Tuesday Wednesday And Thursday.
I'd known Stu for years, not really 'best mates' but got on great. Also did some really good rides in the past too.
I phoned him about a year ago & he said he'd been diagnosed with a brain tumour & was soon starting treatment, we kind of kept in touch via the usual FB/messenger stuff but never actually spoke on the phone & I really wish I'd called. Just last week I thought 'haven't seen much of Stu on FB' so went on his page to see if there was anything only to find a few messages from other people saying what a great lad he was, 'RIP Stu', 'Fly high big lad' etc, & that's when it hit me, I'd been a Dick for not keeping more in touch.
Here's the worst part though. We were away at the end of September & as I was having supper one evening my phone rang. It was Stu's number & I thought, 'I'll phone back after after I've eaten' which I did. No answer. Tried a few more times then thought nothing of it, now I'm wondering who called me. Was it his wife, friend or relation trying to tell me of Stu's passing, or was it Stu to tell me something only he knew?
We had no mutual friends on FB either which I imagine is quite unusual so I don't know what If anything I should/could do.
I feel like a right arsehole & have dwelt on it since last week.
What if anything WSTW do?
Contact his family, express condolences, talk about stu.
Find out his favourite beverage
Go for a bike ride
Drink the beverage
Think about your departed friend
Breathe out, you've done nowt wrong, enjoy the memories, feel sad/happy/whatever you feel.
The guilt will fade with time - use it to shape how you interact with people going forward.
What if anything WSTW do?
Well I would blame myself for something because that's what people always do when they lose someone that they care about.......if only I had......etc etc etc
But of course it's rarely justified in any way, despite our attempts to somehow apportion blame on ourselves.
Don't beat yourself up Essel, you provided friendship to Stu when he was on this earth. Be grateful that you and him were mates.
My condolences for your loss. The sad passing away of someone who matters in our lives is always tragic.
You can't dwell on the past. We all do, but it does you no good. 4 years ago I was going to meet an old friend in Brighton. Then he jumped off Beachy Head 2 weeks before I was going to go down. And the same day I found out about it I found out that a school friend had also killed himself. I sat in my office and cried my eyes out. But I can't change anything about what drove them to do that. All I can do is keep their memory alive, the good times, and the bad.
It's not your fault.
Your friend knows you wanted to say goodbye.
Condolences on your loss mate.
wot gingerbllr said
If it's someone you've known for years, the last few weeks aren't going to make a jot of difference either way beyond exacerbating / appeasing your own misplaced guilt. It takes two to not keep in touch, beating yourself up ain't gonna change anything now.
Sorry for your loss dude.
I'm not sure you could have done anything any better, hindsight permitting. I've lost two really good friends within the last few years. Do I wish I could go back and do something different? Yes and no. We lost touch but that was a 2-way thing but the friendship remained strong. And all I have is fond memories of years gone by.
Cherish the happy memories and sorry for your loss.
He has gone and you can’t change that but you can speak to his other friends and family and make sure they are coping and helping them is surely what he would want you to do.
I think you are being very hard on yourself, egf. It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming yourself and feeling guilty. You have been a friend of his for many years - and I very much doubt you let him down.
Look after yourself.
J
Nothing you could do and feeling guilty is natural. Gingerbllr has the best advice. Take care of yourself Essel
What has happened happened and nothing you can do can alter that and feeling guilty does not help
One thing that often happens when someone dies is people are worried about what to say so say nothing, then become embarrassed that they have said nothing and that becomes a barrier to ever saying anything
My advice would be to contact his family and to let them know how sad you are. Even a few of the most trite words helps. don't let your embarrassment mean you say nothing. A format like " Jeepers I am sad about this. I remember the great times we had and this and that funny escapade ( or this thing he taught me). Knowing we will never have that again makes me sad, but i will also remember the good times"
Thanks everyone. I'd had a glass of pop last night & was feeling more melancholy than usual. I'll try & contact his Mrs via Stu's page. Which once again, I should've done already. 🙁
I doubt your mate would want you to dwell on it Jimmy, I’m sure he’d rather you remembered him and the rides you had together fondly!
I’ll try & contact his Mrs via Stu’s page. Which once again, I should’ve done already.
The question is would his missus have expected you to have contacted her earlier? If the answer is no then there really isn't a problem.
If the answer is yes then you contacting her now and apologising immediately resolves the problem. I suspect the answer is no though.
Either way you are beating yourself up unnecessarily imho.
Its crap dwelling on the past which you cannot change. However, your thoughts will make the rest of us do something positive about keeping in touch. Real contact, not social media fake contact is what counts.
A dear friend of mine died of cancer last year, towards the end she had very little energy, and reserved what she had for her closest friends and family. She meant no disrespect to friends outside this very small core, but just was not able to respond to there messages. I also observed that close family were also drained. So letting a little time pass before getting in contact to share your condolences is not something to be feel bad about.
Keeping in touch in a low impact way as your friend's illness progressed may have been the best thing to do.
As others have said getting in touch and sharing memories of the good times with his family is a nice thing to do. If you can I would write a nice letter rather than using technology, may be including a photo of your friend happy out on his bike.
Tim
I've sent a few words to Stu's Mrs along with a couple of photo's from years ago.
Stu grinning after I went OTB at Glentress.
Heading up the Devils Staircase 1990 something.
I lost my best friend to alcohol related. We started school together, went fishing through our teens and were in the scouts together, even camping out in his or my garden.
He joined the army for a bit, the reserves and was into super fitness, jogging running etc.About the time I went walkabout myself, but we met up again after a chance meeting and it was like those intervening years didnt happen.
We sailed together on another mates 10m racing boat, won many races and drank a hell of a lot of won gin, but the legacy of the army reserve was one of gigantic piss ups and it pretty much turned him into an alcoholic.
He would stop by daily for coffee, and I mean every single day till it got to be a pain, or maybe that was my pain, but I eventually told him coming round day after day 7 days a week just couldn't happen any more and I clearly remember the disappointment that etched his face as the reality of that hit home. I felt a bit of a shit to be honest. We knew each others families, spent time in each others homes as kids, got up to everything you could think of and a few things I would consider a bit dodgy.
Maybe it was because of this but he made a concerted effort to get off the drink, signing up to a doctor system of drugs that prevent you drinking, and others aimed at helping him not lose the rag and beat people half to death, he was often in punch ups and far as i could tell never lost.
But Dave being Dave was very very headstrong, and he didnt like the drugs they'd put him on, the anti psychotics and others, antibuse i think its called, so I believe decided just to stop taking them and it is that that killed him. You cannot just stop, it's a matter of a gradual withdrawal, and to stop suddenly i was later told puts you at risk of sudden death, which is what happened.
They knocked in the door of his flat, and he was lying on the floor, on his back hands by his side almost like he was sleeping, calm and peaceful, like he'd just felt the need to lie down, and died pretty much on the spot.
The funeral was subdued, the mass card had a poor picture and I felt sidelined. There were no friends besides me and I think maybe the family took me to be like those who knew him in drink, when the opposite was true. He was the brother I never had, we were very close and so I felt alone in the chapel,and at the after service gathering that consisted of just his family, was at a table by myself and had no interaction with his parents or sister. My own Mother and Sister had come along and I suppose their presence brought Dave's Mum over who we spoke briefly to, but it was only a few minutes and I left shortly after.
I think of Dave all the time, sudden memories of the Scouts, clubbing one clown in the mouth with an axe, ha ha, that was a memorable event. It sounds more serious than it was and Dave always laughed and reminded me of it(to my embarrassment) My temper was such in those days I took a lot and suddenly snapped, times sailing, our camping in Glen Etive, School and everything else in between.
Although he's gone now and thats it there its the funny memories that crop up that keep me smiling and because of that I know I miss him, but i kind of don't, because these times are always with me.
So remember those days from the past, when you were young and had laughs together as a way of bringing relief to your heartache. He may be gone, but he cannot be forgotten, even if the years apart were long, the connection is still there.
Good words dyna-ti.
I got a thank you message from Stu’s Mrs so feel a lot better now.
Thanks for the support everyone.
There's nothing like someone dying for a person realising they should've spent more time with 'em. I had it recently with a guy I knew through a couple of other people I ride bikes with. A lot of us lead more distanced lives now, which complicates this kind of thing.
got a thank you message from Stu’s Mrs so feel a lot better now.
good
its very common in situations where someone has died to want to do something, wish you had done more and to feel guilt that you did not do more. The uncomfortable fact is there rarely is anything more you can do.
In your position this common feeling is exacerbated by the fact you had fallen out of contact a bit and missed a phone call.
A long standing friend of mine committed suicide a few weeks back. I had actually spoken to him a week or two before by phone to and he was obviously drunk ( and in a bad place with hindsight) I was too wrapped up in my own issues to either do anything or flag it up to anyone. I feel bad about this but I also know that there were others closer to him and that any intervention I could have made would have made no difference - and that I had done all I could which because of my own situation was nothing. I simply did not have the emotional reserve or clear thinking to see the bad pace he was in.
so don't beat yourself up. What is past is past and yo cannot change it. some things in life "just are". Nothing you can do or say willchange them. You just have to accept