What ones do you think have fallen into comedy folklore?
"Don't tell him Pike"
"He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year's Mr Madman competition."
"I will say zeez only wance"
Four candles.
Mrsparkle - not a sitcom
Smoke me a kipper....i'll be back for breakfast.
Wibble
What, with these feet?
If it's a girl they're calling it Sigourney after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him Rodney after Dave!
This old broom has had 17 new heads and 14 new handles
"Gas Man; it's the GAS MAN!"
Ah, Melchett. Still worshipping God? Last I heard he'd started worshipping me.
There's a few Malcolm Tucker ones, but I don't think the swear filter will allow them.
There was an ultimate payoff line in Allo All from the increasingly convoluted plots, I can't remember the line where it all came together but it would have involved the candle with the handle on the gateau from the chateau, and doubtless the drug in the jug, which I think also involved the pill in the till.
"We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun."
I wouldn't let my dog stay in this hotel,
fussy is he, Poodle
fawlty towers
"Fray Bentos"
One of my favourites is (was) Peter Cook. One sketch in particular. One bit of one sketch, has, imho, two of the greatest comedy lines in it..
The leg division, Mr Spiggot. You are deficient in it [b]to the tune of one[/b].
Your right leg, I like. I like your right leg, it's a lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw it come in. I said, "that's a lovely leg for the role". [b]I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is — neither have you[/b].
I'm with Rusty in HMP Slade
How about a couple that might not be the best per se, but have had the biggest impact on the language:
"Spam" from Monty Python
and
"Gardening Leave" from Yes Prime Minister
both passed into common usage, with many users unaware of the etymology.
Not that it was in a sitcom ...
"I'm playing all the right notes.... but not necessarily in the right order "
"My knees hurt."
"Nearly done." (Chris 'Finchy' Finch) The Office 😀
Also from Porridge:
[After the governor removes a cake from a filing cabinet]
Flecther: "That's odd, it's usually a file in a cake."
Or words to that effect. Gets me anyway.
Do you want ants? Because that’s how you get ants
'Is he at the whankin' yit?'
"Bob"
I've got a cunning plan...
Kate, short for Bob.
Smeghead.
John Wayne's an arsehole!
"Bob"
That's the problem with this sort of thing, write them down and you lose what often makes them funny - the comic timing and talent of the delivery. I thought of loads of Blackadder ones but they're not funny unless Rowan Atkinson, or Stephen Fry or Hugh Laurie or Rik Mayall are delivering them. "Hello Darling" isn't intrinsically that funny a line on paper. So on the same note and for the same reason (although not a Blackadder one)
Dan! (Alan Partridge)
From The Thin Blue Line.....
"Just remember, it's your cockup, my ar$e."
not strictly a one liner, but reminds me of arguments on here sometimes...
General Melchett: Ahh, The healthy humor of the honest tommy. Don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.
Captain Blackadder: Yes, About thirty-five miles behind you......
😆 Brilliant retort!
"Back of the net!"
"You know, Blackadder, for me socks are like sex. Tons of it about and I never seem to get any." Prince George.
"I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."" George Costanza
So what is it?
Pretty much anything flashheart (no, not him) says
'Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?'
On being asked (after being prompted to) why he was not wearing underwear...
'Because the pants haven't been built yet that'll take the job on'
(When Mr Balowski turns into a vampire in The Young Ones).
What do we do when we catch him?
Take him to Doggersea Bats Home.
or
(When Antony brings his vegetarian girlfriend home for the first time).
Can you eat wafer thin ham?
Pretty much anything flashheart (no, not him) says
I treat my planes like I treat my women.
I take them to heaven and back twice a day.
Buzz Aldrin and Liz Lemon shouting at the moon in 30 Rock
[i]I walked on your face![/i]
From Alan Partidge...
You're a f&*$%£g mentalist!
"I won't have my dog behaving like an animal"-wolfie Smith's girlfriends Dad (also Snoutie in porridge) in citizen Smith.
Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes to
tackle even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals. Yes, I am over 18, although my IQ isn't.
&
LISTER: Cat?
CAT: Mmm?
LISTER: Ya ever see the Flintstones?
CAT: Sure!
LISTER: D'ya think Wilma's sexy?
CAT: Wilma Flintstone?
LISTER: Maybe we've been alone in deep space too long, but every time I
see that body, it drives me crazy. Is it me?
CAT: Well, I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most
desirable woman that ever lived.
LISTER: That's good. I thought I was goin' strange.
CAT: She's incredible!
LISTER: What d'ya think of Betty?
CAT: Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty... but I'd be
thinking of Wilma.
LISTER: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
CAT: You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
LISTER: She'll never leave Fred, and we know it.
"Stop getting Bond wrong!"
LISTER: Cat?
CAT: Mmm?
LISTER: Ya ever see the Flintstones?
CAT: Sure!
