“Run Slower than Heather Mills with Woodworm”
(stolen from an STW thread earlier today)

“Genuine as Jordan’s Chest”

(in rather bad taste..)
as much use as Anne Frank’s drumkit.

“Run Slower than Heather Mills with Woodworm”
(stolen without credit from an STW thread earlier today)

FTFY.

A mate of mine, talking about someone who was struggling with something, coined “he’s taken to that like a duck to petrol.” Beautiful.

I am a big fan of:

…like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle

“Sweating like Josef Fritzl on an episode of MTV Cribs”

“Face like a smacked arse” always does the rounds here. 😆

Dumb as a bag of hammers (Must be said in a Texan drawl)

It’s a bit ‘Pearl Harbour’ out there isn’t it?

There’s a nasty nip in the air…..

‘sweating like a Bangkok money lender’ is my favourite.
‘handing them out like a man with no arms’

‘No shit Sherlock’ is nice and subtle 😆

Sweating like Peter Andre on Mastermind

CFH – unashamedly stolen borrowed from my “what’s your favourite ‘as much us as'” thread 😉

“Slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through treacle” is a favourite of mine.
And pretty much any of the similes used in Blackadder.

Oh, how about “Grinning like a wan….” …er perhaps not.

“A face like a robber’s dog”

Perfect.

Not a simile, but I liked it
You’re going to die!

But then I will wake up in a magical fantasy world filled with virgins.

You mean Games Workshop?
(Mongrels)

so many, so many…

“I’d give her a face like a plasterers radio”
“more chance of plaiting pi$$ / fog / sh1t”
[bike related for STW] “ridden more than TJ’s bike”
and to add the the bulldog….”face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle whilst chewing a wasp”

“he/she’s as mad as a trumpet.”

Sweating like a Blind Lezzer in a wet fish shop.!

Have also used it when my wife had a cold by substituting sweating with sniffing.

A face like a haunted cave in Poland

I’m particularly fond of “shaking like a shitting dog.”

a mate at University described a girl as having a ladygarden like a doormat. “I wasn’t sure if was meant to wipe my feet before entering”

About as much use as a chocolate teapot, an oldie but goldie.

Derek, plagiarismimitation is the most sincer form of flattery.

“face like a smashed crab”

Made a noise like an orchestra falling downstairs

A face like a crab’s bus ticket

S/he has a smile like a burned down village / badly kept cemetary.

It’s a bit Pearl Harbour.

Sweating like a Hobbit in Mordor.

It’s like trying to nail blancmange to a wall.

Like a bunch of monkeys all trying to shag the same football.

From another forum, re: the Eurozone leaders.

not really a simile,

but my mum used to say “show it the cow” when i was making her a cup of tea!

Like taking a running f*** at a rolling fa**y

“Thick as a whale omelette”

It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to **** a doorknob

Sounds like a skeleton having a **** in a biscuit tin; Hope hubs…

A face like a melted wellie,
A fanny like a bear-trapper’s hat,
But I still banged her like a sh*thouse door on a windy night.

As **** as a gypsy’s pram!

As much use as a lighthouse on Argyle Street

Looks as inviting as a bucket o clunge.

“Got a look of a dog that’s just been shown a card trick”

Bill Hicks