[Closed] Anyone had a messy divorce?

After 7 years, it's a symptom of a previous problem, just brought to an unexpected head.

If you half don't give a toss - I think your marriage was already over before your affair.

I'm not judging - please don't take it that way. More of a suggestion that if you have had a 7 year drought (without good reason) and don't have too much in an issue with the end of your marriage, the intimacy and consideration was long gone. Consideration and appreciation are key things IMHO and if they are not there...

Does it have to be messy, she might be happy for it to be fast if you can offer her what she thinks is fair and be on with her life

[quote=jamj1974 ]If you half don't give a toss - I think your marriage was already over before your affair.

This - only up to 3 years here, but TBH if I did meet somebody else I'm not sure it would even feel like an affair. Not sure exactly what I have left here apart from the kids I'm hanging on for - it's only them which stops me just walking out the door.

Sadly yes. The fact you where unfaithful makes zero difference to the financial settlement but makes the first part (decree nisi) easy. Of course the wife may take great offense at the affair and behave accordingly but 7 years and no sex that must be a foregone conclusion. If you can go through mediation or even a diy you'll save 10's of thousands in solicitors fees.

Good luck and check back if you need.

Not sure exactly what I have left here apart from the kids I'm hanging on for

I did the same for 10 years, in hindsight I think I could well have had a better relationship with them during that period divorced and I would have had a much better life and been a lot better off.

7 years 😯 I would have tossed myself blind in a year!!

Solicitors love divorce very profitable letters flying back and forth for months be prepared to compromise it makes it all that much easier and would you rather give it to her and the kids or some **** solicitor.

Solicitors will send the letters their clients want them to send. What keeps them employed are the "but it's the principle of the thing" types who spend thousands fighting over worthless trivia or can't come up with a sensible compromise on their own. It doesn't have to be expensive if you both just want to get it over and done with in an efficient manner.

6 year drought here. Really don't know what I would do if offered the opportunity.

Sadly yes. The fact you where unfaithful makes zero difference to the financial settlement but makes the first part (decree nisi) easy. Of course the wife may take great offense at the affair and behave accordingly but 7 years and no sex that must be a foregone conclusion. If you can go through mediation or even a diy you'll save 10's of thousands in solicitors fees.

mediation ios cheaper than lawyers and you have to these days anyway

If your kids have flown th nest it will much easier

Whatever happens it will be shitty but it will get better

Sounds like there were problems before the affair, your wife might be half not giving a toss as well, so may not have to be as messy as you think.

If kids are involved, you both need to make their well-being the priority, and not use them as weapons. Mediation and DIY options will allow both of you to move on quicker with more money rather than dragging it out fighting through expensive solicitors.

Hope things work out for the best.

(Oh, to be even offered the chance...)

A good solicitor will always recommend mediation as the first step for the financial settlement. If that fails, then it's collaborative law (more expensive), then the courts (very expensive).

I'm currently going through mediation now (fourth session today) to sort out a relatively messy divorce (unreasonable behaviour on her part - alcoholism) and the mediation has been a strain. However it _is_ cheaper than letting the lawyers loose.

In your situation, things should be straightforward. In the eyes of the law, you fscked up. I'd recommend that you leave personal feelings out of things and try to find a mutually acceptable settlement so that you can move on with your life.

@Shred you need to speak to your wife and probably go to councelling. Thats no way to live and imo unless its sorted its only going to end one way. That sort of relationship only works if its good for both people and/or one person doesn't mind the offer having affairs. Best wishes

Mediation if can and willing on both parties, lawyers seem to look at total assets and charge according,ie stupidly expensive and asking for details and clarification That is often unnecessary, but lots of letters later add up to huge bill.

[i]If you can go through mediation or even a diy you'll save 10's of thousands in solicitors fees. [/i]

+1

We split amicable and did use a solicitor for the paperwork, but the same one.

If you can agree the split on monies between you, it'll be far cheaper and easier - although (I'm think you're the oldgit who I've met in the past at the Lotts Wood races) you/her may/will have pension 'issues' due to your age.

I've been witness to perhaps the messiest and most painful divorce I've heard of.

It's more complicated than your average split: married for 18 years, two children then he comes out as transgender, wife initially supports him, stands by him, he starts the path down permanent transition.

Then, perhaps almost innevitably, it all comes apart. He moves out, lawyers get involved, things get very nasty - accusations of being an unfit parent are levelled, solicitors start requring joint evaluation sessions with prominent psychologists. Then he gets a call from the kid's school alerting him to 'flight risk' to Colombia of all places resulting in the impounding of passports.

