Resto's are funny. I really don't like being there by myself, I go there to be with people. So I would really struggle, even on a trip, to go in myself. It's possible that up until now you just haven't been exposed to that. A local one would be even tougher as the language barrier sometimes helps (for me anyway) as it helps it seem more remote
A couple of hours before I set off the anxiety creeps in – raised heart rate and butterflies and all that. Some of this is around deadlines and missing trains but the trains are hourly. So to reduce this I am a half hour early for the train. Anxiety reducing. Get to Waverly its cancelled. Anxiety rising. I get told by an employee that actually that train is starting from Haymarket and just to get the next train to haymarket which will get me there with 10 mins to spare to get the train I want. I do this but anxiety thru the roof until I am on the right train. Once ihad checked 23 times that I was on the right train I was fine
all that is worth a little apprehension but not the disproportionate response I got
At no point was I doing the catastrophic thinking and if it had all gone wrong just getting the next train would be fine. I hadn’t even told her what train I was getting. I wasn’t thinking ” oh my god I’ll miss the train and be late” No real surface thoughts at all about it. Just a panic about finding the right train
There is a what if or catastrophe in there somewhere, you just need help trying to find it. Its unlikely you'd be anxious unless you've been triggered by something, which may even be just be an association to the surroundings themselves e.g. I'm my case being in an airport to collect my son made me nervous in Feb, even though I knew I wasn't going to fly.
Good point.
not sure if it is anxiety, or plane old 'cant be dealing with all that shit' that i suffer from.
regarding restaurant situation, i dont go in them unless there is not other option for food on a evening whilst away cycling.
cant deal with the fuss of menu's and of choosing what to have, or getting peoples attention to order, or to order more drinks, or even to get their attention for the bill.
we usually buy picnic type food from supermarkets to carry with us, and eat in the hotel room/hostel on a evening.
or a fish supper or some takeaway if in the UK.
like i said, dont really know if it is anxiety or if i am just a grumpy old **** who only likes company i can choose or know........... ;o)
hope you get is sorted mate. and keep well.
In support of TJ, and facing up to my own anxieties, I decided to walk 6km to a pub for some food. Quite enjoyed the walk but unfortunately, and without any warning, at about 4km I messed my pants. Proper mucas and shitfest in my undies. Bloody radiotherapy has knackered my bowels!
Anyway, I've carried on, got to the pub and cleaned up a bit. Sat here waiting for my food with a bit of anxiety and a very uncomfortable behind.
Leaving my waterproof over trousers on today!
Sorry Stanley but I LOLed
good on you mate.
What I am going to do is not book a restaurant but to aim to go to one midweek - but not beat myself up / push it if I struggle. I really miss eating out and my pal I had gone with a couple of times has moved out of Edinburgh
Is it worth trying to trick yourself a bit in the restaurant, either by meeting a friend there for a drink and have them promptly leave after one or to arrange dining with them and have them cancel when you get there and sat down, all pre-planned but might change the thought process a bit that you're going there alone? Guess that depends if that would trigger more anxiety or if you'd be okay once you were there looking at a menu.
I like time on my own but a nice restaurant on my own can be okay when I'm away somewhere but no chance I'd do it locally.
CBD oil?
There's been a mention of CBD Oil ^ and diazepam on here. Don't medicate. They temporarily mask the problem they do not solve it at the source and often introduce other issues. I got very reliant on Diazepam and Tamazipam until I was taking potentially deadly combo of both and was still in full on anxiety mode due to the masses of adrenaline going through my body.
Please get the proper guidance and help.
I've not had any prescribed meds the whole time and hope to keep it that way.
Well, I managed to relax a bit and enjoyed my burger. Nice pint of bitter to accompany it too.
Now for the waddle home to a much needed shower 😄
Im all over the place at the moment too. Not sleeping, not eating, surviving on caffeine and a biscuit now and then.
Normally i can side step the awful feelings of trepidation, all im doing is leaving to work in a different shop.
Got recommended an elastic band on the wrist, ypu ping it hard when you start to spiral. Ok, so its not a cure all panacea but it makes you refocus and jolts you back to a better place.
I just have that constant feeling of fear, sickness, anxiety and sheer dread very, very similar to the way you feel just before a funeral, but constantly
@tjagain we've only spoken a couple of times, and some of it was to argue, so I wanted to offer my support and say thank you for posting this.
When stress and loss (although not a partner in my case) has led to anxiety, I've found what helps me is rest, time away from home, talking to friends and family, and group counselling (it's very unburdening to share with a like-minded group, as well as one-one-one with a professional).
