[Closed] Commuters - insults you''ve been proud of

Fat c*nt!

(I'm not very witty on my bike)

a chap was pushing one of those wheeled cages full of milk bottles from his truck to the supermarket. he walked straight out in front of me, only just stopping when he saw me, causing me to swerve round him and all the milk to fall out of the trolley. i glared and shouted, as i whizzed past, "don't cry mate!" 😆

Usually I give nothing but a *sarcastic* slow shake of my head.

But once I followed someone into a carpark and tw*tted him in the face. Does that count?

(I am 5'7'', slim build and really should have known better but fortunately for me he didn't retaliate as he was a big u****er and in the van with his equally large son)

EDIT: And in my defence he had just literally forced me off the road because I was, in his words, 'in his way'.

Less an insult, but I've been amused by it none the less.

Folding in the passenger side mirror, saying through the window "Well, you obviously don't use it."

Folding in the passenger side mirror, saying through the window "Well, you obviously don't use it."

My (blonde, white, feminine) wife once had a brilliantly random insult directed at her as she rode her bike through Edinburgh.

Bloke staggers out the pub and shouts at her:

[i]"Who do you think you are? Linford ****in Christie?"[/i]

Genius.

Not an insult, but:

Annoyed Motorist: "Oi! Do you always walk out in front of cars?!"

Smug PhilO: "Only in pedestrian areas."

to a gril who drive like a lunatic moron...
You know if you keep driving like that you'll grow a cock.

I once called a man "sweetheart" and blew him a kiss after he gave me a load of verbal abuse. Not witty but it ended his rant immediately.

I can claim no credit whatsoever for this, but it is one of the finest one-liners I have ever heard being delivered in any context.

I roll up to a red light and there's an arguement between a taxi driver and a messenger about use of Advance Stop Lines. Messenger says to taxi man;

"If you ever see a box with a picture of a fat c*nt in it, you can stop your taxi in that".

Still makes me chuckle about 2 years later.

I always get the classic and very well thought up:-

"get a car"

to which i reply:-

"lay off the biscuits"

Stu_N

That's great!

Few years ago in my old little pugeot that I was driving, bold head tattooed man cuts me up in Old Range Rover, give him horn and finger, he stops at light both lower windows and have a bit of verbal, across his quite fit gf.

I change tack and chat her up, next three sets of light as well, gets him livid, do not think girl liked him as she kept talking and burst out laughing when I called him a fat Cu*t.

I once called a man "sweetheart" and blew him a kiss after he gave me a load of verbal abuse. Not witty but it ended his rant immediately.

I'm actually in an ongoing dispute with a DHL driver and this has been my tactic, waveing, winking and calling him sweetheart, It's really starting to pish him off every morning.

A young lad who used to work with me started getting into cycling but couldn't afford a lot of the kit and during one winter his mum had knitted him a balaclava for the cold nights.
I was behind him when he wore it for the first time going through Wrexham town centre, The amount of abuse he got was amazing from various cars "Suicide Biker", "Osama" "Taliban" being shouted everywhere. He never wore it again.

a group of young ladies in a car passed me and shouted "go the white dude!"

wasn't really sure what to make of that but i took it as supportive.

When i caught them up at the next set of lights and leant on the roof with one hand and asked what was that in a non-threatening manner they werent quite so talkative and were shrinking with embarrassment.

Lady and daughter drive past me in a nice new car on a tight bend that close I could see what book her daughter was reading!

At the lights I cycled up to the open passenger window and listened to the abuse coming from the driver, the usual stuff about bikes should not be on the road, not paying tax, etc.

I said in a calm and quiet voice to the daughter "do the world a favour and don't grow up like your mum"

Mum went mental!

😉

(not mine but I've used it)

'Your wheels are going round mate!'

'So's your mother!'

Sort out of relevant to this thread is the following from a bike shop owner:

One of my regular customers recounted this, the other day; he’s in his 80’s silver grey hair, cycles all over the world.

Anyway the other week he was cycling up by Achnasheen,(single track roads with passing places), when a car passes him, and the driver offers words of encouragement: "Going well young man" etc

Some time later, he can hear another car behind him, this time the horn is sounded. Then, It’s sounded again, a little louder. So he twists round, and gives them two fingers. The horn goes again, So, he sticks two fingers up again.

By now he’s now shouting. "I can’t make myself F*&!#ng Invisible !"

So he pulls over and the driver gets out the car.

It was the same guy, who had given him the encouragement. He had returned with a lunch pack he’d just made up, including cold drink wrapped in an ice pack, freshly made sandwiches etc.

