This is taken from the Dumfries, Queen of the South! facebook page. It’s quite funny. I think I have taken out all the swear words.
Something I read awhile ago thats appropriate in here and so true!!! Enjoy and discuss….??Last year Pete Fortune and I wrote a book entitled ‘Dumfries a History and Celebration’. As possibly any book with such a flatulent title deserved, it attracted little publicity on its publication. It’s an attractive looking book with 5 chapters of largely plagiarised drooling about Dumfries and its rich History and, in the last of these, an upbeat assessment of Dumfries’ potential to re-invent itself and survive rather than do the decent thing and slide discreetly into the Solway. We were very much against the lunatic feeling of optimism that we were forced to inject into Chapter 5, so much so that I wrote a secret Chapter 6 as an antidote.??Here it is:
??Actually it’s a ****-hole isn’t it? All these famous people might have come from Dumfries but they all ****ed off as soon as they could, and no wonder. The only exceptions are folk who died prematurely before they could **** off. Walking through Dumfries on a Saturday afternoon is enough to make you weep. The streets are filled with junkies, knock-kneed whores, thieves, pedarasts, religious maniacs and Rangers supporters.??Every second shop is a ****ing Pound emporium selling glass paperweights made by Korean schoolchildren and umbrellas that break as you leave the premises, or a Tanning Salon where you can go to cultivate that particular orange complexion unique to the town’s tarts.
The streets are filthy, coated in chewing gum, the riverbanks covered in kebab boxes and the only people with the energy to complain are monomaniac serial letter writers who in any sensible community would be beaten to death or locked away in an upstairs room. The pubs are full of the same pissed old men or a legion of able-bodied drunkards on incapacity benefit, and the only pub entertainment is Sky Sports or watching some old dosser ***** himself.??At night the town fills with bottom feeders or fat old bags on hen-parties from Newcastle the only town in the world comparable to Dumfries in its subnormal and retarded inhabitants.
The town’s packed with inadequate single mothers on benefit and their cock-eyed boyfriends on crack although there is a huge population of middle class ****ers who live in overpriced encampments on the edge of town and depend on the burgeoning ranks of irredeemable scum for their livelihood.??800 years of History but you’d think the town had been designed by some humourless, possibly syphilitic, presbyterian.
Every building of any importance has been knocked down, or soon will be, apart from those associated with Robert Burns, the poet of choice for Scotlands masons and unionists. The football team’s ****, the leisure centre, if it ever gets built, will fill up with the town’s young, an under-educated mob of proto-criminals, and going to Tesco’s and making it back without being ambushed by some Sandside skip-rat will remain the highlight of everyone’s week. The council’s full of old bores or drunkards whose collective imagination would fit in the shell of a hazel nut.
The only tourists you see are here by mistake, or are disabled pensioners from East Kilbride who got the Mystery Tour Booby Prize.??The Crichton Campus is the university of choice for people with one C pass at Higher or saddos who can’t bear to leave their thick boyfriends and go to a proper University. Guid Neighbours is an orgy of drink fuelled violence with no origin in history at all, apart from an attempt in the 1930s to convince the townspeople they had a sense of community and heritage.
Posted 13 years ago
