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nonk Im hoping our son is going to turn out the way you describe your upbringing/parents.
I think we are brainwashed by society into being dutiful beyond the resonable. We are indeed taught this by people who have a vested self interest in our being obdeient and unquestioning as it gives them power and security - our parents.
Not quite how I would say it, but I more or less agree with your sentiment. Even when there is no 'harm' being done, the very concept of Family is unreasonable, dysfunctional and prohibitive. It's much easier to develop and control a cohesive Society when it is comprised of Families; hence the value that governments attribute to it. At the other end of the scale, Family offers (perceived) security against (perceived) dangers that an individual might find more difficult to manage.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is an excellent, if extreme, observation of Family life.
Well I had a pretty idylic upbringing untill my dad died when I was 18. My mum blamed me for his death and just went mental. I know they are just words but never really been able to forgive her for being so unfair. My sister has turned into my mother and is a a lying idiot who is riven with jealousy and a lot of drug induced problems. Mental health nurse mental health problems. Both are manipulative and appear so nice and respectable but neither can keep friendships for more that a few years before some huge argument and the recriminations
A bit like Mr Starship I woke up one morning and realised that it isnt my fault, it was like an epiphany. I have fabulous friends who love me as I do them and I am blessed to go out with the greatest woman in the world.
Blimey this makes me feel lucky.
My parents divorced when I was 10, now my dad lives in the US and I live in Denmark so I don't see them as often as I would like and in the last year my dad has left his 2nd wife and is now married to someone only 2 years older than me. I am apparently getting a new sister in a couple of months.
Compared to all the abusive stuff though, this all seems normal and almost pleasant!
You want some kind of justification Hora? I can't give you justification and I'm not sure why I'm typing this on to the internet for anybody and everybody to see but just as a taster:
5 children. each made, from a very early age to clean their own shoes (from about age 4) each evening for school on old newspaper on the kitchen floor. Nowt wrong with that I suppose? If just ONE of those six children got the slightest mark of shoe polish on the kitchen floor (he'd sit at the table every evening watching us, one at a time while enjoying his daily beverage) nothing would be said. We'd probably be unaware of it......until Friday tea time. ALL of us, sent to our bedroom (six kids from age 4 to 13) in one bedroom (thank god for bunk beds) where we would stay until Monday morning. Only allowed out to go to the toilet after gaining his permission by knocking from the inside of the locked bedroom door. Meals were brought to the door for one of us to collect and hand round. No games, comics, books, tv. If he came up and ONE of us was not on our own respective bed, EVERYBODY would get the belt (not figuratively speaking either) in front of each other.
That any good for you?
No wonder two of my brothers prefer being in prison than out.
barca2. I am for once gobsmacked into silence.
I didn't have a great realtionship with my father for a long time, i think his expectations of me were unattainable and i wasnt him. It all came to a head when i got kicked out of college after flunking my second year. All got a bit nasty and i got kicked out. Sorted that out, but it took a wise friend to talk him round. It wasnt until i actually got a proper job and started making my own way in the world that he saw me as a man, not just his son and we got on better. We had a few years to spend as mates with him before he died of cancer.
Im lucky that the situation was able to be resolved. Although not everyone is that lucky, or able to resolve their issues.
Its easy to see how it can go wrong for parents and their children. Only now as a father myself can i see where my father was going wrong.
barca2 that's horrific. Whilst my relationship with my family is good I share the sentiment of others on here that family don't deserve special treatment just cause they are family. I value friends equally and in a few cases much more so.
But you did shut hora up and for that we are all truly grateful. 😉
hora, sometimes its better to say NOTHING than to try and empathise.
Not having a pop, just giving friendly advice.
Sad how so many have a poor relationship with family. I can't imagine losing contact with my family, regardless of their faults, but then none would ever consider doing anything that might cause that. Such a shame.
Don't comment, don't judge.
You don't have a clue what might have gone on to be able to qualify/quantify your statement.
Many people have a truly excellent family life, and I am exceedingly envious. My ex GF's parents were absolute stars, so much so that they made me feel part of their family too, and though it is years since we broke up, I know if I saw her parents now they'd invite me in for tea and a chat... I envy people like that!
