Hi STW collective

My much better half has a senior finance job – reporting into the FD. She works harder than anyone I know and is totally un-appreciated. Her boss thinks they get on well – and on the face of it, I suppose they do – but deep down, it is all about him.

For the last few weeks she comes home (late – often after 14 hours out of the house) – pretty upset. I cannot say anything to help – because my attitude is simple – tell him what you can do, what you can't – and make him choose. We end up falling out. Last night, same thing. Girly in her office had waters break. My better half takes her to the hospital, loses half a day (her boss just expects her to). She gets back, payroll system down. She knows her way round the systems – but she is not an expert. She needs to spend today fixing it – in order to get the hundreds of staff paid for Xmas. her boss says he needs her at a board meeting in London. She is worried sick that people won't get paid. She spends most of the night awake, sniffing (crying).

I'd have told him I wasn't going to the meeting – and would fix the payroll system. She said she did – but he wouldn't have it. So, when it doesn't work and folks don't get paid, I would ensure he takes the rap.

Couple of things to consider though…
1 She never really enjoys her job – and works to live
2 She feels trapped by the money
3 We will at some point downsize
4 We could probably downsize now and reduce financial commitments
5 She is well paid – and well able to take responsibility
6 The last person in her position had a nervous breakdown
7 Her boss is a roadie!

Seriously though – although it goes against my better judgement, I am ready to drop him a gentle email and explain how close to the edge she is. I'd rather do that than risk her health….. So, my question is, should I?

Ultimately, she needs to get out – but that won't happen quickly.

STW thoughts?

Seriously though – although it goes against my better judgement, I am ready to drop him a gentle email and explain how close to the edge she is. I'd rather do that than risk her health….. So, my question is, should I?

If I was in your shoes and it was like you say, then yes I would. No hesitation.
You obviously feel the same way I would: You love her and it hurts you to see her this way, and you know something has to give. Money is secondary to happiness.

Good luck to you both! 🙂

very very difficult thing to approach. I sympathise.
I cant really offer advice because I approach it much as you initially suggest and try and get Mrs S or Mrs S (Sr) to stand their ground, make things clear to their boss/colleagues and take control of their working life. But that's usually not the right answer for them…apparently. SO then I just shut up and let them get on with being screwed for a little while longer and IM the bad man for a while 🙄

good luck.

make babys 🙄

I would say absolutely NO don't send the mail. That will undermine her authority and position in her bosses eyes. Put yourself in her shoes and then think how you would feel about her mailing your boss to ask him to take it easy on you. It's like a letter from your mum.

Speak to her about it and see if she wants you to send something…

She has to deal with the situation and your job is to support her, not to get involved in it at work.

She should stand by her guns, either systems get fixed (shouldn't IT do that?) or she goes to a meeting. Can't have both and she has to state that in a black and white way. Leave no ambiguity.

I hope it all gets sorted out in a way that everyone is happy. Best to clear the air both at home and at work before anyone is in the situation where a breakdown of any kind is on the cards

Sometimes employers try to give you the impression that you *have* to work for them, and you couldn't possibly get a job elsewhere.

But actually, if she's any good there will be plenty of better companies only too happy to employ her. Expect a raise when she moves.

Get her to go to the doctor to have a chat about stress and / or depression before things get any worse. Believe me, they can help. Not been there quite as badly as you but I totally sympathise with your situation.

Repeat – time for a chat with the doctor.

Hope this helps

Julian

My thoughts – he'll keep on pushing her until she cracks, then he'll discard her without a second thought and get some other sucker to take his shit.

what the fettler said +1

You're in a tough one. Bon Courage.

agree with oddjob – if she is feeling a little powerless at work then you sending an email may worsen the situation.

do what you think is right as a couple – it's her job though so ultimately her decision. just back her in whatever she decides.

What oddjob said. You can't get involved with her job; you need to make sure you support her totally at home, so she can just deal with the situation at work.

It's a difficult time to be thinking of changing jobs I know, but help her see that she could.

I would be horrified if my partner emailed my boss on my behalf, thus confirming that your gf can't stand up for herself and needs a man to sort things for her.

Your gf needs to toughen up and remember that it's only work, be more assertive with her boss, or accept that she isn't suited for that particular job and move on. She sounds very capable, although with some self-esteem issues that her boss is exploiting.

