[Closed] Best insult at work

The jerk store called, they have run out of you.

I'm envious of the people who don't know you.

Got called a cumsponge by a 14 year old once.

Name one person who likes you.

Everybody else thinks your a bit of a tw** but I think you are alright.

Or

Do you have to get up early to practice being stupid or does it just come naturally?

"You've gone up in my estimation. To arsehole"

Got called a cumsponge by a 14 year old once.

Hah, that reminds me of an old comprehensive I went to. Smoking in the class rooms and walls of exotic expletives, joy.

You're just a f****n fomite!

"It's like replacing Messi with Susan Boyle" was a pearl of wisdom delivered by somebody describing what it's like to have a competent employee go on holiday and be replaced with the union rep.

My favourite is to ask them if they are proud of this piece of work...

"When did your delusions of adequacy first manifest themselves?"

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool

I'd call you a ****, but a **** is useful!

Your so full of shit your eyes just turned brown.

Overheard: If you were smart, you'd a a smartarse.

From me to a (racist) customer: c__t off you f__k.

I got a meeting with the area manager and HR for that one. When I explained the circumstances, the AM said it was "understandable but probably best avoided in future."

Someone called me a "**** knuckle" and the reply I gave her was she was a "c**K womble". Both laughed. I didn't need to choke her out. Always looks bad on your HR record, I don't think I could get away with it for a 3rd time.

Our muckshifter isn't spending enough time on site with his lads. The engineer asked him during a quick meeting if his new boy band would be called "lack of direction". Probably not that funny but as in the op I just laughed out loud.

I only ever think of whitty retorts after the event where confrontations at work are concerned, though I'm usually pretty sharp.

Therefore I just go in with scathing observations about people's work/work ethic (which they can't refute) in front of colleagues who all think the same, but never speak out. I'm generally regarded as a bit of a c as a result, but a hard working, committed c. I can live with that.

Reminds me a having to carry a useless boss on a project, near the end of a day long technical meeting which was tough and taxing on all involved (except for him as he sat munching on the lunch) he finally contributed something (pointless comment in the end) when one of the other guy exclaimed "It Speaks!"

"There's no 'I' in team"
"No, but there's a 'U' in c***"

I told our engineering manager, who is the definition of promoted to his level of incompetence, "I'd shut up now, you're just making yourself look stupid"

No one batted an eyelid.

There's no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people.

Beaten to it, just but.....

There's no such thing as a stupid question. There are however questions asked by idiots.

It must be like working in The Office with some of the people on here.

Do you think David Brent is a role model?

On my leaving card "How will we manage without you? The words "much" and "better" spring to mind".

My wife works in child protection. Last week a 2 year old told her to "**** off", which was a first in 20 years!

Trying to describe a current boss and his ability to have long tangential conversations which don't actually add anything:

"He's a really nice guy, but he sometimes gets sucked off down an alleyway...."

Went round the project like wildfire! 🙂

Overheard a few years ago. Someone came bouncing along to speak to the office IT guru. "Can I ask you a silly question?" he asked. Said guru looked up at him and in a languid drawl replied "Yes, I very much expect you could".

On site discussing an unusual brick detail I had drawn. Bricklayer with his two labourers generally taking the piss out of me. Then says 'How many beers did you have when you did these drawings!?' My response after a cursory glance at his brickwork was 'about as many as you guys had when you built this.' He got the hump and said to his guys 'get your tools lads, we're not here to be insulted.' They left and never came back. The rest of the builders thought it was hilarious.

I'd call you a *, but a * is useful!

(if the **** starts with 'C') 😆

Reference for someone when I had a summer job -
"<name> worked for us for 4 years. To the best of our knowledge, he didn't steal anything in that time".

Not in the same league as some of the above, but intensely satisfying none the less.

Said by a very well repected member of staff in the presence of a member of SMT regarding something that I had been battling about in a HOD's meeting

"Jim, you are right and they are idiots, and when it all goes wrong, you will still be right and they will still be idiots."

My mum used to be a lecturer.

Some slightly bigwiggy-type person opened the door to the staff room and asked if anyone had an old fashioned retort (you know, mad-professor flask thing)

One bloke didn't even look up from the paper while suggesting "**** off?"

If you had s##t for brains, there wouldn't be enough to fill the toilet bowl

And

I think you may be operating outside your sphere of knowledge

Some good suggestions on here! Check out the Red Dwarf thread for some gems, such as:

We all have something to bring to this conversation, and the thing you should bring is silence.

One of my fitters once asked "what did your last slave die of?" To which I responded "insubordination". Not bad by my standards.

There was one lad at work who was well known to go walkabout when it was "all hands on deck". After the umpteenth time of this happening when he returned one of my colleagues shouted out : "oh here he is, effin blister ! " "why are you calling me a blister?" "Because you only turn up after all the work has finished...."

Best insult at work

You expect me to do the bare, legal, enforceable minimum? No?

Then why insult me by offering the same?

There's a contractor project manager where I work, always seems stressed and doesn't do much smiling. Yesterday, we had
'Every dark cloud has - Debbie standing underneath it.'

Once she announced loudly to the whole engineering office, (when something was going wrong on here job meaning that work has to finish very early that day)
'Right, that's it, I'm going to have to pull all my men off!' 😯

Some of you are just writing down insults, or you work in very, very different environments to me.

Not mine but heard in a film or something,

"Your so full of shit if you had a colonic there'd be nothing left afterwards"

You're just a f*n fomite!

As I'm a little chubby chap & work in the prison service, there's one I've used a few times when prisoners have called me a little fat C***, (they usually have their mates with them) so I say loud enough for them all to hear, 'the main reason I'm fat is cos every time I shag your lass she gives me a chocolate biscuit'

I once had a colleague who was 'mercifully unburdened of the rigours of intelligence'

"Ringo". Someone who is portrayed as being exceptional at their job, but in reality is mediocre at best.

From "Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?"
"He's not even the best drummer in the Beatles."

* insert stereotypical, exaggerated,false emergency declaration of any occurrence*

Let me look in the box of ****s to give to see if there's any left... nope. Sorry. The photocopier is fine.

Some of you are just writing down insults, or you work in very, very different environments to me.

Mildly NSFW....ish.

There's no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people.

I used that line on every training course I gave prior to the tutorials.

I'm generally regarded as a bit of a c as a result, but a hard working, committed c. I can live with that.

God ruined a good arsehole by putting teeth in that mouth!

"Destined to spend their life pushing doors marked pull"

"Oxygen thief"

"Depriving a village of its idiot"

I've worked with several blokes nicknamed 'thrush' over the years... And a lass who just would. Not. Shut. Up. Even when there was REALLY nothing worth saying. Her name was Ashley, but she never could work out why people kept on mistaking her for (g)Nat...

Maybe not a one liner but.
Stop
Stop
Stop
You c#nt

To rorschach