Several hundrend thousand pounds have now been spent but at least he/she has access to the kids and is about to make a monumental transition towards happiness.

about to make a monumental transition towards happiness.

Good Luck ! I just moved out the family home yesterday. having to leave my 15 month old son is devastating but its been utterly awful between me and the ex for ages. I have been planning and preparing for this so just feel a little numb - I got up at 5am went to the gym and to work early just have to keep pushing forward..

I just hope that she hasn't done anything to my bikes !

Looking forward to all the bitterness starting

Or not, if I've read it right.

Not sure how you read it but I meant gender reassignment.

Not sure how you read it but I meant gender reassignment.

transition towards happiness.

happiness.

[b]a penis [/b]

Its still funny if I explain it right?

Good Luck ! I just moved out the family home yesterday. having to leave my 15 month old son is devastating but its been utterly awful between me and the ex for ages. I have been planning and preparing for this so just feel a little numb - I got up at 5am went to the gym and to work early just have to keep pushing forward..

Best of luck.

All of you.

😐

Just keep looking forward and view every bit of financial pain as a 'happiness tax'.

Whatever happens, it will get better.

Avoid solicitors other than to conduct the formal stuff. Talk to each other, and if that fails try mediation. It is easy to assume that everything has to be handled via a solicitor, but it doesn't. They will only do what the 2 of you ask of them. They aren't there to handle the negotiations for you. They are just an (expensive) intermediary. Whatever you do, keep talking to each other.

Try and be honest about the other woman. There is no blame in divorce in terms of having an impact on the final settlement. It isn't a penalty system. Diffuse any emotion and keep it objective.

Best of luck!

Related to this thread, but not helpful - I just did a proper 😯 at the tv - preview for a prog called [url= http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b07hnn0b/broadcasts/upcoming ]"Call the Mediator"[/url]... yes, a bunch of "look at me!"s allow themselves to be filmed while going through the mediation rows. Jeez.

Wow - this is a very frank and honest thread. Good work chaps.

I split from my wife 2 years ago now, after staying together for the sake of the kids for some time. I can say with absolute confidence that the kids are happier now we're apart, because they have two happy parents instead of two miserable ones.

Me and my wife actually had better sex after we'd decided to separate, and none of the petty resentments and annoyances mattered any more. It was like we'd just met all over again :-)We are now friends and are more calm and tolerant of each other now we're apart than we ever were together. We get on each others' tits occasionally, but we always let it slide in order to be good parents to the kids.

Men deal with separation by feeling a sense of failure; they have "failed" at a really big part of life; they haven't done what they're "supposed to" do. Fellas, you have to fight through that shit. Failure is spending your whole life in a miserable home, putting your kids through the same, because you weren't brave enough to call an end to it.

The other feeling that men often have is "I've worked hard to build a respectable life. If I leave, I'll be starting again from scratch." Yes. Yes. You might have to start again. **** it. Do it. It's the most liberating thing. When I split from the wife, I rented a cottage on the moors (the type I'd always wanted but the wife wouldn't consider) and grew veg, road my bike, read books, had the neighbours round, went on adventures with the kids (who loved Dad's new house). That first night, away from the family home and in my own new bed, I felt a huge sense of relief. For the first time in years, I felt that the world was full of possibilities and choices, rather than a miserable slog with someone I didn't like any more.

In time, I dated (if you haven't done internet dating, get on it - it's like a sweet shop) and had good times, romance and adventure again (remember that?) and eventually met someone special and now we're setting up a life together.

If you're in an unhappy marriage, and you've tried everything to make it work, but you think you "can't leave" because of money, the kids, what other people will think, whatever; well, you *can* leave, and perhaps you should.

I split from my wife 2 years ago now, after staying together for the sake of the kids for some time. I can say with absolute confidence that the kids are happier now we're apart, because they have two happy parents instead of two miserable ones.

I've no direct first hand experience, but I've cause recently to come to this conclusion also. If you want to do the best thing for your kids, surely the best thing is to give them two happy, loving parents (or even one, or potentially four) rather than staying together in a house filled with arguments and resentment?

"Its still funny if I explain it right?" yes it is!

"why is divorce so expensive?"
"Because it's worth it!"

Having gone through a rubbish marriage and an only slightly messy divorce (no kids and only a little £ to argue over) I whole heartedly recommend divorce. I spent two years in a cold damp squalid studio flat while paying the mortgage and waiting for my "nice" house to sell but i was never as miserable as i was in that house with my ex.
After a bit the house sold i got a decent flat and resolved to be a happy bachelor i then acquired a fab girlfriend a house i really enjoy the girlfriend became a fab wife and we successfully bread an acceptable little human. Nothing would have been achieved without that decision to move out and divorce.

