[Closed] A genuine, "has someone you know..." question.

They said they felt very excited at the start, found something they felt was missing. It was apparently a meeting on a business trip that unexpectedly had the chance to flourish with more time in that area.

After a while the excitement got tinged with guilt. No strings suddenly got very complicated. Turned out the mistress had a few issues and it wasnt a longterm option. Choices had to be made. He stayed with his wife and got that back on track. Some guilt about messing the mistress about, less so about the wife, I think.

I knew he'd been having problems, wasn't comfortable being in on the secret. Realised that if I ever found a woman with low self esteem and expectations offering me an affair, I'd give it a miss!

Yes. Honestly, I thought she was deluded. I didn't say this.

Someone I know started necking another lass at a party, whilst his wife was at home. Then said she attacked him!

It is worth noting the point that Dan Savage has made repeatedly over the years:

We all hear about the affairs that ruin marriages, in gruesome detail. We hear relatively little about the affairs that save marriages.

🙂

BigDummy makes a good point, think my mate "needed" that affair in some way to make him see what he had and fix it. Therapy would have been the morally accepted option, of course.

lose lips sink ships matey. First rule of fight club and all that...

As the worldly wise Joey Tribiani said - there's always a trail, no matter how careful you think you've been, there's a trail.

Therapy would have been the morally accepted option, of course.

While this isn't wrong, my experience of couples therapy is that it makes things worse, and going by yourself results in an attractive woman in spectacles getting you to admit you should probably get round to leaving your wife soon. As it also costs a small fortune and is difficult to conceal, I'm not really sure it's any better. YMMV 😉

Shagging someone when you should be shagging someone else is pretty much always going to end badly

attractive woman in spectacles getting you to admit you should probably get round to leaving your wife soon

I think there's a story in there I'd like to hear. Preferably with pictures of the attractive lady in glasses.

I know a few serial ratbags. One of them is a morally good person overall, it's just a weakness he has, the other two are horrid people.
A lot of people have affairs just to liven up their boring lives.

I think there's a story in there I'd like to hear. Preferably with pictures of the attractive lady in glasses.

I hope the roll of DPM makes an appearance. 🙂

I hope the roll of DPM makes an appearance.

Proof, if any were needed, that everything on the internet lives forever. 😀

On this occasion, the roll of DPM is not involved.

My mum, seriously.
It was a couple of years after my dad had died and I'd left home. It was the bloke from a couple she was good friends with.
I could understand her reasons, she was lonely and it gave her self worth a bit of a boost.
I wasnt cross but suggested she should think about how she would have felt if dad was cheating on her (it was suspected he did, but nothing conclusive). She ended it shortly afterwards.
It didn't change my view of my mum, but I can see why it happened.
People who have full on affairs whilst still with someone else though. You cant have your cake and eat it. IMO.

No matter how few people you tell (or tell no one at all), ultimately two people will always know and you will be one of them. If you are comfortable with that and the knowledge of betrayal, then fine.

Personally, it's not for me. You make a promise to someone (for example, by marrying them), you owe it to yourself and to them to keep the promise.

I know of a few people that had affairs.

I'm ashamed to admit that I cheated on my fiance which then led to us splitting up and me marrying the girl I cheated on her with. Ironically, that marriage ended 7 years later when my wife thought I had cheated on her. I hadn't and I took a lie detector test to prove to her that I'd been faithful but by then we realised that the relationship was over. Even though I hadn't cheated on her, the shock waves were the same, the arguments just as bad, the pain just as great. Whilst it was traumatic at the time, she is now one of my best friends - silver linings and all that.

When I cheated on my fiance I was wracked with guilt for years, which also impacted my relationship with my wife. I last saw her at my brother's wedding, probably 9 years after we'd split. She's moved on, married with kids and got the life she wanted that I was reluctant to provide. Even after 9 years all I could do was apologise.

I've also been on the receiving end and I still don't know what's worse.

I took a lie detector test to prove to her that I'd been faithful but by then we realised that the relationship was over.

Jeremy and the audience should have been a big hint that all was not well.

Got a friend who it turns out is a serial cheater, no idea why, he turned his wife from a sweetheart into a bitter wreck of a woman.

Have tried to talk to him about it but still none the wiser. The damage it has caused has been far ranging and affected his kids badly. He is happily with someone 20 years younger than him, just wonder how long until he repeats his behaviour

I took a lie detector test

Sofabear - did you go on Jeremy Kyle?

