Topic starter
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's
never been out of the garden."
Posted : 29/03/2022 10:40 pm
Your wife has alopecia, I'll look forward to GI Jane 2.
Sorry, I could not resist.
Posted : 29/03/2022 10:44 pm
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
You get a wooly jumper
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a cow?
you get a baaaaaad moooood
What to you get if you cross The Atlantic with The Titanic?
You get about half way.
Posted : 29/03/2022 10:59 pm
What do you call a man with a sea gull on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:05 pm
Whenever I try and explain or describe something I always seem to use a fictional narrative or imagery to explain what I mean. I think I suffer from chronic allegories.
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:21 pm
What did Chris Rock find on his face this morning?
Fresh Prints.
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:21 pm
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:22 pm
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that lies on the floor?
Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs balanced on a plinth?
Art.
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:23 pm
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that lies on the floor?
Matt.
Oi.
I resemble that joke.
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:24 pm
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
bob
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a paper bag?
russel
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:31 pm
what do call a monkey in a minefield?
a baboom
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:32 pm
whays brown and smells of pine?
a poo in a radox bath
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:34 pm
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with one leg?
Steak.
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:36 pm
what's ET short for?
cos he's got little legs
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:39 pm
I just saw a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.
It was a lamb bikini 😐
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:39 pm
Why did the monkey fall out the tree?
Cos it was dead.
Why did the chicken fall out the tree?
Cos it was stapled to the monkey!
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:40 pm
Whats red and invisible?
No tomatoes
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:40 pm
Why did the baker have smelly fingers?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:46 pm
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me !!
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:46 pm
Why did the monkey fall out the tree?
Cos it was dead.
Why did the 2nd monkey fall out the tree?
Cos it was stapled to the 1st monkey
Why did the 3rd monkey fall out the tree?
Cos it thought it was a game
Why did the tree fall over?
Cos it thought it was a monkey
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphry
What do you call a camel with 4 humps?
Saudi Quattro
Why do they call the camel the Ship of the Desert?
Because it is full of Arab seamen
How do you get 4 elephants in a mini?
2 in the front and 2 in the back
How can you tell if there is an elephant in the fridge?
Footprints in the butter
How can you tell if there are 2 elephants in the fridge?
Sounds of giggling
How can you tell if there are 3 elephants in the fridge?
You can't shut the door
How can you tell if there are 4 elephants in the fridge?
There is an empty mini parked outside
Who do you get 2 whales in a mini?
Down the M4 and over the bridge
I spent a lot of my childhood on long boring car journeys.
Posted : 29/03/2022 11:52 pm
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
Posted : 30/03/2022 12:11 am
What's brown and sticky?
....a stick.
What's green and hangs from trees?
.... giraffe snot.
Posted : 30/03/2022 12:12 am
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
Posted : 30/03/2022 12:16 am
What does 100mph on a washing line?
Hondapants
(Literally the only joke I can remember. I am not fun at parties)
Posted : 30/03/2022 12:26 am
What’s brown and sticky?
My Beyoncé poster…….
Posted : 30/03/2022 12:27 am
What did the pirate say 1 year after he turned 79?
Aye Matey.
Posted : 30/03/2022 12:30 am
What’s brown and sticky?
My Beyoncé poster…….
The joke for all occasions, anyone risking a ban for ver3?
Posted : 30/03/2022 12:50 am
What do you call a woman who throws all her bills in the fire?
Bernadette.
Posted : 30/03/2022 12:55 am
Why's Edward Woodward got so many D's in his name?
Because without them he'd be E-war Woo-war
Posted : 30/03/2022 12:58 am
We're a big fan of comedy here, my wife loves knob gags.
I can't ever persuade her to wear one though.
Posted : 30/03/2022 1:14 am
1: My wife went on holiday recently.
2. Jamaica?
1. No, she went of her own choice.
Posted : 30/03/2022 7:27 am
1: My wife went on holiday recently.
2. Jamaica?
1. No, she went of her own choice.
My wife went to Indonesia.
Jakarta?
No, she went by plane.
Posted : 30/03/2022 10:16 am
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me !!
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
Oi.
I resemble that joke.
Posted : 30/03/2022 10:18 am
andrewh reacted
Bon, Darth Vader se trouve dans la boulangerie.
Alors, tu sais ce qu'il commande?
Il commande deux tartes tatin et trois pains.
Et tu sais comment il leur commande?
PAIN, PAIN, PAIN, TARTE TATIN, TARTE TATIN...
Posted : 30/03/2022 10:24 am
Bon, Darth Vader se trouve dans la boulangerie.
Alors, tu sais ce qu’il commande?
Il commande deux tartes tatin et trois pains.
Et tu sais comment il leur commande?
PAIN, PAIN, PAIN, TARTE TATIN, TARTE TATIN…
Possibly a crap joke if you're French, but I thought that was pretty classy
Posted : 30/03/2022 10:27 am
What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
– Edward Woodward
What do you call a man made entirely of body parts?
– Tony Hancock
Posted : 30/03/2022 10:30 am
I would tell you a joke about pizza, but it's a bit cheesy
Posted : 30/03/2022 10:33 am
What’s blue and fluffy?
Blue fluff.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Blue fluff holding its breath.
Posted : 30/03/2022 10:46 am
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.
An alligator can live to be 100 years old which is why there is an high chance it will see you later.
Janet Street-Porter goes into a bar and says "Could I have a large aperitif?" The barman replies "its unlikely darling".
Posted : 30/03/2022 10:59 am
Why do you never see elephants playing hide and seek? Because they're good at it.
Posted : 30/03/2022 11:03 am
I went to the zoo last weekend. There was only a small long-haired dog there. It was a Shih Tzu.
Posted : 30/03/2022 11:10 am
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.
Posted : 30/03/2022 11:13 am
Did you hear about the French fishmonger who killed his cheating wife and her lover?
French police are calling it a crime of poisson.
Posted : 30/03/2022 11:14 am
Beethoven joue le piano
Orange, Orange, Orange,
Hmm, non, non, non,
Banane, banane, banane,
Hmm, non, non, non,
Pomme, Pomme Pomme!!!!
Posted : 30/03/2022 11:14 am
My sister works at the gas board if you want to meet her? (Meet her, meter - Geddit??)
Posted : 30/03/2022 11:24 am
What do you call a man who's been dead for 300yrs? Pete
What do you call a man who's legs have been cut off at the knees? Neil
What do you call a fisherman who's legs have been cut of at the knees? Rodney
What cheese do you use to lure a bear out of the woods? Camembert
Posted : 30/03/2022 11:25 am
A polar bear walks into a bar and says "can I have a ..........................................................................................................................................pint of beer?"
Barman says "what's with the big pause?"
Posted : 30/03/2022 11:31 am
A liar, a racist and a misogynist walk into a pub and the barman says 'what can I get you Boris?'
Posted : 30/03/2022 11:37 am
I went to the zoo last weekend. There was only a small long-haired dog there. It was a Shih Tzu.
I think I've been to the same zoo. When I visited they just had a cage with a baguette in it. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Posted : 30/03/2022 11:43 am
What cheese do you use to lure a bear out of the woods? Camembert
What cheese do you use to disguise a horse?
Mascarpone.
Posted : 30/03/2022 11:45 am
My girlfriend loves cheese so much, she had me paint her in the stuff. Twice.
I double-glossed her.
Posted : 30/03/2022 11:46 am
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