Jeepers singletrackmind - that puts mine in perspective. Hope it gets better.
Ta benos.
2 things from someone with zero medical knowledge, but experiences a bit of anxiety and depression at times.
1. Have you tried cold water swimming / cold showers - this definitely has helped me. I think the theory is that it's a controlled form of stress/anxiety, which leaves your body/mind better equipped to deal with it in real life. Either way, it definitely has a calming effect and leaves me happy.
2. I know a lot of people boycott them, and it isn't fine dining, but have you tried Wetherspoons alone? You can order on the app, no need to talk to anyone and can leave whenever you want without any pressure to stay as there's no courses and payment is upfront. This might act as an easier first step before trying an actual restaurant, as you know you can leave immediately if it becomes a bit much?
TJ - Its really tough and it feels really real.
Had it for years, couldn't eat out etc.
This sounds really easy but actually its really hard at first.
1/ Practice doing what you want to do and balls to the fear and reactions.
2/ Stop believing it, your creating it, that sounds really harsh I know.
3/ You can only think of one thing at a time and that becomes the - Anxiety
So learn to recognise when the thought or feeling is coming and instantly distract
your thinking to something else, notice the view, think about something else.
Do it over and over till it becomes the norm, and the learned responses your are having will subside.
The brain has an horrible way of learning how to react to things.
The book below is what helped me and now I don't really think about it.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thrive-Programme-Rob-Kelly-ebook/dp/B009GI40VW/ref=sr_1_5?crid=1WMCAH9K2821M&keywords=thrive&qid=1681481564&rnid=1642204031&s=books&sprefix=thrive%2Caps%2C116&sr=1-5
Good luck and take care.........
No expert advice, but I can relate to doing things in front of crowds but not the little things comfortably. A colleague recently went on a bit of a mental health journey and talked about it openly a lot. He had the same thing and it's down to having a plan for a period of time. In a presentation you know what you need to cover, in 2 hours at a restaurant there's a lot of unplanned time to just sit there and if you worry (consciously or not) about how you look, or what people think, or what you'll even just do - it's tough. So accept that you'll spend a lot of time on your phone, or reading a book, or just doing nothing. Have a plan for the time, maybe a plan B, plan c, a fall back. And if you need to leave because you're just not enjoying it, that's ok.
The difference of course is that you're used to having someone with you and that time would easily be filled or comfortably passed. Even with a friend, that's not guaranteed like it is with a partner.
My final point is <span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">card shop slogan I saw years ago really helped me:</span>
don't worry what others think of you, they're too busy wondering what you think of them.
Watch your heart beat.
When I suffered many years ago it resulted in very high heat beat and took a while to get back to normal(heartbeat).
I'm so sorry to hear this TJ.
I have the joy of anxiety and depression - they are linked in my case, one triggers the others and the ride begins. You may also have the combination, its not always obvious which is playing up.
Sounds like your triggers and experiences are different to mine, so I won't try and make any specific suggestions.
Best thing I did was go to my GP - I didn't want to go the medication route but it was the best decision in the end. Calmed me down and gave me time and space to get via CBT.
Individual counselling worked better for me than CBT, but it took a few sessions and lots of tears to start to feel I was back in control.
I was fairly honest and open that I was having problems, and was astonished how many friends and colleagues offered support and shared experiences
All the best. Happy to offer an ear if you need it.
It js the fear of the anxiety that keeps it going. You aren’t afraid of the restraunt, you are afraid of having anxiety at the restraunt.
You consciously need to detach from the anxiety, go to the restraunt, maybe have an anxiety attack, and enjoy the food the best tou can. Anxiety feels awful - but all it is is a feeling. You then gradually desensetize from the anxiety. (It’s just hyper elevated at the moment).
If you stop going because of the anxiety - you then end up inadvertently feeding it.
Don’t fight the anxiety, you can’t win that fight, but you can desensitise yourself from it over tine and it will go away itself.
I had very bad anxiety around 7 years ago but it’s all gone now.
I lost 3 family members 3 years in a row, the last person being 16 years ago. The biggest issue for me was I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to feel about it all, how to make any sense of it all. I either felt numb and nothing or I was full of anxiety.
It created a lot of issues and anxiety for me. I had CBT (which helped) and eventually I paid for counselling as the waiting list was too long, the whole talking and saying it all out loud to someone I didn't know helped a lot. I didn't realise how much I had ignored and buried my thoughts and feelings, looking back I spent a lot of the sessions just letting it all out...
