This morning i was out for a quick pre work ride in the woods did a few "sweet jumps" met some cheery people walking there dogs riding horses and even some fellow bikers all was well with the world the sun was peeking out from the clouds then met Mr Angry!
He is one of those people who are angry at he world but what made me smile and also be offended in equal measure was some of his insults amongst the angry swearing he had the cheek to shout at me
"you are like Boris johnson an entitled boris johnson"
swear words removed so as not to trigger the swear filter
so what are you best trailside insults from angry people?
Crikey, an *entitled* Boris Johnson?
The mind actually boggles.
^that.
Is there any other type of Boris Johnson??
I once had exchange on the quantocks along the lines of
’you can’t ride your bike here, it’s a footpath’
to which I responded.
‘you are sitting on a horse, neither are you. ‘
*there may have been more swearing from both parties.
An old lady in Richmond Park once whacked my front wheel with her wooden walking stick - the rebound nearly took it out of her hand!
To be fair, i was a little off-course...
I had someone shout to me once that I wasn't allowed to ride where I was because it was private land.
I stopped and confirmed that I was aware that it was indeed private land.
I enquired if she know who the landowner was? She didn't know.
I helped her out by letting her know that it had just been acquired by Sustrans, for the construction of a cycle track.
Approaching a horse (and rider) head on, very slowly along a country lane
”you stupid man, don’t you know my horse is frightened of bikes”
“well funnily enough, no!”
Can I just point out that by using "there" instead of "their" you are saying that you met some dogs riding horses. Unless that was intentional and you actually did? 😉
Someone once shouted out a window at me "Oi! Your back wheel's following you!"
Unfortunately most of the walkers I used to meet when MTBing would just sullenly stare ahead in silence refusing to meet my gaze after I greeted them
Was taking my inhaler mid-commute once and got accused of being Bradley Wiggins! I took it as a compliment. I'm probaly twice his weight!
Was taking my inhaler mid-commute once and got accused of being Bradley Wiggins! I took it as a compliment. I’m probaly twice his weight!
I like that one it shows some cycling knowledge
Someone told me once I "shouldn't ride on this path" so I pointed out that it was a bridleway, that I am obliged to use bridleways whereas they could elect to use a bridleway, but then should expect typical bridleway traffic.
The response was "What's a bridleway?"
I once had exchange on the quantocks
And how was it for you... you rapscallian!
Got called a "stupid old c$#t" a few weeks back. TBH, it was the 'old' that cut the most...
I was regaled recently with ' Bikes are for poofs' by some bams. I retorted with 'Thats no what your Maw says' 🤗
I was screamed at for singlehandedly causing the erosion of the Lake district for being on Old Man with a bike for a chap from London WTF !! once id pointed out the 200+ people on the summit and the fact his head needs to be wobbled i trundled off into the distance doing skids to be cu£%ish
Why do people say "not far now" when they don't know where you're going?
Or "that looks tough" when you're clearly making easier and better progress than they are? The last person to say that to me was about a million and waiting for his Mrs who [fair play] was hobbling along with two sticks - I thought THAT looked tough!
I'm going to steal this from a good friend of mine, but I was there and it was priceless.
We'd come through Mam Nick, through the gate and took the BW under Mam Tor to meet the slabbed section down to Hollings Cross.
On that slabbed section we were told by a walker that we shouldn't be there. @MartynS of this parish then pointed out to him that note only was it a BW but it featured on the cover of the OS map, showing a mountain biker on said section!
Yesterday morning, 'GET A LOUDER BELL!!'. I'd ridden past her, having dinged my bell several times and shouted. She'd bellowed at me get a bell, so I stopped, dinged again and told her to take her fing headphones out. She shouted about a louder bell as I rode away. This on a well used cycle path.
Had an absolute belter this week. Chap said to me as I passed:
"A bell would be good"
I said I'd just rung my bell three times with no response.
"Well I didn't hear it"
And I cycled on.
A group of yoofs "You can't ride that here"
My mates reply ...."No, but your mam likes to be ridden everywhere"
As above
“Get a bell!”
“You didn’t hear me shout excuse me 5 times, you’re not going to hear a bell”
Walker; You need the the landowner's explicit permission to ride here, it's a permissive bridleway
Me; That's not how permissive bridleways work
Walker; Yes it is, you need the landowner's permission in each case
Me; That's not correct, but ok (pulls out phone)
Walker; What are you doing?
