how many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb and the other to hold his cock ladder

I was called into the managers office today because of my dress code. He said ‘You cant wear pyjamas for work’ I said ‘Everyone else does’ He shouted ‘Thats because their f*%$ing patients’

like scaredypants mucho.

Clement Freud told a decent joke

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.

His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give
to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts
said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing
the translator relayed the message:

“Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land.”

old chinese proverb

man who confuse laxative with viagra…..

crap in bed

crimewatch has told me but one thing…. avoid people with fuzzy faces.

I answered the phone at work today.
A voice said “Is that the local bus depot ?”
I said “It depends where you’re calling from”

Wife’s been missing 2 weeks and police have told me to expect the worst. So I’ve been to the charity shops to ask for her clothes back.

Was in the pub with the missus and said ‘I love you’. That’s just the beer talking she says. No, I said, it’s me talking to the beer.

Why can’t you see elephants playing hide and seek in trees?
Because there very good at it.

me & the mrs were sitting in the living room and i said to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” So she unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer….