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Never overtake your guide on a climb. They're going that speed because they know the climb.
Never put your fingers in a spinning brake disc.
Always do your stem bolts up tight enough for the steering to work when you reach a corner
If you are just starting to learn to use SPD pedals. Make sure to go out riding with friends. They will provide lots of support and helpful tips.
They will almost certainly be sympathetic in the unlikely event you come to a halt and keel over. The will definately not laugh!
If you don't have any friends - give me a shout! I will definately come and be supportive and sympathetic! 
When you have to unscrew an aluminium bolt on an expensive fork and it says use a socket... Use a socket, not a spanner...
Don't ride your kid's balance bike at the skate park without pads.
Never turn your bike upside down to index your gears whilst your 2 year old son is in your care.
When driving to the trail, do make sure you have the right shoes for your pedals.
Do not ride your HT with the same abandon that you ride your FS.
Do use powerlinks to repair broken chains.
Do test patched tubes before relying on them.
Do thoroughly clean your fork stanchions after every ride
Always have a good dump 'before' going for a ride.
Fluffing a bunnyhop and putting your foot through the front wheel as you land can lead to extreme braking as the front wheel touches down, a graceful somersault in mid air, a painful landing and truly trashed wheel.
"Fluffing a bunnyhop" sounds like a euphemism
never share a drink from a single speeders hipflask, you'll catch beard weevils and it'll be full of singlemalt/polish moonshine/absinthe/spiced rum
Don't gbrowseebsy's framwe section when you've3 been drinking
[i]logs pout[/i]
Never ever bloody anything, EVER!
Always have something to wipe youir arse with, it can make all the differance when having a nature poo!
don't rub your cock with bleach.
edit: oh this is bike related, sorry.
1- never let expectation overtake capability on a down hill 😯
2 - Pump your tyres up REALLY hard in hedge cutting season 8)
3 - When you take out a new girl have good look at her mother ...... and realise that is what the future will be! 🙁
Never remove the bolts from the v-brake bosses on your fork when upgrading to disc brakes in an attempt to save a few grams. Especially if there is a sticker on the forks saying "Do not remove the bolts from the v-brake bosses". The forks will wait for 2.5 days of Alpine riding before finally exploding on a steep ski hill descent and spraying fork oil all over your new disc brakes when you need them the most. (Friend's experience!)
always carry your bike lock locked. That way you don't lock your bike outside the pub 12 miles from home and have to walk back to get the key.
DAMHIKIJKOK
When you absolutely know something is a bad idea there is no need to do it just to be sure - applying the front brake alone while cornering on gravel.
Check your pump when someone at work has borrowed it taken it apart and used bits of it to convert the air gun to blow up their tyres.
You can take someone's pump apart and convert the air gun at work to blow up your tyres.
If the person who has borrowed your pump reassembles the pump in a certain way and put it back on your bike without mentioning it you will get a flat on your next ride at the furthest point from home and will bend your valve core on your spare tube as you try to fit it.
When the little voice says "stop, what you have is usable and if you try to improve on it will only get worse" listen. - When thinking no I can get a bit more air in this knackered tube.
keep riding.... you'll improve.
Or if you don't improve, try another pastime - unless you enjoy it even through you're mediocre
MAMADIRT! - come in mamadirt ....
jeesus, does anyone live near her? - go round & unplug the phone line before she buys another one(s)
Ahh, the talk of foot-through-spokes experiences is bringing memories flooding back.
When young and stupid, it used to be a laugh to cycle alongside pals and give their front wheel a little kick so that the handlebars would be twisted and they'd have to stop to re-straighten them.
I thought I could fix it without stopping. Try to kick the rim but foot goes into the spokes instead. Foot and leg gets twisted round almost throwing me off. That could've been quite nasty on its own, but my foot then met the fork. Boy and bike became a somersaulting mess of snaps, stains and screams. Lesson #1 learned.
Lesson #2 was learned when one of them pals. We were cycling home from town. He had a plastic bag hanging from his handlebars that swung into the front wheel and got caught. Same acrobatic result, same loss of blood and teeth.
Lesson #3 may sound common sense, but I learned this the hard way - when going down a hill and gathering speed, keep your head up to look as far ahead as possible. Do not, DO NOT, look down at your front wheel (no, I don't know what possessed me to do this). This seems to bring your weight forward, tipping you forward. Watching the ground rise up to meet your face is unnerving. Hitting the ground with your face is unpleasant.
When riding up a steep hill keep an eye on the road and not your front wheel, that way you won't ride into a parked car. 😳
Do not try to carry as much speed as possible when traversing a cattle grid with a tree at the exit, panic and try to steer whilst on the cattle grid to miss the tree when the grid is wet. This results in the front wheel going from vertical to horizontal rather quickly, the rider sliding on the gravel with a rather abrupt atop aided by the tree
Don't look at the slack chain on your ss and think you will get away with re-tensioning it [i]after[/i] your ride.
After your ride, you will have a busted shoulder and be unable to re-tension anything for a fair few weeks.
