[Closed] Are you the perfect man?

I think the 'trade' you're referring to Hora is a 'stunt cock'

Head for LA my friend, where your fortune surely awaits

[i]They're all liars! [/i]

[img] [/img]

You didn't believe a Woman did you ?.
Heck, even they don't know what they want.

Hey Hora why did I get a reference there?

Solo I agree, we just never will understand the.

When the ladies ask for GSOH when they really have a unreasonably high-checklist.

I mean if I put myself on a dating site with a HONEST description I'd grow moldy.....if however I put up a fictitious description (with the same nasty mug of me) I bet I'd be fighting them off!

Surely, given your prowess, you'd simply put a picture of the World Best Looking Penis?

Then sit back and await the door being beaten down?

[i]Surely, given your prowess, you'd simply put a picture of the World Best Looking Penis?

Then sit back and await the door being beaten down?
[/i]

Like he said.
He'd post a mug-shot of himself.
😉

That'd work on Gaydar

what about poetry? don't they like that too?

roses are red
violets are blue
i have a gun
get in the van

form a queue please

[i]what about poetry? don't they like that too?

roses are red
violets are blue
[s]i have a gun
get in the van[/s]
[/i]My Name is pretty knob Hora.
Please form a queue.[i]

[/i]
T,FTFY.
😉

Roses are red
Marigolds pink
My nob is a looker
And my cowboy boots stink

Six feet tall - nah.

Muscly, toned and athletic - nah. but not fat

Brown eyes - nope blue

Short dark hair - shortish and darkish

Smart dress sense - I think so; people would beg to differ

A beer / lager drinker - can do, but not habitually

Non smoker - yep

Wears smart jeans, shirt and a

V-neck jumper - except the jumper

Gets ready in 17 minutes - or less!

Stylish - hell no.

Wants a family - got one, suprised myself

Earns £48,000 a year - with a fair bit of OT.

Loves shopping - online, on the classifieds and t'bay count?

Eats meat - yep.

Clean shaven - about half the time.

Smooth chest - um, sorry.

Watches soaps - NOOOOO!

Enjoys watching football - NOOOO!

Drives an Audi - Old Merc and a pug.

Educated to degree level - equivelant or so.

Earns more than you - Ummm...

Jokes around and has a laugh - too much.

Sensitive when you are upset - can be

Tells you he loves you only when he means it - well, I DO mean it

Admits it when he looks at other women - sorta...

Holds a driving licence - of course.

Can swim - of course

Can ride a bike - of course

Can change a tyre - wheel, or tyre? anyway, yes.

Rings mum regularly - defo.

Binners, imagine me in just cowboy boots making finger-pistol moves with my hands 😯

You bastard! That's going to be seared into my mind now! I'm going to wake up screaming in the middle of the night 😯

POW! POW!

That's it! I ain't reading no more of these [s]hora[/s] horror stories due to feeling decidedly queasy. 😯

Need a lie down. 🙁

[i]feeling decidedly queasy.

Need a lie down.
[/i]

Just laugh.
The rest of us do.

T'is all tosh init.

I don't lie though, lost a nice bird once cos I refused to lie about stuff.. hey ho.

Hora's a bit of d'ick then, hmmm

oops, yeah, i have big brown eyes. My irises are like conkers

The only thing to gain is you'd quickly find out how fickle someone is if they wanted a lie rather than you.

Then again you'd get ten times more sex...

Are your conkers like irises as well though?

