Get a massive jetwasher with a diesel generator, and give your bike a damn good going over whenever you’ve got back from the pub, after your post-night-ride beer.

That way you’re doing your neighbours a favour by ensuring your immaculately clean bike will be causing no damage

When I lived in my old flat it was an ex-local authority place with 30 flats and there were all sorts of issues and counter issues raised by the tennants that the authority (who were the leasholder) had to handle. I met the guy who was responsible for tennant complaints one day. He had the patience of a saint, as he was obliged to respond to each one – and make action plans for repeat offenders. I was one of the repeat offenders for issue one below (tip off no physical evidence – no action taken).

Firstly there were compliants about a couple of people with bicycles making it muddy. Everyone got letters. Then it was parents carrying their kids bikes up the stairs making it muddy. Everyone got letters. Then it was people leaving push chairs under the stair well cluttering up the place. Everyone got letters. Then it was people who had dogs – against the terms of their lease. Everyone got letters. Parking. Letters. Recycling bin misuse. Letters. Leaving doors open. Letters.

I would say that nothing actually changed – nobody got turfed out – and we all carried on. Except for the very passively agressive guy in flat 86……who we suspect was the source of all of the complaints…

When we left he complained to a neighbour that we cooked stinky food with the windows open to get at him. We did not get a letter about this.