Suicide............know anyone??

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Suicide............know anyone??

180 posts & 126 voices | Started 2 years ago by ton | Latest reply from Herman Shake

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muddydwarf - Member

First of all.

SnS/Chris - I'm so sorry, i never heard about it til now. I don't really know what else to say. To others all i can say is that Andy was (outwardly) a friendly, easygoing bloke who was fun to be around.

As for the rest, this thread has been somewhat cathartic for me. This last year has been an absolute shitter and i've reached the point where i'm idly contemplating suicide on a daily basis. I think i know deep down that i won't actually go through with it but as someone else said, the thought of not waking up tomorrow is welcoming in a strange kind of way.
I'm understanding of the mindset, the thoughts/feelings/reactions of my friends & family are irrelevant to me because i feel so low & alone that i'm completely detached from them even if i am in the same room.
I went to to doc's earlier in the year & was given the happy pills, came off them because of the side effects and never went back to him. For all his concern about depression it seemed as though i was being told "take these pills & **** off".
It's strange, i've reached 42yrs of age and looking around at my life there is nothing worthwhile about it.
I'm unmarried, extremely unlikely to have the family i've amazingly started to crave, unemployed with absolutely no transferable skills & living alone in a house with my cats. I think i've turned into the male version of the creepy old cat lady of popular myth.
My friend has cancer & everytime i speak with her i wish i could take her place, she has a son and a worthwhile life.

I understand why people don't speak out, my friends have all got their own crap to deal with so why dump more on them?

What a miserable post.

Posted 2 years ago #
erbii - Member

Muddy

If their your friends then they will not give a sh*t about their crap, once they hear about yours. What is it kids and their mortgages booring!

Give them a call. I dropped on a mate @ Uni and so glad I did. You know your not gonna do it but speak out for your own sake..

Posted 2 years ago #
flippinheckler - Member

Muddydwarf, As you are posting on STW I take it your into mountain biking so you have an interest there and a great community of people to share banter with and meet on rides, You must feel really lonely and have very low self esteem, you are obviously depressed, I urge you to go back to see your GP, just because the anti-depressants you tried gave you side effects, there are others you can try, you may even get more side effects but stick with them as side effects are generally short lived and when you body adjusts you will start to feel better and work out a strategy to put your life back together. You need help please dont be afraid to seek help it will make all the difference.

Posted 2 years ago #
muddydwarf - Member

This is going to sound pathetic, but one of the reasons i'm deliberately pulling away from friends is because they all have gorgeous kids now & seeing those kids is extremely painful.
18 months ago i thought i was going to be married with a family of my own & the knowledge that that isn't going to happen is too painful for me to be around such happy families.

Posted 2 years ago #
tankslapper - Member

muddy

email in profile if you need to talk man

I'm 43 now and have just remarried and have two wonderful children. When i'm low I usually, after some thought, realise that life is in control of me not me taking life by the nuts and getting (a bit) of control in.

If I could go back to my mate Chris and talk to him now I'd say look mate there's others, there's a future, your a great friend and have a great future - we were just two kids a protestant and a catholic growing up in the troubles, best mates and the selfish **** blew his brains out with his own gun. I would tell him selfish ****, I would tell him to grow a pair,but most of all I would tell him I miss him - life's been poorer without him. 20 years later it still makes me incredibly sad

Any way it's good to talk man

Posted 2 years ago #
samuri - Member

Have you tried talking to skilled people in real life about this muddydwarf (as opposed to going to your normal doctor)? It might well help. I knew a chap who committed suicide after years of living with his girlfriend who had crones disease. We knew she had it and we knew she was seriously suffering but no-one knew how much pain he was going through as a result, he never mentioned anything about how he was feeling, until someone found his note.

I've been in a similar place to where you are now. Unemployed, heavily in debt. I would go out riding every day and then I started stopping at the top of a big quarry. Just let the brakes go, it'll be easy. I even started saying I love you to my family before I went out every time just in case I decided to do it.

try talking to a professional.

