Had an absolute belter this week. Chap said to me as I passed:
“A bell would be good”
I said I’d just rung my bell three times with no response.
“Well I didn’t hear it”
And I cycled on.
I had this recently. I suggested he go for a hearing test.
batshit crazy and to engage with them is like arguing with a pigeon.
I catch up with a runner, with loose and very nervous dog, running in the same direction as I'm cycling, on the 'bike' side of the shared use path. I point out that the dog will probably cause an accident and get told that I was riding too fast. How could he possibly know that when I rode from behind him, I ask, to which he replies that he's partially sighted. This puzzles me so much I ride off with no clever reply.
i dont tend to get much abuse from walkers when out riding. if i do i like to defuse the situation with a reply of ‘ well, at least nobody died’.
for some reason it seems to work.They are probably waiting for the ‘Yet’
When you're as big as Ton, I'd end with '.....at least no-one died this time'
Went for sunrise ride up a local hill. Picking my way down, because I knew there'd be folk coming up the footpath. I was told I was riding on a footpath, I agreed that I was riding and it was a footpath. I was pleasant and agreed with everything the ranter said. His mistake was asking why I thought it was ok. I pointed out that we were in Scotland and the border was 10miles in that direction.
Ace thread.
I'm not a fan of 'your mother' punchlines, but it strikes me it is a useful tool when there is no obvious retort.
You should have a bell 'so should...'
You can't ride here 'neither can...'
Your are going too fast 'thats not what...'
Is that the new Airdrop frame 'go and ask...'
Okay it doesn't work.
"You shouldn't be riding here" bellowed a chap in Tattershall shirt, cravat and tweed jacket. I politely pointed out he was standing next to a National Cycle Network sign.
He graciously apologised. Not the expected reply (disappointingly...)
“He’s at home!” she replies without even a hint of irony.
I can't work out of she is a super dry comic, or if you just got a lucky laugh there! Enjoyable either way.
“You shouldn’t be riding here” bellowed a chap in Tattershall shirt, cravat and tweed jacket. I politely pointed out he was standing next to a National Cycle Network sign.
Ha ha, we've had that. A little old golfer named John (as he told us a few minutes later) angrily told the group of us that we weren't allowed to ride across the course. I pointed to the bridleway sign that he was standing right next to. He continued to tell us why we couldn't ride across the golf course while we mocked him.
He actually did that to us on two separate occasions, following both of which some of us wrote polite emails to the golf club suggesting that they educate their members. I may have suggested that if John carried on, then we could probably arrange that the BW was fully used by every cyclist in the area on some Saturdays, legally causing some considerable nuisance to the golfers. The golf club were apologetic and polite in their reply.
useful tool when there is no obvious retort.
Same with:
‘You’re a fool!’
‘Grow up!’
‘Upyerarse, grandad!’
not so much insult, but
"You can't ride that up there!
"I know, I'm not
"But you were going to!
"No, I really wasn't
"I know you cyclists, if I wasn't here you'd have ridden up there
"Nope....
- Minority Report, Bridleway Edition.
Even better, it wasn't actually a walker, but the SWT warden on Chobham Common. Presumably I can't ride my bike up there because of erosion or whatever.... ironic given he'd clattered his landrover from about 1/2 mile away kicking up clouds of dust and sand on the way.
Biking on a bridleway and get the quite frankly absurd and downright aggressive:
"Have you got a licence to ride that thing here?!"
In response:
"Have you got a licence for that hair-cut, pal".
Childish, not productive, but quite satisfying.
From a walker pretending they were a farmer:
"You aren't allowed to ride your motorbike on the footpath"
I was on my mtb on a byway. Which the actual farmer had clearly recently driven a tractor along as it was covered in tracks and mud!
Not an insult but a nice bit of muppetry - I was grimacing my way up the climb to Bastow Edge and got stopped on one of the steeper bits by a walker. He then asked me to check my Garmin and tell him what the gradient was 🤣
I came here looking for a picture of the dog riding the horse and was disappointed..
A few years ago you needed a licence to use the canals in Scotland (this was not a well known fact) and this was free and downloadable from the website (before Scottish Canals were a thing). On a confrontation with a walker and their out of control dog i was told that i wasn't allowed to use the canal on a bike. So I produced my licence and asked them for theirs. Obviously they didn't have one, so i kindly escorted them off the canal at the closest point. Amazingly they obliged and apologised, .... still makes me laugh.
Similar to the other landowner stories above. Riding with a mate, we got the standard "this is private land / you shouldn't be riding here" blah blah.
Mate said (very reasonably), "are you the landowner"
"No, but I'll be reporting you to him"
"Oh excellent - you're speaking to him right now, how would you like to report this...?"
