seen each other 3 times since the beginning of December. I have honored her want of needing space and time. I am trying to hold back on contacting her etc, but it is very difficult.
It couldn't happen at a worse time of year, I feel so lonely. We do have stuff planned over Christmas, so I guess I should try and remain positive about it.
Take care, and Merry Christmas to you all. Thanks for your contributions and I hope this thread can keep going.
St Colin
I am the OP of this thread and it has been such an eye opener that it has hit 9 pages.
All I can offer you is the fact that whatever troubles you are having It will pass, it will get better you just need to believe and work at it.
It is a hard time of year for many people I know, please keep on trying to see the positive parts of your life when you start to list them you do start to realise that you have a lot of good things in your life.
I mean health, having food to eat, warm house to live in, all the basic stuff, before moving onto the other positives in your life rather than dwelling on the negatives.
Not sure how much sense that makes but it's what I have been doing and it seems to help you see the bigger picture.
Stay on it mate!
I have lived with depression and anxiety for over twenty lears now.
The one lesson that I can tell everyone is that you CAN beat it.
I can't lie - it is not easy, in fact it is probably one of the hardest things to do because it requires a profound shift in thinking and self-awareness, and it is really really hard work.
However, eventually you can get to a point where you recognise that "the problem" (as I refer to it - Time Bandits style) is creeping up again, and you get early enough warning to stamp on it and get it sorted before it takes a real hold.
Keep your chins up everyone. It's Bastard hard work, but it can be beaten!
Yes you need to find a way of spotting the black dog and sending it away!
Hi all. Well, it's been a pretty horrible holiday period for me. As I thought would happen, my girlfriend split up with me. I'm back to work today, I'm actually surprised I made it out of bed at all.
I hope everyone had a better time off - if any - then I did.
Good luck for this year.
Sorry to hear that has happened but at least you know where you stand.
The positives are that even though its not the outcome you wanted you are up and about and functioning. Make it through the day and find some little things to look forward to for the weekend.
DO NOT GIVE UP, YOU WILL BE FINE!
One major upside of being single is being able to plan lots of cool riding through the year without having to consider anyone else. Selfish I know but also fun. Holiday tour of UK riding cool places and Trail Parks? How about an Alps trip? Get out riding weekends with mates or a local club?
Strip your bike down in the living room wilst drinking beer in your pants 😮
Lots of stuff to plan and do now for when the weather breaks and lots of riding now will and you'll be fit when it does....
Go easy on yourself and take care,