[Closed] Child stealing from home and covert CCTV / spy gadgets - any tips?

Have you asked her if she has taken the missing items?

Yes. On several occasions, and she absolutely flatly denies it to my face. I don't want to have to resort to searching her bags every time she leaves the house.

She has a bit of a track record of 'borrowing' without asking (petty stuff - clothing, stationery, make up from my wife) but things have become more serious with the disappearance of some expensive (£1500+) earrings that my wife inherited from her late Grandmother.

She doesn't live with you? How old is she?

I'm not convinced that surveillance is the way to go - I'd be wanting to maintain a relationship with her rather than risk cutting off all contact, especially if there are some other underlying issues which are triggering the thefts.

Worth chatting through with her to see what the problem is?

I know of a similar situation that ended up with the son committing suicide. He was stealing to pay for a drug habit.

See if you can get to the bottom of it.

Lives with us part time, since her mother and I separated 6 years ago I've worked really hard to maintain constancy in her life and include her in the household. It [i]is[/i] delicate, as I don't want to push her away or make her feel that there's no trust, but similarly, I can't have her taking advantage and just removing stuff from my house.

In order to challenge her I feel I need something solid to base any accusation on. ?

I'm thinking how "we've caught you on the camera we planted to catch you thieving" is going to play out to a teenage daughter.

As the owner of one (daughter, not camera) I'm going to go with a diplomatic, and probably massively understated 'not very well'

You could be about to make a bad situation a lot worse.

I don't know what the answer is, but I doubt surveillance will do anything but inflame the situation.

Hope you get it sorted. I don't envy you

@eskay - thank you - I don't think drugs are involved, but it might be a clothing / fashion habit that she is serving. Taking / 'borrowing' stuff is one issue, taking to re-sell is stealing. I have reported it to the police and insurers, and have gently talked around the issue, but as i say, she just flatly denies any wrong-doing.

There are lots of video cameras on ebay from China mostly which are tiny. Although, I think it would be a last resort to have to use them

Agree with a lot of what has been seen above.

There must be something seriously wrong if she is the one stealing stuff. I am not too sure 'proving' it is her will resolve the issues.

I am at a loss to where you can turn to. Daft as it sounds, maybe give childline a call, they maybe able to point you in the right direction? They will have certainly dealt with similar stuff in the past.

Edit: reading your last post it sounds like you need some form of mediation between yourself and daughter as it sounds like trust has completely broken down on both sides.

@binners - Thanks, and yes, agreed. 'not well' indeed. That's kind of why I posted on STW, to get some different perspectives. 🙂

@ FunkyDunc. That's not a bad suggestion, actually. cheers!

I don't want to ..... make her feel that there's no trust

What does her mum say about it? Is it worth having a tactful conversation with your former partner (without necessarily mentioning the potential thievery) to see how things are at that end?

What does her mum say about it?

I would hope OP has already been having these discussions, for the sake of the child...

Honeypot. Leave something lying around that might be attractive, see if it walks. Couple of tenners in a jacket pocket over the back of a chair or something.

He was stealing to pay for a drug habit.

Hate to say it, but that was my thought also. Could just be an act of petty teenage rebellion, but I'd expect that to be the odd missing fiver and not a £1500 ring.

Pretty sad position to be in, good luck.

@scotroutes - Yes, It's a paradoxical dilemma, but the fact is that the trust is already damaged.

@martinhutch - I have tried ( and will retry) chatting to her mum, however the last conversation about this issue resulted in my ex saying "why should I care? That bitch stole from me" (meaning my wife) and slamming the phone down. but, try again I must. and as you say, not mentioning the thievery . . .

so you install covert cctv and catch her in a state of undress, or in a compromising position or record a phone call accidently, somethings are best never recorded , if you think shes stealing ban her from the house, and await the fireworks, or find out why she is stealing, compulsive, to get her own back on you, to be petty minded, or to pay for drugs or a debt.

I have reported it to the police and insurers

How do you report that? I mean, things mysteriously going "missing" from the home, there's not a lot of possibilities here. I'd have thought the police would want to interview the prime (only?) suspect, meaning that your concern that she thinks you don't trust her is going to be amplified somewhat.

Cougar - yes, thought of that and have left a couple of baits. Also tried to allow her 'wiggle room' to return the jewellery. she may not have realised it's true value. I've also contacted most of the local jewellers to see if the earrings have been offered up for sale - nothing back on that one.

No one mentioned changing the locks ?

Dead simple, get her to prove she hasn't taken the stuff by confronting her.

Quite simple, it's called communication.

I have tried ( and will retry) chatting to her mum, however the last conversation about this issue resulted in my ex saying "why should I care? That bitch stole from me" (meaning my wife) and slamming the phone down.

Yep, not easy, but try again, gently. Somehow being united working in the interests of your kid will make your job(s) much, much easier.

If she's of school age, how about both of you agreeing to pop into school together and chat to her tutor about how she's getting on and ask some questions about her peer group and friends.

Cougar - Insurers need a police report number to pay out, and without any evidence the police cannot issue a crime number, just a 'missing property' report. The insurers were very good, paying out within a couple of days. That's not the issue; nobody involved wanted the money, we'd rather they hadn't gone missing in the first place, and in general that this wasn't the situation.

>sigh<

@ bikebouy - I don't know about you, but I don't want to live in a family home with locked doors. And how could she prove that she hadn't done something? But communication, yes, I am trying, but it is delicate.

resulted in my ex saying "why should I care? That bitch stole from me" (meaning my wife)

Two thoughts went through my mind, either drugs, or some involvement from the ex wife... ie either the ex having a habit or just being vindictive, and using the daughter.