During the counselling things got a lot worse before they started to get better, but they did get better. I still have bad times and bad days, just not as often and not as intense.
I started to understand that keeping it all inside was doing nothing good, but talking was doing something a little more positive....talking does help even if you don't want to say all that much....
All the best.
but I cannot go to a restaurant on my own
Nae probs, you an me - Bovine Glasgow, you pick up the tab 😉
I'd this the last visit.
"Chateaubriand £80
Dripping Chips, Roast Plum Tomatoes & Shallots, Field Mushrooms & Choice of Sauce "
Thats cheap!
Mind you I do like a michelin star 🙂 Dinnae like big slabs of undercooked meat either. roast tomatoes have no place on a plate.
More cash - its really only occasional usually triggered by a social event - it which case I know I'll be fine once there so "man up" and go or going to a restaurant on my own - in which case I have no idea if it would last once I was inside as I have not got that far.
Occasionally triggered by travel ie a deadline.
doing stuff with others ie social event its easier to beat it as I know I will enjoy it once there and also don't want to let folk down
I think I have built a bit of a barrier over the restaurants thing. I have identified I got less out of the big bike ride because of it so thought about going on my own here to desensitise but so far have not been able to
I've had some counselling and will have more. I was hoping someone hd an easy trick like I have used with other issues to reset my thinking.
I think I have built a bit of a barrier over the restaurants thing.
Do bbq instead with Weber Go Anyway and few bottles of beer. Much more relaxing.
I’ve had some counselling and will have more. I was hoping someone hd an easy trick like I have used with other issues to reset my thinking.
Want to reset? Think of death. Think of your own death. Think of a quick/slow/horrible/good etc death. Then give up on death. When you have given up on death there is nothing else there to fear.
Easy said than done because human are constantly burdened with/attached to responsibilities/life and this can cause a lot of overthinking.
Walk your own path.
Want to reset? Think of death. Think of your own death. Think of a quick/slow/horrible/good etc death. Then give up on death. When you have given up on death there is nothing else there to fear.
I don't see how that helps. Fear of loss? Fear of pain? Fear of losing your sanity? Fear of shitting your pants on the way to the pub? Fear of getting trolled?
I don't think anyone had said they're afraid of dying.
I can't offer any help other than to say I think I also suffer from anxiety. It means I rarely go out with my other half and her friends as I just can't handle small talk with strangers. If I have said yes or its something I can't really avoid then the anxiety, if that's what it is, starts a week or two before. It really occupies my mind a lot and starts to affect my sleep and mood. I also start looking for excuses not to go. The last time it was really bad was Xmas and spending it with my in laws. I could offer to go to dinner with you, I often have time to kill in Edinburgh twice a week whilst my daughter is at football but I might not turn up!
do it Steven!
Not read the other replies.
I suffer terribly from it at times but it’s usually sitting there at some level where I can control it.
I rarely drink coffee now and even reduce on tea if it’s particularly bad. I try to focus on what’s good and why I am being irrational about my thoughts, the counselling gave me that advice. Exercise doesn’t have to be full out physical walking the dog is mine, it’s why my other bought my new pup last year. I struggle to socialise at times, sweating, shaking, nausea and very much on edge. I do try to make myself get through it as usually once I’m at the venue it settles. I also try to get out where there’s people, walk into town to a bar, was having coffee, now it’ll be a soft drink or a beer. Alcohol can be my cure but very much my downfall too. Lack of sleep makes it much worse too where to the point I find it hard to function.
Best thing it to open and honest with people, lots will help buy just talking to you or getting you out somewhere in ‘safe environment’.
Its obvious folk some folk on here have got this much worse than me. Its just particular and occasional situations trigger it and has no effect overall on my life. Its just its new to me
Ta for your thoughts folk.
Maybe some do have it worse, but this doesn't make your issues any less valid or important.
Not what I meant but ta
Its obvious folk some folk on here have got this much worse than me. Its just particular and occasional situations trigger it and has no effect overall on my life. Its just its new to me
I hope it stays that way I’m on Sertaline have been for a years now, it keeps me functioning wish I’d started on it before I did. Mine stems from work and linked to PTSD.
I certainly got some ptsd type symptoms after caring for Julie.
