Hi All

I’m a regular here but I’m posting under a new name as I’d prefer to remain anonymous for this.

My wife came home from work the other night and told me she wants to separate.

I am absolutely devastated and never saw it coming but I’ll try not to be emotional and just state the facts

She is leaving because the marriage is not what she expected and does not love me anymore, She said its nothing I’ve done wrong but we don’t emotionally connect.

We have 2 children under 4 which she intends to live with her although she is happy for me to have them 3 days per week

She wants to start the separation and make a plan on how we do that (I’m really not sure how)

We have a joint mortgage

I work full time (£42,000 pa)
She works part time (£10,000 pa)

We have joint debt of £20,000 in a loan
We have £20,000 of debt from my family (this was a deposit for the house but not something we have any formal agreement on)

We have been together for 8 years married for 3

On my part I still love my wife but it has been hard this past few years after we lost our daughter and she had always struggled to be happy, I always try to be upbeat and support her but it has been tough.

I don’t know what kind of advice I’m looking for as I’m still in shock and I’m trying to be practical but my main concern is losing my children and secondly maintaining a financial situation where I still have a house for me and the children.

She did ask if I would move out and she could stay in the house with the children but that would kill me financially as I could not afford to rent anything and certainly not buy for the forceable future (I’m 37 now). If she went legal could she force me out ?

Ok I’ll stop now as I’m imagining ever worst case scenario and may not be being rational

Can only offer a huge man hug.

Firstly, I’m sorry you find yourself in this position, it must be devastating out of the blue.

I’ve not been where you are but the main advice I’ve seen seems to be ‘don’t move out’. You lose all sorts of bargaining and financial influence on what happens next if you’re not resident.

I’d get some decent advice from a professional (not necessarily a solictor but someone who knows the law in this area) before agreeing to anything as drastic as moving out.

Clearly your immediate priority now is your children and maintaining your relationship with them but you need to think about yourself and your future too.

Finally, is it *really* too late to go to relate and talk?

Sorry, devastating news for you .

Will all be very raw and emotionally difficult to deal with at the minute.

Have you both considered counselling ? Having young kids puts a massive strain on a relationship as it is, without the trauma you have both had to go through.

This is the bit you may not like. It’s never one sided in a break up. You will need to work out what your faults are too in the relationship

Feel for you Pal, I really do. Truly awful situation! Having been through something similar many years ago, a couple of tips for you. 1. Don’t move out, stay calm and friendly, but resist at all costs. 2. Take one day at a time. You will find yourself over thinking everything and work yourself into a state if not, so just aim to get thru one day at a time and almost imperceptibly things become clearer and therefore easier to deal with.

Finally just try and stay positive, even if it’s the last thing you feel.

Cheers guys

Finally, is it *really* too late to go to relate and talk?

I have tried but she has shutdown showing no emotion and says she has been trying for a long time and this is the only way, as I say my minds going crazy and I’m devastated she does not want to try to fix this so I guess it’s only natural to think their maybe someone else

Very sorry for you brokenman.

Firstly, don’t think you’ve “lost” your children. You haven’t. They are still there, fit and well and you will have every opportunity to be fully involved with them as they grow up. It may even be, if you stayed with your wife and she was unhappy, that they will be better off with two happy parents that are seperated than unhappy ones that are still together.

Secondly, if you are west Wales way, bike rides, coffee and cake are always available if you need it.

Rich.

After going through a separation this year, my tip would be: don’t try and “take it on the chin” or “keep a stiff upper lip”. Tell your family, friends and boss at work. You will need them and they will surprise you with their insight and support.

Crying is not a bad thing. Embrace it. You need it.

Be honest about things with your kids and never bad mouth the mother.

If she wants divorce then she can move out was the tactic I used, any equity we had was split between us and kids as I couldn’t afford to buy her out 50:50 – 20 years on & the kids have a nice little nest egg waiting for them. Nicer response will be to get her to seek counselling before either of you make any move – we did this & it made the final decision much easier as I was effectively told there was no hope for marriage 🙁 best wishes whatever course you take.

