[Closed] Adult kids moving back home ... share your experiences

Did you read the small print before having children 😉

Do what my parents did: same rules as when I was a teenager.

I moved back out middle of the second week.

make them pay rent+bills. its a great motivator

i had to pay 15% of what I earnt from the age of 18 and as such only lived there for a 3 month stint in 15 years.

I don't want it to but I'm a parent so will face up to my responsibilities.

Not sure I follow. How old are returning kiddies? Why are they moving back home, when will they learn to stand on their own two feet. Maybe it's just me but since leaving home at 21 I've never considered going back despite 3 redundancies and other life setbacks.

In writing! For your own kids, lol!

Completely irrelevant post but my brother still lives with my parents - 25 now - and neither he nor my parents would want it any other way. If I was not living on a whole different country I'd probably be the same. He just finished his conscription in the army and will be back in the island living in the same house as my parents for the next six months.

After 11 years in the UK I am still amazed at how different parent/kids relationships are over here.

so will face up to my responsibilities.

They're adults, not kids. They need to face up to their responsibilities. Set rules to minimise the impact on you, ask for board, explain that you want the situation to be as temporary as possible. Don't they have friends that they can go and doss at?
When I was young, moving back home was seen as letting down your generation 😉

Thanks for replies. Believe me, my 25 year old son doesn't want to having lived away from home since Uni. He's unemployed, could live with his father but there is more chance of him finding work in my area.

I'm the mother from hell, aren't I?

I'm the mother from hell, aren't I?

Yep, you will burn there as well 😉

Moved out at 19. Moved back for 4 months when I was 30 and came back from travelling. Loved it, as did they. Really nice to spend time with my parents.

We did behave as adults to each other though, they treated me as an adult and I behaved as I would sharing a house with any other adults. We also spent lots of time chatting, that we hadn't been able to do for the previous 10 years. Thats the key I think, niether parents or children slipping back into ways of behaving built over 16 years!

It was funny though the first week I was back getting my mum to say to the Finance Director of the company for whom I had been doing consultancy work before I left when he rang; "oh no he isn't back in the country yet, I'm sure he will want to work for you when he is back!"

So ... should I set out the ground rules from the outset? In writing? Tough love?

Yes. Or see if your riding buddies have a spare bike and ride some trails with him, share a few brews and just when he least expects it give him the advice, guidance and encouragement that'll help him. He [i]might[/i] listen.

Eldest girl 23 has moved out 4 times and boomerranged back each time as no money to go out enjoying herself .

other daughter moved out too a bit later .

now both back we had a glorious 2 weeks home alone .

set out the rules and stick to them or they will take the piss
Mrs trout is angry the lazy sods dont help and think cos they pay a whacking 200 pm that we are there to tend to all their stuff .

Bit different if your lad is out of work and needs your support but dont let him think you are an easy meal ticket .
and if you are out working and he is not then the house should be spotless

Nah not evil just different 🙂

thanks for scaring the s**t out of me mine haven't even left yet and i hadn't considered the possibility of a return after they have left!'

I once had an acquaintance who decided to return to his family's loving bosom after years of 'decadent living'. He knocked on the door and was met by a complete stranger. His mum and dad had moved a year before and not told him...

Tell him that you now have Compulsive Cleaning Disorder and that you can't help going mental if so much as a cushion is out of shape on the sofa. He won't last long and it's not you, it's your CCD.

i moved out aged 17, am now about to move back in at 36 with mrs and kids in tow!!!! we are having building work so should be in for around 4 months...could be fun!!!

I'm 40 this year but came at this from the other side , got kicked out at 17 as in mums words 'me and berni are getting married and I don't think you 2 will get on living together'.

My dad was unable to help as he was re-married with 2 young children in a 2 bed house so my dad's mate who worked in the council at housing pulled a few strings and got me a flat , all was well till I turned 18 and got a credit card! I think you can guess the rest.