Sadly my mother died when I was 14, and my father never really got his act fully together since. The last straw (you don't need to know the rest of the stuff, but sufice to say I've given him several chances to be my Dad) for me was blaming me for the break up in his marriage to my stepmother, and the demise of his business. If he wants to apologise unreservedly, I'm all ears, but until that day it's far better for the both of us that no contact is made... Means there's nothing to argue about! 😕
My Dad was very violent. Violent to anyone who wouldnt listen or do his way. Even now he could still cause alot of trouble and hes in his 70's. Rather than turn out like him I went the other way and live peacefully 😀
My sister is an odd one. For some reason we've never got on & she has told everyone who would listen that i am the 'favoured son' and she never 'got anything'. The fact that she was the baby of the family, spoilt rotten & could twist my father round her finger never seems to have occured to her.
I stopped speaking to her over 12yrs ago and not missed the experience. He now deceased partner once had a go at me in the pub, i just laughed at him & walked away. She ruined his life, accused him of battery (false) and made him break links with his mother. When he finally walked away she used the 4 children as a weapon and he eventually drank himself to death.
Mt dad & i went to the funeral but i refused to go to the wake as i knew there would be a fight between us & it wasn't the time or the place. My dad went & she accused him of causing her ex-partners death!
My dad rang me in tears telling me he never wanted to see the 'evil bitch' ever again. How hard do you have to push to get a father to say that about his little girl? My sister hasn't spoken to my mother in years either. She has cut herself off and we are all happier for it.
When we were kids she would wait til she heard my dads key in the lock, look at me with a sly grin then scream and start crying - my dad would run in, hear her cries that i was hitting her then punch me across the room. Took me yrs to get him to understand what she was up to, and took us yrs to repair the damage between us.
Not proud of it, but i got to the point where, because i knew i was going to get a slap i would walk in the house and punch her in the gut - might as well get my retaliation in first!
If i never see her again i won't be unhappy about it. She has 5 kids now and i wonder if they will turn out as nasty and bitter as she is?
10pmix - I haven't seen my sister in 20 years... Its a complete mystery why she is like this.
10pmix, you can't see it from her point of view but she will have her reasons. they might be small to you but they're probably massive to her and if she's not looking for resolution then there would be little point in her trying to explain.
myself, i'm estranged from my mother. miss her? no... it's a relief.
My father was a drunk who used to beat my mother up two or three times a week, and from time to time us kids too. He died just as I was about to leave school, so I don't know how things would have worked as I got older and braver, but I do often wonder. Thereafter, I was hell bent on being a good husband and father when my turn came, but naively thought that as long as I wasn't like him I would be. Then of course you realise that while you know how not to be a bad husband/father, you haven't grown up with any sort of role model as to how to be a good one. So you have to work it out as you go along. I think the term emotionally guarded best describes the effect it's had on me. I get on well with my mum and brothers though, which I'm very grateful for, have a very (usually) understanding wife, and two (almost 3) generally delightful children. I can't complain with what I have now, but I wish my childhood had been different. Although I know it pales into insignificance compared to what many other people have grown up with.
barca2 in our household you are considered a great friend, and welcome anytime.
J.
I have nothing really to add other than to wish well to those that have had difficult times with their families and to agree with this.
MaverickBoy - MemberDon't comment, don't judge.
You don't have a clue what might have gone on to be able to qualify/quantify your statement.
This is something I have had to learn in the context of the lonely old people I look after. No one knows why the family don't visit. None of my business. don't comment don't judge is a good call.
I didn't see my Dad for ~7 years, then got back in touch a few years back. He died ~3 weeks ago, out of the blue.
Get back in contact while you still have the chance guys*. I regret the 7 years I didn't see him, but not as much as if I'd not got back in touch a few years ago. Im glad he got to meet his grandaughter.
*Obviously some things cant/wont/shouldn't be forgiven.
Mate of mine had to watch his mum get beaten up by his drunk dad for years as he was growing up.If he tried to intervine he would get a slap too.When he was about 18 he'd had enough.One night his dad come home and started on his mum again,but this time my mate kicked seven bells of sh1t out of him.He then took some pictures of him unconsious,covererd in blood on the floor.The following morning at the kitchin table he threw the pictures at him and said if he touched his mum again he would look alot worse than those pictures.(It worked btw).He never spoke to his dad after that.
Cheers j - very kind of you. I'm not at all sure what came over me. Very strange. I'm going back to don't care won't care, it's so much more my style.
It and indeed all are relative 🙂
Good luck to you all.
Barca2,thanks for that,and well done,one of the saddest things ive ever read on here.