Sorry to hear about you current situation. You are really at one of life’s low points right now but things will get better over time. Holding it together when your world is collapsing around you seems impossible at the time but you need to put all your efforts into getting through this and getting the best possible outcome for all.
Did you and your wife seek any professional help after the loss of your child? If you did not then maybe you both need to sort out that issue in case it was the catalyst for the current situation.
As mentioned by other posters Relate should be your first port of call and do not leave the family home until all options have been exhausted.
Best of luck to you.

Do you have family that can help with childcare whilst you work ( almost ? ) full time ?

If so, hand her the property pages from the local newspaper and tell her you will be reasonable with her regarding her having access to the children.

Just to say sorry. And as above, don’t move out. Go to Relate, even if it is to sort out the details of separation. Easier to have someone neutral there and better for the long term relationship from what I’ve seen. You will still both be parents and sorting out how you’re going to do that in advance will help. Good luck, it’s not easy. Take all the help that is offered.

We’ve been there.

Whatever you do think it through. Don’t be dictated too. Negotiation is the way forward. Debt is equally distributed regardless of ability to pay.

Why should you move out? It’s equally your house. She wants change then she can move out. No reason whatsoever for you to move out. Seen this so many times.

I didn’t move out of my house. Children stayed with me too because I could support them and provide a house and food. It’s your wife that needs a rethink. I’d explain that I’m not moving out. Don’t get dumped out of your house and children’s life.

Don’t move out, what will presumably have to happen is that the house is sold and 2 new ones bought – is that financially possible? Unless she has assets to buy you out?

It may even be, if you stayed with your wife and she was unhappy, that they will be better off with two happy parents that are separated than unhappy ones that are still together.

As someone who was a child in that situation, can confirm.

my main concern is losing my children

I cannot help you on the practical side but i can help you on this side
I divorced about the same age as your kids and you do NOT lose your children even when you have to fight damn hard to get to see them – luckily you wont need to do this.

FOr sure the relationship changes but you get half the week to do with them as you alone choose and do the things you want to do with the,
]They will grow up thinking they have two homes and two parents who love them dearly. They wont remember anything different

You can only lose your kids if you walk away from them and you wont be doing that
Even when a new partner comes along – who now lives with my ex wife- they wont take your place No one can you are their dad and they love you just as you love them

Its hard accepting some parts and dealing with others but you will not lose your children. Can I just repeat that bit you will NOT lose your children

As for the rest only you know whether its worth trying to save the marriage.

I would also say that time heals all wounds and it gets better. Nothing is worse than the time after being told. I was effectively sofa hoping for a while after mine. Its shit very shit but it gets better much much better

Man hugs, best wishes for you all.
It sucks but you will always be their dad as long as you are there for them and YOU alone make that decision

Ok, really sorry for you & if I was in that situation I too would be a broken man…

However, you need to get tough quick (which I know is easier said than done) she’s set her stall out and you need to protect yourself. Try all you can to get your house (both metaphorically and literally) in order.

Support your kids of course, but support yourself too, because in a time in the future (that you can’t even imagine right now) the dust will have settled and you’ll be in a positive place and you really need to start building your foundations for that today…

Sounds harsh, I know it does, & sometimes the written word can come across as cold and uncaring & I apologise for that because I don’t mean it to but; MTFU and draw up an action plan

Oh, & don’t let emotion get in the way… ask yourself, how is she going to live and support 2 kids on 10k pa? She’s not is she… sounds like you’ll still be supporting her by the sounds of things… so tell her the kids can live with you and she can have them 3 days a week

Have I gone too hard there?!

Went through similar a couple of years back but even the most amicable separations seem to have a slight element of dog eat dog
My partner was very clear that I should move out, even though it had been her decision to change..

I discovered that for me to do this would put me in a weaker negotiating position in the eyes of the law, so I stayed put until we had worked out everything that needed to be worked out

Have I gone too hard there?!

A bit, IMO. Would the OP be looking for custody for purely financial considerations?

Just because his wife is the one who has made the first move doesn’t automatically make her a bad person.