Posted 2 years ago #
muddydwarf - Member

It looks like i need a referral to a mental health specialist doesn't it?

I'm not in debt at the moment but xmas is looming & i've hated it all my adult life - the weight of expectation to have a good time is so heavy it's untrue & then the crash into the post xmas blues is a real big one for me. I can't afford to buy even little presents for my family & that doesn't exactly make me feel good about myself either.

Jeez, what a whining little shite i am.

Going to stop now before this descends into a melodramatic farce.

Posted 2 years ago #
samuri - Member

yes, i do think you need to speak to a mental health specialist. They'll be able to tell you how much of this is a proper mental health issue that needs treatment (and give you that treatment) and how much is being a whining little shite.

Get back to the doctors on monday and ask for a referral. The pills make things worse, you just want to talk to someone.

Posted 2 years ago #
erbii - Member

back to me..

but my Dad's thing happened before xmas. So I agree with Samuri

Posted 2 years ago #
breakneckspeed - Member

Yes three close colleagues, and several clients (who suffer from dementia), thought food and fluids refusal. Its always devastating and in the case of clients leaves a very unsatisfactory feeling, as thought you’ve failed.
Currently working with a client who between the diazepam and alcohol dependence has taken around seven overdose this year alone (three –four last year), which has given me several restless weekends and a feeling of dread waling into the office on a morning
Its worth noting that while young men 18 – 25 are statistically the most at risk group, males over 65 are not that close behind, as are females over 65

Posted 2 years ago #
Bunnyhop - Member

Muddydwarf - your problems are real. At this age you maybe going through a phase, which sadly alot of men go through. Wanting children is perfectly natural at your age. You may not believe this but you have plenty of time.

I feel you need to take really small steps, the first being to start getting out of the house. Go for walks, ride your bike, at every opportunity talk to folk. If you start taking a regular route you may pass the same people and just strike up a conversation.

Where we live the council run free walks, they are usually advertised at the local library. See if there is something similar in your area. This gives you the chance to be with other people doing something outdoors. Get to be a regular and start chatting to others. Maybe go for a drink after.

As for you real friends, you really do need to start telling them how you feel, everyone enjoys helping others.

Please do something about this, you cannot keep suffering in silence.

All the best to you and everyone else going through a similar experience.

Posted 2 years ago #
tails - Member

Jesus this is a miserable f**kin thread. Muddy I genuinely have some empathy for you despite being a fair bit younger. Why not get rid of your s**t like car etc and cycle round the world you don't have to break any records but a guarantee it will make you happy.

Posted 2 years ago #
muddydwarf - Member

Don't own a car mate - in fact my lethargy in not learning to drive has returned to hit me in the 'arris as i can't drive to a job that i could otherwise do - nowt in my line within 40 miles it seems.

Posted 2 years ago #
alpin - Member

many people would be happy with this situation, myself included....

I'm unmarried, extremely unlikely to have the family i've amazingly started to crave, unemployed with absolutely no transferable skills & living alone in a house with my cats.

that doesn't sound too bad. ok, other than the wanting kids thing, but just think of all those shitty smelly nappies, sleepless nights, baby sick clothes, etc. go and be the 'uncle' to your mates kids and take 'em to mcdonalds and feed them coke and E-numbers before giving them back.

there are worse things than being unemployed, like prison for example.

and i **** love cats!

agree with tails. go ride. **** everything else off and go ride, but take lots of pics and post on here for us all to see.

Posted 2 years ago #
GJP - Member

muddydwarf,

I think you know this for yourself but it seems like it is time for you to go back to your GP and talk through your feelings. Go and see a different GP if you felt your last one lacked empathy. Find an experienced one, one who you can't get an appointment with for week or two. Experience tells me there are good reasons for this.

I can understand your reluctance not to go back on anti-depressants especially if you have bad experiences or bad side effects before. God knows I have been there and done that and have pretty much needed to try all the different classes of drugs over the last few years. However, unless you go back and speak to your GP to discuss the effects then they are not in a position to try a different drug. They all have very different profiles, what suits one may not suit another and even for experienced GPs it seems to be a case of trial and error.

They needn't be a long term solution. For many people they are not and well for others like myself I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will most probably be on them and/or some other medication for the rest of my life.

Do I like the fact then no, but neither do I feel any shame or think that it is a sign of weakness and frankly I couldn't give a flying **** what other people think, its my life we are talking about not theirs.

A fact, both alcohol and caffiene act more strongly on the brain than anti-depressants (very bad grammar) so
why should I listen to anyone who tells me I should look to "resolve my issues" with a coffee in their hand who will drink a couple of bottles of wine at the weekend.

In my experience the mental health professionals who have supported me over the last few years have been some of the most pleasant and supportive medical professionals I have encountered.

Good luck, with the support of a good GP and perhaps also the community mental health team, things can and will get better.

Email in profile
Gary

Posted 2 years ago #
miaowing_kat - Member

Muddydwarf - that sounds like a sad situation - being alone and not having much to do; it's not much of a surprise you feel very low. You might not want any suggestions, but I always thought the idea of helping others was a good way to feel a bit better - child mentoring or something like that. I personally could never get the motivation to do exercise or go biking when I felt crap but doing something small (going to a counselling meeting) each week was enough for me

When I feel lonely I think about this and try take heart from it:
"If you don't hunt then you don't eat. Sorry, but its a fact of life. At 40plus I saw her waiting for a tram. A little voice in my head said "That's the rest of your life standing there." Except I was too scared to do anything. But not too scared to go back every day for six weeks and not see her again. We met by accident in a different town. Didn't hesitate that time. Invited her to coffee which became dinner which became the rest of our lives. Ten years on and I still resent those six weeks we lost. Don't be timid. If the answer is no then its forgotten soon enough. If its yes then its great."

Posted 2 years ago #
cinnamon_girl - Member

bananaworld - we met at the recent Swinley Forest ride and I'm truly sorry to read your post. My e-mail is in my profile and want to offer support, either by e-mail/phone/riding.

I am not a health professional but last year someone very close to me was not wanting to continue with their life. I honestly did not know how to help him but there were some very kind words and e-mails from people on here, including mental health professionals.

Please get in touch and let us know how you are now feeling.

Elaine

Posted 2 years ago #
muddydwarf - Member

I'm about start a volunteer program next week, only one afternoon per week but hopefully will expand into more hours.
I'm going to be working on the bikes at a local outdoor activity centre as a way of funding (i.e. they pay for it and i volunteer time) my CTC MTB Trail Leaders Award/National Standard Award/(possibly)Cy-tech qualifications.
I'm looking forward to it but the little voice in my head tells me i'm crap at this stuff & gonna be found out damned sharpish.

Posted 2 years ago #
tails - Member

Don't own a car mate - in fact my lethargy in not learning to drive has returned to hit me in the 'arris as i can't drive to a job that i could otherwise do - nowt in my line within 40 miles it seems.

i can't drive either and just use bus train etc have to wake up earlier but its not so bad, think my new years resolution will be to pass my driving test. reckon i'll be a right crap driver, much prefer two wheels.

Posted 2 years ago #
zaskar - Inactive

I only know the living relatives of lost ones who told me what happened, my uncle and my Dad's best friend due to surgey gone worng leaving him in sever pain-nicest guy you would ever meet.

I also met a guy on Brunel bridge who wanted to jump so I had to talk to him for an hr till the police arrived then when he came down I rode home.

Life could be worse and it sucks. Alway ask if omeone is ok-it doesn't hurt.

Life is short so make the best of it.

Posted 2 years ago #
tails - Member

I'm looking forward to it but the little voice in my head tells me i'm crap at this stuff & gonna be found out damned sharpish.

