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The trouble will really start when she finds another bloke...
In the words of someone with a better hairdo than me "I pity the fool"
Trust me selling everything and going for a very very long bike ride has crossed my mind.
For now, I'm heading south to Annan - 20 miles from Mabie, some decent road riding and crying out for someone to take a spade to some hillsides and dig some trails.
As long as the kids understand the situation and you are clear and honest with them then in time they should be ok.
Just make sure THEY know that you're not abandoning them. Anyone else can get bent now.
I have hopefully ensured that the kids understand the situation and I've been nothing but honest with them.
Hopefully it will work out in the end and if it doesn't then I've tried my hardest.
Kids aren't stupid, they can tell if they're being bullshitted. If you're as straight talking with them as you are on here there shouldn't any issues.
Call me a tosser, but I think if I have kids and go through this, I'd find it pretty easy to just completely walk away and disappear. I'm the kind of person who could pack in a well paying job and live on a lot less if I didn't have a future family to think about. Not worth the bloody cost to your health.
Not a tosser, you have your health to think about. If, 'God forbid', it happened to me again, i'd move abroad.
I'm torn on this. I keep changing my mind about how to proceed.
But having slept on it and been for a long walk my current train of though is to go visit my sister for a couple of weeks. Give the evil witch those two weeks to consider the very kind offer that we agreed on. Then if she doesn't agree to it, go down the court route and fight it with everything I have. She has way more financial assets than I do, so I would probably do quite well out of it.
I'm sure I'll go through many more changes of mind over the next couple of weeks.
I think that's a good move. Give yourself some space and share stuff with your sister - can only help.
Hopefully your wife will see sense in that time and realise your offer was best for all concerned...especially the kids.
She sounds a bit..erm... difficult!
Keep posting on here if it helps.
Best wishes.
my advice would be to stop all alcohol and/or drug consumption now. if she's anything like my ex (and her money grabbing solicitor) you'll be accused of being an alcoholic and drug abuser, and will have to spend months providing hair samples and going through court. basically family courts seem to work on the opposite premise of "innocent until proven guilty". it took 3 years of court until they'd exhausted all avenues and had no choice but to capitulate. good luck, keep doing the right thing
My favourite nightmare story was this one from a solicitor:
[i]John and Debbie’s divorce was exceptionally bitter, full of spite from the soon-to-be ex-wife. Following a vicious row one evening, Debbie called the police to complain that her husband had confronted her wielding his Remington pump-action shotgun.
He racked the action and pointed it menacingly. "I’m frightened for my life,” the tearful woman told the police control room. The inevitable followed and a Heckler & Koch wielding, armed response unit rapidly surrounded the house. Once the unpleasant formalities were over and John had proved himself no threat, he invited the ARU team-leader to inspect his gun safe.
When opened this was found to contain a single item – a neatly folded slip of paper.
The officer unfolded this with raised eyebrows. It was a receipt from a local registered firearms dealer for all of John’s guns – dated six weeks prior to Debbie’s complaint![/i]
Never underestimate the psychoness of a scorned woman...
I've nothing to add but I feel for you wanmankylung, not a place I ever want to be in. I'm sure there will be brighter times ahead for you.
I'm sure I'll go through many more changes of mind over the next couple of weeks.
Yep! And it's totally normal to! you got a mate you can go and have a few bevvies with?
If you move miles away, you remove the option for your children to be able to call around to your own new home of thier own free will. They will be dependent on transport provision from mother who clearly does not really want them to have contact with you. It will force them in the future to ask for contact from you, as opposed to just dropping round after school and if they have the courage to ask her they risk a backlash from their mother for doing so. If they want your advice on homework, do you want to drive 90 miles and back after work?
I can understand you wanting space, but in the process your kids will pay for it emotionally, not your wife - its all long term and short term gain for her. Its ok to say children will make up their own minds about the past, but do you really want to have to wait until they are 18 and can drive or earn enough money themselves to be able to get coach or train fare together in order to be able to visit you?
Moving away also makes it easier for your wife to move from Edinburgh to just about any place its hard for you to travel to. Son of a friend lost his kids that way. His ex partner, a nurse, wanted to move to Australia with their son to develop her career. At the time he was living miles from his wife, but seeing his kid now and again, distance making more freqent contact difficult for him. The court decided that as he was not local to the child and therefore unable to visit it frequently/weekly, it would make no difference to the childs personal development to be moved to Australia. So he lost his kid totally then as ex and child moved and never came back.
As the boy was way less than 10 I dont suppose he even remembers much about his dad now, so is not hugely likely to travel half way round the world to meet him when he grows up. Plus of course absence allows the hostile parent to imprint whatever they like on a childs brain with no other parent, family or friends around to give alternative impressions.
Whatever, best of luck to you and your children.
Not personal to you, but to the vast number of men in your situation - 'Justice' is still so stacked against men in relation to child custody - I will never understand why men nationally cannot co-operate and form a workable protest/pressure group to fight for greater custody equality. This inequality has been going on for years, yet there seems no viable national campaign. Men surely have the numbers to be highly effective as a pressure group, they have the sad stories of lost children, but seemingly not the co-operation with each other to change prejudice and inequality.