Me; I'm ringing the landowner
Walker; How do you know the landowner, you aren't a local
Me; I'm 12th generation in this area, I grew up in that house over there (points to house on the other side of the valley)..
Walker (interrupting) But I don't know you
Me (phone now calling landowner); If you'd let me finish I would've also been able to tell you that I was the landowner's best man
Walker; Looks sheepishly at the ground
Me; Do you want to ask him yourself?
Walker wanders off muttering
Me (on phone); Hey mate, I've just had a classic with one of the local nutters!
I've seen her a couple of times since while out riding and she can't even look at me 🙂
I got a very angry "Can you slow down when you go past a horse" shout from a horse rider. My reply "No". Her sweary "why not". Me " Beacuase I've already stopped and I'm stationary". I'd stopped miles ahead of her and well off the bridlepath. It did make me laugh but she didnt seem to appreciate the irony!
@LS I've had a variation of that which goes along the lines of
Walker: This is a footpath
me: No it isn't anything, it's just a track through a private wood
Walker: It's a footpath and it's illegal for you to ride here
me: no it private land and I've got permission
Walker: No you don't (I'm paraphrasing here)
me: Hang on. I'll ring the landowner now (my landlord) and you can have a chat with him if you like.
Walker; mutter mutter grumble...wanders off
me: Sorry? didn't hear you....
I'm trying to workout what to Google to see if there's a similar thread on ukramblerists.com.
”No, but your mam likes to be ridden everywhere”
It’s these curiously UK-centric versions of ‘your mother (is promiscuous/a whore)’ jokes that I find endearing. Sexism, misogyny and degradation by sexual slur is hard-hitting, especially if the recipient thinks a lot of their mum. ‘Your dad’s gay’ is a rarer form of the same kind of approach (male hetero promiscuity being traditionally celebrated, they assumedly had to fish around a bit for a comparative ‘Your Dad’ slur)
Little known factlet: Earliest known evidence of a proto-”Your Mom” joke was found in inscribed on a Babylonian tablet over 3000 years ago. The punchline is sadly missing!
I can’t remember ever (while biking) being insulted by a walker. While out walking I’ve raged at a few ‘narrow-miss’ MTBrs though. Like to think I’m even-handed when it comes to dishing out approbation where necessary.
ossify Full Member
Someone once shouted out a window at me “Oi! Your back wheel’s following you!”
I had that one from some kids once too. The wit involved is obviously on too high a level for me to appreciate it.
HounsFull Member
“Get a bell!”
“You didn’t hear me shout excuse me 5 times, you’re not going to hear a bell”
For some people a bell is inherently important and I suspect they hear but ignore any vocal requests because they're not a bell.
People are weird.
Not so much insult so much as some rugby tackling...
Riding with a group from local outdoor centre - A figure leaps from behind a tree and rugby tackles last teenage rider to the floor while shouting at myself and colleague that we were not allowed to ride there as it was a footpath.
After the physical tussle of removing the Council Ranger from the flattened child, and after 5 minutes of shouting, my colleague managed to point out that we also worked for the same Council, that we had written (and carried with us) permission to use the woods on certain months of the year, from the same Council and landowner we all worked for.
Winters Morning, saturday, 6.30 Am. There's a hell of a headwind, and I'm doing maybe 3-4 MPH across a flat field, literally walking pace. A Woman walking her dogs shouts at me from maybe 100m away, I roll over to her to check if she's okay.
'What you're doing is dangerous and irresponsible! You're going to hurt someone! you could kill a child!'
I literally had no retort, so laughed and carried on. She was the only person I saw in 20 miles.
I was minding my own business one afternoon riding along a canal towpath, when a stick flew out in front of me, closely followed by a large dog chasing it. I had to brake sharply to avoid being punted into the canal. The dog's owner and her sullen partner appeared from a gap in the hedge so I explained her elementary mistake.
Me: "Your dog nearly had me off my bike. You blindly throwing that stick was a really inconsiderate thing to do".
Woman: "...this isn't a cycle path".
Me (pointing): "See that blue sign right there? It says that this is indeed a cycle path".
Woman: "[grumbles] well, you shouldn't be here because it's dangerous. You could fall into the canal".