A few years ago, a load of us went to Berlin on a stag do. My best mate (not the groom, BTW), who'd been in his long term relationship for seven years at this time became smitten with a lady of purchasable virtue and expressed his intention to sample the wares.

I asked him if he'd taken leave of his senses and reminded him of who he'd left at home, at which point he explained that he'd punch my lights out if I attempted to moralise with him further.

For my part, I was deeply shocked. It definitely cast a dark shadow over our friendship.

Sounds like a questionnaire for a college project.

Nah never been unfaithful.

I've had it done on me though, can't say it was the nicest thing on the planet and it was by my [i]then[/i] best mate and obvs my [i]then[/i] Ex.

Caused all sorts of hassle, nasty recriminations, guilt and eventually lost both best mate and G/f.

I think at the time (long time ago now) that the loss of best mate was harder. The action and being caught lead to a very sad end to my best mate who whilst fleeing the situation jumped on his motorbike and headed home only to be killed on the way.

Action/reaction, whatever.. very sad.

Also, having worked where I do, you do hear of the odd fling. Never caught anyone in the filing cabinet (like the stories of old) but have had a couple of colleagues confess to EMA's with other staff from other institutions in the same local. Those type of affairs I think are more common than anyone cares to admit, so most are subtle one nighter's or last for a few weeks until either one finds out that the fling is turning sour.
There is lot of male and female testosterone zipping around the air here.....

I asked him if he'd taken leave of his senses and reminded him of who he'd left at home, at which point he explained that he'd punch my lights out if I attempted to moralise with him further.

What an arse!

What an arse!

This sentiment is probably what caused the bloke to take leave of his senses in the first place, i'll warrant.

Don't judge him too harshly.

I know that's easy for me to say, but I came away from that weekend quite shocked at how some of my so called mates behaved towards the women who's services were on sale. On the grand scale of misdemeanour, his wasn't the most shocking incident that evening. I recall a conversation with a guy who'd always maintained a number of platonic female friendships, who was quite glib about attempting to "kick the back doors in" of a nineteen year old art student from St Petersburg, who loved architecture, ballet and who hadn't discussed with her friends and folks how she made ends meet while studying.

Of all of us on the trip, the only ones who didn't partake were the two of us who were single at the time. We ended up having a drink with two of the girls as they finished their shift and came off duty, it was sobering to realise that we were the first men that evening to ask them anything about themselves that didn't involve objectifying them.

Not exactly, but at a previous employer (big multinational) there were two people from different countries / offices in the European region who were known to be at it. Both were married with kids, but every time we met up for a EU sales meeting, or a business unit meeting they were both at, and they'd be all over each other like a rash. It was just accepted, only thing i can think of is that they were both Southern Europeans where maybe extra-marital activity while not expressly allowed is maybe a little more accepted? To us staid Northern Europeans, it was 😯

I also have a mate (now sadly died) who for various reasons didn't want to separate from his wife (bringing up kids, mainly), in a relationship that was essentially very functional as a partnership but where his needs and her wishes post menopause were distinctly at odds. They were basically very good friends and parents, just no longer lovers. He had Carte Blanche to do whatever he needed as long as it never came home, either in the form of a greedy mistress or a STD. Despite having permission he never truly managed to avoid feeling guilty, even when it was a financial transaction. Again - maybe that Britishness.

Never been married but often have multiple sexual partners. Many have been married.
I don't even understand the question.

perchypanther - Member

Jeremy and the audience should have been a big hint that all was not well.

I'm not exactly the quickest bunny in the bush. It was still a few weeks after the test that we finally admitted it was time to move on from each other.

gobuchul - Member

Sofabear - did you go on Jeremy Kyle?

Nope, found a polygrapher who didn't do any of the talk shows. Four polygraphers in the UK, only one didn't do the talk shows and he lived three streets away from me.

Threads like this make me wonder whether the concept of monogamy as a default is outdated for a percentage of people (though I've friends in various degrees of poly or otherwise open relationships so I've a reasonable amount of experience in what I've seen work for some folk and what hasn't). Is there an element of "we've always done it this way" perhaps?

Because really, isn't the biggest problem actually the "cheating" aspect; the lies and deceit that come hand in hand with the majority of affairs? And perhaps insecurity a close second (what if they find someone better / don't come back?)