It was true as well, he was actually the landowner, not just calling the guy's bluff. We got muttered apologies and a clearly very deflated walker who'd gone from puffed up with his own "thou shalt not be here!" to embarrassed silence in 5 seconds.
Most insulting thing a walker ever said wasn't actually meant as an insult.
Wife and I are about to ride down cavedale on one of those perfect clear, cold frosty days. The first had happened quickly and was the sticky rather than slippery sort.
Anyway, we wait at the stone posts just before the decent really starts for two older ladies to finish their climb. "Oh, you're not going to ride down there are you?"
"I'm going to try" was my reply and off I went. Cleared it without a dab and I was on a hardtail as well. Pretty chuffed I was.
Anyway, wife finally catches up at the bottom and tells me that the other older lady had said as a parting comment.
"He's not going very fast".
😟
A farmer recently took to physically blocking me from WALKING my bike along a footpath.
They asked me where I was from, Leamington Spa I replied.
They called me a 'townie'
😂
“You little shit.” Shouted over and over with more venom and spite than than anything I’ve ever seen in my life.
From an old lady, who grabbed my bars, rather than step closer to the young lady with her. Who didn’t say a thing.
I witnessed similar to crazy-legs but in Pheasant shooting context.
Walker: "you are not allowed to shoot guns on this hill! It's private property."
Shooter: "I know it's private property. I own it..."
The worst insult I ever got was from my Mum! I was showing her my 'sick' jumping skills, doing some X-ups and tabletop jumps. The one attempt I got a bit wrong and just dead sailored. Mum exclaimed "Well done! You went in a straight line that time!"
The maddest one I've had was a furious old girl screaming nonsense at me "you can't ride your bike round here. You're causing a f'ing danger. I'll report you, you c*" etc etc. The thing is, I was out for a run, not even on a bike.
That was last year, but I've since seen her 3 more times going mental at the local 5k parkrun, waving her stick and swearing at everyone.
'all the gear but nae bell!'
I had a good one mid-pandemic:
"You should slow down, people walk their dogs along this path!"
to which I responded:
"I did, You should put your dog on its lead, People ride bicycles along this path"
Perfectly friendly exchange with a farmer who grazes his sheep on the moor, who'd intercepted me on his quad thing, as I was puffing my way up:
"you shouldn't be riding here"
"oh aye?" The council owns this and riding's allowed".
"well you're damaging the moor"
...as I start to laugh, looking down the heavily rutted, churned up section of moor behind me that's had tractors up and down it. To be fair he didn't quite manage to keep a straight face.
I came here looking for a picture of the dog riding the horse and was disappointed..
sorry about that see the dyslexia thread from a few weeks ago for an explanation :o) i didnt type my original post in word first it does a good job of correcting for me
would be great to see a dog riding a horse though loving some of these though especially the land owner ones
not an angry one but my favourite insult was from a couple who held a gate for me, most of the way up a stiffish climb in the lakes. Me "thanks very much" Her "you're welcome - you look like you need the help"
Got called a “stupid old c$#t” a few weeks back
I’ve had ‘four eyed c$#t’, from a gamekeeper whilst on the Moresdale Road up Arkengarthdale. He was rabbiting on about who maintained it, he was in a 4x4 3 ton lorry & I was on a pushbike.
Not angry (although I've had plenty of the bell related abuse too, despite using a bloody bell!), but made me smile!
I was spinning away up a hill on the South Downs and a group on ebikes sped past me barely breaking a sweat. Shortly afterwards these lads held open the gate at the top of the hill and said 'at least you'll have earned that beer when you get home'!!
Not had any from walkers but on the road I got called a fat bastard by someone at least 6 stone heavier than me. He was red faced and angry in his car. I laughed at him
I was once called a pedal pushin' prick. Thats probablymy favourite. I liked it so much i had it made into a sticker for my top tube 🤣
Cycling through Whiteley Woods NCN trail near Endcliffe Park in Sheffield, the roadway has a three/four foot dedicated cycle lane. I was ringing my bell as a woman and a dog were standing in the cycle lane, on hearing the bell she turned round and gave me a filthy look and I said 'you are standing in the middle of a bike lane' to which she shouted 'well I've got a dog'.
The local youths in my village always ask me to do a wheelie. Each time I ride away, both wheels on the ground and a single tear in my eye.
"Real men ride women"
Shouted by some "youths" as a rode through a park. I pointed out i'd been married for 11 years so was happy to be riding anything.
Completely immature of me but when a miserable old bastard yelled “I can’t hear a bell” I responded with “Well I can hear a bellend”
Favourite one was utterly mental. Just come out of Oven Bottom Lane near Macc Forest and there was a family in matching shellsuits walking up the road in a line. Kid at the back whips out a whistle when he sees me. Starts blowing, pointing and in between yelling “Bike!”
