I went to a brilliant wedding at the weekend. Here is my account of events… and most of it is true.

1:50 No priest. No string quartet. Organist locked out of organ loft. Groom needs a wee. Bride outside.

Me (Usher): No priest. Take her round the block.
Chauffer: OK

1:52
Me: Still no priest. We’ve been banging on his door for 10 minutes and he’s not answering the phone. Take her round the block again but don’t tell her what is happening. I think he’s dead in his bathroom.
Chauffer: Don’t say that.

1:54
Me: Take her round again.
Chauffer: Perhaps he is dead in his bathroom.

1:56
Priest shows up and unlocks door to the organ loft. Groom tries to nip out for a wee to the toilet which is next door. But the bridal party are all stood in front of the toilet door. Bride heads off towards front doors. Groom has about 30 seconds to wee and get back in through back door of church.

1:57 Bride outside, no string quartet and the organist hasn’t got the music for “Here comes the bride”.

Me: The quartet are stuck in traffic, you are going to have to wing it.
Organist: That’s the least of our problems, I can’t start up the organ.
Me: What?
Organist: It won’t start. Don’t go!
Me: Don’t go? What the **** do you expect me to do exactly?

Much frantic switch flicking and button pressing (there are less switches on the flight deck of a 747) followed by the sound of the compressor wheezing into life.

2:00 We’re off. To the strains of Here Comes the Bride (Les Dawson re-mix). Much sniggering on the back row throughout the first 10 minutes of the service, but the sound of the compressor on the organ fighting a losing battle against 70 year old leaky pipes could drown out a medium sized bombing. Panic over, I knew that we would have gotten away with it because we had half a choir on standby and a spare nun in the bride’s side of the family who is trained to deal with ecumenical emergencies.

60 minutes of a Catholic wedding are enough to put anyone off religion. The reading was St Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, which got me thinking about the Eddie Izzard thing. The Corinthians letter to St Paul

Dear Paul… a saint apparently,

**** off.

The Corinthians,
Corinth.

Then he mumbled in to “The Sermon on the Mount”. The guy stood next to me (a friend’s husband who is legendary in his adopted home village of Reeth for trying to integrate with the locals by offering to drain a neighbour’s septic tank. But he put the pump into blow rather than suck and sprayed crap all over himself, the neighbour and the back of the neighbour’s house) is a funny bloke and he starts giggling and muttering on about the Life of Brian version

“Blessed are the Greek? What have they done?… Blessed are the cheese makers… Speak up, we can’t hear you at the back… Shut it big nose.”

We’re all barely in control at this point. I’m trying to not to look at him, but as a child he had a chunk bitten out of his ear by a photographer’s monkey and it just draws you in and makes you want to giggle even more. My mate Pete is in the row in front and has completely lost it. His missus is bollocking him and elbowing him, which is only adding oxygen to our giggle storm. Luckily there is a break for “Morning has broken”, which dampens festivities.

4:00pm Start drinking
1:00am Stop drinking

A great day. Big Reg the DJ even played “Camouflage” by Stan Ridgeway at the reception.

Stop it. I’m getting hitched on 4th April…..

😯

Fantastic.

I love weddings. Guaranteed fun. A lot of my family live in Essex and the East End, They don’t think they’ve had a good time unless there’s a big fight, and if things aren’t going to plan, they’ll start one. I remember an Uncle telling me to punch his own son “Smack ‘im, Nick, he’s lookin at your bird…”

but as a child he had a chunk bitten out of his ear by a photographer’s monkey

Comic genius – patently not ‘funny’ but absolutely ufcking hilarious! You should write comedy shows with your style LOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!

Woh! Woh! Wohhhhh!

Stop!

4pm before you started drinking what a shit wedding.

No great story really.

God I love them. Season will be starting again soon. 3 booked so far this year. Looking forward to each and every one of them. We got married ourselves last Summer and it was an absolutely fantastic day. Our only cock-up was not locating the corsages in the back of the church and nicking them from the church steps instead.