If you're secure in your relationship and you're not putting a regular partner at a detriment, you're not bringing galloping nob-rot home with you, [i]and you're being honest with each other, [/i]where's the harm?

All that said, I don't think it's for me. I'm more than happy with what I have, and very much doubt that I'd have the time or energy for anyone else in my life. Maybe 20 years ago it'd have been a different story... (-:

If affairs were out in the open, they wouldn't be so exciting.

very much doubt that I'd have the time or energy for anyone else in my life

This... a thousand times

One women is more than enough .... you must be mental to take on another

😆

think theres a marked difference between one night stands and affairs. i married young, always sort of knew we'd never be together forever and 'every chance turned down was a chance wasted' etc so took every opportunity every week in the pubs and clubs. think theres also a bit of bravado/ego involved with this, your mates would see you as a 'bit of lad', they did the same, some of the situations we got ourselves into would create a good laugh down the pub etc.
id never have been able to carry a full-blown affair tho, id have slipped up somewhere with the cascade of lies required for it, im not too good at that, too forgetful as well, id have been caught out.

obviously as expected we split, through being totally different personalities, not through being caught as i never was.

met mrs expunk and didnt need all that ego-boosting nonsense, perfectly happy in myself, bit older and wiser now and have stayed 100% faithful (plus she reads this forum sometimes) 😀 i still hear the odd story from mates, some of them just go divvy when on stag do's or nights out, its like being let off a leash, but not for me. im happy being the one at the back and listening to the stories afterwards. i think if i ever found myself at a place of ill repute as above id be the same as PJM1974 ^^^ and be interested in just talking to them about their lives.

One women is more than enough .... you must be mental to take on another

Swoon.

Not really sure I understand the question, but I know plenty of people that have had affairs unfortunately, it seems to come with the business, we are all on the road and away from home normally 5 days a week, sometimes more.

I am not saying the above is an excuse for them. But it shows up the cracks in a marriage/relationship pretty quickly, and provides the opportunity and circumstance for it.

They are split into two groups it seems, first is the serial cheater - who crash from one affair to the next, the seem to have the ability to justify it in the head. They are getting what they need from another source it seems.

The second is the ones who it's circumstance, marriage isn't great, she doesn't understand me etc. Oh look here's an opportunity.

The first seems to go on forever, moving from victim to victim. The second, the marriage normally falls apart as the guilt gets too much, or they think that they are happier with the new person, or they have less practice than person one.

The common thing between the two is that all circumstances is that it's bit of a shell of a marriage they are trying to make up for. I've never bought the theory that an affair fixes a marriage, for instance my previous boss was going from affair to affair, he justified it with that he had no intimacy with his wife, he got that from affairs allowing him to stay with his wife for the kids. He thought he was/is happy and has a marriage, his affairs "saved his marriage". But he doesn't actually have a marriage, he has a housemaid/nanny at home who is his buddy at weekends, IMO.

I find that lots of people talk about it (having cheated), and the normally known exactly what they've done and have a clear reason in their heads for it. Generally I feel sorry for them that their marriage sucks, sorry for their partners who likely suspect and are trying to paper over the cracks, and also make a conscious or sub conscious view that I trust them slightly less, as if they will lie and betray to the most important person, I probably can't trust them not to at least bend the truth in my dealings with them.

If someone is having an affair and they are in a proper committed relationship, then there is something wrong and they need to accept it's not a complete relationship. Augmenting an affair on top does not fix a marriage, but does allow some people to live with the fundamental flaws in their marriage.

And yes I get that many people like the thrill of the cheat, and this can only come from cheating , so you can never get that from a normal relationship. And you can't get the true thrill of cheating whilst having consent for cheating - so I'm not sure those people that need that will be happy in a normal marriage, so don't pretend you can do it, and don't start breeding and get others caught in the mix.

who's wives like me best.

You're welcome to her mate....I'll even throw in a pair of roller skates too!

I think an awful lot of behaviour and attitudes with respect to monogamy is totally outdated and makes no sense. Obviously having someone you're together with and can raise kids with is a good idea, but then having no-one else ever just to prove you'll be there for that person is a bit hmmm.

I wouldn't have time at the moment for an affair, and would never lead another woman to believe I was going to leave my wife and run away with her etc. but at the end of the day it's fun isn't it? Why not have more if your SO is unavailable/uninterested/is elsewhere? (nob rot/pregnancy precautions obvs. are sensible)

I know people who absolutely believe in monogamy, but I'm not sure they've ever really had the opportunity to develop a relationship with anyone other than their SO. (I've cheated on exes and been cheated on, and had one open relationship, with varying results)

I've always wondered two things

1 - how do people put up with the additional stress and hassle, and remembering what lies you've told?

2 - if you're not on the road or similar as part of your job, how do people find the time?

benp1 - Member
I've always wondered two things

1 - how do people put up with the additional stress and hassle, and remembering what lies you've told?

2 - if you're not on the road or similar as part of your job, how do people find the time?

Well:
1- Why the stress? Why the Lies? I'd offer up most who have affairs are honest about it to the affairee' but do concede a tale or two being told to the Wife. But then, excuses like "late home, train cancelled" is common, "going for a pint with Jim from Accounts" is common, "a round of Golf with a-n-other" is always a favorite, then see 2 below..
2- How long does the "act" actually take? a few minutes Grumble in the Jungle and it's all over with innit? If you are making more of the affair by going out for supper beforehand then Yes, I grant you you will be exposed to being caught. But often affairs are short in time, short by nature.

😕

One women is more than enough .... you must be mental to take on another

Of course, I should add... that it helps to have picked the right one

Funny, beautiful, smart, great mum .... likes trips to Centre Parcs

My first "proper" girlfriend was a sweetheart from school 8 years later. She'd got engaged in the meantime and told me she left her fiance for me. Long and nasty story later, she hadn't really ever left him and after it screwed me up and came out the other side it was all so obvious. Nasty piece of work, she was and total bullet dodged as she was blatantly trying to get knocked up (by me) in hindsight.

I know of at least 3 couples where affairs were had and the relationships (2 were marriages, one just a long-term relship) broke up as a result. 15 years later at least 3 of those people are much happier as a result. There are some much stronger friendships too, having supported each other through the splits.

One of those 3 was one of my best mates. His wife was a horror - she had a real talent for picking on people's weaknesses and having a go at them. It was never much fun going out to restaurants - she'd always end up in a row with the manager. She ended up in a senior HR role, which says a lot about corporate HR!

Either way - it was awful for my mate to slowly realise how horrible his wife was and his affair was him essentially needing to escape from what would have been a life of stress and misery. It made me realise some affairs don't come from selfishness at all, they come from human beings needing to escape from very unhappy places and not knowing how to do it...

My wife knows I would never cheat on her. She says I am too idle 😀
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Which is true, could you imagine the hassle from 2 women. Sheeeesh.

^^^^ wot he said, but more importantly when would you get time to go cycling?

I think an awful lot of behaviour and attitudes with respect to monogamy is totally outdated and makes no sense. Obviously having someone you're together with and can raise kids with is a good idea, but then having no-one else ever just to prove you'll be there for that person is a bit hmmm.

I've always wondered what purpose a relationship (in the *normal* sense) serves with this view? Why not have *friends* and pay for a housekeeper/ nanny? Most of the cheaterists here seem to be paying for sex but I bet they'd baulk at the idea of paying a cleaner in between their life as a roaming stud muffin 😆 When did forming friendships with members of both genders without the end goal of sex become unfashionable 🙂 Seems a lot like cherry picking parts of monogamy and polyxxx to suits one's own selfishness and insecurities but hey ho.

My Ex cheated on me with one of her mates, a female mate.......

I didn't know whether to feel relieved that she had not gone with another bloke or feel that I must be so bad I'd put her off men for life 🙄 😀

Turns out it was just a phase she was going through and she is now single.

A chum had an affair over a few years - well, a woman he slept with irregularly - for no good reason other than she was available. He told no-one except his best mate, who dobbed him in out of jealousy following a failed attempt to take the wife away for a dirty weekend. (The best mate wasn't getting any at all, while chum was running two women, was the thinking)
Chum realised that his marriage was worth saving, dumped mistress, never spoke to best mate again. Chum says he feels guilty about wasting the other woman's time because of her age, but reckons that shagging someone unsuitable for him as a life-partner, saved him from a later affair with a woman who might have split his marriage and family. FWIW, chum is still with his wife, ex-best mate still single at 55+. No idea about his girlfriend.