I Laughed and then the rest of the buggers did the exact same thing as I road passed them. Four shellsuit clad mad bastards, blowing whistles, pointing and yelling “BIKE!” It was like the end scene from the Body Snatchers.
“He’s not going very fast”.
Thread winner IMO.
Total putdown...
My (68 year old) Dad's response to walkers works pretty well:
"You shouldn't be riding on footpaths"
"Yeah I know, but haven't you ever tried doing something a bit naughty?!"
They don't have a clue what to say back, just flustered and embarrassed in front of their walking group.
or be like me, argue with a walker for ages about whether we're on a footpath or a bridleway, gets a bit heated, I ride off victorious having won the argument and smug in the knowledge I'm right. Only to get home, and find out that I'm not.
and for balance.....the absolute throbbers going full send down Buckden Woods (footpath) as I'm walking up with dog on a lead. Yeah I've ridden it loads of times but it's not BPW and if your busted riding somewhere you should then stop and pull over otherwise you're going to get shit.
An old fella shouted at my mate and me when we were riding along the local canal path, claiming we were going too fast and could kill him.
I said we had slowed down and shouted a greeting/warning several times as we approached him from behind.
“Well, what good is that? I’m deaf” was his reply.
I then asked him how he heard me say we had slowed down and shouted a warning if he was deaf.
“Fu** off, you hooligans”, says he.
We just rode off.
An old fella shouted at my mate and me when we were riding along the local canal path, claiming we were going too fast and could kill him.
Had an old guy walking along the canal towards me - good visibility and sightlines, we saw each other from a fair way off, I slowed down, he stood to one side.
As I passed:
"you should use a bell!"
WTAF for? You saw me, I saw you, we passed with no conflict - and now you've turned it into a conflict.
In Finland (which has right to roam) I was about to turn down one of my fave trails around a lake when a woman stopped me.
Her: <something in Finnish>
Me: Sorry, English?
Her: Do you have to ride down there?
Me: (squaring up for an argument) No, but I'd like to.
Her: Only there's been a report of a female bear with cubs at that lake and they can be dangerous.
Me: (quickly backing down) Ooh, well, ah, thanks for telling me!
I went a different way. Glad I met her to be honest!
Not a walker but another cyclist. I was overtaken by a woman on an E mtb going up to Captain Cooks monument, as she went past she was in gloaty mode. ‘You need one of these, race you to the top’.
Then dared to call me a reckless idiot when I went past her at a fair rate of knots down the steps off the other side, while she was pushing down.
I may or may not have shouted, ‘race you to the bottom’.
My (68 year old) Dad’s response to walkers works pretty well:
“You shouldn’t be riding on footpaths”
“Yeah I know, but haven’t you ever tried doing something a bit naughty?!”
Your dad is my new hero
Then dared to call me a reckless idiot when I went past her at a fair rate of knots down the steps off the other side, while she was pushing down.
I may or may not have shouted, ‘race you to the bottom’.
Those steps were the first technical feature of my very first actual mountain bike ride back in the late 90's. Still love hammering down them as fast as I dare today!
Someone told me once I “shouldn’t ride on this path” so I pointed out that it was a bridleway
A variation on this - during lockdown I came up behind a walker on a bridleway near Durham and rang my bell. He turned round and said “you shouldn’t be riding here”. I pointed out it was a bridleway and he said “no it isn’t, look that’s a style”, pointing at the style… next to the gate… with a “bridleway” sign on it.
The best walker interaction I’ve had was whilst walking up Cat Bells on my first date with my now wife - it was foul weather, but out of the mist at the top there appeared a lady selling homemade flapjack. Needless to say, it was an offer too good to refuse!
and for balance…..the absolute throbbers going full send down Buckden Woods (footpath) as I’m walking up with dog on a lead. Yeah I’ve ridden it loads of times but it’s not BPW and if your busted riding somewhere you should then stop and pull over otherwise you’re going to get shit.
I don't get this at all. Last year I saw a train of MTBers on a sunny Sunday morning zipping down one of the Holcombe Hill descents and screaming at walkers to get out the way.
If there are walkers, just slow/stop and say hi -- rule #1 type stuff. And it's a Sunday morning, it's going to be busy. Why not make life easy and ride elsewhere?
Not an insult but another ironic one: riding slowly through a park on a cycle route, having track stood (track standed?) to wait to pass through a gate.
Bloke says: "You shouldn't be riding through here"
Says I: "But it's a cycle route"
Him: "No it's not"
Me: "Yes, there's the sign just behind you"
Bloke's mate: "Alright, let's just calm down, he didn't say anything to you"
Me: "Have a good day guys"
