Awful times mate. Stay in the house til you can agree to sell. Hopefully you’ll have some equity to share (we split it about 80%/20% as her wage was lower, she needed a bigger house).
Relate is crap IME as it just brings out all the stuff that makes you realise it is dead.
But my main advice would be to keep it amicable. For your sake, her sake and the children’s sake. That’s the only thing that kept me going when moving into a different house from the one my son lives in – the fact that I can still go and see him whenever I want to.

I echo what others have said, don’t move out, get legal advice, it doesn’t have to be fractious.

There will be surprises to come, I am sure people don’t break all the news and don’t be shocked if other things come out along the line.

A plan sounds good, but don’t be dictated to, if she wants to seperate and has already talked about where the children will live then I assume she wants you to leave.

You say she is happy for you to have the kids 3 days a week, I would expect her to be working those days, can she? How is she going to afford things?

She can’t force you out of your own home, she can legally change the locks, and you can legally break in (repairing damage at your cost). If she want’s a plan, then that plan has to involve you rehousing yourself and she needs to explain how that is possible.

I had a similar situation nearly 6 years ago. I was 36, 2 kids and was skint at the time (not suggesting that you are skint, but I was so had to make careful choices). The difference was that we weren’t married.

I can’t advise specifically on the financial implications regarding your house, but I went to see a really good family law specialist and paid for the top person there. It cost me apx £500 for about an hour but it was money well spent as I knew exactly where I stood after. A good family lawyer will offer sufficient advice in an hour for you to know exactly where you stand financially and where you stand regarding access to the children.

Your relationship during breakup might be very different to mine, but 80% of the people I’ve known break up have had ‘struggles’. Don’t expect that it will be amicable (particularly in the early stages). Getting legal advice helped me during this very challenging time.

I didn’t want to move out but realised that the house was the kids home and their safe environment primarily, plus whether we (men) like it of not, kids do actually need their Mum more than they need their Dad. Even though it was horrible moving out, I knew that it would cause the least disruption and hurt for the kids. NB. This was right for me and my family but might not be right for you; I can only share my experience. Legal advice will definitely help you make whatever decision is right for you and the kids.

If you have the kids one night per week, the CSA will take 20% of your net income as maintenance – this percentage decreases the more you have the kids. Don’t view the CSA as a service to only chase absent parents, you can actually submit a case and your wife will have to live with the maintenance arranged.

At 36yrs old, I moved into a professional shared house – which actually turned out to be brilliant and I met some great people. They were good people and one other guy was in a similar situation. Our kids came to stay at weekends. With your kids being young you could have them stay in your room. Being a professional house of 4 people, 2 housemates were on longterm work contracts away from their homes so they only used the house share mon-fri meaning that the house felt more mine (and the kid’s) at weekends. House Share

6 yrs on and my relationship with my kids is amazing. Financially I was able to rebuild. I met an amazing woman and am now married. I get on really well with my ex.

When you’re going through the shitty times you’ll think that life will never get better…but it does and it will.

Good luck with it all.

Stu.

altho already stated some things are worth repeating:

the kids are the most important people in this situation.
the kids are the most important people in this situation.

been in this position before and am currently in a not dissimilar position again. I make bad choices it seems. We aren’t quite at your point yet but its a fine line we tread.

oh, and:
the kids are the most important people in this.

email me direct if you need a beer to cry in or if you want to come down the hookers and coke route I’m heading to. 🙂

Shit times brokenman 🙁 I can’t add to anything said already

I very, very, very rarely agree with Jamba but like wot ‘e sez.

Don’t do anything hasty. Its a shocking event but a calm head is required, Share all you want here.

great advice. I’ve never been in this situation and never want to be but remember that your partner will have had a long time to think this through and may already have taken advice. Give yourself the space to think clearly before doing anything.

1. Dont move out.
2. Dont bad mouth her infront of the kids
3. Stay civil regardless of provocation
4. Dont move out.
5. Make your children the number one priority in this. Their needs and emotional wellbeing come before EVERYTHING.
6. Dont move out.
7. Try and agree as much as possible before Lawyers get involved. the more you can agree together, the less painful / expensive it will be.
8. Dont move out.

Best of luck. Dont know where you are, but if your near Bolton anytime, give me a shout and I’ll pop out for a beer with you.

lowey + 1
but with point 7. If you do this get it written down…

DaRC you can see this as me agreeing with you ! I usually agree with Junky on this topic too. @lowey’s post is spot on.