18 months later I'm up to my eyeballs in debt and about to be kicked out of the council flat. Mum bailed me out to the tune of £1500 not a lot by todays standards but a small fortune to me then. I moved back home under the proviso that I would pay 25% of everything except the mortgage and do a fair share of household chores i.e. I was paying my way and not being kept apart from the roof over my head.

i got a part time pub job on top of my normal job and paid mum back everything in 6 months then 4 months after that got my firts mortgage with my girlfriend(who's now my wife)

As long as you're son understands it's not a holiday camp you should be fine.

LOL.

Well, I just got divorced, and sold the 'marital' home (read Hell). I couldn't tie in my next purchase with the sale of Hell so I've moved back in with Mater and Pater.

I put most of my stuff into storage so I'm not being a space burden. I cook for them, I clean when I'm allowed (they don't often allow me) and I try to be as inobtrusive as I can.

A little give on both sides helps it all run smoothly.

The only downside is, at 42, it's rather embarassing to be living at home with your parents, knowing your mother will once again be washing and folding your underpants (shudders!).

I cling to the knowledge that on April 13th my new house completes......

Well, there's certainly been some very interesting replies and observations so thank you all.

I do reckon that this will become more common as offspring are struggling to save enough for a deposit to get on the house-buying ladder.

@ carlos - that must have been an awful situation for you but you have done very well to have come through it.

@ Andy - terrific comment from your mother 🙂

Biking suggestion - yep done that. Got him a lovely Sirius built up, then he left the country 🙄

There's a very good chance that I will try and persuade his dad to take him off my hands for the odd weekend to give me a break.

Don't think I mentioned his clinical depression ...

2 Daughters moved back at various times and 2 totally different experiences.

The first couldn't understand that she was being treated as an adult not a kid and that the other people in the house we adults. She actually suggested to her mother that I should be moved out because I was disrupting the mother daughter balance.

The second was just like having a friend to stay and it has been great.

It is more down to the relationship with the people and their view of you rather than and 'rules' that they may or may not abide by.

Good Luck

I did it when I was 30 for a few months. It was OK. My sister did the same at a similar age.

Set the ground rules. If he can't contribute much financially he must do so with labour - DIY / Cleaning etc

There's a very good chance that I will try and persuade his dad to take him off my hands for the odd weekend to give me a break.

It's only fair.

my 18yr old son, his 17yr old girlfriend and our 7 month old grandaughter moved into ours a month ago.
it has been a very very long and testing month.

are you my parents ?

im 23 im moving back in with my parents for a prestated 2 months as we are in limbo over houses.

Cant move till we know where my girlfriends probhation years gonna be and our current flat is no good.

my parents have been very good in that they are not charging rent as we will be saving for furnishing our new place - as we are looking for an unfurnished cottage/house in the country and they aint 10 a penny - but do exist

id say it depends on circumstances - is it because they are skint or is it like rs**** above outside their control

I moved back into my mums place when I was about 30 and stayed there for two years. It's a large detatched five bedroom house with a big garden and I had to pay my share of the rent. I also had to be live in 'landlord', got to choose who rented the other rooms and make sure everyone did their fair share of keeping the place clean etc since mother didn't live there. We had a great laugh, loads of boozy w/ends, garden parites and barbecues etc... great times.

Kev

I moved back in for about 5 months when I was 29/30. I'd been working abroad and wanted to return to UK, but got fed up of returning for interviews and not getting the job.
So Mum suggested jacking in my job abroad and moving back home. I quickly found a temporary job, and within 3 months found a teaching post. I paid rent, and did all my own washing, ironing etc.
I found it very difficult living with her again as I had been used to living by myself for 8 yrs! We both knew it was only temporary though, which made it easier.
As well as the job though I also found MrFC, so I had more than one reason to find my own place as soon as I started work!!!! 8)

weeps working out what year this is for me ....gues I should go somehwere abroad when I retire to avoid this 😉

pretty harsh/wierd if you dont let your own child move back to your house, especially if they're stuggling to find work...so strange...

pretty harsh/wierd if you dont let your own child move back to your house, especially if they're stuggling to find work...so strange...

Rest assured, I am definitely not heartless. 🙂

We moved in with the mother in law mid Decemeber after selling our house and having to break the chain before our new house was ready.

We are still here but with hoepfully 13 more sleeps until we get the keys.

3 words sum it up.

IT'S BEEN HELL...........................

Jesus they're your kids and shouldn't you be there for them at all times anyway? If they were untidy and messy when they lived with you before then yeah, set out ground rules and let them know but don't make them feel uncomfortable. I always felt when I moved back in when my marriage failed that it wasn't right as I'd had my own space and I missed that very much. But everyones circumstances are different and so do what you feel is right. As long as mine didn't destroy my house now I'd let them come back any day.

Hm, if he is clinically depressed one more reason to keep him closer at home?

I went through a time in my life when I felt like I had nothing to live for, no job a failed relationship after 6 years, living in a place without knowing anyone no local friends, I doubt I would have ever made it without knowing that if worse came to worse I had a welcoming home and a loving caring family to go back to.

When the kids want somewhere to live when theyre out of a job or divorceing, strange how they move back home, then when you become old and need someone to care for you, they shove you in a care home and sell your house.

A long time ago, I moved back home at 20 (for 6 months).

The rule at my folks was you paid £20 per week, whether working or not. Consequently my brother who was unemployed had about £5 a week left.

My folks didn't need the cash, but it was an 'incentive' to earn. I saved enough in the 6 months for a deposit on a flat.

I'd do the same now with my kids (I've 3), they will be always welcome.

I moved back in with parents for a while when i was splitting up with 1st wife, and when recovering from some injuries (when i was 30ish). Got under each others feet a bit but that was probably because i didn't have a telly in my room and i was working with dad at the time. Saved a load of money though by paying them hardly anything for my keep 😳

C_G

Having been in a similar situation as your Son not that long ago, I have to say take a look at it from his side of things too. I can't thank my stepmother enough for being patient with me (and bearing in mind I'm not even related to her) for putting up with me whilst I was unemployed. We had previously not had the best of relationships, but after my Dad left her and then I lost my job, we began to get on a whole lot better. OK at 28 (at the time) I was a lot more mature than your average youth that has just moved back home, so was very conscientious about making sure I left things clean and tidy, and trying to do my bit around the house, even if that was primarily just not making any mess in the first place.

One thing I will say that I think made the whole thing work was that we did give each other plenty of space (quite hard when if you're unemployed, even leaving the house is an expense you can ill afford!), but also that I was VERY actively seeking work. When looked at from her side, I could imagine that if I was being rather slack about finding work that it would be absolutely infuriating, but that I was being very proactive about it made her a lot more understanding. To be fair though, I'd been totally self sufficient for a good few years at this point, being at home and unemployed was soul destroying for me, so I wanted to sort it out ASAP!

A Few ground rules and some trust are required... And not the sort of "You must be home by 11" kind of ground rules, but just about house cleanliness and standards, sharing the workload, and obvious evidence of having looked for work actively.

Good luck to the both of you, I hope it all works out!

Oh, and to be fair, I'm sure you're a cool Mum anyway, riding bikes and having loads of mates over for parties etc... Way better than most! 😉

As well c_g...he won't be moving back into the family home of his youth which I think will make it easier for you.
When I moved back home it was to my old family house, so it was very easy to behave just as I had at 16/17/18 (not that I did, but I suppose I still viewed it as "my" house!)
My mum has since down-sized to a bungalow and I now see that very much as her home.

Stock up on bevvy! good luck!!!

Once they are adults they should stand on their own feet .I can't imagine my parents wanting me moving back in ,and who would want to ,it makes you a sad loser who can't afford to run their own life properly.

@ carlos - that must have been an awful situation for you but you have done very well to have come through it.

I was more angry with mum at the time and we didn't speak for nearly 10 months , but I've got skin thicker than a rhino and am extremly hard to offend. I'm very lucky now to be in a very secure and loving relationship and with my own young family , to be honest I try not to concern myself too much with things that happen outside of it.

I can't imagine my parents wanting me moving back in ,and who would want to ,it makes you a sad loser who can't afford to run their own life properly

lol. That's me 🙂

however I can afford to run my life properly. I just keep making a mess of it

MUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!

My brother moved in with my Dad and stepmum when he was 30 for about 6 months before he emigrated to Australia. I know that my Dad really appreciated the time they shared, especially so now we've not seen him for 5 years. I'd look on this as a great opportunity to spend time with your son 🙂

I know my brother was a bit wild when he lived away, but definitely behaved himself at Dad's to keep the peace. I wouldn't bother with ground rules and so on, just see what happens for the first couple of weeks to see if he's house trained yet. Look on it as a different situation than how your relationship was before he left the first time and I think it'll be interesting. And you need to get him out on a ride! Happy to do short distances in nice locations if you need company 🙂

Mam & dad up and left when i was 15/16 doing my gcse's. Left me in the house under the provisor that i covered the council tax (£100 per month). At that age i was earning £25 per week on sat job so i had didly squat to live on. Ended up owing £1100 after 12mths and had to get a loan out when my dad came home for a flying visit and the council were about to get a ccj for the money. I was made to pay the money regardless.

19yrs later, hell would have to freeze over before i would move back in with my parents. I have a mother and father in law who i deem my 'parents' now and even then i would shovel shit with my bare hands before i let my family lose the roof over their heads.

Kids these days may not have the same priorities though 😉

Whatever happens your kids will always be your kids even if they are in their fifty,s

I have no problem with my kids coming back when they are older and move out, they will always be my children not matter what age. So for me I will always try and do as much as I can pending I am alive. I have made provision for them to be looked after when I die and to give as much help whilst I am alive. My parents gave me, brother & sister deposit for 1st property and I intend to follow suit.

That said I dont look forward to them moving out, they are my life.

I can't wait for the peace and quiet of an empty house. Where at least I have run up the bills on my own without help from kids who contribute only a very small amount to running the house!!

I changed the locks once they left.

Think I'm gonna have to live with my parents for ages until I get a decent job. I'm 21, about to finish uni, but as I'm doing a fairly useless (but fun) degree I can't see a good job coming out of it for a long time :\

I moved back with parents after 10 yrs in army and my sister was there at the same time after a divorce. Both of us in our thirties ignored any ground rules! Recently(ten years later) suggested to my mum that my wife and I could possibly do with moving in with them for a couple of months due to house move the response from my mum and dad was no way. Honestly can't understand or forgive their attitude. I have two step daughters in their mid twenties and would welcome them back at any time.

Both of us in our thirties ignored any ground rules!

...the response from my mum and dad was no way. Honestly can't understand or forgive there attitude.

I think the first may answer the second. 😉

Moved back in with my parents once after having moved out about 2 years earlier. Not the easiest person to live with to be fair. 😆

My mum burst into tears (of sorrow) when I told her I had to move back in but to be fair, having lived myself for a couple of years I had a much better idea of what was expected of me. Lasted about 6 months before I found somewhere else to stay.

My mum has told me that no matter what happens, there's always a bed for me at their house.

Simple rules are what are required, and an understanding that the day you ask him to leave, he goes.

I'd set a deadline for exit, and an interim deadline for when he starts contributing financially (irrespective of his working situation).

Most if all, it will do him plenty of good, I'm sure, to have as much structure as possibler, so this means splitting responsibility for cooking, cleaning, clothes washing, shopping (even if you're paying), etc. He needs to be actively looking for work - define that as suits.

But, you also need to consider that you have a guest in the house, so can't continue as you do without considering him.

(I love my parents dearly, but the last time I tried living with them between university and law school for a couple of months, I nearly went insane. I'm 33, effectively moved out at 19 (but for that hiatus), and am happy with that. My sister is 31 and has never left. I have always paid my way, she lives off my parents and has only had a proper job for the last 18 months. That sort of sponging makes me f---ing furious.)

'Home' - Definition:
If you HAVE to go there, they HAVE to let you in :-).

