The internet’s Derek Starship has just dumped a load of cayenne pepper into my coffee leaving me :-
a) feeling a bit sick.
b) wanting to commit a pointless act of revenge.
Any suggestions?
I can’t kill him because we are going out with our WAGS in a week or so and it would create a bit of a bad atmosphere if his widow showed up.
Post him a kipper. Second class. When you know he'll be away on holiday.
smear chilli oil on his mouse wheel.
is weeing in his shoes out of the question?
S**t in his pint - best if it's Guiness.
smear chilli oil on his mouse wheel.
I do hope that isn’t a euphemism.
own him with bombers (of course)
Get his mobile phone and turn the menu to serbian or some other obscure language
marker pen on his phone ear piece
empty the contents of the hole punch into his pockets
hide some frozen prawns in his car
come on its easy!
Poop in his face
Egg yoke in car air vents, always a winner, smells for ages!
Superglue his mouse/pen/keyboard/phone/coffee mug to the table.
Laxative in his coffee.
Boot polish on his phone receiver.
Drawing pin on his chair.
Murder his wife and children
Women's knickers in his coat pocket.
Smack him really hard in the guts with a handlebar end, photograph the resulting bruising and post it on the internet so that everyone mocks him.
Get his mobile phone and turn the menu to serbian or some other obscure language
Racist.
Brown paper bag full of excrement, dump it on his doorstep set fire to it just as you ring his doorbell, leg it. Look back to see him put out the fire.
Hours of revenge fun can be had with the appropriate application of sellotape and a stapler...
Serve it cold.
Next time you are around his house, shit in his pillow case.
Sign him up for S&M or gay sex mags. It will take him years to get himself off all the databases.
boardinbob - clearly a weegie at heart then? 
Frozen shaving foam joke?
Piss on his chair
I once registered a guy on Gaydar.com and arranged for a group of muscular gay bikers to come and help him act out his abduction/gay rape fantasies...
Admittedly, a littel disproportionate in your case, but lots of fun none the less.
Gaffer tape (lots of) party poppers to his chair arms, push it back under the desk then stick the strings to the underside of the desk.
Wrap all his phones up with loads of gaffer tape
He's a big lad. I'd leave him alone. Unless you can somehow get access to his false teeth and dye them green.
hefty blow to the abdomen with a handlbar?
or, shrink wrap all his belongings, pets and family included
Print it.
On a sheet - or several.
Put it on the roundabouts near his house.
Shibboleth - Member
I once registered a guy on Gaydar.com and arranged for a group of muscular gay bikers to come and help him act out his abduction/gay rape fantasies...Admittedly, a littel disproportionate in your case, but lots of fun none the less.
Help ma Boab! 
Gaffer tape (lots of) party poppers to his chair arms, push it back under the desk then stick the strings to the underside of the desk.
It would be very childish to use his phone to text his mrs "don't worry, she'll never find out xxx" so you certainly shouldn't do that
cynic-al - Member
S**t in his pint - best if it's Guiness.
Kill a hooker and bury the body in his garden. Play the long game.
Go and watch Oldboy. Than You'll see a proper revenge, do the same, just don't shoot yourself at the end 
time for some honey badger action
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