I start to pedal, anticipating the ride ahead. My mind is quiet. I chat on the climb, everything is normal and I have no anxiety or worry, I’m just happy to be out on my bike. It’s a bit like Russian Roulette, I never know whether fear is going to take over, or if I’ll be able to escape its grasp.
I’m not a particularly new rider, and aside from the year I took out from riding, I’ve been mountain biking since 2012. I ride as much as other life stuff allows, sometimes riding a lot, other times squeezing in a ride where possible. I can’t say whether it’s something that’s got worse, though perhaps with age and extra responsibility it has. I’m 32, I have no children, but have a house, a dog and other worldly, adulting responsibilities. No one wants to get hurt. But what do you do if you might end up hurting yourself because you’re too freaked out?
The Fear
Something starts to creep in from somewhere, no concrete thoughts, but a series of niggles form in my subconscious. Then my stomach becomes lead, weighed down and full. What am I even afraid of? My chest gets tighter, fluttering. What is wrong with you? My arms follow, unable to steady as adrenaline surges trying to figure out how to react. Why can’t I just ride this? Then the dread and frustration. Why is my body and mind working against me when all I want to do is enjoy the ride?
I could have ridden a particular section of trail 100 times, but my body is reacting in a way that tells me I may as well be tightroping over a canyon, blindfolded whilst juggling baskets of VERY angry wasps. There appears to be no specific science or reasoning behind when my subconscious decides that on this particular day mountain biking is the most terrifying thing ever (well, there obviously is a science or reason, but it might as well be in a lost ancient city, written in a dead language, because I have no idea).
Prime example that comes to mind. I was doing a season in Morzine, we were a few weeks in and went to do the main line in Les Gets. I wasn’t having a good time (although, admittedly, sometimes main line is comparable to trying to balance on a pneumatic drill and ride that down the hill). Towards the bottom, I pull up out of the way on a large berm. My partner, frustrated, tells me not to sit down. I sit down. And then I cry. I am so overwhelmed that I can’t even manage a red trail. Once I’d had my moment, we went up again before heading down a black off-piste trail which I managed with no worries at all. Go figure?
So What?
I will usually deal with ‘the fear’ in a few ways:
- Take it easy, doing only what I’m comfortable with.
- Rage and shout at myself and get very aggro.
- If I have them, put some headphones in and pop my riding playlist on (yes, very sociable).
- Reset, going back to ride something else until I’m feeling more confident.
- Talk myself down the trail, shouting like a wild, mad woman interspersed with calming affirmations like “you’ve got this, just RIDE it,” (a bit of self-coaching, if you will).
- Take some time out to calm down before trying again.
Usually it’s a combination of the above, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating to know I’m capable of riding something, only to be let down in the confidence department. It’s part of the reason I don’t race, even for fun. For me it’s not fun, it just ramps up the anxiety by over 9000 and I am a mess of a human.
I want to ride for fun, to enjoy it, and most of the time I do. Most of the time ‘the fear’ behaves and I’m happy to ride without the uninvited guest. The main takeaway is that this is normal and it happens. Adele Mitchelle wrote a really great piece using science to overcome fear. I’ll definitely be taking some of that advice on board next time I have to deal with my inner saboteur. Or there’s this piece from Hannah about things getting a bit too much. Articulating beautifully about how it feels to be so upset and frustrated when everyone else seems to be nailing it and having the best time, and you are slowly drowning, being pulled into a black hole of self-doubt and disappointment.
Feeling confident? 
Not so confident..
It’s not all Bad
Given that riding bikes is part of my job, deep down I think I often get a bit stressed and overwhelmed about what others might think. Then of course there’s social media (but that’s a whole other topic). I don’t have anything to prove, I’m a writer, not a professional rider, but the expectation is there, even if it’s just what I expect of myself. But, riding has taught me a lot about myself, and it gives much more than it takes.
Luckily I have enough self awareness (and plenty of stubbornness) to know when I’m pushing it too far and might end up hurting myself. Fear is no fun, but years of riding have taught me that I know what I’m good at and where my strengths lie. I also know what I’m capable of and where I could go wrong. I know it’s ok to not do something, and know it’s ok to have an off day. It’s not my favourite thing, I’d love to ride with the confidence I have on the good days, but even our favourite things aren’t good all the time. So here’s to fear, and what it can teach us about ourselves. Whether that’s where your limits are, or how to overcome something.
Sometimes you have to push on and get past it and you can, other days you need to know when to be kind to yourself and learn when to say no. What are your coping mechanisms for when fear or your inner saboteur joins you on a ride? I’d love to hear tips to take out on the trails.
I’m typically quite open and honest about my riding experiences on Instagram, and will talk about how I feel, both good and bad.
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Thank you for the refreshing article. The fear comes on all of us with any imagination to understand the consequences of our actions. Why this isn’t everytime I have never understood.
It’s not just the fear, it’s those days (for me) when reactions are slow, I’m looking at my front wheel instead of down the trail, standing high rather than getting low… just not on it, and thats when things go wrong.
Usually, its a outer cry of ‘maximum effort’, getting the body low and a refocus, combined with not thinking about strava PRs easing back on the speed!
Thanks for sharing. It’s comforting in a way to know that others have “their moments”, too. I’ve let fear hold me back for a long while and probably always will to some extent. I find getting angry at myself for not attempting something or riding like a right plum does not help at all, although it gives my mate a laugh. Nonetheless, I try to avoid that. Calming down, riding something tamer and most importantly, not being hard on yourself are all good strategies.
As for riding something new and scary, I have found a bit of Dutch courage can work wonders, although I won’t be writing self-help books about it. 🙂
For me the fear is before the ride (much like now, as I type getting ready to go out, but procrastinating): what if I’m rubbish, what if I can’t ride, what if I hold others up, what if I get really hungry…. And normally results in a bit of an upset stomach and silence for the van journey! Normally it’s all fine when I get there (crashes do of course happen – I flipping crashed my gravel bike at the weekend!)) but I’ve avoiding quite a few rides as a result of the fear. Not good. I guess just going to keep doing it, but also don’t feel forced to do riding you don’t want to do.