Well it never rains but it pours eh
My Gran [86] has just died today. The funeral will be in Scotland on Friday and will be the last great gathering of the Clan. My kids are only 3 and 4 1/2 and rarely see the Scottish side of the family. Are they too young to go? Better to go to wake afterwards and avoid funeral? What advice has anyone got who has been in this situation?
Suggestions/advice appreciated
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Take kids to a funeral? What age is OK?Advice
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Posted 2 years ago #
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too young imo. my sister died in the summer anf the youngest nephew to attend was 14. i reckon anything below 12 is too young.
sorry for your loss.
Posted 2 years ago # -
try and arrange some childcare for the funeral itself but they'll be fine for the wake - people will want to meet her great grandchildren.
You'll want to say goodbye to your gran without having to worry about amusing 2 smallish kids.
If there are other families in a similar situation maybe you coudl 'club together' to have one person looking after all of them at the wake venue/church hall or something?
we took my 7 year old daughter to my brother in laws funeral and they both went in the church but she understood what was happening and we thought it important she was there.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Sorry to hear that old chap, best wishes....
I think that's a little too young, myself. I would say that if possible, get someone to look after them while you go to the funeral, then let them join you at the wake. Easier to explain what's happening if it's a "We're celebrating your Great Grandmother's life now she's gone" in that sort of atmosphere than among the tears and suchlike of a funeral.
Posted 2 years ago # -
too young for the funeral, but fine for the wake - my son at 11 seemed ok, but wouldn't want to go younger
Posted 2 years ago # -
I had to look into my Grans coffin at 29 - that was too young
Posted 2 years ago # -
Sorry to hear that Junkyard - sounds like she had a good old run at it.
I would take the kids - maybe not to the funeral itself, but certainly to whatever's happening afterwards. That said, growing up in Ireland, we went to funerals anytime after we could be whacked and told to shut up if we played up in church. We have a slightly different attitude to death there though, not quite as taboo as here.
My thoughts are that children remind people of how life goes on and as one part of the family dies off, the newer generations are starting out on their great adventure - and this should be appreciated at a funeral. And often, kids come lighten the mood somewhat.
Having said all that, only you know your family - I'm sure you'll make the right decision.
Once again, sorry to hear it. Chin up and all that old chap.
Posted 2 years ago # -
sorry to heat that.
I'd say far too young, being a dad to a 3 and a 6 year old I wouldn't take either of them to a funeral, my gran passed away a year ago and the youngest there was one of the great granchildren at 14.Posted 2 years ago # -
Condolences on your loss.
I took my kids to their grans funeral (2 & 4.5 at the time). The 2 yr old of course didn't know what was going on but for the eldest it was a good chance for him to understand the concept of death...
He took it very well & as my partner has some religion in her it's nice that our son considers granny to be in heaven...
Both kids could feel the somber nature of the funeral though & could see all the people paying respect to their gran which we felt was important.
Each to their own of course but for us it was without doubt the right choice.
Posted 2 years ago # -
My wife's grandad died just before christmas and we took all our kids (ages 2-10) to the funeral (church service) and I looked after the kids (+ wife's sister's kids) whilst the burial happened, then met up with them at the wake.
It was ok as the my wife's dad was the vicar doing the service and the church is very familiar to the kids.
The youngest (2 and 4) didn't really know what was going on and only my daughter (6) was upset but only for a little while.
Hope things go as best they can. Take care
Posted 2 years ago # -
As other have said it's really what you feel is right for your situation + what is going to work best for you + your family/kids.
Personally I would take them - my three kids 3,7 + 11 have all been to numerous close family funerals over the years. But again that's what worked for us.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Mine went to their great granparents funerals - aged four to 9. They were fine. Think it helped them to say goodbye. I didn''t get taken to my dads funeral ( I was 7). I wish i had gone - I think it would have helped me grieve if I could have heard what was said about him there.
Posted 2 years ago # -
The chairman at my son's chess club died from cancer recently. We were all fond of him, parents and kids alike. When I told my son that I was going to attend his funeral(& cremation) he said that he wanted to go with. So my son came with me. He is nine years old.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Condolences Junkyard.
I had the same dilemma just last month, whether to take my 2 year old son to my grandfathers funeral.
Against - he wouldn't understand what was going on, so wouldn't understand why he needed to sit quietly and not run around, and might be an unwelcome distraction for others.
For - my grandfather loved his family, and although he was a pretty frail man in his last few years, enjoyed seeing his great grandchildren. He wouldn't have been offended by a small boy behaving as small boys do.
I took him in the end. I knew that my cousins would all be taking their kids (10yrs to 7 weeks old), and that if necessary my wife would be able to take him to the back of the church.
As it happened, he was good as gold. He sat in church quietly (with the help of a couple of books to look at), and during the burial he was very good. He just wanted to be carried by me, which was strangely comforting.
All the best for Friday.
Posted 2 years ago # -
depends on your kids really, I know its not much help but i'd say the onyl person who can really tell is you....
Posted 2 years ago # -
I have a similar dilemma, my grandmother hasn't got long to go and I have a 5 and 3.5 year old. Personally I'm in favour of them going, though not 100% sold on that. When Mrs P had cancer a couple of years back they coped well enough considering, it's all about helping them understand it all in terms they can relate to.
