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why do i feel so guilty going back to work, leaving my knackered wife to look after FG jnr?
i do all the jobs that i can when i'm there but she is really tired from the nightime breast feeding sessions with my boy.
any recommendations from daddies around the st world?
boll@cks wrong forum! - i'm tired, too!
Doesn't last long like that. She really needs to try & sleep when little'un does. Don't feel guilty about it, this is the way it's been done for thousands of years (although previously by stabbing things with pointy sticks as opposed to spending the day at the office).
It's a hard one mate and you can't really win either way. I was out of work for the first 8 months after my lad was born and felt guilty as all hell for not being able to provide for him.
There are a couple of things you can really focus on though that will make a huge difference.
When you get home from work do the whole dinner bath bed thing if you can (you might be a way off that routine; we started it around 5 months when he transitioned from breast to solids). Remember that your wife/partner will have had a hard day at work as well.
Arrange for her to have a few hours at least off at the weekends so that she can get away, preferably out of the house to clear her head. Being with the baby 24/7 can be a real head **** even for the most maternal of new mothers.
We had to bottle him for the first few weeks because he wasn't getting what he needed from breast feeding. There is a myth perpetuated by the breast feeding Nazis that breast is always best and that all babies are born knowing how to breast feed. It's BS. We had to bottle him otherwise he would have starved but the wife was keen to move to 100% breast as soon as we could. That was a mistake in hindsight because it meant I couldn't do any of the night time feeds. For the first 8 weeks or so we were alternating night feeds and it made a big difference when we stopped.
Hope that helps mate.
i think the UK is a bit behind other european countries on this... for example in spain that is normally very right wing... (e.g. 6 months dole and then you can die on the streets and the gov't wont give you a penny)
you can:
-work a proportion of your hours for an equal proportion of your salary (up to 50%) and it is illegal for them to fire you during this time. except, of course, if you you burn down the office or stab the boss (just random examples...)
-take up to 3 years unpaid leave (job guaranteed again)
-you have 2 weeks paid paternity leave
We had to bottle him for the first few weeks because he wasn't getting what he needed from breast feeding. There is a myth perpetuated by the breast feeding Nazis that breast is always best and that all babies are born knowing how to breast feed. It's BS. We had to bottle him otherwise he would have starved but the wife was keen to move to 100% breast as soon as we could. That was a mistake in hindsight because it meant I couldn't do any of the night time feeds. For the first 8 weeks or so we were alternating night feeds and it made a big difference when we stopped.
Agree with this 100%. My second two, we went to a single bottle feed at 11 ish each night after about 3-4 weeks, just to give the wife the possibility of 5/6 hours sleep - it makes an enormous difference to her sanity. We were fed a lot of tosh about confusing the baby on the first, and as a result I think he went hungry and was difficult at night for far longer than was necessary - with your first, it's VERY difficult to have the confidence to ignore people and go with what works for you.
On the 2nd you get more blase - I wouldn't say it gets easier as there are new challenges presented by multiple children vying for attention, but you are at least a bit more confident they don't break easily 😉
Best of luck - no. 3 is now edging on 10 weeks, and hopefully will settle down soon for longer sleeps. Just remember it doesn't last for ever, take each day as it comes, sleep when you can and hang in there.
cheers guys.
junior was born 9lb 1oz and has been doing fantastic on the boob (ave weight gain is 1/2lb per week) - now 8 weeks old.
mrs fg had hard time during the natural birth and says that she is only truely bonding with him by doing the breastfeeding thing so is keen to continue, but i know what you mean GT.
had loads of help from both sets of our parents and Mrs FG has lots of friends come round in the afternoon.
I just feel like a bad person when i leave for work each morning.
*ticks boxes for doing shopping; cleaning; nappies; bathing him; and evening/weekend walks with the pram*
I took one day off before going back to work.
Both my kids went straight into routines from day one. It may not have seemed it to them but we tried as much as we could.
This gives them something to get used to and can become a method of you giving your wife a break whilst you get some parent time. For example, you get home and jump in the bath with yer little un. Good preperation for them to be put to bed, gives you quality time and you get a nice bath as well. The midwife recommended this as it was kind of a indicator to the child that you were preparing them for their bed time routine. You get out and then you feed the baby. It can be a difficult time if the baby is having trouble sleeping so at least you are taking a little bit of stress of mum.