A fat woman cut me up on a roundabout but then had to stop as her exit was blocked so I stoped took both hands off the bars and did a mime of "holding a knife and fork and stuffing my ****ing face with food".
The woman walking her kids to school that saw me do it was bent double laughing and was quite embarrased to laugh about it in fornt of her kids 😆
I've also donned comedy glasses using my fingers to speccy te@ts that have done similar.

Yes I'm a childish ****.

Never really get time to hurl insults. I usually just get to question their observation before they drive off. I have, while driving, been asked/told I must have a really small penis due to my choice of car, which I thought was particularly odd seeing as I was driving carfully in the inside lane and had come up behind a moron in a rotten, barely roadworthy eurobox stopped for no apparent reason in the outside lane. I just smiled and drove off. The guy was fuming behind me in the next queue.

not a commuting incident but a fat bloke wearing an aquafresh coloured stripey shirt who wanted a go on my bike down the pub. When I said 'no' he decided he wanted a fight, got all aggressive and shouted some abuse and threats at me. when he stopped for a second I burst out laughing and just blurted out 'what the **** are you? a tube of toothpaste?!'

I was drunk and it was a risky tactic but everyone just laughed, probably at my ridiculous insult, but he wound his neck in!

Cycling thro' the middle of Melbourne a year or so ago on my way to work when a minibus passed me and the front-seat passenger leant out and roared at me (aimed at being amusing to his fellow passengers). A little later on the minibus had stopped at some lights up ahead. I 'crept' upon my bike and roared back at him. He jumped out of his skin (short memeory or what). Thankfuly he and his fellow passengers pissed themselves laughing and when they finally passed me after the lights they gave me a big 'thimbs up'. Brightened my day up

i got "who do you think you are- streethawk?" by some guy having a fag outside a pub in the rougher end of chelsea
as i hopped off a kerb and pedalded my ass off with my leds beaming away

the thing is i dont think the younger lady he was trying to impress hada clue who streethak was i on the other hand was loving it
[img] [/img]

By now he’s now shouting. "I can’t make myself F*&!#ng Invisible !"

So he pulls over and the driver gets out the car.

It was the same guy, who had given him the encouragement. He had returned with a lunch pack he’d just made up, including cold drink wrapped in an ice pack, freshly made sandwiches etc.

lol

in scotland last month a camper van gave us a friendly beep as it went past on a very rainy A road, a slightly miserable mrsMW gave it a two fingered salute after jumping to the conclusion it was being aggressive.

It was my parents 😆

I should say that they didn't notice so i made a point of pointing it out as they gave us a cup of teas and some mum baked cake in the next layby

Not verbals, but in the past when I was being hassled by some twunt in his car, I cycled round and opened the rear left-side passenger door.

Being belted in, he couldn't reach round to shut it, so had to get out of his car, walk around, shut it, and walk back to the driver's side, all the accompaniment of derisive hoots from the other motorists stuck behind him.

Or just ride away

http://news.ca.msn.com/top-stories/cbc-article.aspx?cp-documentid=21443250

jakester

use that one all the time, that and folding in mirrors or opening the boot

After coming very close to being wiped out by a bus I eventually caught up with it at the next stop, pulled up a under the tw*ts window and suggested that if he wanted to get a bit closer to me next time I could take my pants off.

I once was filtering between 2 rows of gridlock cars when a mars bar wrapper came out the window of one, I stopped and chucked it back in saying you dropped that mate, made me chucklefor weeks.

Yesterday, by a white van in glasgow:

"Go Lance! Go!"
"The ****ING yellow jersey is in your sight"
"Common Lance!"
"Go Lance! Go!"

I was riding with a bunch of kids cycle training them in Chiswick High Road. As we stopped for pedestrians crossing the road a car tried to cut into the group. I blocked it only to receive a long and colourful description of my manhood, brain etc from the car driver. As soon as she stopped to take a breath, one of the girls said "Hello, mum!". Never since has the silence been so sweet.

I've used this one a few times in heated exchanges after a metal box dweller has considered getting somewhere quickly is more important than my life.

'Were you born a c*nt, or have you had to work really hard to be one?'

My fave is 'you can take your car and shove it up your bollocks mate' (I like the look of confusion and panic they get 🙂 )

said to some fat bastard in a range rover who gave me a load of grief:

"f*ck off back to burger king you salad dodging tw*t"

I was very nearly hit by a screeching BMW coming onto a big island in Dudley (Pegasus for the locals). I gesticulated as he sped off down the road, and saw his brake lights come on. I caught up, he got out like he was tenmen and said "you give cyclists a bad name".

I replied that he gave fat c*nts a bad name. Words were exchanged, he ended up on his bonnet.

I'm sensing a lot of anger in the room.

^ that BMW driver hadn't done a million miles. That's why he was so shit.

Nice work there Barry.