Difficult to judge really... at the age of 37, somewhat improbably, I've never been to a funeral myself.
Posted 2 years ago # -
sorry for your loss, I'd say bring them to the wake rather than the funeral.
Posted 2 years ago # -
condolences mate.
Personally we've always taken our lads to funerals from a very young age,helps 'em understand 'life' IMO,as long as they're old enough to have respect for others feelings,and not run around/shout etc.
At the end of the day,you know your kids better than any one,would it help them in any way ?
do what you feel is right.Posted 2 years ago # -
Sorry to hear that fella. I've been a funeral director for the last 10 years and I'll tell you what I tell everyone. You know your kids and you know your family. A funeral is a celebration of someones life and your kids are a part of that family. If you want them to be there then take them. Do not worry about what the done thing is.
The only time I would advise against taking children is if they are at an age where the funeral would might be stressful for them, but again you know your kids and how they are dealing with things at the moment. I personally think it helps kids to get an understanding of whats going on. Tell them your going to have a service to celebrate your Gran's life and that she would have wanted them there. Again its a judgement call thats yours. Personally I wouldn't miss an oppurtunity to let them spend time with your family.
Both of my Kids went to 2 of my Grand parents funerals over the last couple of years when their age's ranged from 3 months to 2 years. They Promptly put smiles on everyones faces during the service (Even the Minister burst out laughing during one of the hymns when our Daughter started dancing to the music).
This behaviour might not suit everyone especially the higher faiths among us but again... you know your family.
I'm not religeous in the sligtest but it always brings a smile to my face when my daughter gets a ballon and then promtly lets it go before proclaming she's given it to the Gran to play with in the sky!!
Hope all goes well for you dude
Posted 2 years ago # -
We took both my 6mth old and 3 yr old to my Grandads funeral, not only was it a good way to start talking about death (too tabboo in UK culture IMO) but is was also revitilizing for the family to see the new additions.
I'm still sorry that I didn't get to go to my other grandads funeral when I was 5.
Posted 2 years ago # -
IMO a child is never too young to attend a funeral, other than any possible logistical problems. If a child is too young to understand about death, then the funeral won't be upsetting for them. If they are old enough to understand, then they should be given the opportunity to pay their respects. Children can't be protected from death, and they need to be offered the closure which a funeral brings - even if it makes them tearful. Obviously at 3 and 4 1/2 they are not going to understand that their great grandmother has passed away and they won't be seeing her anymore, but attending will help them understand in that funerals are not 'bad things', despite the tragedy of losing someone. IMHO
Posted 2 years ago # -
Children can't be protected from death, and they need to be offered the closure which a funeral brings - even if it makes them tearful
+1
Posted 2 years ago # -
For some reason i think that if a child is old enough to attend a wedding or christening (not theirs) then they should also go to funerals. See the whole 'package' so to speak.
I was not allowed to go to any funerals when i was a kid, then the first i attended was my own Father's when i was 16. Not good. I really could have done with knowing what happens, what they are like, etc. before then.Posted 2 years ago # -
I would take them. Death is all a part of life and I don't think it's wise to "protect" children from this. They are both very young and probably won't understand what is going on anyway.
And it may provide a bit of happiness for other mourners on such a sad day.Posted 2 years ago # -
Despite having no children myself I would say take them. I know of a couple of people who are upset about not going to funerals of family as children, I know of no one who has been taken to a funeral and regretted it.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I had to look into my Grans coffin at 29 - that was too young
I agree, it's a sight that never leaves you. Not sure I'd want kids to deal with that so young. Assuming it's just a ceremony and not open then I'd probably take them.
Posted 2 years ago # -
yes wont be an open coffin - well I am not looking if it is never mind the kids. Think I will take em to wake and decide on the day about the rest.
I am not trying to protet them form death - beyond my powers- just not sure they will get it if that makes any sense? Think I was about 8 @ my grandads funeral - she lasted a long time did Gran
Oddly TJ is probably right more likely to regret not going than going I would assume.
Thanks for your input / help/ kind worde.Posted 2 years ago # -
Jeebus...I had to kiss my dad's corpse at 14! And a couple of my grannies at a good deal younger!
Hope it goes smoothly dude.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I can't imagine not taking my daughter - at any age. I guess it's all up to what you, as the parent, feels is OK for your child(ren).
On a slightly related matter, we were staying at a hotel last New Year (2008/9) and one of the elderly residents passed away - in the hallway - just before breakfast. My 12-year old daughter was helping direct residents to the dining room while we called for an ambulance and attempted resuscitation. When the polis arrived, they tried to get her to stay in one of the bedrooms. She was busy explaining what was happening to the body and working out when rigor mortis would set in.
I think we try and shield our kids too much.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Sorry for your loss. A couple of months back my Gran died and at first I wasn't going to take my kids to the funeral (7 & 4), but then they both knew her and I thought that it was right to take them. My 7 yr old understood the concept totally and was quite philosophical about it all. My 4 yr old was just really funny which put some nice humour into what was a tough day (even at 36 it was really tough for me). We had explained everything to the kids and bless her, my 4yr old daughter came out with some classic one-liners with the best being that Nanny was going to be boiled and then put under the soil (I obviously didn't describe cremation well!). Not suggesting that I have all the answers, but my experience was that the kids were far better at it all than the adults.
Posted 2 years ago #
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