Sod that lad, all my life I've been told I can't do stuff at 14 a wanted to build a bike my dad said you can't so i did. At 16 I was told by the head teacher to go find work as I'd struggle at A levels, I now have a BA hons.

In short you can do anything you want, you just need to think your way through it. Good luck muddyman.

Posted 2 years ago #
erbii - Member

I'm going to be working on the bikes at a local outdoor activity centre as a way of funding (i.e. they pay for it and i volunteer time) my CTC MTB Trail Leaders Award/National Standard Award/(possibly)Cy-tech qualifications.

I'd say u are pretty lucky mate.. This could lead on to bigger & better things

Posted 2 years ago #
project - Member

Dont know if ive ever read such a thought provoking thread and so positive,like i said last night,just email any of us and chat,and that seems to be very true.

For people who have lost freinds and relatives etc,thanks so much for shareing your experiences,it may just possibly stop someone takeing their life.

Posted 2 years ago #
Rusty Spanner - Member

Muddy.

Live just down the road from you, am off work Monday and Tuesday.
Send us an e-mail if you fancy going for a quick ride, even if it's just a spin round the lake or over to Piethorne.

Also have info for you regarding work available (hours to suit you) in the Hebden Area - money's rubbish, but it's satisfying work and gets you out of the house.

Posted 2 years ago #
Hadge - Member

I'm trying to help, support and be there for my girl-friend who recently lost her sister when she took her life at the age of 38. Totally tragic, left 3 lovely kids and lots and lots of questions and why's. Not a nice situation at all and I sympathize with anyone else who has also had to deal with this.

Posted 2 years ago #
muddydwarf - Member

Rusty - YGM.

Posted 2 years ago #
cheers_drive - Member

This is a sad thread, I can't believe how many peple we all know.
I knew people who have taken there lives:
A freelancer work a few years ago: we sat next to each other for a few months and he was a lovely chap. One day he didn't come in and we were told at a department meeting. We all reflected on ehat we could of done and why we didn't see him coming. The funeral was an awful Roman Catholic affair in which they basically talked about the sin of taking your own life instead of celebrating his. That was the final straw for religion for me.
Also school friends mum hung herself whilst we were at 6th form, he commited suicide several years latter. Their next door neighbour was also a friend and his sister also committed suicide but we wern't close at the time. The first scool friends old scout master also jumped off a cliff, there had been lots of rumours about his relationship with the boys and scout club.

The impact of friends and family is awful but I guess if someones that low then they're not thinking straight enough to look beyond their pain.

Posted 2 years ago #
roper - Member

Just to add,
The Samaritans are very good in this area. They are 100% confidential and will never judge who they talk to. They are there to listen. They will listen to everyone who has had experience with suicide, friends, family, people you might be concerned about and people who feel they don't want to go on any more.
If they can't help or provide the right info they can put you in contact with people who might be able to help..
Their UK tel No is 08457 90 90 90
or website

http://www.samaritans.org/

Posted 2 years ago #
FoxyChick - Member

A close friend's mother took her own life last year. She was 83 and had been ill and bed-bound for 5 years. My friend was proud of her mother for having chosen to end her life when she did, as opposed to spending another 3 or 4 years being cared for 24 hrs a day, in total agony. It was her last stamp of independence.
She suffered from mental illness most of her adult life, but was also a Samaritan volunteer. Ironically, she talked many people out of doing exactly what she did herself.
She was one of the world's truely empathatic people...she had the ability to care and understand. She will always remain one of the people in my life who touched and changed it for the better.

Posted 2 years ago #
miaowing_kat - Member

I would say that my experience of the Samaritans has unfortunately been pretty poor. I have personally found Breathing Space Scotland consistently better. Tel: 0800 83 85 87 in case anyone wants it

Posted 2 years ago #
muddydwarf - Member

Miaowing_kat has hit it for me, i'm really uninterested - unmotivated is probably more accurate - in getting out on the bike event though i've just revived/replaced the drivetrain & winterised my bike.