Some years ago when I was a thin roadie I'd pulled up at some traffic lights on the local high street , some chav(ette) in a saxo pulled up coming the other way and shouted,

'phwoar look at the package on that' at about 150 decibels,

I replied ,

' yes , and it still wouldn't fill your mouth'

cue red face 😳

At the height of the Festina affair in the 1998 TDF I was passing a local pub on my road bike when a lad sat out the front shouted "got any drugs mate"
I just burst out laughing and he gave me the thumbs up, not threatening or insulting but made think at least he was paying attention when the news was on.

Another episode where humour played down the situation was when a bloke did a U turn in front of me straight out of a parking slot, I was just about to launch into him after his "sorry I didn't see you" when his wife piped up "bloody hell Stan you need your eyes tested he's dressed like an explosion in a paint factory"
I think I said something like "Thanks love" but didn't know whether to be grateful or insulted (this was at the height of Fluro Euro roadie kit)

I find overtaking at the next set of traffic lights satisfaction enough for most incidents. "Gobbing" on the worse offenders displays my distaste appropriately, but mostly i just get on with my day safe in the knowledge that there is far more than "one born every day".

jakester, i do the same thing! open the doors, fold the mirrors and ride slowly just infront of his grill. I'm an angry b@5tard on a bike...

I'm regretting the fact my commute is 99% cyclepath.

Top thread.

Got overtook by a bus who then forced me into the barriers, proceedeed to followed the ****t for the next 2 miles, every time he stopped- lights/bus stops would stop the engine with the emergency engine stop button, open the doors with the external button!
When it got to my turn off, did the above and pulled the windscreen wipers off the screen so they where sticking straight out as he went off down the road (when he got his engine going again) 😆

I've managed to smash a couple of door mirrors the wrong way on cars overlapping the cycle lane alongside the main road I have to ride along. As I usually wear gloves with carbon knuckle protection this is a painless retaliation. Once out riding on a fairly narrow country road a bunch of Saxo driving tw@s had to stop behind a tractor. As I rode past on the inside, the knob in the passenger seat lobbed a can of Coke out the window, barely missing me. I stopped, picked it up and rode after the slow moving convoy, where I lobbed it back into the lap of the passenger, saying, 'I think you dropped this'. It was half-full. I legged it and turned off before the soaked idiot could catch me. Childish satisfaction from seeing his light coloured trousers soaked in the crotch with Coke. 😆

I got called gay by a guy in a pink shirt driving an audi TT, purple....
I know I can't make a judgement on a person's sexuality based on such shallow information, but come on!

DrP

I am rarely provoked however my top 3 lines of attack are:

1) The folding the mirror back one - but Ive never thought to yell back that they dont use 'em 🙂

2) Anything random based on the offender being a fat ****

3) "Big mac and fries please" to soap dodging students and teenage boys

DrP maybe he was trying to hit on you.

I got a load of verbal from some fat salad dodger the other day because she didn't like the fact I I'd not long before passed her by filtering between two lanes of stationary cars. I catch her up again and just squirt about a third of a water bottle over her windscreen. I nearly fell off my bike laughing when she caught me up as she had her passanger window down and was desperatly trying to fling the contents of a bottle of water at me. I don't think any of it got out of the car, it just all went over her seat. All i could think to say was "I'm surprised it's not diet coke".

I overtook (by filtering) a number of cars at some traffic lights. The guy right behind me revved the engine of his beemer 330 and went around me without waiting for the green light. He then stopped down the road, jumped out and ran towards you shouting [i]Who the f... gave you the right to do it?![/i]

i would of rode straight into him hairy chested!!!

Directed at me 😳 when I rather made a mess of parking a car many years ago -
" Got a driving license?"
"Yes"
" pass a test or from the back of a cornflake packet?"

Amused me.

I have shouted " hope yer next craps a pineapple" at errant motorists or simply "thrombus"

Everytime we go out on the tandem someone will say "shes not peddalling on the back" every ****ing time. it wasn't funny once - it certainly aint now

No need for that, my tyres could've got dirty 😉

I have been known to take business cards for the driving school i used to work for out with me on the bike and hand them to the stupid people. They dont like that at all. 🙂

Used to be a bit shouty back in the day, but having been a messanger for 4 years now, i don't get vexxed (i would die from anger) but...if someone really bugs me then i get ahead of them(if poss) then use the road in a manner which renders me unpassable..have done it for nearly 2 mins before now with the driver of said car blatantly stuck behind me and mad....then get to a red light, jump it leaving driver even more stuck and off you go...very childish but highly satisfying. No words exchanged.

Riding through the beautiful village of Ballingry, one of the local yoofs shouted out [I]I'm your biggest fan[/i] - what can you say to that?