I'm an aduly who moved back home (it's interesting, everyone calls it "home", even when I was away this was home not where i lived). Supposed to be a short term thing after an ugly breakup but that was a while ago now, for various reasons.

It works pretty well, but that's mostly because I'm not an arse, I don't treat it like a hotel and I remember they did me a big favour. But they do like having someone around, to be honest I don't think it would be workable if they didn't but my mum was pretty unhappy when we all moved out. And then me and one of my brothers both moved back

The guy who runs my LBS still lives with his mum , must be about 55 or 60 never moved out i think, rides his old commuter to work and builds the best wheels ever, pretty sure he is mentioned quite alot in Greame Obree's book The Flying Scotsman

Please kick them out when they have a stable income or if they choose to explore the world themselves not because they are 18.

I do not see any reason why there cannot be one or two generations living in a same house if the house is big enough and everyone respect each other.

To expect one to be independent (earn enough to support self) immediately when one reaches 18 is over simplistic.

Obviously, if they want to stay with the parents they must follow rules set by the parents. Simple.

🙄

Once they are adults they should stand on their own feet .I can't imagine my parents wanting me moving back in ,and who would want to ,it makes you a sad loser who can't afford to run their own life properly.

**** me what a charmed life some people lead!!! 😯

Shit happens, relationships break up, people lose their jobs. To say you must be a sad loser to have to move back in with your parents for a while is making a very snap judgment about someone when you don't know any of the facts at all...

But then this is the STW forum I suppose, what more should I expect? 😕

You're bound to have mixed feelings about it. Doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother. I imagine after recent events you are protective of your space because you are still slightly fragile and need a safe private place. I hope it works out.

In some cultures it's quite normal for extended families to live together, but unusual in ours.

A thought, if he didn't have you, what would he do? I didn't have anyone or anywhere to go when I was 17 and it made me (wo)man up and go to work, rent a bedsit etc. I didn't have the luxury of a parental home to fall back on.

You've got the forum and friends to rant to if you need. x

I think the key is maybe to treat 'returners' as adults and not let them revert to childlike behaviour, or for you to return to being 'just mum'.

A friends kids have both moved back home after 1 and more years away. They are nice, but it seems to have gone back to their mum doing all the cleaning, most of the cooking, all the washing etc rather than everyone taking it in turns or to at least do thier own. She said the other day 'I don't know how X is going to manage when he leaves home and has to cope with washing own clothes', yet this offspring is a returner! It seems to me such a situation makes the parents life much harder and (perhaps deliberately if one or both parents are needy for status) weakens the returners ability to maintain or go back to being an independent, self sufficient adult. Really it undermines everyone as it stops all parties from moving forward and developing.

I would suggest you talk to your adult returner and both agree to a joint set of rules applicable to both of you as flatmates, and as someone said above, try hard not to slip back into the parent/little kid relationship and seek out a new full adult friendship. I think you have the right attitude to setting out who you and your returner are going to 'be' before anyone actually moves in.

I to had this. I'd lived away from home since 18. Bought my 1st house at 25, and within 3 months my partner and I split ip cos she'd been cheating on me( since before we bought it). Had to live with her for another 9 months cos we couldn't afford the house seperately. When it sold I moved in with my parents. My mother couldn't have been happier but my dad wasn't too impressed (however he would never have seen me struggling, he'd just got used to his own space and he was really helpful) I was to contribute to the bills and do my share of chores, however my mam alawys wanted to do everything and fussed over me cos her little boy was home again! She loved it, and so did I! Good times but after a year of getting on my feet again I was pleased to get my own pad and space again with my now wife!

From my own experience - as a returnee - I'd suggest making it clear that you are now their parent AND their landlord. Rent and bills get paid, they do their share of the jobs, rules about visitors and stay overs. If nothing else, it focuses their minds on the benefits of finding their own place as soon as they can!

For all those asking money from their kids to stay with them and whatnot, would you pay them rent/bills let them run your life if you needed for whatever reason to stay with them ? Bizzarre to say the least.