It’s obviously going to be messy – how could it be otherwise? – but destroying any chance of an amicable solution just so the OP can live in his house would seem be a bit of a Pyrrhic victory. Especially as it would probably mean he can’t work full time and make sure they were far worse off.

His wife is clearly the main carer of the kids day to day. Right now they are the priority and they need as much stability as possible in what will be one of the most difficult periods of their childhood.

OP, you have my sympathy – must be like a punch in the guts. But plenty of people on here have gone through this, and come out OK on the other side.

Wot Rob said.

awooga.

Sounds a pretty horrendous position. sorry that you’re going through that

Two immediate thoughts
1 – don’t move out
2 – ask for some time. She’s clearly been thinking and planning it for a while, I don’t mean that in a spiteful way. It’s just been landed with you, ask for some time to process it.

But don’t move out, move into a different bedroom

Its your house as well as hers, from what you’ve said you’ve done nothing to deserve being evicted from your home

oh yeah… forgot to say in my earlier post

welcome to a whole new world of hot chicks, drinking beer and riding your bike (almost) as much as you like! 🙂

Sorry to hear this and sending a hug but:

1) Go to the bank and transfer all the money into your name.

2) Go and get legal advice from a divorce lawyer.

3) Ask her to see a marriage councillor.

4) Tell her you need some time from the shock.

5) Don’t move out.

6) Her loss if she doesn’t love you.

7) You can be upset later, get cracking and protect your interests.

As Mr Clarkson said, time to man up.

Don’t move out, if she wants to end the marriage, then she can face the consequences of her actions. Why should you fund her new lifestyle.

For all the bleeding heart advice here, you’ll be the one who’s shafted left, right and centre.

If she wants to leave, let her, just don’t make it easy. Why should you. She’s dropped the bombshell, she can clean up the mess.

A friend had the same experience years ago, she came back later as the grass isn’t always greener. They had two homes, one in France and one here. She got the house in France and he kept the family home.

When she came back, she sold the French place and “bought back” into the family home. He wasn’t going to go through the same thing a second time.

Deccisions you make now will have long term effects on your future. Take care.

Really sorry to hear that. I’m afraid that I can’t really offer any practical advice, I think it may be best to consult a expert in Family Law than to listen to me.

However, I can relate to going through an incredibly difficult time. The past 3 years have been pretty rubbish for me as well, but remember this. You will get through this, and you will come out the other side better off. Please keep that in mind. Yes, the next few years are going to be tough, but it won’t be forever. You are not going too have to fight this battle for ever, and one day you will be able to look back on this and, hopefully, like me realise that you are now happier with yourself and your situation than you were before.

Take a deep breath, keep calm, try and gather your thoughts as best you can, and go forward and build yourself a better life. I wish you nothing but good luck. Try not to beat yourself up about it though. It’s happening, so dwelling on the past won’t help, go forwards not backwards.

Also, you’ll never find an answer at the bottom of a bottle (tried that, didn’t work). What really helped was two things. 1) Having someone outside of the immediate situation to talk to. I had a really good colleague who was “Swiss” who I could just offload to. It was like lifting a concrete block off my chest. 2) Running/biking really does work. Having a bad day, go and run up some hills, get it out, don’t sit there and dwell. Not good.

As you can see, quite a few of us have been through tough times as well, so you know you will always have a few pairs of ears to listen to you.

Good luck.

so tell her the kids can live with you and she can have them 3 days a week

Stuff like this ^^ doesn’t help.

Sorry to hear of your troubles, OP. I’ve been through similar, although it was me that did the leaving.

There are some things you’re probably not going to be able to fight her on: 1. Custody. Three nights p/w at their Dad’s is as good a deal as you’re likely to get, so I’d take this and co-operate, and don’t start throwing demands around for full custody. 2. House. One of the first things my solicitor said to me is that no judge would force the sale of a house if it meant turfing a woman and children out. You’re going to have to move out eventually, and rent, lodge or live with family.