If you ex will not listen to you, you need to write a letter/email, outlining concerns about your daughter, not accusing her of stealing, just concerns about her well being, and how you and ex can try and help your daughter.

Very complicated position and no easy answers. Just not sure the Police is the right answer...

No pudding?

Gotcha. That's pretty impressive actually, I'd imagine many insurers might be a little sceptical at the sudden "loss" of small high-value items.

the last conversation about this issue resulted in my ex saying "why should I care? That bitch stole from me" (meaning my wife) and slamming the phone down.

I wonder idly whether that's motive; has the ex put her up to it as some sort of revenge tactic?

I've also contacted most of the local jewellers to see if the earrings have been offered up for sale

Ebay?

TBH, if I were a teenage petty thief, I think I'd be fencing the goods in places like Cash Converters or market stalls rather than proper jewellery stores.

bodgy - Member
She has a bit of a track record of 'borrowing' without asking (petty stuff - clothing, stationery, make up from my wife) but things have become more serious with the disappearance of some expensive (£1500+) earrings that my wife inherited from her late Grandmother.

I'm sorry to hear that bodgy, it must be really tough and I have nothing else to offer other than I don't think camera surveillance is the answer.

Proving she has stolen it with CCTV would allow you to KNOW that she has stolen things - but sounds like you do already...

Do you want to prove to yourself she is stealing?

Or prove it to her?

Very very difficult. I'd be tempted to do the video thing, but then if it confirms things - [i]tell [/i]her you know - and [i]only [/i]talk about the video evidence if she continued to deny it, despite you having told her first that you do love her, whatever she has done, and you'd rather she was honest about it.

Very very difficult.

@funkyDunc

just being vindictive, and using the daughter.

Definitely this. without any qualms.

The letter is good advice. Thanks. The police aren't involved as a crime, just notified of missing property.

bikebouy - Member

No one mentioned changing the locks ?

Dead simple, get her to prove she hasn't taken the stuff by confronting her.

Quite simple, it's called communication.

You see, you can just tell that you've got years of conflict resolution as a UN peace negotiator under your belt there, boutros boutros ghali?

I can't foresee any difficulties whatsoever in taking that approach with a teenage girl. There you go bodgy. You've got your solution right there

Get a small safe and lock anything valuable away, if there's nothing to steal then it won't be an issue.

It's a shame that you'd have to do this but it would take away any stress from the relationship, rather than have the confrontation and the resulting fallout.

Don't get a camera to spy on a teenage girl, if that goes pear shaped then you could be in all sorts of trouble!

I have tried ( and will retry) chatting to her mum, however the last conversation about this issue resulted in my ex saying "why should I care? That bitch stole from me" (meaning my wife) and slamming the phone down. but, try again I must. and as you say, not mentioning the thievery . . .

Cod psychology here.....is this what the girl is maybe doing? Redressing the balance? (Consciously or subconsciously).

TBH, covert stuff will probably help you lose her, though if she's stealing from others then it could be what helps to get it stopped before it becomes a criminal thing.It would be good to know in advance if there's a wider problem- maybe speak to the school and see what they say? There must be a guidance teacher.

Get a small safe and lock anything valuable away, if there's nothing to steal then it won't be an issue

....unless that then compels her to steal from somewhere else that might get her into real trouble.

Cougar - yes, thanks, I'll give it a look.

@Stoatsbrother - Thank you. That is well considered advice. Thanks.

Sure it's not the new wife?

Rachel

Sure it's not [s]the new wife[/s] an elaborate ruse to pawn the wifes earrings and buy a new bike?

FTFY

@allthegear - It's not my wife; she has fought long and hard to maintain the inclusivity of our household and our relationship with both my girls. There's absolutely nothing to be gained by feigning or creating this situation. everybody is suffering.

You say you've asked local jewellers, I assume you've been around the local pawn brokers as well?

Also, covert CCTV surveillance in the bedroom could have additional issues (or benefits I guess) with the new wife 🙂

I don't have kids, but Shirley confrontation is the only clear way of either getting the kid to fess up or deny then you can move on with a clear knowledge base.

The subdifuge of setting cameras up is simply setting yourself up for mistrusting your daughter, and then finger wag proving it, or not as the case maybe.

Explaining to her that stuffs gone missing, make it clear she's under suspicion and let her come clean either way..

Clear communication, no subdifuge, no back handed behind the scenes traps.

@ cougar - The insurers offered £1500 (Full replacement cost) in vouchers that can be redeemed at accredited jewellers or £900 ish in cash (Purchase price). But yes they were quick. We'll pay for it in higher premiums eventually, i guess.

I don't have kids, but Shirley confrontation is the only clear way of either getting the kid to fess up or deny then you can move on with a clear knowledge base.

Did you read the thread, including whether he's already done this?

Yes. On several occasions, and she absolutely flatly denies it to my face. I don't want to have to resort to searching her bags every time she leaves the house.

bikebouy - Member

I don't have kids, ....

No shit? I'd never have guessed 😆

I agree with you about the cameras, but any situation like this, with a hormonal teenage girl, needs to be handled with a degree of sensitivity that a UN negotiator in the Middle East would be familar with. And similarly explosive consequences if it isn't

@bikebouy, I take your point. Cheers.

@doosuk - I'll try pawn brokers, but, fact is we're not out of pocket (aside from the sentimental value) - it's the wider trust and engagement issues that are the difficult.