Me (to the husband/partner): "Being married to someone so spectacularly dim must be a real drag, huh?"
I've been saving a retort for dog walkers but I don't seem to come into sweary conflict with others, so perhaps one of you can use it;
'Well it's not a dog shittery either, yet here you are!'
ossify Full Member
Someone once shouted out a window at me “Oi! Your back wheel’s following you!”
I like that one it shows some cycling knowledge
After the physical tussle of removing the Council Ranger from the flattened child,
What happened regarding the assault charge?
i dont tend to get much abuse from walkers when out riding. if i do i like to defuse the situation with a reply of ' well, at least nobody died'.
for some reason it seems to work.
@LS @nickc
We had a variation of that a few years ago.
Actually stopped by a dog walker, on private land, when riding there with the landowner and his son.
He was nice enough to let them carry on with their walk though.
(They did actually know each other, but not well enough to know that a) he was a keen MTBer and b) that they didn't have the landowners permission.)
‘Well it’s not a dog shittery either, yet here you are!’
Chapeau. (Am a responsible dog-walker, but dogshit left about is my nemesis whether I’m biking, walking, bivvying or picnicking ITS DISGOSTAN!)
From a runner not a walker but had a quite venomous "you're like f*kin mushrooms" shouted at me and @pook. Was tempted to follow him and ask for an explanation but he was quick and going the other way.
Had an absolute belter this week. Chap said to me as I passed:
“A bell would be good”
I said I’d just rung my bell three times with no response.
I've done this a few times when I haven't actually rung a bell. Especially effective with older folks. 🙂
Riding across the Downs in Bristol an older lady calls out that ‘bikes aren’t allowed on the grass’ to which I reply ‘I know, it’s madness’.
The Merchant Venturers can go##### themselves.
i dont tend to get much abuse from walkers when out riding. if i do i like to defuse the situation with a reply of ‘ well, at least nobody died’.
for some reason it seems to work.
They are probably waiting for the 'Yet'
I was regaled recently with ‘ Bikes are for poofs’ by some bams. I retorted with ‘Thats no what your Maw says’ 🤗
'So's yer maw' works equally well especially if they have enough neurons to untangle it.
On Claife Heights.
<Rings bell>
Gets closer.
<Rings bell again>
Still no reponse from the two older ladies walking in front of me.
"Morning!" I exclaim cheerily.
"You should have a bell. My husband's deaf!"
"I do!" I reply and ring it again.
"My husband can't hear you!"
Puzzled, I now look around for said husband, guessing that he has not gender re-assigned and is in fact the other woman.
"Erm, where is he?" I enquire mildly bemused.
"He's at home!" she replies without even a hint of irony.
I may have laughed heartily at this as I rode off..............Some people are just batshit crazy and to engage with them is like arguing with a pigeon.
Cheers
Sanny
Earliest known evidence of a proto-”Your Mom” joke was found in inscribed on a Babylonian tablet over 3000 years ago. The punchline is sadly missing!
Well don't leave it like that! Tell us what was found and we can have a go at coming up with punchlines.
Had an absolute belter this week. Chap said to me as I passed:
“A bell would be good”
I said I’d just rung my bell three times with no response.
“Well I didn’t hear it”
And I cycled on.
I had this recently. I suggested he go for a hearing test.
batshit crazy and to engage with them is like arguing with a pigeon.
I catch up with a runner, with loose and very nervous dog, running in the same direction as I'm cycling, on the 'bike' side of the shared use path. I point out that the dog will probably cause an accident and get told that I was riding too fast. How could he possibly know that when I rode from behind him, I ask, to which he replies that he's partially sighted. This puzzles me so much I ride off with no clever reply.
i dont tend to get much abuse from walkers when out riding. if i do i like to defuse the situation with a reply of ‘ well, at least nobody died’.
for some reason it seems to work.They are probably waiting for the ‘Yet’
When you're as big as Ton, I'd end with '.....at least no-one died this time'
Went for sunrise ride up a local hill. Picking my way down, because I knew there'd be folk coming up the footpath. I was told I was riding on a footpath, I agreed that I was riding and it was a footpath. I was pleasant and agreed with everything the ranter said. His mistake was asking why I thought it was ok. I pointed out that we were in Scotland and the border was 10miles in that direction.