[i]Are your conkers like irises as well though? [/i]
😯

Six feet tall - YES
Muscly, toned and athletic - NO
Brown eyes - NO
Short dark hair - YES
Smart dress sense - NO
A beer / lager drinker - YES
Non smoker - NO
Wears smart jeans, shirt and a
V-neck jumper - YES
Gets ready in 17 minutes - YES
Stylish - NO
Wants a family - YES
Earns £48,000 a year - NO
Loves shopping - YES (online for bike stuff)
Eats meat - YES
Clean shaven - NO
Smooth chest - YES
Watches soaps - YES
Enjoys watching football - NO
Drives an Audi - NO
Educated to degree level - NO
Earns more than you - NO
Jokes around and has a laugh - YES
Sensitive when you are upset - YES
Tells you he loves you only when he means it - YES
Admits it when he looks at other women - YES
Holds a driving licence - YES
Can swim - YES
Can ride a bike - YES
Can change a tyre - YES
Rings mum regularly - YES

I'm quite obviously a kick ass boyfriend!

Are you the perfect man?

yes. or near enough that it makes no difference (and modest too)

next question

Mrs Toast - Member

No thanks, I'll take imperfect

Err, thanks. I think.

Err, thanks. I think.

Have you been hiding a secret love of football and Eastenders for the past six years? 😛

[i]Err, thanks. I think. [/i]

Ha !.

Someones [i]Toast[/i] in the err, toast, House hold, later....

Yeah, ok.
IGMC

[i]Have you been hiding a secret love of football and Eastenders for the past six years?[/i]

Say yes, but don't admit to wearing her clothes while she is out to the bingo.

Say yes, but don't admit to wearing her clothes while she is out to the bingo.

Given that I'm 5ft 2 and he's 6ft 7, that'd be quite a sight.:D Also, I'd have to start playing bingo.

I'm going to have to see where he's stashed the secret Audi, I should have suspected as much when he got the Orange Five...

[i]Given that I'm 5ft 2 and he's 6ft 7, that'd be quite a sight. Also, I'd have to start playing bingo.[/i]
😆

Six feet tall > Spot On

Muscly, toned and athletic > Yep

Brown eyes > Yes

Short dark hair > Yes

Smart dress sense > Yes (I think)

A beer / lager drinker > Yes

Non smoker > Yes

Wears smart jeans, shirt and a V-neck jumper > Erm yes sometimes

Gets ready in 17 minutes > Shit shower shave, iron something, dress, out? Sounds about right

Stylish > I think So

Wants a family > Got one thanks

Earns £48,000 a year > Yes

Loves shopping > Quite like it actually, even womens clothes shopping as I get to perv!

Eats meat > damn right

Clean shaven > Yes, normally

Smooth chest > No (finally!!!)

Watches soaps > No (phew, maybe not completely gay)

Enjoys watching football > No, rugger bugger here.

Drives an Audi > Erm yes, two.

Educated to degree level > Yes

Earns more than you > No, I earn the same as me!

Jokes around and has a laugh > Constantly

Sensitive when you are upset > I'm still married, I can't be that bad!

Tells you he loves you only when he means it > Yep

Admits it when he looks at other women > Yes

Holds a driving licence > Yes

Can swim > Yes

Can ride a bike > Yes

Can change a tyre > Yes

Rings mum regularly > I don't even have her number!

Oh shit, 26/30. But I get an extra **** point for having two Audis. Hang on, that me me nearly perfect, or an utter ****er. Certainly one of the two.

I happily do not fit into some Daily Mail reading woman's ideals

I don't score particularly well but a couple of edits give me a better chance

Jokes around and has a laugh [s]Sensitive[/s] when you are upset
Tells you he loves you [s]only when he means it Admits it [/s]when he looks at other women

A girl once told me I had the best looking Penis that she'd ever seen.

I said, 'right I'd prefer if you sucked in your breath and look terrified everytime I got it out thanks'.

Had to laugh! :LOL:

Was rather shocked when a girl told me I'd got the biggest penis she'd ever seen though... I mean it's ok, but clearly either I watch too much pron or she's only shagged midgets before I came along! 😕

Given that I'm 5ft 2 and he's 6ft 7, that'd be quite a sight.:D

Have you got kids? Did the doctor say childbirth would be an issue? That is some gap... I've got a mate who is 6ft 4 and his wife 5ft 2, but you've trumped that by 3 inches!

