[Closed] Breaking the cycle of not communicating

Be very wary of the 'blanking'. Make sure that is what is happening. You might actually be dead like Bruce Willis was in that film.

I guess that doesn't help. Sorry.

I would be going for the "if you're going to carry on blanking me there's no point in us being together" approach. A wee kick up the bum like that might just make her see sense.

A risky strategy Zulu but it doesn't sound like the OP has much to lose at this stage 😐

To be honest I don't think she's playing games. More likely it's an emotional thing. It's not like it's intense 24/7. Generally we plod along relatively happy. I always have in the back of mind how she reacts though so for the most I simply don't broach things. But when I do try to talk the shutters come down.
I know we have problems in other parts of the relationship but if we can't actually talk we never get over any of these hurdles. They just stack up one after the other until it gets to the point were you can't see the light anymore.

The biggest problem is communication. Without that I can't see how anything else can be resolved. I've tried so many angles and she actually admitted that she doesn't like to talk about the issue then and there. Ok I thought despite it being against my rational and without compromise I'll do things her way. That's where we are now. She blanks off, I leave her to come round when she's ready to talk. That time never comes

Would it be possible for you to get away for a couple of days together without the kids? A change of environment with none of the usual daily duties might make it easier to bring things out in the open for good or bad.

Hard one and you have my sympathy. Relate could be useful for you because from your posts it's clearly having a major impact on how you feel and are acting, as in you are not acting naturally as you are 'scared' of the response. As you say communication is king and when one party is not communicating it's hard. From the length of time you say it's been going on then I would be of the view that she either sh its or gets off the pot and that you do to. Its clear there is something 'else'. If we were on MN i'd be advising you to check her phone, install a GPS up her jacksie and put a keylogger on the PC at home 😀 However all i can say is you need to work through the impact it's having on you via Relate, she can front up and join you if she thinks the marriage is worth saving or you can simply throw the towel in and walk away from it. With kids you just have to be sure that you are doing whats right for YOU first and they will respond to your signals. Best of luck though and a bike ride might help clear your mind.

but she almost certainly is playing one with you, eg, her "not talking" to you is far more likely to be for effect, than because it is a "practical thing" to do.

I don't think that would be the case. Seems to me that she is having trouble dealing with her own emotions. Something upsets her and sends her into a depressed spiral where nothing is right (see previous threads on depression on here) and then she won't or can't talk . Then when she recovers she forgets completely, pushes it out of her mind subconsciously and only you remember.

Best thing for you to do in that situation would be try and forget it yourself. Remember that depressed people are not really themselves. It's just their brain chemistry taking over - much like someone in an alcoholic blackout or high on some drug.

Can I just throw a couple of words at you in the hope that it may be the problem? Self-esteem, or specifically, lack of it.

You have two very young children and that in itself is hard work. I don't believe that many women are genuinely 'earth mother' types who can sail through child-rearing in one big smiley stratosphere.

Dare I suggest that a lack of self-esteem is stopping her from opening up her feelings/emotions for fear of ridicule?

Hope it's not true but you wouldn't be the first...

How long has she been [s]shagging someone else[/s] like this?
Three rules of break up:

There is always another bloke.
There is always another bloke.
There is always another bloke.

Sometimes after the other bloke comes along she decides to withdraw and wait for you to blow up so she can then leave and keep face. She might not even want that other bloke any more but the deed is done.

Sorry, but you asked our opinion.

midlifecrashes - you're single, right? 🙄

Jeeez Midlifecrashes. I thought i was being a ****ing idiot!

It sounds like depression is a very distinct possibility. Any other changes to the way she behaves apart from how she relates to you?

If it's that, your decision becomes different - whether you want to commit to supporting someone who is ill.

Think professional help - with no guaranteed outcome. You could visit your GP, by yourself if necessary, as a starting point.

Good luck to you both.

How is she in company?

Midlifecrashes, ever wonder why there [i]might[/i] be another bloke*...

*Other reasons for breakup are available

Why are more than a couple of people going off on one about pickng some milk up from the shops?

Dare I suggest that a lack of self-esteem is stopping her from opening up her feelings/emotions for fear of ridicule?