. If you want to do the best thing for your kids, surely the best thing is to give them two happy, loving parents (or even one, or potentially four) rather than staying together in a house filled with arguments and resentment?

what if you're 100% sure that it would lead to one angry parent filling the children with hatred and blame for you whilst trying to be as obstructive as possible to access?

Even more reason to get the **** away from a person like that.

The courts are there to grant access if you really, really need them to. And as for the hatred and blame, just be nice and reasonable with the kids when you have them. They'll work out for themselves what's really going on.

Good post hebdensyclist (first one). Not sure about the "sweet shop" though... maybe you're younger than me.

Even more reason to get the **** away from a person like that.

The courts are there to grant access if you really, really need them to. And as for the hatred and blame, just be nice and reasonable with the kids when you have them. They'll work out for themselves what's really going on.

Not sure about the "sweet shop" though... maybe you're younger than me.

Sorry I didn't mean to be offensive or sexist. What I was trying to say (whilst keeping it as brief as possible) is that the world is full of people looking for love and romance. The internet connects them. Some people are looking for marriage - some people are just looking for a shag - most people are looking for something in between. It doesn't matter how old you are(I'm 40 and no looker) - you can date and have fun, romance and possibly love with others who are looking for the same thing. Strap yourself in though - when you put yourself out there "on the market" you will find out exactly what you're worth!

Steve - thats like having a gun heald to your head. Definitely not worth it. Also if that is the wife then time to acknowledge its a disaster and move on.

@hebden tough for me to read that, I am sure there are many of us with a similar experience.

I was very concerned that my daughters would be very negatively impacted by the terrible relationship role models that they witnessed (ie the ex-wife and I) would make it difficult for them but those fears have proven false ones. Sadly the "stigma" of divorce for kids is not was it was, its not so much the outloer as the norm now. If the kids bring you together then work to say. If they do not its my view they will be happier with two divorced snd happy parents than in a miserable and still married household. Kids are smart, kids have intuition - they know when something isn't right.

So OP just crack on with it, if thats the way its going. It's tough, painful and financially costly. However, your happiness and future is worth it.

Steve - thats like having a gun heald to your head. Definitely not worth it. Also if that is the wife then time to acknowledge its a disaster and move on.

apologies for musing out loud

Crack on - I think you raised good points.

@hebden tough for me to read that

I'm sorry man. I tried to make it a positive post but perhaps it pushed some buttons for some people.

[i]Sorry I didn't mean to be offensive or sexist. [/i]

Wasn't that - you just made it sound quite nice! Whereas... 😆

Sorry to derail - but posters who've suffered a multi-year drought?

Was your replationship otherwise a 'normal' loving relationship, just without a bit of the ole' in-and-out or what it more like a mutal hostage situation?

Sorry to derail - but posters who've suffered a multi-year drought?

Was your replationship otherwise a 'normal' loving relationship, just without a bit of the ole' in-and-out or what it more like a mutal hostage situation?

In mine I was single. 😳

I'm sorry man

No need. I hold myself responsible for my life, sometimes too much so. I stayed for my kids not least as I didn't want the ex-wife bringing them up without my influence but also as I couldn't bear the thought of being distant (they where all teenagers fwiw)

The future isn't necessarily all about being with someone new, I am now very happily re-married and can hardly believe what a more normal loving relationship is like even though in some ways our life is more difficult. I have other divorced friends who are confirmed batchelors of all varieties, ie always dating/shagging (he's in his 60's 🙂 ) vs not so interested.

For the record, it isn't necessarily the fathers duty to vacate the family home, my ex wanted the divorce so as far as I was concerned she was the one who had to leave, we did set out from the off that whatever happens the kids were main priority & their consideration came first in any decisions - which has lead to a pretty amicable divorce over the past 21 years. Good luck to anyone just setting off on that path & to reiterate that getting into a battle is a pointless and fruitless exercise

From the perspective of a child of this kind of thing:don't wait for an affair being discovered to force a decision. Make one. If things are that bad then leave, whilst still taking responsibility for your share of parenthood. Your conduct during this period is being watched by your children, so act like an adult even when they're not in sight as there's nowhere in a normal family house that the kids haven't found a way to eavesdrop on.

Far too much of my image of me is defined by not being anything like my dad.
He acted like a spoiled child (whining that the synchronous affairs by his brothers hadn't led to their children cutting them off) and though i appreciate more now that I'm older and have stepchildren how unwelcoming the family home must have been with surly teenaged me in it, the onus is on the leaver to cause the least disruption/damage they can. Because you're a parent.