Six feet tall: Close but no cigar

Muscly, toned and athletic: Close, probably not close enough for a Daily Fail reader.

Brown eyes: Big miss

Short dark hair: Nope

Smart dress sense: I epitomise the casual "don't give a rats arse look", so no.

A beer / lager drinker: Nope, T-Total

Non smoker: Woohoo, a point for me!

Wears smart jeans, shirt and a V-neck jumper: hehe, errrr... If I HAVE to dress smart to get into a nightclub possibly, but otherwise no.

Gets ready in 17 minutes: Much less normally, though for some reason considerably more if a bike ride is involved!

Stylish: In my mind yes, in a Daily Fail reader's mind... No

Wants a family: Jury's out still.

Earns £48,000 a year: Not even close any more

Loves shopping: I think you could take one point off here, that's how much I hate shopping! Mind you, so has every girl I've been out with before.

Eats meat: Woohoo, another point.

Clean shaven: When I've shaved... About once a week... So that'll be a no then.

Smooth chest: Errrr... I've got a bit of bumfluff, it's not manly hair anyway, but I'm hanging onto it thanks.

Watches soaps: Not on your nelly

Enjoys watching football: See above

Drives an Audi: Had one last year (it was 11 years old), don't any more. When the Daily Fail say "drives an Audi" I think they mean "Drives an Audi that's less than 3 years old, has leather seats, the S-Line package, 18" rims, tinted windows etc." not "drives a mid 90's A4 Avant TDi with a beige interior."

Educated to degree level: Woohoo, another undisputable point! Currently studying for a 2nd degree too... Bonus point maybe?

Earns more than you: Almost certainly not right now.

Jokes around and has a laugh: Too much perhaps

Sensitive when you are upset: Used to be, then I learnt the hard way the feelings are never returned, so not these days.

Tells you he loves you only when he means it: Quite good at this actually, cos I can't lie very well.

Admits it when he looks at other women: Errrr... Only if pushed, cos I can't lie very well, but I wouldn't just come out with it.

Holds a driving licence: Required in order to drive an Audi!

Can swim: Not well, but well enough

Can ride a bike: See above

Can change a tyre: I'm a man... Durrr!

Rings mum regularly: Would do if she was still alive, sadly not...

I make that a solid 9/30... No wonder I'm single!

Personally I think I should be awarded bonus points for being "willing and available", something clearly anyone with a higher score than mine is not... 😉

Fascinating stuff. It paints British women as materialistic and superficial. As the profile is so far from what ladies I know go for I Googled in French and German:

[url= http://www.ipsos.fr/ipsos-public-affairs/actualites/l-homme-ideal-est-drole-attentionne-et-imprevisible ]French ladies will take you if you are poor, but give them your time and surprise them.[/url]

[url= http://www.gq-magazin.de/leben-als-mann/beziehung/mann-der-perfekte-mann ]German ladies are happy so long as you're sober, funny and faithful[/url]

Really, British women vain and superficial?

Well, I ****ing never. What a surprise that is, not. You know, I think I'm secretly French. I'm quite good at being poor.

That's why I love going on holiday.

Anyway, now girls are becoming more educated than men....and those girls my age are earning more.....then they can buy me dinner. I'm not bothered, they can have fun finding out how amazing and so not stressful in the least being the breadwinner is.

That or they can attempt to share the same men (who will invariably cheat) or start dating other women.

You bastard! That's going to be seared into my mind now! I'm going to wake up screaming in the middle of the night

😆

German ladies are happy so long as you're sober, funny and faithful

REALLY? Bloody Result!

I'm off out on a 2nd date with a German girl this weekend after the first went quite well... Funny, sober and faithful I can manage, it's just the rest of the materialistic crap that I can't...