Good call. But again, depression causes lack of self esteem.

No, not single. A 45 year old bloke who's been to loads of stags, weddings, christenings, divorce house moves, second weddings etc and watched the cycle in loads of people close to me. Some relationships might last forever. Lots don't. I haven't seen one yet where things got bad enough for one side asked for outside help or even mentioned that things were rocky and there wasn't someone else involved. When you talk to people after all the dust settles there's often a pattern, and it goes a bit like this (sorry for the cut & paste, but that's how it was described to me)

#

They push men for commitment
#

They get what they want
#

They lose interest in sex
#

They become attracted to someone else
#

They start cheating
#

They become angry and resentful
#

They begin telling their partners that they need time apart
#

They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages.

Yes, other reasons for breakdown are available including health issues like depression and self esteem issues, and I've seen similar where both money and acute illness troubles were being hidden from a partner too, but IME they are the exception rather than the rule, and I gave my opinion based on the feeling in the OP. I genuinely hope you can get the the bottom of it soon, and can work it through from there, whatever the cause, and if I have been a ****ing idiot, sorry.

depression can sometimes cause lack of self esteem.

I've changed that molgrips. I've had huge self-esteem issues since I was a child but it didn't cause depression.

midlifecrashes - nobody is claiming we live in a perfect world. Your original comment was a tad insensitive imo.

😯

I think I'm glad I don't have to socialise with the people you hang out with, they don't sound very nice.

FWIW it most definitely does NOT sound like the OP's OH is cheating, to me. Far from it.

I've had huge self-esteem issues since I was a child but it didn't cause depression.

You and about half of humankind, me included 🙂 I meant the other way around though - when depression gets its claws in your brain then self esteem is an alien concept altogether.

If she were talking to friends on mumsnet, what might she be saying?

Let's come at it from another angle. I have the opposite dynamic in my relationship. I am a fairly taciturn individual who takes refuge in sullen silence when things pan out in a way I don't like, for example on certain occasions when my other half wants to talk about Big Stuff.

I simply don't have the words for it. She thinks she does. If I don't think she wants to hear what I have to say, I clam up. I hate confrontation of any sort, absolutely cannot stand it, especially with a loved one. To me being argued at and not responding is preferable to going at it toe to toe.

I'd rather zip it than give her it all guns blazing like she gives it to me. Because if I did I don't think there would be no way back from that point.

Time is a good healer though and we usually kiss and make up after a day or two at most. I guess I ahve realised, and probably Mrs McDef has as well, that I would rather let the heat of the moment cool down and unpick things in a more reflective, retrospective way, usually by trying to defuse the situation in a humourous way.

I'm not saying that my way is the best way - far from it - but it might give you an idea of where your other half is coming from. She might not be playing a game - she might just get The Fear about conversations that turn into arguments, or have the potential to turn into arguments.

It must sort of work because we're coming up for ten years together and I'd say we were both pretty happy for the most part. Although I daresay mumsnet or other more women-centric portals on t'internet have their fair share of women complaining about the very situation I have just described... 🙄

Have you considered the very simple fact that she doesn't much care? What's with all the amatuer head shrink stuff?
If she can't see that the situation is going to change in that due to the youngsters being present and / or your financial situation it's highly unlikely that either of you can or will make other arrangements, she just can't be bothered arguing with you?
I do it with the gobshite at work. She shouts at me, I ignore her and carry on. Can't be atsed.
I still don't get why asking you to pick up some milk on the way home is so unforgiveable.

I even resorted to texting at one point so she could take it in and repond when she way ready without the face to face if that made it easier. After pouring my heart out basically saying how things are going to end up unless we get help.......
5 hours later I get a text back.......
"Can you bring some Milk in on your way home"

Sorry but it sounds to me like she doesn't care for your feelings at all if she is prepared to treat you this way and you would be better off out of it. She is working up to ending it I reckon and just doesn't have enough empathy/courage/decency to do it nicely (sorry again). I was in a position many many years ago of going to Relate on my own as partner didn't think there were any problems with the relationship, it was all me, he was happy being miserable, fighting constantly etc. They pretty much handed me leaflets on how to get divorced.

Good luck !