I fell out with my brother when i was 16 and got an appreticeship,was forced by parents to go to his wedding,he had never told his freinds he had a brother,then when Our Mum died,i think we may have spoke,about 20 years latter,then when our dad died in 2007 we spoke again,since then we havent spoke.
Sad or what.
well, i'm currently in the process of falling out with my parents...
lyons - Member
well, i'm currently in the process of falling out with my parents...
I'm quite close to doing this too - the reason, last year I was diagnosed with a brain tumour, and they've been in so much denial about it that simply any discussion from them around the topic pisses me off majorly. I just need them to accept what has happened, that I'm not cured and probably won't be. I've been brutally honest with them, but they prefer to cling onto tales of "so & so who........", and I have to bring them back to the fact that I'm not so & so, and that they need to be fishing for more detail about so & so (tumour type & locatio0n etc).
I've realised after typing this that my reason for coming close to falling out with my parents comes across as being a very selfish one, but seeing as I'm due to start chemo/radio soon (they say they don't understand why I "want" to have this treatment), and compared to many here it is a much less significant breakdown of family relations.
That sounds hard missingfrontalobe...
I've just never got on with my parents, and moved out recently. I thought this would help, but to be honest has made matters worse. My mum is far too clingy (?) and wanta to know about everything... When I wont tell her about my work or something she just starts shouting...
Sigh.....
I don't see my Dad.
I typed out a whole load of waffle but felt too embarrassed to leave it open on here.
Its[url= 
] HERE [/url]if anyone fancies a read.
my dad left my mum, me and two older sisters when i was 2. i saw him once when i was 13, and the next time was at his funeral, when i was 30, i went withmy older sister.
my mum got married to my step dad when i was 7, he had two kids who came to live with us.
from that day, i knew something was not right.
when i was 12, my two older sister left home, one was 16 the other 18
my 16 year old sister had always been a problem to my mum and stepdad, often pinching money, and getting in trouble.
when she left, there were claims of him messing with here, which today would be indicent assault.
it was denied by him, andd was soon forgotten, yet my sister was always made out to be the bad one.
when i was 16, my mum and stepfather had another daughter.
fast forward 25 yrs, in which time i have never spoken to my sister, my mum and stepdad have split up, cos of his gambleing, drunkeness and lies.
anyhow,my mum gets a visitor from a woman who has a son the same age has my youngest sister.
turns out he was having a affair with the woman whilst my mum was pregnant with my sister.
my sister went through school with the lad not knowing they had the same dad.
this was 5 years ago.
i confronted him about it all, and he told me everything, about the affair, and about abusing my older sister, who i had not spoken to since i was 13.
he had been in our lives all that time living a lie, he doted on my two kids.
i cut contact with him on that day, now he has no one at all in is life.
i hope he lives a very long and lonely life too.
has for my relationship with my sister, i still have not talked to her. it feels wrong and like it has gone too long.
she has two daughters and one of them have a child. i have not ever seen my nieces or the baby.
families eh.......
I'm actually horrified how some people have such terrible relationships with their families. I've always had a good raport with my parents/ step father (me dad died when I was 23 - Ey up Eddie!) and have continued that sort of relationship with my offspring (22,20 and 16), bless 'em. Tis such a shame.
*goes off to count blessings*
Jeez ton that's tough man. Easy to say 'talk to your sis' but 'talk to your sis'
My family are a bit odd, mum died when I was 25, kid brother in the forces, we've never really talked. Dad met another woman 6 weeks after mother passed away, he never understood why I didn't take to 'step-mum' I guess mums really are the lynch-pin of families. As my old gaffer said, 'no one will ever love you like your mother'
pick up the phone Ton. 😉
My oldest brother has completely ignored me since I was about 10. He seems to dislike us all. His loss. My other brother broke my thumb once, but I get on well with him. I left home at 17, get on well with my mum and dad, but they don't know the half of my life story and would probably be horrified at a few things I've done. I realised last week, more than 30 years on, that I spent a lot of my childhood fearfully expecting the IRA to murder my old man - very much suppressed. That's about it. Oh and there was the living in a cardboard box and cold gravel for breakfast......
One up side in this morass of dis-jointed families:
As my father has Alzheimer's, he's forgotten he and I never got on! 😉
tribal
Shoe box 'nt middle of road? You were lucky......