[url= http://www.****/femail/article-2142051/Meet-Mr-Perfect-New-research-says-earns-48-000-drives-Audi-rings-mum-These-fit-bill.html ]EEEEEKKK!!! Some "perfect" men according to the Daily Fail[/url]

As my best female friend said... "Eugh, half look like Foxtons Sales people, the other half look just like total grease monkeys" (so basically the same thing then! Nice one Em!) 😉

Fascinating stuff

In fact total drivel. And don't take it seriously in any way whatsoever.

I'm looking to buy an Audi, for some reason I feel like only half a man.

[i]It paints British women as materialistic and superficial. As the profile is so far from what ladies I know go for[/i]

wow, thanks 🙄

so, do tell us what we "go for"

Wow my first 4 page topic! One day I'm gonna be a big hitter

EEEEEKKK!!! Some "perfect" men according to the Daily Fail

Muscly, toned and athletic ❓ 😕 ❓

Eats meat

beef. c_______s

Six three tall
Semi athletic
Brown eyes
Male pattern baldness
No dress sense
Non drinker
Non smoker
Wears shorts,t-shirt and hoodies
Gets ready in 1.7 minutes
Unstylish
Wants a quiet life
Earns £18,000 a year
Hates shopping
Eats veg
Beard
Hairy belly
Hates soaps
Hates football
Drives a shed
Educated to degree level
Earns less than most
Miserable misanthrope
Not a clue when you are upset
Tells you he loves you only when he's done something wrong
can't be arsed looking a women
Holds a driving licence
Can swim doggypaddle
Can ride a bike (as long as it only has 1 gear)
Can change a tyre as long as its not on a crest
Rings mum once a year

Form a queue frontbums.........

"frontbums", "frontbums"..!!

Phsssst!!

What a great word.

IMHO to be the perfect man you need powers of invisibility and no DNA.

I'll get my coat.......

You don't fall into the "ladies I know" category, emsz, so I'm in no position to tell you or those included in your "we" what you gor for. Your on-line persona wouldn't be interested in a man corresponding to the profile in the article as a vital "wo" is missing.

Coward i am going to jump in two feeted and tell a lesbian what she wants in a man ..... it is a sight of Horas beautiful manhood and you will be changed for ever...I know i would be 😉

HTH

Thanks Junky I think I'll pass 😆

I am a man therefore i am a bastard whatever i do. Therefore i do what i want as the consequences are the same whether i pay for her haircut or **** off to the pub.

😆

new Mrs iDave thinks I'm OK and she's fantastic. so the list can **** off

Just laugh.
The rest of us do.

Old but amusing,
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his effing widow.'

Q. Why do most men die before their wives do?

A. They want to.

[url= http://www.tellyads.com/show_movie_vintage.php?filename=VA0868 ]the perfect man uses this product to atract his good lady[/url]

I'm not even 100% man physiologically....

🙁

haha nice one Yossarian, like it!

Kev

How many caring, honest, considerate men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Both of them...

I saw a couple on the tube the other day. She was wearing a T shirt that said "All men are bastards", he one that said "All women are mad". They seemed happy enough together.

Six feet tall Bit short of that.

Muscly, toned and athletic Yes

Brown eyes No

Short dark hair Grey

Smart dress sense Ha!

A beer / lager drinker No Lager fizzy pish.

Non smoker Smoe some things.

Wears smart jeans, shirt and a

V-neck jumper No

Gets ready in 17 minutes Way less than that.

Stylish In my special way.

Wants a family Wouldn't say no but not going to happen now.

Earns £48,000 a year Much less.

Loves shopping No.

Eats meat Sometimes.

Clean shaven Sometimes.

Smooth chest Yes.

Watches soaps No.

Enjoys watching football No.

Drives an Audi VW Tansporter.

Educated to degree level Yes.

Earns more than you Probably not.

Jokes around and has a laugh Yes.

Sensitive when you are upset Sometimes.

Tells you he loves you only when he means it Yes dear.

Wot a load of tosh. Am I perfect?