Ace thread.
I'm not a fan of 'your mother' punchlines, but it strikes me it is a useful tool when there is no obvious retort.
You should have a bell 'so should...'
You can't ride here 'neither can...'
Your are going too fast 'thats not what...'
Is that the new Airdrop frame 'go and ask...'
Okay it doesn't work.
"You shouldn't be riding here" bellowed a chap in Tattershall shirt, cravat and tweed jacket. I politely pointed out he was standing next to a National Cycle Network sign.
He graciously apologised. Not the expected reply (disappointingly...)
“He’s at home!” she replies without even a hint of irony.
I can't work out of she is a super dry comic, or if you just got a lucky laugh there! Enjoyable either way.
“You shouldn’t be riding here” bellowed a chap in Tattershall shirt, cravat and tweed jacket. I politely pointed out he was standing next to a National Cycle Network sign.
Ha ha, we've had that. A little old golfer named John (as he told us a few minutes later) angrily told the group of us that we weren't allowed to ride across the course. I pointed to the bridleway sign that he was standing right next to. He continued to tell us why we couldn't ride across the golf course while we mocked him.
He actually did that to us on two separate occasions, following both of which some of us wrote polite emails to the golf club suggesting that they educate their members. I may have suggested that if John carried on, then we could probably arrange that the BW was fully used by every cyclist in the area on some Saturdays, legally causing some considerable nuisance to the golfers. The golf club were apologetic and polite in their reply.
useful tool when there is no obvious retort.
Same with:
‘You’re a fool!’
‘Grow up!’
‘Upyerarse, grandad!’
not so much insult, but
"You can't ride that up there!
"I know, I'm not
"But you were going to!
"No, I really wasn't
"I know you cyclists, if I wasn't here you'd have ridden up there
"Nope....
- Minority Report, Bridleway Edition.
Even better, it wasn't actually a walker, but the SWT warden on Chobham Common. Presumably I can't ride my bike up there because of erosion or whatever.... ironic given he'd clattered his landrover from about 1/2 mile away kicking up clouds of dust and sand on the way.
Biking on a bridleway and get the quite frankly absurd and downright aggressive:
"Have you got a licence to ride that thing here?!"
In response:
"Have you got a licence for that hair-cut, pal".
Childish, not productive, but quite satisfying.
From a walker pretending they were a farmer:
"You aren't allowed to ride your motorbike on the footpath"
I was on my mtb on a byway. Which the actual farmer had clearly recently driven a tractor along as it was covered in tracks and mud!
Not an insult but a nice bit of muppetry - I was grimacing my way up the climb to Bastow Edge and got stopped on one of the steeper bits by a walker. He then asked me to check my Garmin and tell him what the gradient was 🤣
I came here looking for a picture of the dog riding the horse and was disappointed..
A few years ago you needed a licence to use the canals in Scotland (this was not a well known fact) and this was free and downloadable from the website (before Scottish Canals were a thing). On a confrontation with a walker and their out of control dog i was told that i wasn't allowed to use the canal on a bike. So I produced my licence and asked them for theirs. Obviously they didn't have one, so i kindly escorted them off the canal at the closest point. Amazingly they obliged and apologised, .... still makes me laugh.
Similar to the other landowner stories above. Riding with a mate, we got the standard "this is private land / you shouldn't be riding here" blah blah.
Mate said (very reasonably), "are you the landowner"
"No, but I'll be reporting you to him"
"Oh excellent - you're speaking to him right now, how would you like to report this...?"
It was true as well, he was actually the landowner, not just calling the guy's bluff. We got muttered apologies and a clearly very deflated walker who'd gone from puffed up with his own "thou shalt not be here!" to embarrassed silence in 5 seconds.
Most insulting thing a walker ever said wasn't actually meant as an insult.
Wife and I are about to ride down cavedale on one of those perfect clear, cold frosty days. The first had happened quickly and was the sticky rather than slippery sort.
Anyway, we wait at the stone posts just before the decent really starts for two older ladies to finish their climb. "Oh, you're not going to ride down there are you?"
"I'm going to try" was my reply and off I went. Cleared it without a dab and I was on a hardtail as well. Pretty chuffed I was.
Anyway, wife finally catches up at the bottom and tells me that the other older lady had said as a parting comment.
"He's not going very fast".