If you really want to help, listen, don't criticize her, be supportive then sit down and help her plan out how she will approach her boss and improve the situation. Postive reinforcement etc.

and what Stratobiker said…

Mmm – thanks all.

Although I've not met her boss, I feel like I know him – even offered to show him what a proper bike is.

Lots of other things rumbling on in the background – to numerous to mention.

Might just show her this thread at the weekend…..!

Appreciate your comments though…

Thanks!

Do not send an email.

If you feel you must do something get her to do it. If she wont begin to deal with the problem no one else will able to help.

Get here to talk to HR, if indeed the previous person had problems they should be sympathetic.

If not, she should look for a new job. But if you interfere you will make a mess.

She is HR….lol…. amongst other things (local IT etc). She heads up a few departments….

Been through this (or similar) myself.

1 She never really enjoys her job – and works to live

That is a real sign to get out, if you don't enjoy what you are doing (or it is a means to an end to do what you enjoy doing) then it's probably time for a massive rethink.

2 She feels trapped by the money

Why? Is the money more important than life? Yes you need enough to meet your bills and a little extra to enjoy yourself, but I think many people think they need a lot more than they really do – which pushes you back to your first point (this was the trap I got caught up in).

3 We will at some point downsize

No point in having a huge house for 2 folk (assuming you don't have kids!). Also did this… which caused all sorts of additional stress… a 5 bed detached house was overkill for the 2 of us!

4 We could probably downsize now and reduce financial commitments

Sounds a good plan. I would start putting that in action (get the place spruced up and on the market in Spring perhaps)

5 She is well paid – and well able to take responsibility

Which is all good and fine, but no point in taking all the responsibility on your own shoulders without getting credit for it.

6 The last person in her position had a nervous breakdown

Says it all really… wife went through the same and had a complete breakdown, still recovering 18/24 months on (not working again yet, though to be fair we did have further even larger stressers on life after that initial breakdown). If you have never seen someone go through this then trust me, you don't want to see her go through that. Get her out asap.

7 Her boss is a roadie!

And we all know they are perverts 😉

It's difficult to understand the position and a company from your email, so apologies if I'm barking/wrong tree but you've confused me as from the 'senior finance job – reporting into the FD', and 'payroll system down, fixing it' would only go together in a very small company. 'in order to get the hundreds of staff paid for Xmas' – shoots that to hell, at that size I'd assume an IT department and an IT director – and I'd want to know why they weren't doing their jobs.

I'd strongly suggest not sticking your oar in. I'd suggest you get her to write down what she should be doing and what she is actually doing and then to try to understand if/why she is getting extra tasks (or if she can't or won't delegate what she should) and to start getting the extra pushed back to the proper owners (in writing) OR getting junior staff to take on more. If it's just her boss being unrealisatic/twatt then I'm afraid she has to broach that with her boss (in an APPROPRIATE manner – that's down to her she knows him better than you – sometimes gentle negotiation works, sometimes shouting at some people does actually work) – tell her to prepare for this meeting throroughly and properly) and to try to get her workload reduced. (Keep a diary, tasks, hours etc).

It sounds to me as if the boss values her so I'd hope he would also listen to her.

gusamc – Member
It's difficult to understand the position and a company from your email, so apologies if I'm barking/wrong tree but you've confused me as from the 'senior finance job – reporting into the FD', and 'payroll system down, fixing it' would only go together in a very small company. 'in order to get the hundreds of staff paid for Xmas' – shoots that to hell, at that size I'd assume an IT department and an IT director – and I'd want to know why they weren't doing their jobs.

VC funded business – little requirement for IT other than head office – lots of small branches around the country. Their IT support is outsourced – but she knows as much about the system as the experts.

I am sure he does value her – just doesn't ever show her! Like the meeting idea….

Don't send the e-mail. It'll only make things worse.

Nightmare situation.

Had it recently.

Probably not what you want to hear but the missus in the end came to the conclusion that to fight and fight was wasting her time and that life was too short. She moved on within the company and is now a lot happier.

HR were no help either. Looked at the companies interests before, and at the expense of all else. The manager in question has 4 people of a team of 8 of work with stress related illness and still nothing is done to educate him…….