Realise that the children won't understand your inner working-out, only assume that you love someone else more than them. Leave first, then do the new life. And if during the "your mum and I are splitting up" talk any of you feel like throwing in "this is a photo of my girlfriend" and then asking for a hug then I'll happily come round and try for the kicking I was too scared to give my dad.

Aside from all my issues (sorry, my grandma died recently and I've not seen her since the 90s because of cutting off that side of the family, so I'm feeling a bastard), I wonder how this ending a broken relationship works for the wimmins. My partner has paused her professional life to scrape by while the children are young, it was pure luck that we met as she rarely had time to do anything but parent. Seeing recently how frazzled a friend is trying to work a 60 hour week and parent two young children, getting to live in the family home while her ex (my primary friend of the couple) moved back in with his parents and does two nights a week doesn't really sound the sparkly end of the stick.

Ramble ramble ramble, sorry

From the perspective of a child of this kind of thing:don't wait for an affair being discovered to force a decision. Make one. If things are that bad then leave, whilst still taking responsibility for your share of parenthood. Your conduct during this period is being watched by your children, so act like an adult even when they're not in sight as there's nowhere in a normal family house that the kids haven't found a way to eavesdrop on.

Far too much of my image of me is defined by not being anything like my dad.
He acted like a spoiled child (whining that the synchronous affairs by his brothers hadn't led to their children cutting them off) and though i appreciate more now that I'm older and have stepchildren how unwelcoming the family home must have been with surly teenaged me in it, the onus is on the leaver to cause the least disruption/damage they can. Because you're a parent.

Realise that the children won't understand your inner working-out, only assume that you love someone else more than them. Leave first, then do the new life. And if during the "your mum and I are splitting up" talk any of you feel like throwing in "this is a photo of my girlfriend" and then asking for a hug then I'll happily come round and try for the kicking I was too scared to give my dad.

Aside from all my issues (sorry, my grandma died recently and I've not seen her since the 90s because of cutting off that side of the family, so I'm feeling a bastard), I wonder how this ending a broken relationship works for the wimmins. My partner has paused her professional life to scrape by while the children are young, it was pure luck that we met as she rarely had time to do anything but parent. Seeing recently how frazzled a friend is trying to work a 60 hour week and parent two young children, getting to live in the family home while her ex (my primary friend of the couple) moved back in with his parents and does two nights a week doesn't really sound the sparkly end of the stick.

Ramble ramble ramble, sorry

Absolutely 100% spot on. Give that man a cigar.

Was your replationship otherwise a 'normal' loving relationship

As in kisses and cuddles, and holding hands? No, none of that sort of thing. Just thinking about this today and realised it's over 10 years since we've been out on a date and had a snog at the end (went out a few times between 5 and 3 years ago, but no more than holding hands, and the handful of times we've had sex in that time it's been more of a standalone **** than making love after a romantic evening - which is so not what I want). It seems she isn't interested in any of that sort of thing (or at least not with me)

Sorry for the hijack

As in kisses and cuddles, and holding hands? No, none of that sort of thing. Just thinking about this today and realised it's over 10 years since we've been out on a date and had a snog at the end (went out a few times between 5 and 3 years ago, but no more than holding hands, and the handful of times we've had sex in that time it's been more of a standalone **** than making love after a romantic evening - which is so not what I want). It seems she isn't interested in any of that sort of thing (or at least not with me)

Sorry for the hijack

Man you sound unhappy. Have you tried to talk to her about it?

@aracer date nights are important, I would try and restart that if you can

Absolutely 100% spot on. Give that man a cigar

More counselling, or a tissue, would be better.
Families eh?

Well my wife has gone from frothing to talking.
We've stayed together because of debt. And I'd become accustomed to a sexless marriage and sleeping in the box room, no doubt about that.

On top of that physically we went separate ways seven years ago. I kept fit and well groomed and kept my friends. My wife gave up on everything.
At no point was I looking for an affair. But a lovely eight years younger than me lady asked me to take her to a dance, I did and the rest is history.

Kids are 20 and 23. After the mortgage we have about 200k to split

No physical contact over that period. She will not talk about it, go on a date, or go to counseling. No fighting, and we can talk about life, kids etc, but just no connection.

I can't remember when she last said "I love you". No cards at birthdays etc, no matter what I do like giving cards and trying.

Spooky, shred, are you sure you're not me?

I know, I have seen your posts on this on previous threads and thought the same thing. 😕

Guys your life is just too important to go on like this.