MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
Monk finger...
Oh the welfare of my son is top drawer I can assure you. I'd have walked a long time ago...but for the fact that circumstances have kept us together. It's not that I don't love her.. Of course I do. But a life of only being hours away from the next argument is quite a difficult one to contemplate.
IMHO intervention is required especially if it ends up in physical altercation
Best of luck
Ah yes, the 'irrationality' of any given female rather consorts the notion of calling a physician, a 'holiday' i think, dear? Off you go, see you after you've been succesfully medicated and morally corrected, toodle-pip, bye, don't weep so, am rather fond of you, do remember to smile for the nice doctors (gently shuts door, tiptoes to beer).
+1 for couples counselling, always a difficult first step especially where tender egos are involved, and arguments both create ego friction and are fuelled by it. A cycle to break, need to get down to what you love about each other, back to the beginning... (two pence hard earned after 12 yrs of marriage and separation etc)
The arguing is not great but physical violence is not on, if it were you who hit her you would be in jail by now.
I would seek some professional help, keeping your head down for the sake of your kid will not end well if you are both unhappy.
I used the phrase "the extreme side of normal". From what you are saying, this falls the other side of that line. Seek professional help.
This is a very good point:
Worth mentioning, if you're always arguing your son will likely grow up believing that 'having a go over nothing' is a perfectly acceptable way to behave to people
Also, there was a link posted here a few days ago about how being in a stressful relationship is very bad for your health.
Just learning to say "yes dear" won't help you or your little one at all.
If it helps at all my wife is similar in this way to the OP's, used to have arguments that ended in her getting upset as she tried to continue to argue that black was white. Now I tend to say that we're not going to agree and no point discussing anymore. I remember my parents arguing a lot, these days I don't think they do at all, age can change things - maybe just careless about 'winning'? Winning is impossible if there has to be a loser so try to go for win-win and don't back the illogical person into a corner. In the olden days women used to get a slap but can't do that now....
Think about what you're saying, why you're saying it, and how it might sound to her.
Partner- I've just had to give our baby boy some calpol as he had a temperature
Me- oh poor lad what was it?
Partner- 37.0
Me- that's not a temperature is it ?
"I think you're wrong"
Partner- well I know but err that's what we call a temp on the ward
Me- really.. Normal body temp is 37.0 is it not. ?
"I think you're wrong"
Partner -ah I knew that but our ward is different
Me- sure, so you'd give paracetamol as a pyretic to someone with a temp of 37.0
"I think you're wrong, and I'm using sarcasm to demonstrate this"
Partner- ah if there temp is 37.5 we give paracetamol.
Me - but Our sons temp was 37.0??
Partner - yeah but that's what we do in hospital !!!???
Having a small child feeling unwell can be stressful, regardless of anything else that may have gone on that day. I'd venture that in the above exchange she'd have liked to have felt you were being a bit more supportive, a bit more on her side, but being supportive doesn't mean blindly agreeing with her for the sake of a quiet life. I'd bet she wouldn't want that either.
Someone said choose your battles, this is good advice. You and your partner aren't opposing lawyers in a courtroom, you don't have to win every single difference of opinion. In that conversation she sounded defensive, you sounded confrontational. That's not going to end well.
That's not going to end well.
well it sounds like it sometimes ends in violence....
I feel your pain about the near constant arguing... My wife has, since the failure of our last round of IVF and the loss of our second daughter at 21 weeks (long story, involving an horrendous 12 month period, maybe another time), been in a confrontational mood pretty much constantly. I put this down to the near constant drinking in the evening.
Unfortunately, me pointing out that drinking a bottle of wine a night is not healthy for her, whatever she might be going through with both stress from work and the failed IVF, leads to an argument. However, I really don't want to see her hurting herself of getting ill, so I try to stop her drinking, or at least, drinking as much. This has caused us to have some really quite serious arguments.
Before anyone says anything, counselling is out. She refuses to talk to anyone that has not been through the same thing that she has (i.e. IVF and the loss of two children at c. 20 weeks) and _will not_ talk to anyone anyway because she does not trust them. She sees any attempt by me to talk to other people about this as a massive breach of trust and this has, in itself, caused huge arguments.
Oddly, when she has not been drinking she's a totally different person and when she was pregnant life was fantastic. The trouble comes when something causes her to get stressed (i.e. her job, lack of sleep or something) and then she gets home from work and fires up a glass of wine. Last night she did that and was on the phone for three hours to various poeple, blaming me for our phones being shit because they kept running out. When I pointed out to her that she had been on the phone for three hours, so it's not unreasonable that a phone would run out, she got in a strop.
There are times, some times, when I think I should leave, but when she's not drinking, she's a different person. Also, if I'm not there to look after her, I dread to think what would happen.
OP, sound's like she needs to learn to control her temper.
