MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
As it says above, I am failing in a corny joke fest.... my limited supply has run out and I am becoming desperate!
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine...
Two cows in a field in Glasgow - which one is on holiday ? The one with the wee calf.
Two goldfish in a tank - what does one say to the other ? How the hell do you drive this thing ?
How does Bob Marley like his donuts ? Wi' jammin.
(you did ask)
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Two snowmen if a field, one says 'Can you smell carrot?'
The other thinks 'Amazing, a talking snowman!'
Two birds on a perch, one says 'Can you smell fish?'
Where do you weigh whales? At a railway station (Best done by someone who can't pronounce their r's)
WorldClassAccident - Member
Two snowmen if a field, one says 'Can you smell carrot?'
The other thinks 'Amazing, a talking snowman!'
"No but I can taste coal !"
two cannibals eating a clown. one says to the the other
"does this taste funny to you?"
this might not work if you're not Scottish
Ask someone "where's Santa Fe?"
Most people will say America or California, which is funny, because I always thought he was fae Lapland
Did you know circumcisions are now free on the NHS. You don't have to pay but you're welcome to leave a tip
My dog has no nose..... you know the rest.
What did zero say to eight?
Your belt is a bit tight.
My dog has no nose..... you know the rest.
I say, I say I say, my dog's got no nose
How does he smell?
He can't smell, I just told you he has no nose.
(The late, great Spike Milligan).
Why did the baker have smelly fingers?
Because he kneaded a poo.
.......................no-eye-deer.........................still no-eye-deer
fill in the gaps
Magician working on a cruise ship. The ship has a parrot who always spoils the magicians tricks.
The magician deals some cards and the parrot shouts "It's the Ace of clubs! It's the Ace of clubs!".
The magician wheels in a box to saw his assistant in half, the parrot shouts "There's a false bottom in the box! There's a false bottom in the box!".
This goes on all through the magician's act.
That night the ship sinks! The magician finds a life raft and as it floats along the parrot lands in the boat and just stares at the magician. Days go by and the parrot keeps staring at him.
On the 4th day the parrot says "OK, I give up... What did you do with the boat?"
Best done in you finest Oirish accent...
Local priest is doing his round and pops in to see the local farmer. While he's having a cup of tea he notices a pig wonder round with a wooden leg. The priest asks the farmer how the pig ended up with a wooden leg.
"Well father, that pig there amazing story, last week my barn was on fire and little johnny and little mary were trapped inside
"That pig there dug under the barn door and pulled the two of them out by there collars and saved them both"
"Amazing" says the priest "What a story, but why the wooden leg?"
"Well father" says the farmer "You don't eat a pig like that all at once"
why did the hedgehog cross the road?
to see his flatmate .
when is a car like a frog?
when it's being toad.
what do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
a hoppercraft.
what is small , furry and good at swordfights?
a mouseketeer.
how does dracula keep fit?
he plays batminton.
on which side does a tiger have most of his stripes?
the outside.
Courtesy of Tommy Cooper:
1. Phone answering machine message - “...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...”
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
11. “Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.” “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. “ “Is it common? “ “It’s not unusual.”
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “ “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “ ,“No, because he’s really heavy”
13. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there any more”
22. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
What should you do if you see a space man?
Park in it man!
Did you know, nobody in Yemen likes the Flintstones.
Which is funny, because people in Abu Dhabi do.
My mate sells old clockwork toys down the market. He's a proper wind-up merchant.
Whats brown & sticky ?
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A stick.
The bee's have gone on strike; their demanding more honey and less flowers.
Why dont communist's like Earl Grey? Because all property is theft.
I've got a racing snail, but he's not very good. To try and make him lighter and thus faster I took his shell off. It didn't work it though it just made him slugish.
Thanyouverymush
Fantastic! Keep 'em coming! 🙂
coming out of the supermarket yesterday, a man hits me over the head with a bottle of milk, and throws a tub of butter at me, well I thougt, how dare...ee.
hey maaan, what are hippies for?
hanging your leggies on, man
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
WHat do you call a man with a pig on his head? Hamed
What do you call a man with 2 pigs on his head? Mohammed
What do you call a man with 2 pigs on his head standing inbetween 2 buildings? Mohammed Ali
What's worse than a cardboard box? Paper tits. 🙂
I've just had a strange text message "ANGB" ....That's bang out of order!
An English cat called One Two Three challenged a french cat called Un Deux Trois to a swimming race.
The English cat won..........
Un Deux Trios cat sank..
Did you hear about the donkey who won the Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field!!
What do you called a three legged donkey?
A Wonkey
What do you call a three legged donkey with only one eye?
A Winky Wonkey!!
What do you do with a wombat?
Play wom
How do you sell a deaf man a frog?
DO YOU WANT TO BUY A FROG?
Why did the monkey fall out the tree?
-It was dead
Why did the cat fall out the tree?
-It was stapled to the monkey
Why did the tree fall over?
-It thought it was a game
whats the difference between iron man and iron woman?
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.one is a super hero, one is a command.
the cow and the chicken get on a bus
the chicken sits in the middle of the seat
the cow says mooooooooooooooooove
the chicken says f uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck off