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I reaching out for some advice on this, knowing there's a broad spectrum of advice and opinions on the Dadsnet section of STW 😆
In August 1999 i moved from Costa Del Geordieland down to Lancashire to be with a bird and in late 2000 a letter landed on the door (addressed to the occupier) from the CSA claming paternity. Before I left the North East I was seeing a girl for six months (she was on the pill) and we split because she was attempting to get more pricks in her than a second hand dart board she was claiming I was the father of her Daughter she had in February 2000.
My then girlfriend had just fallen pregnant with our first child (planned) and life was going swimmingly well until she got home and opened the letter delivered through the door with no name on it 🙄 I contacted the ex who and went up and seen the child and have to admit I thought she was mine. Because she was living on benefits she had to offer up a name of father or they'd stop her payments so I gave my details, within a few months I'm having a paternity test and she's proved to be mine. By this time she was 1 year old.
As my father had left when I was two and only saw him once or twice a year (although it was normally for full summer holidays) I asked her for a week to decide wether I'm in or out of her life. I live 180 miles away and whilst it's not a million miles away it couldn't be a weekly thing, so I wanted to think about what value I could bring to her life. The ex said immediately "you obviously not interested so F*** Off and don't bother me again"
I did my thinking and decided that I wanted a part of her life and then conveyed this but she was having none of it and by this time she was pregnant with her second child to a fella she's been with since and have two kids now.
So I took her to court for access....
We got to court, the hearing was held by a clerk, our solicitors agreed I'd have her once a month and we were told to go away and try it and if it didn't work then the court would make an award after another hearing.
The CSA gave me a bill for £6500 of backdated maintenance, and on top of that I've paid her between £150 and £250 a month maintenance since then. So money can never be brought into question... even though they do! Every single month I get a text asking if my money's going to be in the bank on the 1st and every month it is.
From her being about 18 months I've been seeing her every month, christmas, summer holidays etc and she's enjoyed a great relationship with my other daughter who is 11, they get on great and there's been no tension at all, until March this year.
In March I got fired off from a company who didn't pay me. I've had a tough run of luck with jobs and even though I've struggled at times I always paid my maintenance. I spilt up with my other child's mum last year and pay maintenance to both mums and treat it as priority. They are both money driven, one because she has none(mother of child in question) and the other because she's a money hoarder and wants me to live on breadline...
anyway, in March the ex up North text me the day after seeing daughter to tell me she didn't want to see me anymore. I found this bizarre because only the month earlier I'd attended her 12th birthday party (I paid the £250 for the DJ and food) and her fella remarkably thanked me for paying for it and coming up to be there, the day I'd had with her the day before the bombshell was dropped was a great day too, so her text was really out of the blue and unexpected.
bitter words crossed and she told me to go away, she took the iPhone off my daughter that I have on contract for her and basically removed any methods of contact. She said she'll take me to the CSA again for money and not to bother paying her. It transpires her fella got made redundant, got fairly large payout and they were opening an ice cream parlour/coffee shop in the depressed and cold North East mining village we all come from. Conveniently, THE first month she could [i]afford[/i] to tell me to piss off they have.
My daughter has been speaking to my mother on various occasions since March and has shown no hint of not wanting to see me at all and it appears that this is all driven by the mother and her fella. I've always been a thorn in their side according to them.
I contacted my solicitor who took them to court in 2001 and he's basically said she's 12 now and in the eyes of the law she's capable of saying she doesn't want to see me and the mother obviously could coach her into saying that by making her feel unloyal to her by going through the process.
it's now been over six months, I did stop paying her maintenance two months ago, if anything to provoke a reaction but none. My mum's silver wedding is this saturday and she has always sat on the fence, and thus invited my daughter and her parents along. They accepted and knew fine well I'd be there but it's started to cause tension in our family because they feel the parents shouldn't be there. So my mum called them up and suggested it may not be a good idea to come along.
Since then none of them are replying to my mums calls/texts to confirm if my daughter will be there, so my mum is devastated too, as well as my other daughter who won't see her elder sister.
It's looking like courts is an expensive and not reliable option, what do I do?? How can I push this forward??
I sent my daughter four photo albums up in the post a few month ago, with 200 + pictures of her through her life and they ****ers refused to sign for it, presumably knowing who it was from by the postmark.
advice welcome and thanks for reading this!
Blimey. Sounds like you've tried to be the responsible father all along (although, let's be honest, we're only hearing one side), it's an awful situation
I can offer nothing other than a suggestion to find a good family law solicitor.
never stop fighting to have access with your daughter/children EVER
WHy do mothers do this and why does the system allow them to do this it is no wonder dads dress as Batman and chain themselves to roofs
Whatever happens in the short run she will know you loved her enough to fight for access and when she ia an adult they will know what was going on
As they are 12 and have seen you they probably realise anyway what is happening
Good luck and stay strong
Banks the maintenance money she can still come after it assuming th ic cream parlour fails
You don't say (unless I missed it) but are you in touch with her via email or facebook etc?