Hate being like this, as someone said - you feel stupid/embarrassed talking about how you are feeling and don't want to bother anyone.

Posted 2 years ago #
mrsflash - Member

Muddy, I know exactly what you mean about being unmtivated. on my bad days, I have barely been able to get out of bed, to even contemplate going out on a bike was utterly ridiculous. When you cannot summon up whatever it is you need to put the kettle on or change the tv channel, of course you cannot go out on a bike!

But honestely, you can sort this out. Go and see the doctor and get referred to the mental health team. I know you said you'd had a bad experience before with the pills & the side effects, but that combined with the mental health team will help, I promise.

Feel free to email me, my email is in profile.

Goign back a couple of pages,
The bottom line is that he had no 'real' reason to do something so utterly selfish & stupid. - The problems he had were nothing in real terms.
The problem is that when you are depressed you don't see this. In many ways, during my recent bout, I was happier than I have ever been - nothing was wrong at all, decent job earning good money, nice house, 2 cats, very happy marriage etc. But depression doesn't work like that unfortunately. I'm very sorry for your loss and that of his family though.

Posted 2 years ago #
dmiller - Member

Nearly did once with pills, cut myself up a bit as well as after getting knifed at school. Thought I could never be happy and hated myself - everyone made life look easy and I just didnt get it - just felt like I couldn't speak to anyone and was never interesting. Couldn't see the point really.

A great friend helped me (then married me!) - I dont get nearly so down anymore. I still get times when I cant deal with people and I get very stressed with social situations sometimes. And only in the last few years I am happy to wear shorts given the scars on my legs.

For those of you that are considering it please speak to someone. Anyone. If your in Glasgow and feel that way email me for a pint - I'll even buy it.

Big hugs for those that need them. xxx

Posted 2 years ago #
FoxyChick - Member

This thread is making me sad, but also angry.
As MrsFlash said, when you are so low, your reality is not based on "real" problems. If you can't get out of bed and get dressed without it taking huge amounts of will-power how the hell are you supposed to go ride your bike?
All the people who are so intensely "angry" with friends who have taken their own lives...I would suggest that it may be re-directed anger at yourselves for not actually seeing their problems.
I have been lower than low in my life, but the only thought that has kept me in this world is that of my kids having to cope without me. I cannot begin to imagine how desparate people must be who end their lives with kids involved. Better a nutty mum, than none at all. As for family and friends, I have tried through various means to show them how I've been feeling over the years.
BUT, have they really got out of their comfort zone to actually do anything to show they care? Er, NO!
So, when I've been really low, my last thought has been about the feelings of friends/family... infact I have even thought that me ending my life would be just punishment for them not really giving a shit!

And as for the NHS support for depression...what a joke!
I visited my GP about 4 years ago. It took every last ounce of strength to do it. Oh, and my mother actually accompanied me...reckon she'd got fed up with depressing phone calls...certainly wasn't anything to do with real concern for me.
So, I had my 10 minutes and was prescribed anti-depressants. Decided not to take them as one of the side-effects was suicidal thoughts...err...I had them already!!
Oh, and I asked for a referral to a NHS counselling.
So 2 days later, a letter arrives, thanking me for my request for counselling. It asked me to write a letter requesting referral to counselling services just as proof I really meant it. Write a letter?...I could hardly write my own name! The letter went in the bin.

So, all you who judge from your "I've never suffered from mental illness so have no f8cking idea pedestal"... think again.

Right, I've well and truely bared my soul here and await the onslaught. Will probably delete this post with in my alloted 15 minute time frame. BUT it has been cathartic for me.

OH, and muddydwarf, wish you lived down the road cos I'd be round in a shot to take your to the pub. Couldn't have a drink in your house cos I hate bloody cats!!

Posted 2 years ago #
dmiller - Member

Foxychick's post
+1.

Indeed, if you have never felt that bad but seek to judge those that have - you cant.

Posted 2 years ago #