Drinkies started at about 2PM 🙂

A few year back a at a friends wedding, the organist was terrible and must have had fat fingers as there were way too many notes played. I couldn’t stop laughing, but fortunately the congregation joined me in a giggling fit, even the vicar was trying not to laugh and commented “…we’re definately getting our money’s worth of notes today”.

Weddings can be brilliant!

So weddings are brilliant becausethey suck?

😉

It didn’t suck at all. Its the slight blips that make them special IMHO.

At my wedding the arrival of the bride would have been uneventful had the car not pulled up on the other side of Manchester Town Hall to the one we were expecting. The sight of the bridesmaids and photographer having to leg it across Albert Square with all of the wedding guests looking out of the window wondering WTF is going on will stick with me for ever.

Weddings are brilliant because no matter how badly they go (ok, to some degree) there’s always a bunch of people there to be happy and enjoy a night, so the cockups just add to the fun.

Anybody else laugh at “take her round the block”?

At my mate’s wedding last year, the priest – a 90 year old army padre who’d never conducted a wedding before – asked my mate if he ‘took Julie to be his lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, etc, etc…’

She’s called Joanne.

Then he read through all of her lines without giving her a pause to repeat after him, so technically, I think he’s now married to my bud.

All the while, I was sitting at the back next to the very hot photographer (a City fan) sharing a pair of earphones with her listening to City/Liverpool.

She fell off the pew and broke her camera when a goal went in! Cracking wedding.

At the Dance following my first Wedding.

My Best mate started a fight with my next door neighbour. Turned out his Dad had been sh@gging the neighours wife. I had to break it up.

The DJ then said he’d play any requests. Someone asked for Alice by Smokey. The DJ Didn’t have it. He did however have the Chubby Brown Version. My Dad nearly punched him.

Quality evening.

Got Divorced 7 years later.

Getting Married again 25 April.

We had the Screaming Beavers at our wedding, a 14-peice soul band. They were great, especially when the missus got up on stage to sing Mustang Sally whilst still wearing her big frock.
Macclesfield locals may have heard of them.

No fights though. I feel like I’ve missed something in my life somehow.

I got married in Sri-Lanka. It was monsoon season (which the travel agent neglected to tell us). We posponed the wedding for 30min until it stopped raining and then cracked on.

Whilst on the beach, the wife fell off the elephant, once i new she was all right (5 seconds later) i laughed so hard a little wee came out and i nearly fell off as well.

Neadless to say, this didn’t go down well. Add the fact the several of the guests had the s*@ts from jet-skiing in some dodgy bit of see and all was fantastic.

I love my wife but if i do ever get divorced then i’m never, ever getting married again. Luckily no kids, ha ha.

My bride was 45 mins late and the aging organist was beginning to struggle. I took on the role of warm up act and tried to keep everyone entertained. Only real problem was it was in Feb and we were running out of light for after wedding photos.

A few weeks before our wedding I’d written down a huge list of tunes for the d.j to play. you know the type of stuff, Tom Jones, Michael Jackson, really anything except ‘steps’.
On the actual night new hubby goes over and complains to the d.j. to stop playing that cr*p and instead gave him a verbal list of heavy metal head banging stuff to play. This immediately cleared the floor.
I stormed over, and we had our first (proper married) arguement on the stage in front of everyone. It took me 20 minutes to calm down, meanwhile he was still headbanging away with 2 other guys.
Aarrghh, now the Honeymoon that’s another story.

A friend of mine who is a celebrated two pint screamer was left in charge of the laptop with a massive pre programmed soundtrack for his Sister in law’s big day, as his wife was part of the bridal party he got well and truly pished while the pics were taken. All is going ok till some one request Moondance by Van Morrison, My bud scrolls through, finds said song but deletes the rest of the evenings playlist. He wanders off not caring one iota while the laptop only plays songs beginning with “m” for the remainder of the evening!

Went to an Indian wedding, think it cost them £50K but was amazing like a bollywood movie dance scene-they know how to party wearing turbans!

Aarrghh, now the Honeymoon that’s another story.

😯

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