Its hard work being away from the baby at work all day and by the time you have done the above you end up getting your dinner by about 8.30pm, but it also give you daddy time. Did it religously with both my kids and both were full night sleepers by 6wks old 🙂
Sorry, all of the above was to suggest a way of lightening your wifes workload and make you feel less guilty. Sounded a bit like a moan about routines.....
bathing little FG only makes him wide awake (and clean, obviously)
he is quite happy in the bath but it just wakes him up and he starts making happy noises for the next hour (or crys because of no attention) if he doesn't have noises back.
- Don't moan you are tired.
- Don't wake up in the morning and say "Ooh I've had a good night's sleep, did he/she sleep through the night?" (Hint: they probably didn't, you were just fast asleep)
- Take shortcuts with housework/don't bother with it/get takeaways/ready meals sometimes.
- Go out somewhere nice all together at the weekends, unless she's really tired, in which case let her catch up with sleep.
As well as all the stuff you mentioned.
If breastfeeding is going well, I would go with it. I didn' t feed any formula for the first few months, just breastfeeding. Then he got the odd bottle of formula if I went out. If you do introduce formula, I would do the "one feed in the evening" thing, e.g. 10:30 feed, I know people who this worked really well for, and they carried on breastfeeding for ages. Lots of people I know who introduced formula a few times a day or not at a regular time ended up with their milk supply dropping off and them giving up. Not that this is such a problem, but if she wants to keep going but you did want to use formula to give her a break then that's probably the best way. Also she could express milk instead so that you could give the 10:30 feed and she could get to sleep earlier.
This is all making me quite scared as I am having no. 2 in 6 weeks - how the hell do you manage 2????
Stick with it FG, ours was like that at first but now onceout of the bath his eyelids start drooping within minutes even if he was wide awake before, it's a race to get him dressed and fed before he's dozing sometimes.
I bloody hate that phrase, the fact that our culture has shifted to "breasts are for looking at" and less informed parents thinking fruitshoots are acceptable drinks for a newborn mean there is a big push towards breast feeding. We had our first last year and the classes were definitley breast fixated 🙂 but if you don't wanna do it don't do it. but nazis FFS?breast feeding Nazis
Agree it can be hard work getting baby to feed at first
Do what feels right for your personal circumstanes is my advice.
My first child was a nightmare. He ended up in the special care baby unit on oxygen when the midwives tried to give him a bottle (unasked!) at the hospital as my wife was asleep. He screamed so much he went blue.
We worked on the principle that the first '6 weeks are the worst' but he was still waking upto 4 times a night when he was two.
In the end you just develop a strategy that works for you as a couple. Listen to what other people say but don't slavishly follow their advice.
I must confess, going to work always felt like I was entering an area of calm and predictability after the chaos that was home life with a weeks old baby.
Yeah, I get the guilts too sometimes. Tis worse when she goes back (a couple of days a week).
Way I see it I'm the provider and as such it's up to me to bring in the cash to allow us to get a cleaner etc... Seems to help me reconcile walking out of a morning when the cherubs have decided to be 'not nice'.
+ 1 for wwaswas, you can spend far too much time and energy on over analysing things, and comparing to other parents dream sleepers and wondering if you are doing it all wrong.
Not saying don't listen and try things, but don't get too wound up when things don't work for you. They will sleep in the end. when they are teenagers.
I still feel guilty now 4 months down the line - but we've had a far more complicated situation than most. I would say make sure you can do a feed - expressed milk or formula - otherwise you can't give her a break. It helps you bond big style too knowing you CAN take total responsibility. I usually take ours out for most of Saturday giving Mrs TT her own alone girly time - helps both of us.
If you can do a feed, then you can send your Mrs to bed early so she gets some decent sleep before the night feed - that is pure gold for her.
[i]They will sleep in the end. when they are teenagers. [/i]
lol.
My son is 13 now and every time I wake him up in the morning for school and he complains he was asleep/is tired I get a deep sense of 'Well, you made my life hell for years matey and now it's pay back time!'.
Sometimes I wake him up early at the weekend for no reason at all (Oh, sorry were you asleep?).
Today is my first day back since Baby Mk2.0 was born 2 weeks ago. I have no ideal how my wife (full time/stay-at-home mum) will possibly cope with a 2 and a half year old and a new born.
I'm blocking those thoughts out though. I've decided to kid myself that if she needs anything, she'll let me know. Therefore, if she isn't ringing me every hour, or crying over the fish fingers every evening, then things must be fine...
The last 2 weeks have made me realise I couldn't do half the job she does everyday.
Crikey ours is 3months old and is waken* at 11pm and 7pm.