LISTER: D'ya think Wilma's sexy?
CAT: Wilma Flintstone?
LISTER: Maybe we've been alone in deep space too long, but every time I
see that body, it drives me crazy. Is it me?
CAT: Well, I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most
desirable woman that ever lived.
LISTER: That's good. I thought I was goin' strange.
CAT: She's incredible!
LISTER: What d'ya think of Betty?
CAT: Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty... but I'd be
thinking of Wilma.
LISTER: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
CAT: You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
LISTER: She'll never leave Fred, and we know it.
^ The best one-liner ever 😉
"A man with a s-s-stutter needs a big target to make love to."
Arkwright pestering nurse Gladys.
These ones are small, those ones are far away.
Father ted.
Basil: Don't be alarmed, it's only my wife laughing.
Basil: Next contestant, Mrs. Sybil Fawlty from Torquay. Specialist subject - the bleeding obvious.
Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted!
Father Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Father Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Father Dougal: Oh right
Blackadder: About as funny as getting an arrow through the neck, and then discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.
Just remember, a man needs a woman like a fish needs a bicycle!
Wayne Norris Auf Wiedersehen Pet
Oz: Pelicans, penguins and the Inland Revenue, what they got in common?
Dennis: Ah don't no man Oz
Oz: They can all shove their bills up up their arse!!!
Are you sure sir? It does mean changing the bulb.
just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful.
Porridge, when Fletcher is asked by the doctors to provide a sample into a receptical sitting on a shelf "what, from here?".
Tough one! I think I would have to say [i]'The best of the Beatles' [/i]
I don't remember it word for word but I love this whole scene -
Blackadder - "Don't under any circumstances step on a mine."
Baldrick - "What should we do if by accident we do step on a mine?"
Blackadder - "Well, normal procedure Baldrick is to jump 200 feet in the air and spread yourself over a large area."
Mrsparkle - not a sitcom
The Simpsons ?
not really a joke but more a funny line that has passed into common use (well at least until digital arrived)
Vyvyan: YES! WE'VE GOT A VIDEO
Oh my god, they killed Kenny!
Vyvyan: YES! WE'VE GOT A VIDEO
Oh, have you got a video?
So Father, I hear you're a racist now! Should we all be racists?
Dan! Dan! DAN! DAN!
FLETCHER: I had a friend once – haven’t told you this before, have I? He was a light-heavy. Good strong boy. Won a few fights. Suddenly thought he was the bee’s knees. Fast cars, easy women. Classic story of too much, too soon. He just blew up. He got into debt and ended up in one of those travelling booths. Four fights a night, seven nights a week. Well the body can’t take that punishment. His brain went soft, his reflexes went. You know – punchy. Just became like a vegetable – an incoherent non-thinking zombie.
MACKAY: What became of him?
FLETCHER: He joined the prison service as a Warder. Doing very well
If anyone else asks me that question I'm gonna stick their head through the window!
Oh you're German! I'm sorry I thought there was something wrong with you.
Gets me every time.
Frasier. All of it.
[i]Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.[/i]
"Wombles!!"
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Boom boom boom.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Boom, boom, boom.
The Sound of the Guns, Pvt. Baldrick, 1917.
Jimmy Nail, Auf weidersein Pet - 'you're talking out yer arse you bollock'
"And I owe it all to yes I cannabis"
Doh!
A deer,
A[i] female[/i] deer.
"I am not surprised, your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom!"
"It's ****ing snuffed it!" (OK, it's from the live stage show)
"It's a turnip shaped like a thingy, my Lord"
"You have absolutely no idea what irony is, have you, Baldrick?
Yes I have. It's like steely and goldy, 'crept it's made of iron"
"She's got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils!"
"I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split"
"A conversation with you, Baldrick, and somehow, Death loses its sting..."
"You like blow jobs, don't you Mark?"
"I'm eating a fruit corner, Jeremy.
Peep Show
Oh yeah Peep show there are loads good shout!
If you're interested I'll be in my quarters at lunchtime covered in taramasalata
Vivian " Do not stick hard out of the train...I wonder why"
Loads from the IT Crowd
[i]Good morning, that's a nice TNETTENBA[/i]
[i]But a fire? At a Sea Parks?[/i]
So what is it?
Sybil Fawlty: "Basil! You know what will happen if you don't get that picture hung up this afternoon"
Basil: "You'll have to nail them back on first"
"No Raquel, it's not goodbye; it's bonjour"
No... We can't give that away as a prize...
Pretty much anything flashheart (no, not him) says
I iz hurting.
But, that aside, yes. Some of the funniest lines ever delivered. As with so many here, they're a bit like the handbag line in Ernest. You know it's coming, but you still laugh like a drain.
<strong Welsh accent>
"Stop rocking the caravan, Geoffrey!"
</strong Welsh accent>
"I accidentally blue myself"