I think at this point i need to take control of the situation and as said go on my own if needs be. Ah well time will tell

Goods words from roper.

My advice would also be to ease off now - you have pushed her into a significant step. Don't push her further.

There are probably loads of other issues going on that you may not be recognising as contributing factors which is why professional counselling can help. For example, you have 2 pre-school children - has your wife given up work? Lost a 2nd income? [you say the cost of counselling is an issue]. Has she had a break from childcare in 4 years? Do you have extended family help with childcare? Are you working longer hours to compensate? Are you stressed about stuff yourself which is affecting how you respond to her? And so on...

psling. yeh most of the above. Lots of contributing factors but because she won't talk none of these factors ever gets resolved, they just build up.
We don't really have much of a support network around us as relatives live at a distance. Money is a bit tight but its not that bad to be honest. Certainly in a better position than a lot of others.
The sessions are £80 a pop and if your looking at multiple sessions then costs will mount up. To be honest I see it as £800 to make or break the relationship. Whatever the result £800 will be a drop in the ocean.
I'll go in to it open minded with a positive attitude, if she goes it'll be a start. If it doesn't work out at least I'll know I did everything I could to make things work for our family.

gravitysucks - Member

psling. yeh most of the above. Lots of contributing factors but[b] because she won't [/b]talk none of these factors ever gets resolved, they just build up.

Please remember I am not getting at you but you need to try to be a bit less judgemental. From her point of view there might be a very good reason why she [b]hasn't wanted to[/b] talk. Do remember that blame is not helpful and the causes will be multiple and from both sides.

What you need to do is discover how to move forward not apportion blame for the past.

Yep that'll be that contempt I mentioned. I know what your saying and I do need to look forward but when you've been banging your head against a wall for so long it still smarts for a bit afterwards.

I don't doubt they'll be things I need to change. My currant attitude is one borne out of frustration and hurt. I need to change this for my sake as much as ours.

Relate are very good - helped me out some yours back. Note that if the cost is seen as a factor, I'm pretty sure they will waive the fee.

Mention MumsNet on a tangent, maybe "I was on STW and they were talking about this site thats full of bitter women ranting about their husbants, I said it sounded like the reverse of STW"

Install keylogger, come back 24 hours later and find out what the problem is.

Devious TINAS

gravitysucks

I don't doubt they'll be things I need to change.

Tell her this.

She actually managed to talk a bit last night when I broached things. She basically admitted to not being happy but says she does want to work things out despite not really being confident that we can make things work.

Did you give her a big hug at this point?

TJ speaks good sense here btw (for a change 😉 .. seems to me she doesn't feel she can talk to you - perhaps because of how you approach such conversations? That was my problem for a while.

What a mess.

For balance, I think midlife's post was fair. Harsh, but fair. You can never tell what's going on with another person unless they open up to you. And that includes texts, bookface and emails. If you go down the keylogger route, there's a whole pile of crap can be spread around your life.

mmm don't fancy the keylogger route to be honest. Once you open that can of worms were do you stop? Her phone contract is actually in my name after transferring her number to one of my accounts a few years ago so if I wanted to I could prob check her call / text history.
I don't really feel the need though. I still trust her and if I start to question that theres not going to be much left.

gravitysucks

I just want to say that I feel for you and I know what you're going through because I've been there, and I'm afraid in my case things didn't end well.

I'm also going to say that I agree that midlife's post is harsh but fair - but it doesn't mean that it applies to your marriage

In my case it was pretty obvious there was other stuff going on - I didn;t need a keylogger to tell me, and if you know your wife I expect you don't either

Poking around and being suspicious just makes you feel awful - and ultimately it won't change anything. Best thing to do is try and get her to councelling with you

I didn't manage it - it felt at the time like we were in a car together, but she was in the driving seat - and had taken her hands off the wheel and was just waiting for the car to crash. I was trying my best to keep the car on the road but couldn't

As you mention above though 800 pounds is a drop in the ocean compared to the cost of separation (financial and emotional), so don't let that be the reason not to go. I think relate do let you opt to do it for free as well.

Another point - it can take a while to get seen/ get a slot - so don't wait. Call them now and get booked in.