I was skint when I moved out. I treated it like an experiment and lived wholesomely and frugally. I eBayed everything that wasn’t nailed down in order to raise cash. Anything I needed, I got on eBay/Freecycle. I won’t go into tips on how to live frugally but MoneySavingExpert will become your friend.

As someone else has said, you don’t have to move out straight away. You’ll need a month or two to get yourself sorted.

Stay strong man. Try not to be angry with your wife. Love your kids. Work out what you can afford, get on Rightmove, and cut your cloth according to [whatever the phrase is]

Been there, 20 years go now and our kids were young too.

Some good advice above, all i can offer to advise you to always look at the ‘big picture’.

My wife left my for a new partner (they still together), i kept the house and took on any debts and had a private arrangement over child payments – based on what happended with friends, avoid the CSA at any cost.

The kids are now grown up and we’ve a good relationship – the ex-wife I stopped speaking to once the kids had hit 18 y/o, as I then gave them THEIR money etc.

welcome to a whole new world of hot chicks, drinking beer and riding your bike (almost) as much as you like!

Massively this

I’ve been and am still in someways going through something similar. The pain is horrendous and you think it will never end. I like many others can tell you that while it is never not a part of you it does get better. Right now you cannot believe that and that too is completely normal.
I know the temptation now is to try to give them all they want and do right by them but one thing I have learnt is not to do that. You will simply find yourself giving up all your self respect and dignity little by little. It took a lot for me to say enough but I have. More than two years on from things all falling apart and a year from her giving up on putting things right and we are still in the house together with the kids and get on well. The kids are happy with the situation and fully understand it and happy with the fact that she and more recently I are now in other relationships. Our kids are 15 and 18 though. We have shown them throughout that they are the most important thing and though we are not together we are most certainly united as their parents, no chance they can divide us and use that to their advantage! 🙂 We also have the advantage of enough space so that I can have my own room.
This is only possible though if you remain determined that you won’t simply roll over and give way on everything in the forlorn hope they will change their mind. I’ve been there done that and learnt my lesson. Your wife wants to change her life well let her, but she cannot demand it’s you that makes all the sacrifices. I will move out to leave the house with her and the kids for the next 3 years or so but only when I have the divorce through the consent order and everything to do with the eventual split of the assets signed and sealed.
Nothing anyone can say is going to make you see or believe that it will get better, Even if you know it will because that is what happens it won’t feel like it. Best thing is too keep busy and I can highly recommend going out and buying a new bike, in my case the first road bike in over 30 years which shares the bedroom with me, no way that’s going in the garage and it’s a reminder that being able to do that shows every cloud does indeed have a silver lining. 🙂

On my part I still love my wife but it has been hard this past few years after we lost our daughter and she had always struggled to be happy, I always try to be upbeat and support her but it has been tough.

This may be having a bigger bearing than you think. Email me, address in profile.

First thing OP. You are not alone – people are here! I will post more after work.

@ OP

Other than sympathy for your current situation and prior life events, I can’t offer you any advice based on experience (though Mrs North and I have come close this last year…).

However, I can share some practical advice:

Your wife has – though you haven’t seen it – gone through a period of thinking to arrive at her decision. Having now presented it to you, you’re dealing with the initial shock. You need time to adjust to what she’s said. And, while she’ll want to press on (because she’s further down the road) you need some time to get your head around this.

Below is the classic “change curve” and describes the states of mind you’ll go through when adapting to change. Right now you’ll be in the shock and denial phases – “This can’t be happening to me”.

You need to be clear with her that you are not going to react quickly to this news and need time to get your head round it. Try not to do anything or make any significant changes until you’re confident you’re making rational decisions.

Good luck!

As you have both lost a child your wife may be struggling with serious undiagnosed mental health issues, and she may be mistakenly attributing the effects of that to your relationship.

It’s a horrible time.

I ended up back at my parents for a few weeks till I was back on my feet, walked out with nothing apart from a load of joint debt.