Good luck

the time is never right to leave a job, have a baby etc. if it's something you both feel would be for the best do it now. life's too short. her boss has no loyalty to her and will never change his working ethos. i can't imagine him lying awake at night sobbing. your missus can change the situation pretty quickly. what's the worst that could happen? seriously?

I would say absolutely NO don't send the mail. That will undermine her authority and position in her bosses eyes. Put yourself in her shoes and then think how you would feel about her mailing your boss to ask him to take it easy on you. It's like a letter from your mum.

Agree with this completely

Perhaps start looking around (i.e. browsing not applying) for alternative jobs on her behalf. Pick and choose the best ones and present them to her. Upload her CV to a few online job search sites? It's difficult to think about changing jobs when there's a lot on one's plate. If someone's helping with a search it can really get things moving.

Go for a 2-3 week holiday abroad, if you can, asap. It can give you some fresh perspective and renewed impetus.

By the time one's health falters through stress it is too late and can sometimes take years to get over – mentally and physically. Best of luck.

i agree that you feel for her but sending an email will make her resent you for interfering, without sounding harsh let her deal with it herself it will all work out, all you can do is support her, good luck

i agree with luked2 there will be somewhere better for her elsewhere,

all the best and merry christmas,

gazman

I know it is never easy, but she needs to leave the job – 11 years ago I was in a similar situation & becoming depressed, I had to plan all sorts of outside work experiences just to give me something to look forward too & keep me on an even keel. Eventually left job & nightmare boss, far more appreciated where I am now & much happier even though not so good financially. Best thing I ever did though.

Us gents are terrible for trying to fix things and a bit quick to try as well. Oh, DO NOT send the email ffs.

I'd personally talk through points 1-7 with your wife, and talk about getting a new job. But don't be bossy about it, just keep calm about the whole thing. She probably knows she should, but quite often the thought of trying to get a new job is often more stressful than putting up with the one you've got.

Loads of good advice already here, so probably just echoing what others have said.

Don't send email. She has to handle this and you would undermine her by doing so.

Quite a lot of us have been in these crazy positions at work. The more capable and accommodating (i.e. doing things way above and beyond your job description) you are, the more shit you'll get dumped on you, and the more ridiculous the culprit boss's expectations will be.

You need to sit down together and work out what's important to her and you both. Then come up with some options and a plan for the short term – what gusmac said – and the longer term. When I got stuck in a similar scenario, the trick was to try and address some of the issues instead of fire fighting them (which is hard when you are feeling crushed as she is, so she'll need your support on this) and then develop a longer term plan – which for me was getting another job. If she can fix it then all well and good, but contrary to views I received from other people at the time, leaving isn't defeatist, it can be hugely positive, cause you get to take control. Sometimes the fight, the money, the status and all that bollocks really isn't worth it. For me it was a massive weight off my shoulders to let it go. It's a big world with lots of opportunities and when I hear about situations like this at work – I feel sad and angry in equal measure because of the emotional and wider impacts on people that are just so unnecessary.

Encourage her to read this thread. Good luck with it.

ps – us women are affected differently by this kind of stuff.. so bear that in mind

I've got to go to a meeting shortly, but will be back to recount what happened to Mrs North in a similar(ish) situation….

If its temporary, plan a great holiday for the summer, and get her to carry round postcards and images of the beaches.
If its permenant, leave the job.
In addition to what ART has said really, I've noticed the trend of "The more capable and accommodating (i.e. doing things way above and beyond your job description) you are, the more shit you'll get dumped on you" getting even stronger. Not sure why, I think its because there are more incompetent people around, who have gone through an education system that responds to moaning and disruption, sidelinging the diligent and conscientious. Nicholas Nassim Taleb has a good approach for this – be nice and friendly and open most of the time, but once in a while 'walk the walk' – do something unexpected and harsh, like destroy someone for no discernable reason in a meeting (preferably an a**shole).

7 Her boss is a roadie!

Say it all really. Tell her to find another job and pronto.

+1 Please don't send the mail.

Her IT is outsourced but your missus knows as much about it as them? Sorry, but she's taking on someone else's work, she needs to let go of that. Other people are being paid to do it and she's undermining their position.

