I am in charge of cheese this year, so apart from the obvious Tom Jones and Sergio Mendes CDs, I will get a selection of posh smelley cheese from Mellis'.
I always think it is a good idea to get some cheap plastic stuff from Tescos too, so the proles can eat that and not waste the good stuff.
(This rule applies to wine too.)
xv - one cheese must taste of heaven, but make your fingers smell of bumholeone of my favourite posts ever!
xxviii) There shall be Cheshire cheese, as it is Britain's oldest and finest gone-off milk product.
This:
And This:
first rule of cheese board, don't mention the cheese board .
And include Hampshires finest please... Primula Puke eater.
Cheese Facism, whatever next?
dlcvxii)Oh you might want to include Isle of Wight Blue. I swear I got off my tits on it last year after eating nearly half a pack in one session.
Don't forget to include this -
bikebouy - MArmite? Branston? you are a very very very sick man.
dlcvxiv) The only pickled products present should be onions so strong that they actually make your face implode
Sage Derby must also be included, for creamy lovliness content
I Is Piky Me.. Branston wiv evryfink init.
personally I have a love/hate relationship with this place. Strange, I know.
If the host serves cheese straight from the fridge it's beholden on the guests to take them outside and beat them roundly.
dlcvxiii) All cheese must be cubed and impaled with a chunk of pineapple on a cocktail stick 
dlcvxiii) All cheese must be cubed and impaled with a chunk of pineapple on a cocktail stick
"giggles to himself"
1) Always place the cheese in order of strength
2) Always eat the cheese in order of strength
3) Always cut the Roquefort or similar vertically, not horizontally.
Regarding rule #3, anyone who takes the centre bit with a cheeky ‘ooh, it’s the best bit’ gets stabbed in the face.
I'm with fennesz - anyone who cuts the nose off should be boiled alive.
DON'T CROSS CONTAMINATE KNIVES/BOARD AREA.
I don't want to cut my nice cheddar with a knife that has been used to cut some smelly gooey mess.
The fact that you think there are rules for cheese 
makes you all look a bit stupid in my opinion.
Regarding rule #3, anyone who takes the centre bit with a cheeky ‘ooh, it’s the best bit’ gets stabbed in the face.
Sent forth to ne'er return would suffice, but saying that, extreme violence wouldn't be amiss.
xli) Include at a strict minimum one goat's and one ewe's cheese.
xlii) green apple and walnut are optional with roquefort, but is the answer to life the universe and everything.
emsz. Have you forgotten where you are. This is STW. There are rules for EVERYTHING! If you take away our carefully structured, middle class comfort blankets, our heads explode 
Regarding rule #3, anyone who takes the centre bit with a cheeky ‘ooh, it’s the best bit’ gets stabbed in the face.
this +100
Fruit has no place with cheese. Ever. It may, at a push, be used as a garnish to brighten a cheese board visually.
People who eat cheese with fruit in are just perverts!
LoLing at binners
What was I thinking!!
MMCXLVII - although they may be augmented by poncy shite, Cheddars and Tuc biscuits must be provided
1. Room temperature or get it to f@%k.
2. Carrs water biscuits must be served
3. You either try all the cheese or none.
If there are none of these around:
then you've made a frightful faux pas! Though I agree whole-heartedly with scaredypants - Cheddars and Tuc biscuits must be provided
Never, and I repeat NEVER cut the nose off Brie.
Quince paste is mandatory for any hard Spanish or Southern French cheeses.
MMCXLVIII - At least one of the riper Stiltons should have a vague tang of ammonia.
Re Cutting the nose off the cheese. Flogging's too good for them.
Port - ruby and tawny (LBV or better) must be decanted and served at a proper temperature.
3 rules of the cheeseboard
1 - see that? it's mine
2 - yup, that one too
3 - no, that's crap, you can have it
Never, and I repeat NEVER get caught as you cut the nose off Brieagreed
Cutting the nose of cheese? 
Is this another STW ism that's going over my head?
Yes, It goes over mine too and we follow some of these "rules"..
Think it may have originated somewhere in the Arnarge..
It is rather stupid if you ask me.. I regularly chop it off and get a glowing stare back..
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