Ta
First of all my sympathies and secondly apologies to all as I’ve not read the whole thread. But great to see so much openness and honesty. It certainly helps me
I had a brief period of generalised anxiety about 10 years ago. Probably linked to 2 other family members having health issues and work pressure
For me Mindfulness practice has been really useful. I can explain why and how if that’s of interest. But this book is amazing. It’s by the team that got mindfulness approved by NICE as a treatment for anxiety and depression
Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world https://amzn.eu/d/7GaT4Ls
Very much what’ll be TJ. You’ve done the right thing asking for help.
Weird thing is most of the PTSD type stuff has gone - the flashbacks and the nightmares. I sleep fine.
The " I'm proud of what I did" repeated during every flashback has shifted that emotion from pain to pride and the flashbacks have pretty much gone and are much less painful when they do come. That simplistic thing in a CBT style has helped hugely. I guess I was hoping somone had something similar to help with the anxiety.
I hate brains. They let you down all the time. I think I shall go and be a tree and just stand on the hillside for a couple of hundred years. You never hear of trees being full of angst 🙂
You never hear of trees being full of angst 🙂
Full of ants though, perhaps! Which would you prefer? Swings and roundabouts 🤷♂️😉
I agree with most of the above, but I will also say, allow yourself breath a bit.
You don't need to always be on the go and doing self improvement, days here and there watching rom-coms, or playing your favorite computer game, or whatever.. whilst eating a bucket of hot wings with an ice cream desert is nice too.
Don't be too hard on yourself, you're your own harshest judge, trust me, no one else will judge you harder, they are too busy judging themselves!
There seems to be a thing in society where everyone must be super succsesfsul and on the up at all times... and demonstrate it to others.
I think we all need to realise that it's ok to be upset and ok to take time out to chill, reflect, gather your thoughts etc.
don’t see how that helps. Fear of loss? Fear of pain? Fear of losing your sanity? Fear of shitting your pants on the way to the pub? Fear of getting trolled?
I don’t think anyone had said they’re afraid of dying.
All those fears mentioned will lead to various degree of stress/anxiety/fear etc but deep down it is a fear of a bad death, like leaving the material world behind unfulfilled. i.e. I have not done that or this etc, I haven't met or told my friends or I wish I could have done that or this etc.
If a person is not fearful or afraid of dying then that person would not get severe stress etc.
The person will just let it be and live a day at a time burden free.
Chewkw - really? My partner died. I have seen hundreds of people die as a paliative care nurse.. I know deep in my gut what a good death is. I am lobbying hard for the scottish bill on assisted dying. I doubt there are many on here who know as much about death as me. Death holds no fear for me
gies a break
If a person is not fearful or afraid of dying then that person would not get severe stress etc.
The person will just let it be and live a day at a time burden free.
You live by that theory if you wish but I don't agree in the slightest. Lots of people struggling with stress who likely haven't given much thought to their death. I'm one! Or rather, I was.
Chewkw – really? My partner died. I have seen hundreds of people die as a paliative care nurse.. I know deep in my gut what a good death is. I am lobbying hard for the scottish bill on assisted dying. I doubt there are many on here who know as much about death as me. Death holds no fear for me
gies a break
Before anyone tries to accuse me of trolling in any form, which I am not may need to consider that I view it from the perspective of death. i.e. it was my own technique of coping that I thought might share with you (plural). It is not a matter of "joke" when someone suffers.
It works for me, take what works and leave that doesn't. Agree or disagree that's fine but I ain't making lite of the situation.
What I said might not help you but it might for others.
As much as what I have said might not sound like normal English, I see it from the point of death.
No bad intention from my part other than perhaps my own technique that works for me.
I will stop now.
We all walk our own path alone.
You live by that theory if you wish but I don’t agree in the slightest. Lots of people struggling with stress who likely haven’t given much thought to their death. I’m one! Or rather, I was.
I shall ask this same question that I was once asked. (took me 5 to 6 years to simply understand the meaning of this question)
What/why are you afraid / fearful of?
(I don't think I can translate the question properly nor the condition/situation in which this question was asked because the question is both what and why but spoken in a different language)
Answer that question from deep inside you and you might solve or find the right solution yourself to your anxiety etc. The process is very slow. Not something that can be done in an instant, but when you find the answer you will know it.
jesus, let the guy greive, it's a process. It might take a few months, it might take a few years, it doesn't matter to you.
@TJ... you've probably seen a lot more death than most, so don't think yourself less than anyone.
If anything, you are stronger than most. But don't be deluded that it affects you in ways you don't realise.
Take some time out, to think. That's healthy and normal.
Tj, how about you let us know when you are going out to eat and you can have your back up team (us!) just a key board away.
Talk to us ,as you would a real live person.
How about a virtual lunch tomorrow?