Hang in there OP, you are not alone plenty of us have been through it and more will in the future

Apologies for the hijack, but whilst my situation is somewhat different (which affects how anything is going to happen) I’m just about reaching the acceptance point and realise that I’m going to have to properly separate from the mother of my kids in order to move on with my life. I see everybody is saying not to move out, but I’m seeing a conflict between the following points:

Because the best thing for my kids is to stay living in the house they’re in at the moment and living with their mum (mainly). So what do you have to do before moving out if you want to get on with your life? Or is all the advice not to move out on the basis of not following point 5? If I’m going to do this, then I want to make it as easy for them as possible.

So how does that work exactly? I’ve already been in the spare bedroom for over 2 years – though our kids are a lot younger and TBH I’m not sure how obvious anything is to anybody else that we’re not just a “normal” family.

It works I think because I’ve accepted it’s over and because I’ve got finally to the point of realising what she has chosen to do reflects only on her and not on me. For over a year I thought and felt the whole failure of the marriage was down to me but now I realise it was 50-50 and I’m 100% happy with all of my own conduct since things first came to a head. In short it works because I have my self respect back.
I will move out but only when I have a consent order which will give me 50% of the house once the youngest reach 19 if in full time education still. It’s possible that my wife and new partner will buy me out before then but I’ll not hold my breath on that. There is no mortgage to speak of so it seems a little off that she gets to live mortgage and rent free possibly with her new partner while I pay out for rent or try to buy somewhere but the whole system is so stacked against me I guess I just have to accept it.

I know that people keep saying ‘don’t move out’ and this could be for some very strong legal reasons for all I know but having been in the situation, I found it unbearable staying in the house and it wasn’t good for the kids to see such broken parents.

I don’t think that there is an option for a forced sale so you’re going to have to deal with the practicalities of the finances. Your Wife can’t be forced to move out so you’re either going to have to live an unhappy life under the same roof and your kids will suffer or you get out, get healing, get drunk, get riding your bike, get ‘entertaining ladies’ a lot and get the rebuilding process started sooner rather than later.

If you don’t think that there is a genuine chance that the relationship can be saved, get sorting things soon. Who knows, moving out might help heal the relationship…but don’t bank on that either as that is less likely than it is likely..

You might be liable for Child Maintenance and Spousal Maintenance as your wife could claim that her ability to earn has been hampered by taking the child care duties.

There is no getting away from the fact that you are going to have to pay. It might seem initially that you’re outgoings increase significantly because of this, but a lot of this will be offset by the additional ‘hidden’ money that you contribute currently. You’ll be free of the “I need £50 for (x) and £30 for (y)”. The financial arrangement/court order will be a set amount and after that YOUR MONEY WILL BE YOUR MONEY.

Some have already said it, but get busy, stay level headed (I didn’t and look back on that period slightly embarrassed), talk to friend and work – you will be amazed how much you’ll be positively shocked and surprised by the support out there (and on here).

I would never have chosen to go through the same and certainly wouldn’t have designed my life not living 100% with my kids, but I can genuinely say that I now am happier than I’ve ever been. I get time with my wife and we get every other weekend as quality time together, I see my kids every other weekend and that time together is all quality time and none of the ‘get you’re shoes on and get in the car, we’re late for school’ nonsense. I see my kids as much as I do my step-son (and he lives in the same house but is a typical teenager locked away in his room).

Priorities:
1. Kids – even if that means you have to improve their Mum’s life to improve their lives. Supporting their Mum as a side effect of supporting them will get you thanks one day and you’ll look back on this time with a certain amount of pride.
2. You.

As above. Im not sure people mean don’t move out long term. What I’ve read suggests don’t move out yet while there is stuff to sort out

csa is being disbanded so the emphasis is now on resolution between the parents to sort of payments for maintenance, mortgage etc .

Its a horrible time, seen mates in a similar situation, becareful who you talk to, be civil, dont move out,and be aware that having the kids 3 days a week may seem like free childminding to the ex, get legal advice regards mortgage ,loans, and your wages.

Ive not been through this myself but my instinct would be: hide your money, look for hers, and tell her that if she is not happy she can f*** off and live somewhere else

welcome to a whole new world of hot chicks, drinking beer and riding your bike (almost) as much as you like!

Well said that man!

As above. Im not sure people mean don’t move out long term. What I’ve read suggests don’t move out yet while there is stuff to sort out

It’s like you don’t move out officially even if you only stay a few nights a week, until such time as everything is legally in writing.

my uncle is currently going through a real messy separation. going by what has happened to him ‘do not move out of the house’!! your misses will get full ownership of if your the one that walks out. that is what has happened to him. she has also claimed a lot of his belongs. the solicitor has give his missus the full rights and sympathy vote over everything even though it was her that was sleeping around. hide your finances and don’t disclose anything. you will be surprised at how nasty and twisted separations can get.

I’m not going to offer specific advice OP as I can only imagine what you’re going through.

In the meantime help yourself to a big virtual man hug. 🙂

Ive not been through this myself

That much is obvious.

Don’t Move Out. This advice is given by me and others in relation to any financial settlement , if you move out you are demonstrating to the court / her lawyer that you can pay for the family home, maintenance for wife and kids and still have enough money to get by yourself. Also in addition there is an element of that just being too cushy for the wife, drops and bombshell on you and she gets to stay put in what I imagine are fairly comfortable circumstances and have everything paid for.

Its clearly not a long term plan although I too am aware of circumstances where people live in same house sometimes after divorcing but mkre frequently without.

Now it may well be the final settlement involves the ex-wife living in the family home with the kids but imo that should be the result of both parties agreeing to it rather than the husband getting outmanouvered by the wife or her lawyer.

Good luck to all.

Lots of great advice already ^^^^^. I’d simply say that it can be very important to have equal joint custody so if you can provide care for 7 in 14 nights then do so. If you have just a fraction less then you are the non-resident parent and have less say in the eyes of the law. A lot less say.
Also with two children seek to receive the child benefit for one of them. This used to be an important factor for the CSA, not sure if it still is going forward but I suspect it would be a good idea regardless.
Good luck. It’s sh#t but it does get better and life can still be good for everyone.

Been through something similar. Just really want to say I feel what you are going through, horrible times, however, in time, it does get better. As others have said, make your kids the priority here. Never bad mouth the Mother in front of them and just realise every second you get with them is precious.

Kids are very very resilient, they will know, or get to know, loads of other kids whose parents have split up and its getting to the stage where “its the norm”. They will (as mine did) just see it as two homes, 2 places to stay (cant wait to go to daddys tomorrow etc)…

One of the best things I did was involve them in the process of moving out (when it inevitably happens), mine came with me to look for flats/houses, picked odd bits for the flat I moved into and speaking to them about it now they say it helped them get used to the idea that Daddy had a different home where they could go to.

I think the best thing overall though, and I was lucky I think, hearing other peoples stories, is that I could see the kids whenever I (or they) wanted. I never had a formal agreement and I would urge you to stay pleasant as possible with Mother in order that if you want to see the children on a night that is ‘not yours’ then its not a problem. there were some days in the early stages of the separation where I just wanted to see the kids and I dont know how I would have felt if I had been denied access that night.

Also, talk to friends/family, it does help getting it all out there. I actually found venting on a forum was good for me but I see you have already taken that step 🙂

More than happy to chat via email about experiences if you wish …

So much good advice on this thread – nothing else to offer but look after yourself and your children.

No advice whatsoever on your troubles but if you want to head out for a ride at any point to try and take your mind of stuff just give me a shout.
No idea where you are but I live in the midlands but travel around in the south west a fair bit and would love the company of someone for a ride away from home.

What little I know of women, once their mind is made up it’s difficult to change. Sorry.
The best advice I can give is; Lawyer up ASAFP.

Go to Mediation. This is not to stop the split it is to come to an agreement about the nature of the split. One in which you two get to decide what happens rather than your lawyers.

Very sorry for you brokenman. I can attest too that you won’t lose your kids. My sister split from her husband when her kids were a little older than yours. They had two homes while they were growing up and were loved in both, and absolutely know their mum and dad. Much happier living in separate homes than unhappily in one together.

Sending positive vibes your way.

Thank you everybody, I can’t reply to everyone but each and every post has ment a great deal (hot chicks here I come Lol) thank you it’s really help give me some perpesctive.

As for an update, whilst I’m still pretty low we are being civil at home, I’m in the spare bedroom and we have mostly not seen each other.

– I have decided to take stock and deal with the practical issue ..again thank you for the advice
– I’m also going to focus on my health as I know it will be tough and don’t want to sink into alcohol/depression
– And I’m also going to focus on my wife (as hurtful as that will be.. I expect rejection) as I want to know that I gave it my best shot until the end.

Tbc…

Cautious advice – don’t try and fix “her” watched a mate try everything to keep his missus and the fact was she just didn’t like him anymore. Most of my acquaintances who have had a relationship end have been in a similair position as you (missus tells them they have to go) a friend of my wife recently got shot of her husband and loudly proclaimed the bastard had had 27 years of her like – which included 2 great kids a nice house/holidays and a cracking business and to my knowledge he never did anything wrong, the truth is he had served his purpose and not being chauvinistic I have seen a lot of this in my 45 to 55 year old peer group. Gentlemen we are not a great proposition at a certain point.

On my part I still love my wife but it has been hard this past few years after we lost our daughter and she had always struggled to be happy, I always try to be upbeat and support her but it has been tough.

This may be having a bigger bearing than you think. Email me, address in profile.

We have had a chat and this was the start of the end, my wife suffered from depression after this and whilst I tried my best to help, my approach was clinical I tried to get our life in order, we moved house to a fixer upper and I spent all my time on that, I wanted to create an environment she would be happy in and remove all the stress from our life’s, in doing so she felt I was not emotionally available for her when she needed it. The truth was I was in pieces and was struggling to cope and I buried my self in work. She wanted us to go to counselling but I did not want to (yes I know) as i felt like I’d have breakdown and I needed to be the strong one at this point.

Life’s a journey as Aerosmith once said and you learn along the way. My experience is that dealing with a partner with depression is extremely hard for both so whilst with hindsight you might wish you’d done things differently, you had reasons at the time for not doing so and there’s no way of knowing that had you acted differently things would have been better (for you or her).

I’d always recommend counselling to see if the marriage can be saved then, if not, mediation to try and get some ground rules agreed around access/assets/income before communications become toxic. I thought we could be adult/amicable, friends said otherwise. They were right and I was very wrong. I don’t regret thinking it or trying as you have to do what you think might be best but with hindsight it probably wasn’t. Depression makes everything harder and unpredictable, notwithstanding the men are from Mars issues (well worth reading if you haven’t!).

Hi everyone

time for an update, well first things first it turns out my wife was/is having an affair. so in someways it draws a line under the breakdown of our relationship.

im still upset and having a few low moments but im getting better and coming o terms with the situation

i really do appropriate all your comments and advice, thank you hugs to all

im now in the process of doing the legal stuff and may need a few pointers but ill start another thread for that.

Your all superstars, love you all xxxx

Sorry to hear that fella, but not a massive shock after what you’d written… as you’ve established, best out of it then….

Sheesh… humans… you just can’t trust them !

Hi, sorry you are in this situation

all I can say is look up divorcebusting – best advice you can get to survive and get through this

both you and your wife must have some issues that will need resolved, best of luck

Awful news to read brokenman, really feel for you. I was cheated on too, thankfully I don’t know how they can do it to another person

All the best Brokenman.
Try to live in the present and let go of the past.
Not easy i know,the more you let go,the more you can enjoy the present.

LEAF PEOPLE
Some people come into your life and they are like leaves on a tree. They are only there for a season. You can’t depend on them or count on them because they are weak and only there to give you shade. Like leaves, they are there to take what they need and as soon as it gets cold or a wind blows in your life they are gone. You can’t be angry at them, it’s just who they are.

BRANCH PEOPLE
There are some people who come into your life and they are like branches on a tree. They are stronger than leaves, but you have to be careful with them. They will stick around through most seasons, but if you go through a storm or two in your life it’s possible that you could lose them. Most times they break away when it’s tough. Although they are stronger than leaves, you have to test them out before you run out there and put all your weight on them. In most cases they can’t handle too much weight. But again, you can’t be mad with them, it’s just who they are.

ROOT PEOPLE
If you can find some people in your life who are like the roots of a tree then you have found something special. Like the roots of a tree, they are hard to find because they are not trying to be seen. Their only job is to hold you up and help you live a strong and healthy life. If you thrive, they are happy. They stay low key and don’t let the world know that they are there. And if you go through an awful storm they will hold you up. Their job is to hold you up, come what may, and to nourish you, feed you and water you.

Sorry to hear about your troubles, I have had similar in the past which led to divorce 8 years ago. All I can say is life has a few false summits and in time you should make sure you identify what is important to you as an individual, focus on that and move on. FWIW a humorous thread on STW got me back in the dating game 3 years ago and things are going better than ever. You will get there.

Sorry to hear it mate, but in many ways this news will probably help you come to terms with he fact that she aint coming back and nor should you want her. Focus all your efforts now on the kids, bite your tongue and keep things civil. I assume she will want a divorce so speak to her about the terms. Is she prepared to be named as an adulterer? If not then a two year separation may have to be the way forward.

Also, dont let your feelings of betrayal cloud your judgement. Keep a cool head and just remember you have the moral high ground. Be civil. You can be a total bastard as much as you want after the divorce. Make sure you compliment the divorce with a Financial Consent Order. This has to be drawn up by a solicitor, but well worth the money. Without it she can come after you at any time after the divorce, for excample a lottery win etc.

Keep on Keeping on mate.

Oh.. and dont move out.