*[s]We[/s] she wakes him.
hora - is your son bottle or breast fed?
my boy is fed at 10 pm and then wakes at 3 or 4am for his next feed; daytime he is usually 3 hours between feeds.
breast, sometimes I have to be on hand to rewake him (he dozes too much)
FG my son was like yours at that age, then he went through a few blissful days/weeks (can't remember but it wasn't long) of sleeping through 11-7 at about 3 months - then he went back to the same pattern you have now until he was weaned (6 months). He did get VERY efficient at feeding in the night though so I got used to it in the end.
But then they start teething and you have it all again....or you send them to nursery and they get ill, and wake up all night just as you are back at work.
I was taking work calls up until 10 mins before the birth of my daughter, I would have been back at the office the same day but fortunately it was a Saturday.
15 weeks old and she wakes once a night.
Just tell her to mumTFU.
Only joking. I'm sure your wife appreciates all your support. Your son is just two or three weeks old I assume?
He'll probably settle down a bit soon and your wife will probably mumTFU anyway and get used to different sleep patterns/forget what it's like to have a good night's sleep anyway.
Forgot to say: When our baby first came home from the hospital (she was premature), I used to sit downstairs and bottle feed her with expressed breast milk if she woke until midnight.
My wife would go to bed about 9pm, so she'd get a good few hours at the start of the night.
Had a month off here and still didnt want to go back.
Went back onto nights and it is the only time I have ever fallen asleep while someone was talking to me! My wife was still very sore from the Sunroof Birth and I was helping out as much as poss during the day.
No need to feed guilty - you still have to pay the mortgage.
NB . My Son took about 18 months and a lot of screaming to get the whole sleeping thing right . Sorted now though since about Xmas time
just nipped home a lunchtime to help for 40mins
mrs FG has told me that a good friend has been diagnosed with leukimia (sp?). he has a 2 year old son and his wife had twins 4 weeks ago.
i should mtfu; there's others worse off than me!
thanks for all your replies.
Agree with the don’t fixate on breast feeding point, My Missus went mental trying to get it to work, if you can great but most women have some trouble, almost all supplement it with formula, Not all women are Super-lactating, Earth mothers types, and in all honesty bottle fed babies aren’t growth stunted, midget, thickies like the “Brest is Best” brigade would have you believe, Obviously Dad can share the feeding workload with formula which is actually a massive help, we wound up doing shifts early on and it meant that she actually got some sleep…
The other peripheral tasks which take it out of Mums too, so if you can get the bottles sterilised, the house tidied up, washing machine put on and change some nappies when you get in so she can have a breather then all the better…
Bath/Bed time should be a team effort it’s a lot quicker if you both help put them down, and do your best to get into a routine with bed time when you can, once you start getting a few hours unbroken sleep a night you both start to feel normal again…
Ours is 11 months now and I’ve been home all but 3 evenings of that, which has been very useful, now work are talking about making me do mid week overnighters, and at short bloody notice, that is really going to bugger up our home routine and make life a bit less bearable…
The missus can be less than understanding, especially when she’s expected to look after the nipper solo as a result, it might be time to look for something else I reckon….
I’d love to be a home husband but we’ve got bills to pay unfortunately…
The other thing is (as you’ve probably learnt already) listen to others, but don’t live and Die by their advice, apply what seems useful, ignore what doesn’t suit, every, baby/Family is different…
Mine little'un is 14 wks. Breast feeding only. I wasn't in a rush to introduce bottles and get involved and my wife was happy with that.
She had a fab time camping at Mountain Mayhem this weekend. She even got me up at 4am in time for my early morning lap, but didn't save me any colostrum recovery juice. The guilt comes and goes. I still get time to ride, I feed the wife and iron her socks and I work away from home, we share all the chores where we can. She sleeps and feeds the little'un and I work and ride and fit everything else in where I can. I feel guilty for not bathing her last night but I was a dribbling mess. I looked after her today whilst on a conference call and my wife went out for her first ride since February, inspired by the racing this weekend.
All is different for all. As a family you'll find whats works for you, be a team, they work best.
if you can great but most women have some trouble, almost all supplement it with formula, Not all women are Super-lactating, Earth mothers types, and in all honesty bottle fed babies aren’t growth stunted, midget, thickies like the “Brest is Best” brigade would have you believe,
Breastfeeding is absolutely normal and only a small number of women physically can't - the human race wouldn't have lasted long if that was the case. But if you can't then fine, if you don't want to fine, but please don't insinuate that breastfeeding is only for hippy dippy earth mothers.