Wash your hands after applying deep heat....
Decide to itch yourself with your fibercast...
Don't waste your energy concentrating on the difficult parts of the trail as you'll fall off on the easiest corner imaginable.
And one I heard about:
When descending, try not to sit on the back wheel, especially if there isn't much clearance between the tyre and seatstay bridge. The wheel rotating will pull whatever is on it forward, leading to stitches and a loss of blood
He who has most fun wins.
Practice bunny hops - dog bombs exist when you least expect.
Best to unclip from spds first before attempting to remove wasp from helmet in a hurry...
Don't chop up hot chillies with your bare hands & then go & pee.
[i]Don't chop up hot chillies with your bare hands & then go & pee[/i]
Or partake in a wee bit of Australian DJ either...
Best not to twist your foot from your spd as you speed hop an obstacle at, er, speed. Unless not having any (more) children is planned.
However confident you are that you have adjusted your suspension correctly best to test ride it before a fast, rocky descent in Wales. Unless you are a rodeo cowboy, from Texas.
S'OK scardypants - no damage to the credit card/Paypal account. I went to sleep instead 😉
use your bare knees for landing on from big jumps at the BMX track.
I know this one well 0_0 As well as the knees it was my forearms and my left shoulder's still not quite right about 3 months later. I had my final uni exam the day after doing this, luckily I landed on my non-writing side otherwise the paper would have been covered in blood/browny orange wound seepage.
It was caused by overshooting one jump and I think also having my forks set too bouncy/lively. How do I adjust this?
When riding home on your little brothers bike and you go to pull a manual, ensure bolts were done up correctly otherwise you will see the front wheel rolling away from you and end up with a broken nose and broken teeth. A friend not me.
Apparently if you carry the new mudguards you bought on your rear carrier and look round to see if they are secure you will ride into a parked Cortina and knock a tooth out (1979 content)
If you normally ride clips and lift your bike over obstacles by using them then borrow sons bike with flats Don't ride at an obstacle and expect your feet to lift the bike, the result will be bike stays on the ground - hits obstacle whilst you are now not in contact with pedal and rotating around stopped bike.
If you are older than BMX's don't borrow son's BMX and attempt to ride it in the street in front of your house and definitely do not attempt to do the tricks he does - just don't bother they are before our time.
When on a quick ride out on the local DH tracks (was to get my teenage son in the fresh air for a few minutes and get the dogs out for a walk - goes "you have been in all day - will you come out for a 20 min walk with the dogs" "Only if we can take bikes" "OK lets go". He takes his (rigid, SS, one brake) jumpbike ("its more fun if only out for a few minutes"), I take my all mountain bike (they are DH tracks!) Then attempt to keep up with him, first mistake and first off. Then watch him 'scandie' flick through the steep tight corners (whilst chasing him again.) See that he appears to turn in the front wheel more and let the rear wheel go light and flick it round whilst over straightening the front wheel - two 'this is cool' corners later leads me trying everything but more so - front wheels when turned too much on steep tight corners can stop a bike very quickly! Another broken collar bone in two years.
Do not buy a roadbike to commute to work to save money, and then never try it out before your first actual commute, or within 100 meters of the ride you will start staring at the handlebars trying to work out how the blinking flip the shifters work and why you seem to be missing a gear lever, and ram a parked car and do so much damage to the car that you negate any petrol savings you would have made for about three years.
when taking your mates down an evil trail which you know and they dont, always point out the worst lines and say 'its the only way to do it'.
even better if you have a camera handy!
once they are bleeding and demoralised with their bikes in the creek below, ride the proper line with the excuse 'i just went with it'.
(multiple crashes on parkin clough yesterday content)
Don't wait until the day of doing the sdw 100 miler to try bib shorts for the 1st time only to discover 13 hours later you're wearing them the wrong way round hence constant overheating during the ride and a sore groin...
when riding a raleigh chopper, don't look down at the gearstick when pedalling uphill
you will ride into the back of a very solid morris minor
almost forgot
when trimming gear cable with wire snips, don't turn the cable so thats its pointing directly at your eye
otherwise you will spend a full afternoon at the eye hospital having a doctor jabbing around with a needle trying to get all the shit out
Never try to cut the steerer to size on a new set of forks whilst in the grip of a raging hangover - apparently steerer tubes need to extend past the top of the headset to work properly.... 😳
if you have a slow puncture in a tyre just pump it up before each ride and you will be puncture free.
Don't bother replacing the tube as the chances of getting two punctures in the same tube are far less...
if someone breaks in to your home own them with some bombers
If you hear something metallic bouncing off your frame, it probably is, and it probably should still be attached to the bike. 😥
Always carry a chain tool and some spare chain when you're singlespeeding.
It is very, very difficult to jump doubles on a fixie. Probably best to not even try.
Lycra shreds real easy when it touches tarmac and you're moving quickly, it might be a good idea for it not to be the only thing covering your genitals.
If you're starting track riding, do not go out and buy some expensive new shorts before you've had your first big fall.