Ha, some amusing insults on here... To be honest, i just ignore it most of the time, or if not, i cant catch the car up. One time though, i got cut up by a white pick up, to which i shouted something after them,( cant remember what...) the driver then slowed down, and said what did you call me? Once again cant remember xactly what i shouted back, but rode past. next thing i know, he's cut me up, forced me to stop and jumped out with a crowbar in his hand. I've never pedalled as quickly.

I head of someone once pouring their water over a driver in a convertible... And another one about some guy reaching in, turning off the engine and chucking the keys into a field....

Not so much an insult. Some lads pased me in a car and all screamed out the window at me scaring me shitless. I caught them in traffic further down the road and crept up on them and screamed through the open passenger window at them as loud as I could. They absolutely crapped themselves.

"Scary, isn't it?", I suggested.

Their wide eyed look coupled with their soiled underpants would indiciate they agreed with me.

The closest I've come to wit in such a situation was when [i]another[/i] pedestrian stepped into the road without looking. I slammed the brakes on, she went all rabbit in the headlights and froze, I managed to stop just in front of her, all 'WTF eyes' then [i]very[/i] calmly said 'nice one', and cycled onwards. She looked like she was expecting a string of expletive-laden invective before I opened my mouth, so I thought there would be no point in actually delivering it.

Long may this thread live. Pure entertainment.

I got heavily beeped by a bearded bloke when I was coming off a roundabout after quite a lengthy and strenuous road ride. I had no idea what I was supposed to have done, except that I usually take an assertive position on the road. As he passed I shook my head and muttered something, noticing that he had a rather attractive young lady in the passenger seat. He then stopped the car ahead of me and shouted through his window as I passed him "Did you swear at my daughter?"

I stopped, looked her up and down and said "She doesn't [b]look[/b] like a fat bearded tw^t. Actually she's rather do-able." Her reaction showed that she appreciated the remark and I rode off chuckling.

It still brings a smile to my face weeks later.

duntmatter, I get that regularly at the end of my ride into work. I just say "death by ipod?" as it's normally the reason they're miles away.

Riding to work one day a builder stepped off the pavement without looking. I managed to stop and shouted "Boo!" at the top of my voice.

He jumped a good foot in the air, as did the coffee he was carrying. And his mates wet themselves laughing at him!

Catching the pedestrian zombies by suprise never fails to amuse me.

Banned from wearing lycra in the office where I used to work because:

My Boss:
"The old lady complained they could see your bits too much but the others don't mind" 8)

[img] [/img]

When out of shape last year a pal said "Hey you have moobs" 👿 (6 months of dieting later... 8)

well I was pedaling back home once on a road with island in the middle. Was on e the right hand side of the road (kerb side here) but space wasn't enough for a ****t in a 4x4 who give me some very agressive beeping. I lost it and shown him my longer finger (means **** you over here). Next thig the guy tried to force me out of the road twice, succed on the third when he gets out of the car (feeling very confident that he was 15 cm taller and 25 kg of fat heavier) I start shouting at hil that he almost killed me when he slap me on the head (on the helmet). Now I am usually very calm and mannered. But I kind of lost it. When someone from the café went out to separate us, his nose, eybrow and lips was bleeding. Told him that if that happened again I wouldn't eb so nice. Guys overtook me loment later being all apologiesitic (spelling?).
Now I think that was very stupid. What if he had a gun or a knife :s.

This wasn't commuting, or on a pushbike for that matter, but it was still ****ing brilliant... Last year I was on a big motorbike rideout, and one of the leaders got cut up by a van, and gave him some verbal then took off. Shortly after she stopped to mark a junction, and the van driver sees her, jumps off, and starts screaming at her... Then turns around and sees the rest of the rideout coming to the rescue, all hundred and ten of us it was perfect... And every one of us got to have a go as we rode off. He was pretty lucky I think just to get verballed to death.

I'm pretty calm personally, have had cans thrown at me, general verbal, the one that really disgusted me was when the passenger in a clapped out Cavalier tried to gob on me as they came past.

But one thing I'd really love to do would be to ride up to someone on the phone in their car, open the door, take the phone off them, then calmly announce to the other person on the line that the driver can't talk as they're driving. And then throw the phone as far as i possibly could. Or even just place it gently on the pavement so they have to get out and go and get it.

Everytime we go out on the tandem someone will say "shes not peddalling on the back" every ****ing time. it wasn't funny once - it certainly aint now

The best one I've managed to somebody who cut me up: touring on the tandem in France, and got a car passing with far too little space - obvious that the reason for not getting the usual consideration over there was due to the GB plates. Caught up with them a fair way later in the traffic jam entering the next tourist town - knocked on the window "you know sometimes I'm ashamed to be British". Driver was cringing in his seat (was speaking over his wife in the passenger seat), and I suspect unlike most of those on this thread the point was made.