How about a "Naughty Step" or a "timeout" ?
Sometimes life deals some really crap cards doesn't it?
OP, I'm with 2tyred on this one. Your line of questioning - whether you're aware or not - was leading nowhere except to her being wrong, personally and professionally (she works on a ward) so naturally she's defensive. If you didn't understand her actions or reasoning you need to say exactly that.
In view of her hitting you, I think some mutual empathy - and possibly help - is required.
How about a "Naughty Step" or a "timeout" ?
Probably not the best issue to belittle with comments like that. 🙄
Jesus willard, I just had to read your post through twice. You're having a pretty shit time - the loyalty you're showing means you must be a decent and strong chap. I wish you all the best. Don't forget to bend a mate's ear every so often to get this stuff off your chest.
If my wife started hitting me I'd walk - Life is too short and some things are beyond redemption. Why would you stay? Misery loves company they say, I'd not be on for that..
@willard - sounds like your wife needs to acknowledge the fact that she has a problem. Alcoholics aren't just people that you see in the street, they are anybody that uses alcohol to self medicate to deal with their emotions/circumstances. It's a symptom of something else (in your case - likely the IVF).
It's a very fast downward spiral that doesn't often change until the alcoholic hits rock bottom. You need to recognise that now at this early stage and seek some help for you and your partner before things get too out of control.
@williard, until she recocnises that she has an alcohol problem there is nothing you can do.
Once the switch goes on in her brain then,, and only then can any treatment be effective.
I have made great progress in clearing my garage out, and have moved my radio and a chair in there. I'm not 100% sure MrsDummy even knows what's where I am most evenings. 🙂
Incidentally, the point about talking to the father-in-law - I go rather the other way on that. MrsDummy and I had an absolutely disastrous (rather than merely poor) relationship for about 5 years after we were married. She regarded that as an entirely private matter and pretended vigorously to her parents that everything was fine. They eventually found out when I left that this wasn't true, and were incredibly upset that they had not been confided in. I'm not sure, but it's entirely possible I could have saved us years of unpleasantness by simply ignoring her idea that our problems had to be concealed from everyone who might reasonably have cared. 😕
Alcoholics aren't just people that you see in the street, they are anybody that uses alcohol to self medicate to deal with their emotions/circumstances
So very, very much worth repeating.
Best of luck willard.
Sorry to be lazy and not read all the previous comments but from the OP it sounds like me and the EX . Yes in Know.
We ended up having daily arguments over simple things and they would, like yourself, be triggered by simply asking for more details about a subject we were talking about which I always thought was the point of a conversation. Inevitably it got to the point that these conversations would turn in to arguments which always seemed totally ridiculous.
Unfortunately in our case it didn’t end rosily as we went through counselling to try and find out why this was happening and we were struggling. This worked for a while and then it transpired that the Ex felt she was being bullied through counselling. This didn`t happen by the way but I guess she felt because she had to answer difficult questions truthfully it seemed like she was being bullied.
So the long and short of it was that we just didn`t communicate unless necessary. I sometimes wish that this hadn’t have happened but on reflection did everything I could to be open, honest and communicate as well as possible.
Needless to say we have split up and still can’t agree on stuff or communicate, which can be tricky as we have two kids.
Maybe try counselling, individually and or together, as I’m sure it works for lots of people. Whatever happens I hope you work it out.
All the best.
Yeah my partner has always been like this, and lashing out is hitting. Not often but when very angry yeah she hits.
You need more help than STW can give you I think. if the tables were turned and she was the bloke, would you put up with this? I woudn't, I'd be calling the police and kicking him out. If you want to save the relationship, you need relate or similar.
People get in to an argument cycle and it is hard to break but we are all in control of what our attitude is. If we set out to have a positive attitude in our relationships pull away from the 'Chimp paradox' (saw it mentioned on another thread title) then things will improve over the coming weeks.
Pleasantness should become the normal mode, arguments will always happen though.
There's a happy medium to be struck though. I back away from conflict so much that (along with always expecting the worst - though to be fair on a couple of occasions it's actually been even worse than I expect) nothing ever gets resolved. Not that I'm sure there are any solutions - I think I might now be onto the path of making myself disliked as it doesn't seem that's likely to make things any worse when I don't think my "partner" has deliberately made any physical contact with me this year 🙁
Sounds like counselling maybe a good idea. Even if its as a mediator or someone to step in when the argument is going a little to far south. Plenty of couples go through bad patch's and its about working them out, a counciler will not look at you As the bad person and will listen to both people with out judgement that's there job.
y self and partner have been to counselling for depression, it turned out i was the cause of her depression,and my work at the time was causing my attitude. Basically had to choose my career or her, she wins every time. now I am slightly less happy in my new career but much happier in every other aspect of life and her depression has faded into a distant memory.