I don't have first hand experience of this but one of my oldest friends is going through something very similar; he's a few years further down the path.
The post above seems to offer good advice. I'd also consider asking the mods to delete this thread - if your other half knows you use this forum (and maybe even if she doesn't if she gets a decent lawyer) you can expect it to be used against you in court. It's not hard to see how posts such as:
wanmankylung - Member
It's heartbreaking, but it's better than staying here and either killing her or killing myself
could be taken out of context and used against you. During my friends hearing to "establish truth" (which has a much lower burden of proof i.e. balance of probabilities rather than beyond reasonable doubt) his wife brought up every exaggerated tall tale of drunken adventure (including ones she's only heard from us his friends) from the last 20 years, including university, to attempt to discredit him.
The way i see it is you have 3 choices, walk away and see your kids as much as she allows and living as close to them as possible, move further away and risk losing contact or seing them infrequently, or go to court for shared custody or full custody. If it goes to court you will probably need to stoop lower than a snakes belly with any ammunition you have to get any kind of result,which i would'nt have a problem with if it was best for the kids.
I have no idea what the longterm outcome of any of these choices would be though.
Nothing helpful to add.
But good luck Wan.
I went down the route of trying to get custody of my boys. I made the mistake of letting her move out with the boys and unbeknownst to me she immediately movied in with the pr1ck she had a three year affair with.
Even with her parents on my side, proving she had been seriously morally corrupt, showing she had lied to have me arrested on two occasions and many many more things to show she was a sh1t parent. I showwed the court i provided all the boys care when at home and was part of their care almost every day after she left up to the point I discovered her intentions to emigrate to the USA.
After having half her family including her parents testify in court for me, the arsehole sheriff still decided that her happy marriage and the new husbands career were more important than keeping the boys with ALL their family. He allowed her to emigrate to the USA with them and she left the day after the judgement was made.
I am now a minimum of £100 grand out of pocket and facing bankruptcy, havent seen my children for seven months and dont know when i will next see them. And to add insult to injury the solicitor i used turned on me the week after the court process finished and has made life hell since then.
My advice is try as hard as possible to get an agreement on paper without the use of the court system - its corrupt to the core as are the solicitors who inhabit it.
Though if she is the poisonous sociopath as my ex is then I think there is nothing you can do that would lead to an amicable agreement that benefits your children.
After a good bike ride and a good run today I think I've got a plan that I'm settled on. Never underestimate the therapeutic value of bikes.
Well she's got herself a new house and is moving out at the end of August. Custody etc is all sorted. Divorced by Christmas.
She is ditching the parasitic lawyer as she says that she is just encouraging her to make things acrimonious to get more money out of her.
Thank **** that it's all getting sorted finally.
Now then - what's a decent way to celebrate getting divorced and getting on with my life?
in the circumstances, the usual "coke and hookers" answer is probably not a good idea. N+1?
Well done that man, glad you are sounding a bit more positive
Now take the money you would have spent on solicitors and put it into a nice holiday for you and the kids - quality time and happy memories are the best thing you can give them right now.
New bikes for you and the boys.
Really pleased for you mate! Perseverance and calm head usually win out. I know its hard. Having been there myself, I know it can take super human restraint. But it sounds like you have got the result that you want.
Well done mate. Great result for you and your kids.
Bikes and Beer is what I'd do - after a good day out with the kids.
Best wishes.
The right thing to do now (even though it is really hard) is to work your arse off to keep it as amicable as possible - offer any help you can with her moving on etc (in a nice way)
If you part of good terms at the end of Aug, you'll pave the way for a good relationship with your kids going forward..
i quite fancy a Surly Krampus and a lengthy trip on the bike to be honest.
Wigs for the boys after the buzz cuts?
Glad things are moving forwards. Interesting that your soon to be ex has also seen the ex-lawyer was just drawing things out.
Yip, sanity finally prevailed (I hope). She is going to see that lawyer tomorrow and punt them. I hope that is still the case tomorrow.
Fingers crossed it's not another false dawn....
She seems determined enough to get the hell out of Dodge and is saying all the right words.
Yay, I'm sure most of us here have been hoping for a good outcome for you, and her ditching the lawyer sounds like the best possible outcome. Fingers crossed she really has seen the light and sticks with that decision.
Cheers, Either way I'm in a better place than I was a month or two ago. I'm seeing more opportunities than barriers and threats, so that can only ever be a good thing.
Is it wrong to find scotroutes last post amusing?
The thought had dawned on my that you might find it amusing.
Yip, sanity finally prevailed (I hope). She is going to see that lawyer tomorrow and punt them
Great news indeed, she sounds like a kee... oh no wait
Keeper - nah. Where I am consistently shit with moments of genius she is consistently mental with moments of sanity.
Well that's the separation agreement signed. Shamone mother****er.
[quote=onehundredthidiot ]Is it wrong to find scotroutes last post amusing?
Thank goodness someone appreciates my work!