Junkyards first line is a +1. Never stop trying.
I have an 8 year old by an ex and had to get access through the courts so I understand this completely.
Junkyard is also right, bank the maintanence cash if you can until its resolved. Access and Maintenance arent usually linked but its the only card you have to play against the lack of access.
If it was me, I'd get a second opinion from another family solicitor to be sure your daughters words, spoken via her mum, cant be challenged. But dont put your daughter in the dock as it were.
Protect her, be true to yourself, try your hardest to see her and keep trying to maintain a relationship with your girl.
I've been through this and come through the other side - it didn't end up how I wanted it to though.
My advice would be to forget the solicitor (unless you're in a position to afford the fees and still live the life you want to). Unfotunately, and this is the really hard part, this means cutting ties with your daughter. As you say your ex is no doubt poisoning your daughters's mind with regards to yourself but at 12 years old she will have made up her own mind about you and the days when she can be manipulated are rapidly decreasing which only goes in your favour. For example before long she will be able to jump on a train and make her own way to your house.
With regards to the CSA - I stopped making phone calls to them very quickly and insisted on all communications were done in writing, despite this they ignored at least 10 of my emails (to which they are obliged to respond to within (10 working days i think). This is when I visited the local CAB who put me on to my local MP.
Go straight to your MP (contact your council if you don't know who this is) and let them contact the CSA on your behalf. I can assure you they don't ignore the MP's letters.
My first ask would be to request a full breakdown of what the arrears are for (doing so puts your case on hold whilst they respond) and go from there...
I'm happy to offer and share any other experience I have from my experience so feel free to ask...
Trouble with issues like this is that they can eat you up......subsequently ruining your own life. My advice would be never to give up, but don't fight a losing battle, use every opportunity to get through to her that you love her and want to see her and then hold out hope that as she gets a bit older, she will contact you and resume the relationship.
3-4 years is difficult, but after that its the rest of her life, so try and get through it as best as you can, whilst maintaining a consistent approach.
As @Junkyard says never give up, always be there for her.
I would persist with contacting the mother and her new partner, perhaps he'll be more rational. I would get some advice (perhaps CAB) regarding the CSA payments, it may make sense for you to contact the CSA saying access is being withheld and to explain your new financial situation.
As noted above your daughter is bound to be on email/FB/etc
Good luck with everything
Replies like the above ones make me glad to be part of the stw family.I have nothing to add other than I really hope that it works out for you and you daughter both. I work with young people, they are not daft and I think your daughter will suss out what is going on.Good luck Mick.
I wish I could do or say something other than I feel for you and be strong. I have two sons and it would end my world if for some reason I wasn't able to see them.
Been there, got the Purple T-shirt 8)
i) are you working now? if she wants to go to CSA, then thats great?
ii) where are your parents? still up North? (ie, I take it they're in the village that your ex has returned to?
iii) don't give in
iv) it will cost you very little to put in an application - write down the history above as a skeleton argument, bullet pointed, and self represent yourself in court, don't spend thousands, on what is in fact a very simple and common sense argument given the facts above.
v) at the first hearing, they'll defer for CAFCASS reports - there's certianly a risk that your ex will put your daughter under pressure to say she doesn not want to see you, much as I'd like to critisize them this is exactly the type of suff that CAFCASS look for, and they know what they're looking at, and will pick it up in no time at all, so don't worry unduly about it.
vi) The process through court will take at least six months, don't worry about this, she will still remember you and love you, don't worry about her.
vii) the Truth will out, kids are not stupid, and in the end they will make their own mind up,
For info - my eleven year old daughter moved to live with me two months ago. your ONLY job for now is to relax, and let things take their course, as fustratingly slow as the system is.
Wow what a rollercoaster of a story, sounds like you have tried hard to be there for your kids, when so many parents find it easier to walk away, so good on you.
I would still try writing to her, one day she might just get to the post before anyone else, its worth a try anyway.
Other than that, its a tough one, but it looks like you can handle tough situations with a calm and sensible head, so I am sure in time, things will change, but untill then good luck and don't give up.
Don't give up. Keep writing to her (post them from a different postcode), and keep copies of those letters so that when and if she comes looking you can show her that you never stopped.
I personally wouldn't have stopped maintenance. Much as it must pain you to put money in your ex's pocket, it's a tiny investment if at the end of it if some of it benefits your daughter, and you can use it to show that you never gave up on her.
Chances are she has a facebook page, even though she's officially too young, so you can contact her that way if you feel that's appropriate.
The law will get you nowhere now - you've just got to trust that the 11 years of fathering you've done will count for something in her mind at some point down the line.
Trust me I have several court orders all favouring access with myself - However;
*All the solicitors letters and court orders in the world aren't worth the paper they're written on if the bitter ex is intent on putting barriers up.
*IME
Jesus. Can't offer constructive advice other than what the others have said. I can say best of luck and hope it works out.