😟
A farmer recently took to physically blocking me from WALKING my bike along a footpath.
They asked me where I was from, Leamington Spa I replied.
They called me a 'townie'
😂
“You little shit.” Shouted over and over with more venom and spite than than anything I’ve ever seen in my life.
From an old lady, who grabbed my bars, rather than step closer to the young lady with her. Who didn’t say a thing.
I witnessed similar to crazy-legs but in Pheasant shooting context.
Walker: "you are not allowed to shoot guns on this hill! It's private property."
Shooter: "I know it's private property. I own it..."
The worst insult I ever got was from my Mum! I was showing her my 'sick' jumping skills, doing some X-ups and tabletop jumps. The one attempt I got a bit wrong and just dead sailored. Mum exclaimed "Well done! You went in a straight line that time!"
The maddest one I've had was a furious old girl screaming nonsense at me "you can't ride your bike round here. You're causing a f'ing danger. I'll report you, you c*" etc etc. The thing is, I was out for a run, not even on a bike.
That was last year, but I've since seen her 3 more times going mental at the local 5k parkrun, waving her stick and swearing at everyone.
'all the gear but nae bell!'
I had a good one mid-pandemic:
"You should slow down, people walk their dogs along this path!"
to which I responded:
"I did, You should put your dog on its lead, People ride bicycles along this path"
Perfectly friendly exchange with a farmer who grazes his sheep on the moor, who'd intercepted me on his quad thing, as I was puffing my way up:
"you shouldn't be riding here"
"oh aye?" The council owns this and riding's allowed".
"well you're damaging the moor"
...as I start to laugh, looking down the heavily rutted, churned up section of moor behind me that's had tractors up and down it. To be fair he didn't quite manage to keep a straight face.
I came here looking for a picture of the dog riding the horse and was disappointed..
sorry about that see the dyslexia thread from a few weeks ago for an explanation :o) i didnt type my original post in word first it does a good job of correcting for me
would be great to see a dog riding a horse though loving some of these though especially the land owner ones
not an angry one but my favourite insult was from a couple who held a gate for me, most of the way up a stiffish climb in the lakes. Me "thanks very much" Her "you're welcome - you look like you need the help"
Got called a “stupid old c$#t” a few weeks back
I’ve had ‘four eyed c$#t’, from a gamekeeper whilst on the Moresdale Road up Arkengarthdale. He was rabbiting on about who maintained it, he was in a 4x4 3 ton lorry & I was on a pushbike.
Not angry (although I've had plenty of the bell related abuse too, despite using a bloody bell!), but made me smile!
I was spinning away up a hill on the South Downs and a group on ebikes sped past me barely breaking a sweat. Shortly afterwards these lads held open the gate at the top of the hill and said 'at least you'll have earned that beer when you get home'!!
Not had any from walkers but on the road I got called a fat bastard by someone at least 6 stone heavier than me. He was red faced and angry in his car. I laughed at him
I was once called a pedal pushin' prick. Thats probablymy favourite. I liked it so much i had it made into a sticker for my top tube 🤣
Cycling through Whiteley Woods NCN trail near Endcliffe Park in Sheffield, the roadway has a three/four foot dedicated cycle lane. I was ringing my bell as a woman and a dog were standing in the cycle lane, on hearing the bell she turned round and gave me a filthy look and I said 'you are standing in the middle of a bike lane' to which she shouted 'well I've got a dog'.
The local youths in my village always ask me to do a wheelie. Each time I ride away, both wheels on the ground and a single tear in my eye.
"Real men ride women"
Shouted by some "youths" as a rode through a park. I pointed out i'd been married for 11 years so was happy to be riding anything.
Completely immature of me but when a miserable old bastard yelled “I can’t hear a bell” I responded with “Well I can hear a bellend”
Favourite one was utterly mental. Just come out of Oven Bottom Lane near Macc Forest and there was a family in matching shellsuits walking up the road in a line. Kid at the back whips out a whistle when he sees me. Starts blowing, pointing and in between yelling “Bike!”
I Laughed and then the rest of the buggers did the exact same thing as I road passed them. Four shellsuit clad mad bastards, blowing whistles, pointing and yelling “BIKE!” It was like the end scene from the Body Snatchers.
“He’s not going very fast”.
Thread winner IMO.
Total putdown...