A duck walks into a bar and asks: “Got any Bread?”

Barman says: “No.”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No.”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No, we have no bread.”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No, we haven’t got any bread!”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No, are you deaf?! We haven’t got any bread, and if you ask me again and I’ll nail your damned beak to the bar you irritating bloody duck!”

Duck says: “Got any nails?”

Barman says: “No”

Duck says: “Got any bread?

Heard two chubby girls talking in a bar…

ME: “Where abouts in Scotland are you girls from?”
THEM: “Wales you mean!”
ME: “Sorry, where abouts in Scotland are you Whales from?”

Just bought a dog off a blacksmith.

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

I went to a zoo that only had 1 dog.

It was a shitzu.

Last two jokes #win

Thats genius Organic!!!! My favourite joke:

A bloke goes to the vet with his budgie, which has just died.

The vet says he can’t be sure it’s dead and needs further tests. He whistles, and in walks his dog, a labrador, who sniffs and licks the bird, then shakes his head.

Next the vet brings in a cat, who looks at it, then slinks morosely away. “I’m afraid your budgie is definitely dead,” says the vet. “That will be £1,010.”

“What?” says the bloke. “More than a grand to tell me my budgie is dead?”

“‘Fraid so,” says the vet. “Normally it would be a tenner, but then you had the lab report and the cat scan.”

Comic Relief? I assume Mr Woppit has a red nose on.

It’s O.K.if you want to give me money…

😆

Q : What do you call a 3 foot Jamaican ?

.

A : A Yardie.

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

[hangs head in shame]

What’s Irish and stays outside?

Paddy O’Furniture

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because so few can dance.

Coat on, Mrs just pulling up outside…

How do you make a jazz musician out of a duck?

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

Prince William’s Stag Party is going to be a pretty weird night – I mean imagine stuffing pictures of your granny into a lapdancer’s knickers !

I wasn’t feeling well so I went to the doctor’s.

The doctor explained, “well, I’m afraid you’ve got Onomatopoeia.”

“Really?” I asked, “what’s that?”

“Well,” replied the doctor, “it’s exactly what it sounds like.”

Do you know Vic Burns ?
It does if you rub it on your k*** ! 😀
Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels ! 😀

Two atoms are walking down the street.

One suddenly stops and frantically checks its pockets. “I’ve lost an electron!” it says.

“Are you sure?” asks the other.

“Yes!” it replies. “I’m positive!”

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the men actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when Fast Eddie outstretched his hand. “STOP!” he shouted in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?” Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. “OK” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, “STOP!” “Have you got proof of insurance?” Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said “Carry on, ma’am.”

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. “Oh, good grief,” cried Ethel, “Not the Breathalyzer again!”

Why did the baker have brown hands…………

because he kneaded a poo

Newlyweds are into their 2nd week of marriage when the wife says to the husband…

I want to set the rules down about sex….

When my hair is nice and perfect…I definitely don’t want to have sex

If my hair is a little messed up and not that perfect…maybe I do maybe I don’t want to have sex….

but when my hair is messed up…I definitely want to have sex….

Husband says…..o.k. but I have my rules about sex also….

Every night when I come home from work I will have one can of beer…..

When I have one can of beer I definitely don’t want to have sex….

When I have a couple of beers, maybe I do…maybe I don’t want to have sex….

When I have a six pack or a case of beer……

I don’t give a **** about your hair……

some funny ones there but FFS do you need to say jokes about black people in this century

Q: Why did the lion get lost in the forest?

A: ’cause jungle is massive.

(One for the early 90’s crowd)

Kate Middleton asks the Queen for any advise about marrying into royalty.

Queen says yeh, wear a seatbelt and don’t p*ss me off.

just deleted 4 posts, keep the racism out of this thread please chaps

A bloke I was talking to claimed that the temperature of his balls was – 273 degrees centigrade

Absolute bollocks if you ask me.

Cheers Gary, going to pass that onto the scientists at work. Classic. 🙂

What’s black and plastic and floats on the sea?

Binbag the Sailor

A little old man totters into a chemist for some viagra.
“I need them cut into quarters” he says.
The chemist replies “a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection”.
The old man says “I’m 96 and don’t have much use for an erection, i just want it sticking out far enough to stop me pissing on my slippers”

A man drinks too much and his wife says if you ever come home drunk again I shall leave you
So he goes to the pub and drinks too much and throws up all over himself
He says to his friend If I go home like this my wife will leave me

His friend says go home and say someone threw up over me and get a 20 pound note and show her and say he gave me this for my dry cleaning

So he goes home and it all kicks off and he says no no someone threw up over me and look he gave me 20 pounds for my dry cleaning

His wife says but you have two twenty pound notes who is the other one from

Oh that’s from the man who shat in my pants.

I’ve just pulled up on the drive only to see some theiving scumbag run out of our back door and jump the fence.

The Mrs must have put up a good fight though, she was naked, drenched in sweat and could hardly walk…..

Two bits of grey tarmac are sitting in a pub enjoying a quiet drink.

Piece of red tarmac walks in, on his way to the bar to order a drink he knocks into one of the grey tarmacs and spills his drink. The bit of grey tarmac turns around to complain but before he says anything his friend grabs him, says You’d better not start anything on him. Can’t you see he’s a cycle path”.

I’ll get me coat.

A bloke I was talking to claimed that the temperature of his balls was – 273 degrees centigrade

Absolute bollocks if you ask me.

*applauds* fantastic.

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says “Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?”

The Jelly Baby says “No mate, I’m a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in.”

So Smartie says “Don’t worry about it, I’m a bit of a hard case, I’ll look after you.”

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says “Fair enough, as long as you’ll look after me”, and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table, wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says “I thought you were going to look after me?!”

“I was!” says Smartie, “But those Lockets are bloody menthol!”

Whats do you call a black plastic terrorist?

Osama Bin Liner

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

John.

John who?

John holds back tears as he realises his mother’s Alzheimer’s is getting worse.

Going to subway is like prostitution – you’re paying someone else to do you’re wife’s job

*runs and hides from feminist backlash*

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can’t believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
“Excuse me do I know you?’ he asks.

Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids’ she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says ‘Are you the bird I made love to on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my a**e?’

‘No’ she replies………… ‘I’m your son’s English teacher!’

I once went out with a girl so posh that when we had sex she didn’t come, she arrived.

Why do brides wear white?

So the new dishwasher matches your cooker and fridge.

Heard they’re bringing out a new Rangers FC branded Playstation 3 game:

Pre-Evolution Soccer.