I apologise if that comes across as harsh, but MrsG is going through something very similar too – trying to solve the whole of her business problems single handedly. It's a team game.

"1 She never really enjoys her job – and works to live"
There's the real problem – she needs to quit then re-think her life/career balance, or re-think then quit. What's the point in having the dosh but being miserable. Doesn't solve the immediate problem, which is a tough one. Reckon she should spell out what she's capable of in an email to the boss, and make them choose what she prioritises – then she's covered when the shit hits the fan. If she hates the job, what's the worst that can happen? Don't send the email though. Good luck.

i fell your pain and speaking from experience…

My wife used to be a branch manager for one of the large banks, the biggest branch in our area infact with about 14 staff.

it all started off amazing, interviews were good (5 of them!!) training was great, pay was great, bonus was great but after 6 months it started to get nasty, stupid targets to hit, her area manager was a right ***t! but looking back just doing his job as the one above him was turning the thumb screws.

to cut along story short we experienced many of the points you have raised, infact it got that bad with stress my wifes hair started to fall out!

in the end we had a huge chat and she packed the job in, took 6 months off to get her head sorted, saw the doctor and nearly went to therapy as it did nearly push her over the edge.

3 years later the hair has grown back thankfully, she is now doing a job as an admin manager in a tiny accountants firm and ive never seen her happier.

to be honest we do miss the 36k salary and it has been a bit of a struggle financially, but i'd rather see my wife happy and not on the verge of a serious breakdown. end of the day its about being happy, we've learnt the hard way but we enjoy our life now more than we ever did back in the dark days.

my advice, as hard as it may seem with commitments etc, GET HER OUT NOW!

I would suggest she or you keep alog of the unreasonable demands made/ unpaid overtime/ late nights early starts etc.

In a couple of months it's likely that she'd have a case for constructive dismissal if she left.

Bosses like that are just a bloody joke and take advantage of people.

Why is she looking after the payroll system? Should get a contract with a company (like mine!) to look after it for her.

I would say absolutely NO don't send the mail. That will undermine her authority and position in her bosses eyes. Put yourself in her shoes and then think how you would feel about her mailing your boss to ask him to take it easy on you. It's like a letter from your mum

Tough one but in the end I think oddjob is right.

Again, thanks all. Some great stuff here…..

She is currently sitting on a train somewhere South, stuck – heading for a meeting in London…. with a massive chance that she will miss the train home. She is with her boss!

I think a few of you have hit the nail on the head -she is too accomodating – and capable.

I've just emailed a local estate agency – get him out to value this place.

We've got a great holiday booked – but it is not till June – but that has been keeping her going…

I think I've binned the email idea. I probably wouldn't have done it – but it is the only thing I could do…

We'll have a good chat over the weekend….

Appreciate the time a lot of you have taken to reply.

🙂

Until Mrs C gets back get out on your bike and go for a real long ride Si coz when she gets back and finds out you've been talking about her on a MTB forum shes going to have your balls big style…. 😆

Make sure the new place has some storage for me Si…..

7 Her boss is a roadie!

Wait on route for him, then "POW" stick through front wheel.

As others have said – do not send that e mail.

You need a long calm chat with your wife about this -my guess is she does not see the wood from the trees.

IMO she needs to quit ASAP. Living to work is just wrong especially if it is damaging her health.

On the payroll question – if wages are late going out the company is liable for any costs to the workforce as they are in breach of contract by not paying folk – so the company has to pay any overdraft fees / charges for bounced payments etc

agree with tj.
plus if she quits it will take her a matter of days to be able to see clearly what a load of toss it all was.
then her life will get better.

Been there so many times with my gf, she works at a special needs school. The school is really badly run. They take kids in based on the amount of money they can get from the government rather they the suitability. So you have rich kids whose parents can afford the £20k/year fee mixing with severly disturbed kids who come from broken homes, the sort of kids who attempt to stab their parents, these are sent to the school by the local council.

She is overworked and underappreciated, and has to work with total idiots. The supposed IT guy has been suspended once already for inappropriate behaviour with one of the pupils.

I have said to her before I am so close to telling the board of governers/local newspaper about this school, but you cannot do anything. Its frustrating, but all I can do is give her my opinion/support when she needs it.