Bills need to be paid vrapan, and if the returning kids are running up alot more than usual then why not?? They are/should be earning.

I took it for granted that I'd be paying my way. If I was unemployed or otherwise destitute that might be different but FFS, I'm earning, why should I get a free ride? Silly tbh.

What I meant was if you as a parent needed to stay with your kids, would you pay them for that? I don't know but far as I am concerned if/when my parents come stay with me for a month or two I wouldn't even dream asking them a penny, same goes for my bro who is coming over and staying for a month with me. I can't understand those financial arrangements between families.

If my parents/bro need my help I will be glad to offer it and they will do the same.

So you would ponce off your parents and not pay your way?Make them suffer financial hardship and not spend your money on bills etc?

then when you become old and need someone to care for you, they shove you in a care home and sell your house.

you volunteer to have kids, they don't get that choice 🙂

Edirc I don't see it that way. If you live with your parents at 30 you have reasons (unemployed, cant afford a place of your own you like living with your parents/they like having you around). if you have an income of course you'd contribute to the household what I am amazed is the whole rigid pay rent pay bills kind of culture.

Also what financial hardship is it an extra human being in a house? It is not like that their mortgage/electric/land line rental/council tax goes up by a third. All those they would pay regardless so really the main expense is an extra portion of food a few times a day...! I mean seriously if my parents couldn't afford that I'd already be helping them financially even though I don't live with them.

I go back home a couple times a year and stay a couple of weeks each time. I do eat their food, make phone calls on their phone and use a bit of electric. If I told my mom how much I should pay for it she'd probably slap me and tell me to shut up and my mom never does either :p

I'm up at my parents house at the moment - brought the kids up for the school holidays as its a nice base location for going and exploring the North.

My tolerance level is about twenty minutes, after which I start pulling (whats left) of my hair out - as for the possibility of moving back in, I'd sooner sleep on a park bench!

Nothing against them, they're lovely - just really, really annoying!

I almost moved back in to my folks' home. Jeez, how glad I am it was [i]almost[/i].

Blimey, will I get a visit from Social Services this week then? 😯

Rest assured I will always be there for my children BUT there will be rules, clearly stated from the outset. My original post was rather tongue-in-cheek as some of you realised!

Can't believe some of the situations people have had to deal with, and dealt with admirably too. Well done to those who have experienced tough times and managed to come through it, hopefully unscathed. What a huge learning curve life is sometimes. 🙂

Thank you for sharing your experiences, it's been enlightening.

My youngest daughter is doing a nursing degree at Plymouth, part of the time she has "placements" at various hospitals her current one is here in Taunton (10weeks) her next one is a few miles away in Bridgwater (12weeks), so not only do we have the pleasure of her company, we get to pay £480 a month for her accomodation at Plymouth 😥
Now the elder daughter (doing a teaching degree at Bristol) tells us she's coming home to live as she's going to commute next year. 🙄

Dibbs if you have got a bit of space you could always adopt me 😉

I would be like the son you never ever wanted 😆

vrapan

Its two very different things to go to stay for a extended holiday from an indefinite period - and if my parents wanted to move in with me ( god forbid - I am the easy going on in my family) then if it was for more than a couple of weeks I would expect a financial contribution - after all they have loaned me money and charged interest and when I went back as a returner I paid dig money once I got a job.

Hello.

Writing from the other end of the story, I had to move in with my folks last year, and things can be bloody awful. Parents can forget that their *children* are grown adults (I moved out and bought a house at 21) I'm 30 in April. While I didn't have the money to pay for rent etc, being fairly handy around the house I put a new roof on the garage, loft ladder and some boarding, sorted some wiring/lighting out, carried out all the servicing and such like to both cars and got 'em a great deal on Sky tv (which is what they wanted). etc etc etc etc.

If he's old enough to live on his own he's old enough to understand you have your life too - just as he has his own, so send him over to his mates/girlfriend/whatever over a weekend?

Hope all goes well for you and life doesn't go mental!