Things I’ve learnt:

1) The kids are the most important people in this.
2) Informal agreements aren’t worth anything.
3) Mediation can be used as a financial stick to beat you with – Mediation will be free for her on that income and will cost you between £100-£150 a time if you’re just mediating contact, more if you’re mediating financial issues as well (that’s cost me over a grand)
4) Mediation may involve a lot of ‘trying things out’ contact wise which can confused the kids as they never knew where they will be one week to the next.
4a) Despite 4, go to mediation find a local mediator here your first session should be free.
5) Try and get a decent consistent setup from the offset, 3 days a week is a bit of a nightmare to work with 3.5 is much easier (and a 3 to 3.5 maintenance break point) mon/tue with one, wed/thur with the other and alternate fridays/weekends is probably the best you can come up with
6) It’s worth getting a court order even if you agree in mediation, get them to write up a memorandum of understanding, take that to a solicitor and get them to add a clause about changes being acceptable if agreed by both parties. It adds the flexibility that you will invariably need but stops any unilateral changes to contact.

Nearly 4 years later and i’m debt free and the kids are happy.

Email in profile if you want to chat/vent etc

Good luck, and don’t give anything up (e.g. moving out of the house) without ensuring you are fully aware of and happy with any likely legal consequences.

For instance I’ve been having difficulties with my wife (we’ve been very stressed out with one of our two being ill, luckily we now know it’s nothing life threatening if managed properly, as well as other general life stresses). She’s talked about divorce, essentially I’ve tried to make the full consequences clear to her – e.g. much as I want the kids to be well looked after, I would be getting out of the mortgage and if she wanted to keep the house she’d have to buy me out if she stayed in it.

I know a lot of guys who haven’t looked after their interests when getting divorced, have tried to be nice (paying for mortgages and cars, for instance), and have ended up being rewarded with vindictiveness and bitterness anyway. Remember that, for whatever reason, she’s not the same woman you married, and your future and happiness is important too.

It’s been said many times before on this thread – Don’t move out until everything has been sorted.
Again as said before I also went through this situation and 3 1/2 years ago. My partner wanted to separated and wanted me to move out but took legal advice and the one major piece of advice was “DON’T MOVE OUT”. If things turn sour then the mother holds all the cards and you find yourself in a very difficult place to negotiate.
The Ex Moved out temporarily until the finance and house situation got sorted. She is still bitter about this but at least i get to see the kids 50/50 and have managed to not ruin myself financially by renting indefinitely.
Your kids will always love you unconditionally as mine do and most importantly they will want to be with you equally as much as their mum.
I feel extremely sorry for your previous loss and feel that if you have had the strength to get through that then you can certainly get through this.
Stay strong, cry when you need to, love your kids, use your family and friends and be the man when you need to as you will be the one that remains has the balance and stability to solve this and come out the other side.
Oh and Good Luck – think we`re all sending you the love and strength you need.

OP, tough times for sure. Sharing them is good as yours is not a unique experience. I haven’t had time to read everyone’s posts but here is my first thoughts.

I am divorced (3 kids)

EDIT: I see this has been said many times

Do not move out of the house under any circumstances (well unless you think you might become violent which I am sure you won’t). This will be very very hard (been there done that). However its important you do not establish the ability to live elsewhere. If the wife threatens to take the kids etc off “to her mums” then so be it. Stay in the house. Do not allow her to blackmail you with the kids (have seen this so many times and personal experience) into moving out.

Take great care with joint acconts and access to money, do not assume your wife will be reasonable as you see it or behave “as you would”

Ask her to go to Relate, if necessary go on your own and ask for help. You may be able to sort this out

I stayed with my ex-wife for at least 10 years “for the kids” in hindsight this was a mistake and they are happier now we are divorced

Don’t do anything hasty. Its a shocking event but a calm head is required, Share all you want here.

Good luck

I stayed with my ex-wife […]”for the kids” in hindsight this was a mistake and they are happier now we are divorced

Same here and absolutely agree with this.

Try not to be angry with her. She has made a very brave (albeit devastating for you) decision. Living with someone who doesn’t care for you or want to be with you, would make you and your kids miserable.

After every winter comes a spring, so as hard at is is to fathom now, things will get better.

Good luck, be kind and look after yourself.

^^^ this is very good advice