Doubt I'll ever see my Dad again. Not a big issue, but partner and I haev discussed the fact that our kids might want to know their biological grandfather (They have a full set inc the step though).
And, I worry that I'll grow up to be like him.
Still, he doesn't live in Aus, so I've made that change!
barca2 in our household you are considered a great friend, and welcome anytime.
That was classy bunnyhop,well done.
Not entirley on topic; but there is some relevance....
It was Nelson Mandela's 20th anniversarry of his release yesterday. When He was released people thought he would sponsor ANC action but instead he said that he wanted reconcilliation and forgiveness for those who had put him in prison, and for all of SA for that matter.
Family is family, it is better to swallow your pride and deal with it then never speak to people again. However nasty, horrible or annoying they are.
Don't bear grudges and remember that time heals all wounds. Cheesey I know but I think its true (to a certain extent).
You don;t have to stop seeing people, if they choose to stop seeing you then thats fine but don't ever shut the door.
As DJ Hype ones sampled... Peace Love and Unity 😀
Alex:
He soon dumped his Mrs once he realised she was a lost cause and had been less than honest with him!
piggin heck some sad stories on here, I am not close to any of my uncles/ aunts/ cousins/ or sister. Didnt fall out with them just circumstance of going to school away from home, college, working away from home and didnt keep in touch. I feel sad now..... 😐
all this talk of disowned. Lets talk about owning someone now!
I don't really have much to do with my family. Not because we've fallen out or anything, but because we weren't really that close and have sort of drifted apart.
My parents live in Spain, one brother has emigrated to Australia and one brother found religion when he got married and is a little bit difficult to talk to sometimes.
After reading this thread I will be getting back in touch with them all, and actually making an effort to go and see them. Luckily, my job takes me to Australia and Spain on a regular basis, so it won't be that difficult to do.
takisawa2, thank you for your additional post. I suspect that was quite hard to write out. You deserved way way better than your fathers behaviour.
One of the sad things about mental distress and cruelty is people for some reason view it as less damaging than physical stuf, but it is not. It can scar the whole life of a victim, or you are left fighting against the damage it has done. The 'its only words, you can get over it' phrase is said by people who generally have no real concept of what terrible emotional situations are like, but well meaning, they believe they do. Someone very naievely said further up the page:
"Family is family, it is better to swallow your pride and deal with it then never speak to people again. However nasty, horrible or annoying they are."
Why is it ok to let someone destroy or deeply damage your life just because of a biological relationship - would you accept it from a friend or neighbour? Would you tell a hospitalised wife to go back to her husband each time he beat all hell out of her? There is no difference here in damage levels, you just cant SEE one type of injury.
Someone else said above
"I woke up one morning and realised that it isnt my fault, it was like an epiphany."
And to me that really grasps the reality of so many of the sad situations mentioned in this post. It is not the victims fault. You can walk away. You do not have to go on looking after or caring about family who abuse you or rubbish you, in order to make themselves feel big. If they loved you, they would treat you better. It is not your fault they are not able to love people in a normal way. Be proud of wanting something better for yourself.
With hindsight, I wish I hadn't posted my junk yesterday. It wasn't my intention to make anybody sad and I apologise for that.
To be honest, it was a somewhat angry response to what I perceived was somebody elses forgive, forget and love at all costs approach to things and I think my arrogance at being angered deserves an apology to that person so, That Person - I Apologise (just this once mind and never again).
It has had quite a profound effect on me since yesterday though.
I phoned one of my brothers this morning with a made up excuse about needing the solicitors name who dealt with our mum's probate. It's the first time I've spoken to any of them in three years. I'm not even sure why I wanted to talk to him and our conversation was very courteous but absolutely business like.
I'm going to shut up now.
Just read all this, my goodness there are some bad people out there.
Both my parents died recently and I can't say I was happy about it, however my brother who I have always regarded as a right bullying bastard and I seem to have found some common ground since. Lifes too short and I understand now that the 10 year age gap was quite hard for him to deal with.
okay, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but I'm sleep deprived so i guess I'll just write it now and regret it in the morning
First of all, - just for some background: My mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's f*cked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.
Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was hot.
I don't want to go into to many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so beautiful that I watched it twice. (probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy stuff went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).
Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.
My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to f*ck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.
After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.
Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.
My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was f*cked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.
Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.
A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.
But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.
is she [b]definitely[/b] your sister?
Boardin Bob - that was awesome :D!
😆
Good luck to all of you in tough situations.