What should I eat between now and Thursday to ensure my farts are hideous?

I can brew a foul stench with the best of them, but it’s pretty random and I don’t pay much attention to what I ate the day before.

On Thursday my boss and I have a long drive and he has stupidly told me he is going to have chicken broth for tea the next two nights so his guts are hoaching on Thursday.

What should I eat between now and then to compete if not vanquish him?

Real ale.. Lots of it.

Batchelors Beanfeast works for me. 😈

Sheep poo works for the dog

Jerusalem Artichokes are banned by the UN WMD convention.

Real Ale + quorn + cheese beans. (your welcome)

As above, beans, something with lots of chillis, ale, cheese and artichokes.

You might just shart yourself to death though.

Dried apricots. Not organic as you need the preservative sulphur for full pungency. Also, plenty of protein for strength and depth.

Lentils, beans have their place but lentils lead me to produce smells even I struggle with

Chicken tikka dhal

I should add that protein in the form of billtong or beef jerky is particularly effective and easily portable so you can reload on the way.

All the above, but in a massive omelette

Sprouts.

Crikey, this is quite a shopping list. I would prefer not to soil myself but it’s an acceptable risk.

What you need to do is keep the badness in.

Cut down on the roughage increase the fats and protein and get the body slowing down.

THEN

Loosen it off with some pulses and ale.

Lentil and cauliflower curry, just be warned the increase in volume and toxicity comes with additional hazards

Pot noodle, guiness and pickled naga chillies

Do you wanna just borrow my dog? He’s absolutely rank today.

Go to your nearest Chinese/Asian whatever supermarket get a bottle of this beans (usually in a bottle already peeled with just the beans) … can be eaten raw btw.

I love them very much when they are cooked in spicy sauce and your stink bomb cannot even compare to the smell this can produce.

😛

But timing is important too. I don’t want to be having a big clear out on Wednesday morning and waste it all.

Chakaping – is he small enough to hide in my trousers without arousing suspicion?

Kim chi and real ale works for me

I would prefer not to soil myself but it’s an acceptable risk.

😆 properly laughing at that!

‘He who dares, Rodders. He. Who. Dares.’

Pate or anything with liver

Get some loperamide, just in case

Add some durian. Burp/fart dual pronged attack.

properly laughing at that!

+1 😆

OP, take some spare underpants and wet wipes just in case!

Chakaping – is he small enough to hide in my trousers without arousing suspicion?

He looks like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth, I know.

Add some pickled onions, eggs and red cabbage to your shopping list, you can take the pickled stuff with you in the car if you can’t face eating it.
And some adult nappies maybe?

Onion Bhajis and alot of real ale.

I find stuffing works!

No-one’s suggested Picolax yet? Disappoint.

Several bottles of Theakston’s would be my suggestion. Known in these parts as “Finest Eggy.”

Wash the above down with Perry (not pear cider)

Go vegan. Works for me 😳

Sprouts (I’m banned from eating them), Marstons Oyster Stout (banned from drinking it). Curry, something like tahka dahl should do nicely.

Anecdotally,

A work colleague once came to mine for food and beer. I made fajitas.

The next day we spent the morning deflating and generally turning the air brown. Work called out Dynarod to fix the toilet drains.

Second the dried apricots

Energy gels the missus hates me when I’ve had few

Fried onions always works for me.

Newcastle brown ale

Thank you for these wonderful suggestions. So far I am thinking ale (or perhaps Guinness), cheese, pate, onions (raw and fried), curry, eggs and biltong. Not a fan of beans sadly, but there are plenty of alternatives evidently.